Just today before I got the divorce papers my daughter was saying she wants a family with her daddy in it. He is making this decision for the whole family and hurting the kids and I so badly.

Mehr, it is just paper. That is all. The lawyers are the ones who work at this.

YOU pay the lawyer to do what you tell them that you want them to do.

Don't worry about what or what wh does or doesn't say or put in them. He is FOGGED OUT HON. He is not in his right mind.

Of course, he'll use the "you're not letting me see the kids" routine for a scare tactic, but that's all. in reality he has done this:

1)harmed the children emotionally by exposing them to a very very negative and immoral lifestyle, confusing the kids and making them hurt by having the affair.
2)abandonment of the family and financial abandonment too.
3)for many days you weren't even sure where this guy was.

He has TEN MILLION things going wrong for his case, and remember, you're NOT KEEPING THE KIDS FROM HIM. Nope. You're going to let your kids see him, but NOT BE ENTANGLED, EMOTIONALLY ABUSED, AND HARMED BY HIS AFFAIR. that is the difference. You are protecting the ones who have been harmed.

He can see the kids whenever he wants. From 8 pm until 8 am the next day, he cannot allow the skank over to his home.. You will not allow overnight visitors of the opposite sex when the children are in the custodial/visitation home. So they can see daddy, BUT NOT BE EXPOSED TO THIS IMMORAL AND MENTALLY ABUSIVE SITUATION. See the difference?

So don't listen to the scare tactic of a psycho wayward right now. It's like listening to a crack addict ramble on or a drunk. They simply don't make sense, but like to stir up trouble.

Your kids are hurt, confused, and they need mommy to stand strong right now. You cannot make anybody do anything in this world, but you can be a good parent, and you can DEMAND that your wh respect you and demand that you get a good separation agreement.

Hopefully that affair WILL end, as I believe it will, and others do, and of course Dr. Harley. Most DO end by the 2 year mark. And when they end (like my xwh)it ends UGLY and very very badly. We don't know which way yours will go. you do have a very very foggy wayward H who is deeply entrenched in his affair.

All you can do is stand up for your kids and for a good agreement now, and also stand up and say "no my kids will definitely see their dad, BUT NOT BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY BEING VICTIMIZED BY THE AFFAIR OR OW. They see dad. They do NOT SEE DADDY'S UNHOLY AFFAIR. There is a difference!

There is no way I will be able to hold out for 2 years. We are about 6 months in, 3 months from exposure and d-day.... and he's already done all this.

Of course he responded he wants a divorce and not a legal sep.
He is still blameshifting and tantruming that you are not giving him Mehr cake.
Just plug along.
Ask your attorney how to get the most you can get and the best way to protect the kids from further damage.
How to get WH to financially support the household.
Then,come here and get our various inputs to make your legal gameplan.

Don't panic.

Marriage
Separation
Divorce

All events. You can handle anything that comes your way.

So.
Let attorney duke it out for you and you stay dark.

And extra snuggles and fun for the children!

I don't think he cares about my cake.... or me.... or the kids. I just feel hopeless.

You are wrong.

There would be no conflict if he didn't care.
He is peeved that you are being one strong woman.

The three stages of marriage
intimacy
conflict
withdrawal

Conflict means he is feeeeeeling something though he is claiming to all the world and you that he does not.

Keep that in mind as you deal with the situation and feeling hopeless is just a step in collecting yourself to deal with the mess. It is not hopeless but you can only control YOU.

Mehr, think of when one of your kids has a tantrum...

They kick an scream and hold their breath...because they want it. Once you don't feed into their holy terror they pick themselves up from the ground and "get over it".

He is trying to get a reaction from you. don't take the bait.

There you go.

He does give a damn, Mehr. It's just his mindset is more akin to a toddler than an adult at the moment. Just try to remember that, and (if your kids are like mine) I'm sure your kids will give you plenty of examples to compare him to

Mehr,

this is a difficult stage to get through you are receiving good advice here, they are spot on with your husband's approach, he has lost control of you and he doesn't like it, he will now understand that if he doesn't change he will lose you, let him process all this. Mehr, this is a Marathon not a sprint.......you have to hang in there and let the thinking and processing happen........
Right now your job is to live a better life than you had with him........concentrate on your life and your school and the kids..........
Let him worry about his f-ed up life he has chosen for himself.........
Let him figure out how dumb he is, and how the OW isn't worth all this and all he is going to give up..........
It takes time............
jessi

Thank you guys.... maybe there is some hope.... you guys make me think it is possible he cares in some small way .... I have an appointment with a new lawyer tomorrow and I let the other one go.

He filed for "temporary relief" about visitation, its a good thing I have these logs showing that I have never kept the kids from him when he asked. He just doesn't ask all that much.

And, I will give NO reaction. But now that I know he filed this BEFORE I "saw" him on Sunday (see post about that) I know why he looked so darn baffled.... I was looking good and confident and happy.... he probably did not know I hadn't gotten the papers yet.

Mehr,

I know how hard this is. I am in almost the same position as you. I filed legal separation and my WH retaliated with D - that was almost 5 months ago. He told me that he'd let me know if he was going to file D - nope, just surprised me with it. The D process is slower than molasses. I have no agreement in place at this time and probably won't for months, at this rate.

After 5 months of all kinds of crazy making, I have only given in to the temptation once or twice to email him - once or twice too many. I hate to say it, but I think that just feeds the drama.

He doesn't pay support...crickets. I call my atty. He's late to pick up or drop off..I just put it in my journal. It all goes in the file to bring before a judge. It all hurts like hell but I funnel it into my journal.

I feel my WH and probably yours are looking for the attention. My WH is definitely the type that prefers negative attention over none. He was probably hoping for some reaction - so it was good you didn't give him one.

Keep calm. Smile. But avoid as much as possible.

You can do this! I know what it's like to miss your H but he's not your H right now...he's been body snatched. Let the OW deal with the crazy person he is.

That's scary because we absolutely need his money. The divorce can take forever and I don't care, but I need child support.

Mehr,

I end up getting the support...it just takes some effort to get it. I decided not to file temporary orders just yet but may do so if I continue to have the issue.

Be prepared, though, as your WH may play lots of games with you - to get attention, make you mad, out of his own selfishness. Whatever the reason...mine likes to use my daughter and money to get to me. Yours may use something else.

Be strong. Know your rights. And don't be afraid to get what you need from him.

I have a new lawyer, I met with him yesterday. He is going to call on Monday to get us a court date for support. He seemed to think it might be possible on a temporary basis at least to keep the other woman away from the kids, it depends on the judge. Getting child support and other support is the highest priority right now.

I am so happy to read this. It makes a HUGE difference when you have a proactive attorney who is willing to fight for you. I have no doubt he'll be able to get a temporary hearing, which is what we've said all along that you needed. A judge will order support in the interim, especially in light of the fact that your WH has all but abandoned his children. His attorney probably read him the riot act about visitation and support (if he's an ethical attorney) and you'll get some kind of financial support. As for the OW, I've seen such a clause written into temporary orders AND carried over to the final decree.

Good job for taking this positive step for you and your kiddos!

YES !

Great news!!

I'm calling my atty on Monday as I am tired of getting support on my WSTBXH's schedule. I was supposed to get it by today and of course, nothing. It gets later and later each month.

I've been playing nice to avoid court but I am out of patience.

Good luck with court, Mehr. Good job.

AWESOME NEWS!!! Woo hoo Mehr! YOu gota a new attorney!!! Yay!

Now remember HOW YOU KEEP the ow away from the kids is from the "no overnight visitors of opposite sex from 8 pm -8 am" clause written in. MOST judges consider this normal and a very MORAL way to deal with kids in a separation or divorce. It is to PROTECT THE KIDS from harmful actions of the parents.

Thus, without actually SAYING it, you are protecting the kids from the OW. Your wh will KNOW THAT TOO. And guess what? If he VIOLATES THAT? You file contempt charges and take him back to court and have him pay attorney fees for you.

As you will HAVE HIM PAY YOUR ATTNY FEES FOR YOU NOW since he's being and behaving as a deadbeat daddy.

GET THAT CS and also ask for SPOUSAL SUPPORT TOO as you are owed this. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO DEMAND THIS.

This is when the rubber hits the road and this will be what pulls ws incidentally, away from his fantasy life. He will see that HE CANNOT just dump off a wife and kids and he won't be able to have the kids around the wench overnight either. Thus no FAKE FAMILY VACAYS with the ow too!

You come in and drop a giant bucket of ice cold water onto the affair.

So so happy you got an attorney WHO WILL LISTEN AND DO SOMETHING for you and the kids!

His lawyer sent my lawyer a note saying I took "all this money" so we shouldn't need temporary relief. I mean. Really. What money do they think I have been buying toilet paper and paying the house payment with? Its not still sitting here!!!!

My husband..... so crazy.... In march after d-day he said "I won't take the money because that would hurt the kids".... and now he is fighting me over all of this.... claiming crazy things and escalating the situation..... WHY ????

She can have him.