Quick run down. About a year ago my wife started talking to someone at work, I found out about it, found emails, and knew they had gone on a date. She lied about it when I confronted her. She ended up confessing to me and she was sorry and that it felt wrong. We decided to work on our marriage and did. I will admit, emotionally I haven't been there for her all the time. It was something we worked on in therapy, things were good and later her grandfather died whom she was very close and therapy stopped. Apparently we had slowly regressed since then. But honestly I have felt things haven�t been all that bad.

Then boom last Friday she told me she wanted me to move out, since then she has been back and forth on whether or not she wants to work on our marriage. This past week I have shown her a side of me, emotionally that she has never seen. We actually went on a date, were intimate twice while I was out of the house for those short few days. We both agreed that something was different about those times we spent together, in a good way. It was torture for me being away from her just those two nights. I felt like things were getting worse so I moved back in something my therapist said was obviously a wise move.

Since moving back in and that time away from her, I have been plan A�ing my butt off. I think I am being a little to clingy at times but I am working on it, showing her not telling her. Today was her therapy session and things did not go well for her. She is questioning everything about us right now. This whole event has been a roller coaster, good days followed by really really bad days.

There was nothing sexually with the OM, pure emotion, she has told me that he has opened her eyes that she could be happy. She tells me this is not because of him and they are not speaking at work. She is not using her cell phone or email like last time and I exposed her twitter account where they have been communicating back and forth. They work in different departments and use work email and IM, which I have zero access to.

Pretty confused on what to do. This Sunday is a running event that they will both be at. I asked my wife if I could attend to support her and she said it would be awkward. My therapist thinks I should respect that decision. I on the other am having second thoughts. I know as long as they are talking, which she says they are not, that we have no chance. She tells me she needs space now. But assures me its not because of him. None of which I believe.

My wife and I are high school sweet hearts, have been together for 11 years, married for 2 years. She says she just wants to be single, since moving back, I have offered her space but that I would not be leaving the house and that we would have to make other accommodations if this was going to be the course of action.

Through this I have remained completely calm as I have dealt with this before any advice on what I should do this Sunday would be great. Thanks a bunch

It should be noted that before I was able to talk to my therapist to plan a course of action. When I moved back in I asked my wife if she would cease all contact with the OM and be willing to work on us. She was unwilling. So I told her that while I respected her decision that if she saw him this weekend that she would be no longer welcome under our roof. It gave her a moment of pause and she left that morning willing to work on it. A couple hours later while she was at work her mind had changed and she told me that I would not demand anything of her, that she needed to be her own person and make her own decisions.

finah, welcome to Marriage Builders, I am sorry you are here.

Your instincts are right about demanding that she end all contact with the OM. Thoughtful requests are not going to do the trick. She will continue to see her OM as long as she is able. Unfortunately, your marriage won't ever be able to recover unless and until she ends all contact.

One of the very most effective weapons we have seen in saving marriages here is to kill the affair by exposing it to everyone. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it is much like bringing in a crowd of onlookers into the crack house to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the high! It is no fun to get high when everyone is looking. The fantasy is ruined.

Good exposure targets are parents [yours, hers, the OMs] the OM's wife, if any, employer, children, family, friends, the OM's facebook friends. Everyone should know about the affair. While it is no guarantee, we have had affairs killed dead the day they were exposed. At the very least, it will hasten its death.

Is the OM married? If so, do you have his wife's information?

Here is Dr Harley's quote about exposure:

article here

And Dr Harley's radio clip speaking to a betrayed husband who didn't expose his wife's affair: click here

Facebook exposures have been very powerful exposures because they are a collection of the waywards closest friends and family members. We recommend exposing the affair to the OP's fb friends using a sample letter we have developed. Send out the emails via private messages SPACED 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOESN'T SHUT YOU DOWN. Before you send it out, be sure and change your profile pic to one of you and your wife.

We recommend sending a certified letter to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both the affairees bosses at the workplace. It is much harder to carry on the affair when upper management is watching and often serves to pressure one of them to leave. They cannot continue to work together if you want to save your marriage.

And of course you should go to the event this weekend with your wife. To do otherwise is to enable bad behavior. Go there and face the OM. Tell him to buzz off. Pull him aside and tell him hell is coming his way. Dr Harley recommends causing as much trouble in the affair as possible. That [censored] should hear from you each and every time you are aware of contact. Get in his face and let him know you won't be rolling over for a loser.

facebook letter:


Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

Workplace letter - send certified to 3 key people, ccing them all on the letter:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

finah, you are getting superior advice from Melody. Dont doubt her directions. Your wife is a text book case of infidelity either EA/PA.
Sorry you are here but to make your M survive this understand this is WAR. You must first kill the A before anything can be done in the M.
Start with the plans as outlined and expose it in a few short hours to all targets.
Shes waffling with this OM in her mind. Destroy the A and she MAY decide to work.

Finah, Sorry you are here. if I can make a few suggestions for you:

1. Among other things, Affairs are about power and control.She wants it and you are giving it to her.

2. Suggestions don't carry weight, didactic statements do.

3. How would you react if a guy walks up and slaps you on the face? Would you crumble and walk away, or would you get in his face and make his life heck? That's what this guy is doing to you when he pursues your wife.

4. Giving the wayward the opportunity to think, is like setting booze down in front of a drunk and asking him if he wants a drink.

5. I would show up at the run and not tell her I was going. Do you know who OM is? I would expose them together at the race (finish line).

6. You are actually in the power position. You tell her how things will go. Tell her she *will* stop immediately. This man may be working hard to convince her to return to the affair (hence her change of heart once she got to work).

Has she cheated before? I suspect she never really broke it off the first time and that what you are experiencing is one continuous affair. I also suspect there has been physical, intimate contact between them. I'd bet money on it.

I'd put (hide) a voice activated recorder in her car under the seat.

Take Melodys advice before it goes physical. Some of us never had that chance. Don't waste it.

Put a hidden GPS on her vehicle ASAP.
BEFORE you do exposure.

Finah,

Also put a VAR voice activated recorder in the car. They are inexpensive and can be found at any radio shack. Many times WW's do most of their calls to OM's from their cars.

Snooping is not spying or in any way negative. You have a right to know what is going on in your marriage. WW is keeping this information from you.

Never tell her about the VAR or GPS. The information you gather is so you can make informed decisions about ending the affair.

Also, don't tell her about this forum. It it your place to vent and strategize.

Cypress

finah,

This is bad advice.

Why would you respect this decision? It is NOT respect it is enabling.

All contact must end.

Stay strong.

Here is the message that needs to be sent to the OM:

lol on that video........all great advice I appreciate it all. I really do.

The OM is not married. I have been reluctant to pursue the work place exposure but I will save that as a last ditch effort if I must and if I think its even worth it at this point.

She has no facebook page or twitter page anymore so exposure that way is not possible. I do not have access to the OM facebook or twitter so that is also not possible.

I have exposed it to everyone I know and everyone she knows.

The good/bad thing is she has told me she will break contact with him tomorrow at the race.

I gave her a moment of pause today b/c honestly guys I am fed up with it. I handed her dissolution papers today.

I intercepted a email from him to her last night at 1am. "TOU" = thinking of you.

There are certain things that I value in life, being lied to over and over and the dishonesty that has gone on may be something that I am unwilling to forgive her for.

It still has not hit her yet. It will though. I know the girl, have known her for a long long time. And she will fall hard, will I be there, I don't know at this point.

Still up in the air about tomorrow.

I am 99% sure there has been no physical contact, could I be wrong, for sure. If there has its pointless b/c that will seal the deal for me. No matter how much I care and love her I will not have that.

There has been no phone contact, whatsoever, I pay for the service its under my name I have checked the data and the phone records.

Will keep you updated.

Again thanks for all the advice.

Have you searched for OM's Facebook or Twitter page? Most people have them - I'd be very surprised if he doesn't have one.

Yo do not need to "have access" to it, as in being a friend of his. You only need to find it, and then go through his friends list and identify key people to whom to send a private exposure message.

Please go to our forum Operation Investigate and see this thread for information on how to spy on someone whose friends list is private. See also the threads in that forum on keylogger programmes, GPS recorders and voice recorders.

If you put a keylogger on your WW's PC now, you might find her looking at his Facebook page, and you'll be sorted. Download a keylogger NOW.

A secret, pre-paid affair phone is the standard trick of the active WS. You need to snoop, record and search until you find out what she is using.

twitter is private so is facebook.......though I just found a old friend we happen to have in common.........sent request will see what happens.

I'm a bit of a Facebook idiot, but what does this mean?

Does it mean that OM has an account that you can find, but all the information is private?

Does that allow you to send him a private message?

copy that, doing some digging now. she just called him and emailed him....told me about it.....go figure.

I have the dudes phone number, email, facebook....I can contact him just can't view it.....with the friend request I should be able to view his page b/c we will have mutual friends.

He will not answer my calls, texts, or emails.