I've got a real puzzler here and hope someone can offer some perspective or maybe something similar that's happened with them?

My divorce became final in late November, 2010, after my husband and I had been separated for a year. During the seperation he came to the house every morning to get our two sons, one of whom has Down syndrome and diabetes, their breakfast and off to school since I worked early mornings.

Three days after our divorce he moved 800 miles away to live with the OW. Our sons visited him for a week, right after Christmas. That's the last time they saw him. My ex and OW married in early January but have told only a few people, including me, but not our children. My therapist said that it's my ex's responsibility to tell our sons he has remarried so I've said nothing. The boys were supposed to visit him over spring break but my ex couldn�t afford the train tickets as he was/is only working part-time.

School ended for the boys in late May and we talked about them visiting him from June 11-19 so they could be there for Father�s Day. But my ex recently applied for two different jobs and wanted to wait until he knew whether he got one of the jobs before having them come up.

When I talked with him the other day, and since he hasn�t heard about either job in three weeks, I figured we could set a date but he still dragged his feet saying if he got one of the jobs he�d have to concentrate on that and wouldn�t be able to spend good, quality time with his sons. I told him if they didn�t visit him this summer, he wouldn�t be able to see them until Thanksgiving. He told me on Tuesday that if he didn�t hear anything by Wednesday afternoon (yesterday) we could go ahead and set the dates for their visit. I didn�t expect a call and didn�t get one.

I don�t get it. What�s really going on here? My ex has said all along that our children are the most important thing in his life. He adores them but his actions sure don�t reveal that. My theory is that by having the boys visit, his two worlds collide. He has his new life with his new wife in a new city with new friends. As much as he misses the kids, he�s either afraid to introduce them to his new life or he�s afraid that if he sees them, he�ll go through a lot of pain of how much he misses them.

What do you think? Has anything similar happened to any of you?

Not to me. In fact, my WxH became more involved after the seperation. In the two years since I got him out of the house he has rarely missed a visitation. Ds doesn't want to go most of the time and XH has been hardnosed about it until recently when he seems to be sad and resigned.

In your situation I believe your view of it is dead on. In addition to colliding worlds, when he sees the boys I imagine the guilt will overwhelm him. I wouldn't push it. It isn't your responsibiity for your X to have a relationship with his children.

Just be the best mom you can be....(((REVA)))

It is hard to know what a wayward is thinking. The type of abandonment he has done says to me he has some serious issues.

Running away from his responsibility is tragic and awful. I cannot imagine having to live with that on a conscience.

I strongly encourage full honesty with your children. They must know he is remarried and it is the reason he is gone.

Keep documenting and decide what you want for your boys. You are thier rock, and you know what they need.

Tough~

My WXH only lives about 10 minutes from my house. He has not asked to see the kids since Christmas.

I don't know if he is still seeing the OW. I have very little contact with him. For awhile, during the divorce, they were "in a relationship" on Facebook. Then they broke up. They have unfriended and re-friended each other a couple of times on FB.

I have been shocked at how this has all played out. I knew he wasn't a great father, but I didn't think he would completely cut the children out of his life. The kids tell me that I was in denial about how bad the relationships were, and they are less surprised than I am.

My WXH is very self-centered. He tends to surround himself with people who tell him how wonderful he is. The kids have been less than thrilled with his actions for several years now, and don't give him the adulation that he wants. I think it's too painful for him to be around them. So he chooses to live a separate life.

Wonder of wonders, my ex DID decide on dates for my DDS's to visit him. They're going to visit him for two weeks next month.

I had to laugh though because when my ex told my oldest son the day they'd leave, my son said, "Can we leave the next day because the night before I want to go out with Mom." Awww

Thanks for the replies. Itistoughlove, I think you're right that my ex has some serious issues to contend with. I believe he still thinks of us as his family down south and his new wife (the old ow) and her son his family in the north. Weird.

Nothing to add to your current sitch, I just wanted to suggest something for your siggy. It says "FWH" which means FORMER WAYWARD HUSBAND. I believe, for less confusion, you should call him your XWH, as he is still very much wayward.

And, I would like to know, are you going to tell your children about the affairage? Did you ever expose this A to them? Do they know that this step-OW helped destroy their family?

Scotland, I exposed the affair to my younger son and other family members almost immediately after D-Day. I talked to my older son in more general terms as he has Down syndrome and doesn't understand specific details as much as generalities.

Interestingly, though, he was extremely tuned into my emotional pain. At one point, soon after discovery, my XWH and I were sitting on the deck talking about everything and my son, who I didn't realize was listening, came over and put his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner because he could sense my pain.

My children went through a period of feeling sad and rejected and angry but have moved past it. They have visited their "step" mother before and I told my older son that I wouldn't ask about her or his relationship with her as that was up to him and didn't deserve my interference. And I stand by that. I want them to see their Dad when they can. I want their relationship with him to be a positive one (meaning I have no right to try to taint how they feel about him).

Thanks for the suggestion about my sig. I'll change it right now.

Another question ...

I mentioned that my XWH has a new wife(OW), a new home in his birthplace and 800 miles away from us, a new life, and new friends (actually old friends going all the way back to high school). These high school friends are people he couldn't wait to get away from after H.S. and had had no contact with for some 30 years.

He has no contact with those who were his friends in the past, even his closest friends of 25+ years. He is working part-time in a job he hates and trying desperately to get back into the career he left to move to be with OW. He abandoned a life that offered him his children in his life every day, security, love, respect, credibility, valued friendships, etc. Why?

Will what he has now ever measure up? Once he's past the fog and the heady rush of new love (or should I say lust) what does he have? This is a man in his fifties who should be at the top of his game professionally. Instead he's on the first rung of the ladder. Will it all be worth it in a year? Five years? Until the end of his life?

What's been your experience?

You answered your own question right here. From the countless stories I have read on MB and from my own experience, it is practically the norm for XWS to cut virtually all ties with their old life - including cutting ties with their own children.

Why? Because WS are all about avoiding the consequences for their actions. Guilt is a consequence, and the old life (including spouses, kids and friends) might produce guilt. So the old life gets cut off and ignored.

Now, I often post here about XWS who try to keep family connections in order to enjoy both family time *and* their dating relationships - but once the XBS shuts that down (as they absolutely should), the XWS rarely tries to keep it going. The suffering of the XBS and the children are just too much of a consequence and XWS avoid consequences at all costs.

For more on this, please read this MB thread called "The Fantasy of Divorce":

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2279757&page=1

Thanks, Mulan. I just read through that thread you posted and got some perspective.