Mehr:

Plan B will be a good thing. Find out (legally) what you really can do to prevent OW from being around your children.

Do those things.

Then let it rest and concentrait on you. If it works out, great. I do not think you should obsess about this (it goes against the philosophy of plan B too.) or ANY situation that you have limited control over.

You will soon learn (and I believe the crux of plan B is) the only person you can "control" is yourself.
Not your WH
Not the OW.

Hey Mehr!

Peachy and Itstough are giving you some really great strategies.

The most important is for you to change your mindset.

This is not about keeping your kids away from WH or OW.
Its about keeping your kids away from an unhealthy situation.
So you make that definition. You lay out how destructive the affair is for the kids. And you reasonable request "No affair between the hours of 8-8."
Then it becomes his CHOICE between having his kids or having his *****.

And if you can find added reasons why OW is not a healthy person for little kids to be around, ALL THE BETTER!
And you might dig up a few surprises for WH....maybe she's not "all that"...

All due respects, ITA. >Ital mine<

I am so lonely! How do people do this Plan B stuff so long? I know what I want -- I want my husband back. But if he's not coming back I want to find someone to be with... ahhhhh.

I must be the worst person at being "alone."

Mehr,
It is hard to be alone, I feel it too. I have really been alone for nine months now, and it does get easier. The hardest for me is my weekends without the boys. The house is so quiet I want to scream, and I do sometimes. I have broke plan b and it makes it worse and you get more angry instead of healthy. They are not coming back right now and on whatever level we need to accept that. That is reality and a tough pill to swallow.
Hope this help, stay well.

Mehr, it is hard to stay in Plan B and to feel alone, but it does get easier, trust me. Also, breaking Plan B is worse than actually being in it. Be very careful right now because you are highly suseptible to having an affair of your own and I would hate to see you as a WW.

What you are feeling is your ENs not being met and your Taker wants out real bad. Do you have an end date for your Plan B? Also, if you do things to take care of yourself, your Taker won't come out as often. I do still think about what it would be like to date someone else but I still really want my WH to be that man(well not thw WH but the one he could be).

If your WH came knocking on your door right now and asked you to take him back, would you? If the answer to that question is that you would take him back, then I would say stay thw course and stay dark.

So what are you going to do tomorrow for YOU?

It is important to know that the situation right now is dictating WHY you are in plan B Mehr. There are very very destructive forces going on right now.

It is normal feeling overwhelmed as a mom, sad, depressed, and angry. and all at the same time.

But it is not hopeless. What I did was find new friends (moms too) and go do kid-related fun things. I took my child to the park often, we took long walks, we'd take little weekend day trips here and there, and go to museums, zoo, etc. I also became a voracious reader too during that time.

When I'd get frustrated with housework, being alone, the overwhelmed stuff, I'd take my child to a park and take a long walk.

Once I landed financially a bit better on my feet after the sep agreement, I took my child on a short vacation too.

And each night I had my bubble bath.

I'll tell you like my sweet now-gone grandmother told me when I felt like you, "Honey, this won't last forever, either he will change his tune before it's too late, or else in the near future you'll meet a truly wonderful man."

She was right. WE don't know what will happen. But you claim this, YOU will not be alone forever. You don't know what the future brings. It could bring a more beautiful tomorrow if you just have faith.

You're not the worse person at being 'alone'.
Humans want companionship. They want affection/sf/conversation/admiration/etc.

Being alone sucks. Especially in the earlier stages of plan B.

Eventually you will embrace and become friends with that feeling. If your WH comes back soonish.....you won't get that delightful experience....(gotta lol at this but it is true).

Embracing the sensation of loneliness can be spiritual. You transcend your emotional needs to see yourself from a place where you view yourself as a human being. In a way you never did before.

I suggest you have an end date in mind for your plan B (not etched in stone but to refer to in your journey) and that will help a lot.

How do you decide an end date for Plan B?

I would still take him back. I don't want to date someone new, I want a whole family for my kids and for them to see their parents in love. The idea of having stepparents for my kids makes me so sad.

Tomorrow I start college again.... that should keep me real busy and hopefully with something else to keep my focus on. I am still waiting on a court date.

Later today WH gets the kids, I offered to drop them off since I am going out with my friends... unfortunately both of our sets of parents are out of town so I will possibly see him in this transaction, but if I can manage I will walk out the front door as he walks in the side. I am going to be looking good though since I am going out with friends so if he does see me at least I won't look bad. But I will not talk to him or interact, I just have to get the kids to the same location as him this time. My goal is to stay as Plan B as I can considering the timing.

Dr. Harley suggests that if your spouse isn't back to commit by two years after plan B is implemented that you consider filing for divorce to officially end the marriage BUT he does note that many couples stay separated for the rest of their lives for various reasons.

You might set a date that you are willing to stay separated and not file for a divorce. Then, should that date come and you are not ready to do it.....only YOU can decide.

Meanwhile, your wayward might come back to rebuild or he might file or you might decide you really ARE ready to file.

Your plan B is your show. Mehr's show.

Eggsackly! Perfect reading! Mehr, YOU ARE IN CONTROL NOW. Get in the drivers' seat and drive this car!

YOU say what happens. YOU decide when to say when, but Dr. Harley says most affairs end within 2 years. My case happened same way, but he married "it" (wistress) b/c she was pregnant.

Thus, when he wanted to end the affairage with her and tried to come home to me, I didn't want anything to do with him. It was MY call and when I filed for divorce it was MY call too. I'd been "done". But Dr. Harley was totally on target with the timing of when the relationship with his skank ow would tank. Haha! Good rhyme. When the skank would tank! Sounds like an adult novel by Dr. Seuss!

Again, look good, be calm and cool and have QUIET CONFIDENCE. No fear, nothing. Just kind QUIET CONFIDENCE. Confidence even from a distance is sexy. interact as little as possible. Maybe say only 1-3 words and that is IF YOU ONLY HAVE TO.

Heck if it were me, I'd be looking like Ihad somewhere IMPORTANT to go, and be dressed up lookin' hot. Make him wonder. I'd say nothing to the wayward, but be maybe wearing a short skirt, heels, look fabulous, and walk around getting the kids in their carseats, all the while saying NOTHING and making the wayward foggy right back, making him wonder.

My male friend used to do this to his wayward wife, when their IM would be unavailable. He'd look fabulous, smell fabulous, give the ww ZERO ATTENTION, and put his kids in their carseats and then turn on some cool music and drive off. She told him after she came home, that she always wondered WHO was he going to see, and she secretly thought he was amazing looking so great and being that quiet confident guy. A very different person from the begging, pleading, and sad guy she saw earlier.

So yea, it works.

Mehr, I am sad that you are going to have some sort of contact with your WH today because I know how much damage it causes to a person in Plan B. I hope that you can come up with better ideas in the future. Also, how much communication is going through the IMs? You should even be limiting that time as well


As far as what date you should pick to end your Plan B I will tell you what I have decided for myself. My MINIMUM time in Plan B will be the 2 year mark(that is in 6 months so - see it going longer than that to be honest. I will not have any direct communication with my WH as long as his affair is on. I will move to Plan D after a certain amount of time, if my WH hasn't filed first. But even if I am D, the A is too harmful to me and my children. I won't interact with him directly to protect myself and them. That is just my take on what I am going to do. Hope it helped

That's exactly how I played it. I looked really good, I had a quiet confidence, I left. I really did go out. As I walked out the door he stopped me by saying "hey! ... if you give me a voided check I can get you money."

So when I came back I gave him one and he left. We'll see. Personally I think it was an afterthought because he felt like he needed to say something.

It was hard to see him... but I can only do the best I can do.

Tommorrow the kids are in day care for the first time in their life... and i am taking a Chemistry class... aiming to be a nurse.

Do you have an IM?

Mehr;

You know that this set your plan B back to day one, right?

Don't worry, I doubt any one has done plan B perfectly from the get go.

Re read the reasons behing plan B, make another game plan and start over (when you feel you can.)
... It will make sense to you at some point.
>> sorry <<<

Yes I do, she and her husband live in another town. We have been using my in laws house as a drop off point, but they are on vacation this week, and my parents got back from their vacation today.

I don't feel set back to day 1.... I feel a little stronger today. I went to college class, my kids seemed to like the day care so far... I am taking care of business with the kids and with everything without him. I am starting to get that feeling that I don't "need" him and that if he comes back it will benefit him and the kids more than me personally. Of course I still love him, but I feel okay today. Maybe not tomorrow. Who knows.

Mehr,

You see how your babies do? They start by turning over, then crawling and then take those first baby steps.

That is the path to your own journey. Baby steps. Some days you will fall and even get hurt but just keep picking yourself up and keep going.

Your children will be your inspiration for your success every day. The days we can't go on for ourselves , we go on for them.

Terrific step in going back to school. I truly commend you on this.

Blessings.

My lawyer sent the response to the legal separation in the mail.... WH petitioned for divorce, and to say that I am keeping the kids from him.

I feel like I am dying... I wish I had never had 4 kids with this man.... how can he just abandon his family like this.... what a waste of 12 years.

Have you been keeping a journal of how often he actively tries to spend time with the children? If not you should start one. That sort of proof can be VERY good on your side in court.

Yes I have one.