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OP
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Before the A I wanted it and he was the one that was not that interested in it. I always tried my best to make sure his Sf needs were taken care of. Above and beyond.
I appreciate your reply. Perhaps I should set the bar higher.
However we have been living together again for 7/8 months now.
So, should I be past this point?
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Before the A I wanted it and he was the one that was not that interested in it. I always tried my best to make sure his Sf needs were taken care of. Above and beyond.
I appreciate your reply. Perhaps I should set the bar higher.
However we have been living together again for 7/8 months now.
So, should I be past this point? Ok, so your disinterest in sex is a result of his betrayal. Why do you think that is? Do you imagine him with the OW? Do you just not feel connected to him? Judging by the details in your first post and your characterization of his attitude towards you, I would be absolutely shocked if you were past it by now. It does not sound like he has owned the hard work of recovery from his infidelity and wants it just swept under the rug. Has he identified your ENs and is he trying to meet them? Do you know what it would take for you to not feel so awful after/during sex? Does he know what it would take? Does he seem to care? Keep in mind that there are some people who can not get past infidelity. Recovery just isn't an option because you can never see your partner the same way again. I'm probably one of those people. You might be too.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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We were just getting back together after separating for the 2nd woman. We separated because I decided I wanted a baby and we had initially agreed that we would not. (I was 21 and he was 31 when we met) However he also had a love interest, so that rushed the process of me moving out so he could see what would happen with that. I did not find about the out of town affair until after I was pregnant with my now 4 year old. I am not tracking here - is the child your husband's?
The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Before the A I wanted it and he was the one that was not that interested in it. I always tried my best to make sure his Sf needs were taken care of. Above and beyond.
I appreciate your reply. Perhaps I should set the bar higher.
However we have been living together again for 7/8 months now.
So, should I be past this point? I'm not sure what you mean by setting the bar higher? I'm a little confused. Now, your WH had a ONS in 2005 and a few women in the neighborhood that he was interested in. He had another woman he was involved with and you separated. Then you found out you were pregnant in, what, 2006? At that you also found out about the ONS. That was four+ years ago, and you 'swept that under the rug.' But he hooked up with two other women after that. I'm curious: when did you begin having difficulties with SF? What is it that is now causing you to have difficulty?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Yes, my disinterest is a result of the A. I do imagine him with the other woman. I knew her. She was opposite of me. No make-up, no fixning the hair, clothes were that of a 16 year old that wears T-Shirts.
I feel dirty, mad, and upset during. Not sure how to explain. My H does not understand. He tells me to just get passed it and make the best of what we have together.
We have identified our ENs. He had done a great job meeting them until the last couple months. He says he needs more in return to keep going.
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Yes, but which A? This goes back to at least 2005. How many affairs would you say he has had? That he has admitted to?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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MaritalBliss,
I mean set the bar higher for my H actions towards recovery. It was in response to a prior post.
Timeline:
Married 2003
Separated in 2005 - I wanted a child/he had interest in another W
2005 got back together
2006 Preg/ Had daughter - Found out about a ONS from 05 w/dif W
2009 He had a year long A
Jan2010 - stopped A
2009 Kissed BF
Nov 2009 - I move out
Jun/Jul 2010 - moved back in
I started having difficulty when I moved back in 2010.
I think some of the difficulty could be because I knew her. He told me how she made him feel. Like a her vs me type thing. She stayed at my house and we at hers. They kissed while she & her H were staying here. Just so much more I knew about with them. It was a deep love they have/had for one another. They were just happy together.
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It was a deep love they have/had for one another. They were just happy together. You know this is baloney, right? I think you've relegated this tawdry little affair to a position of greater importance than it deserves. It seems like you're allowing so much mental headspace to it that it's crowding out everything else. Believe me, I know where you're coming from. I know what it's like to obsess about an affair. But I also know that there comes a point when it no longer serves you and I think you're there. Tell us what you have done to put this A in its proper place in your mind.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Just an update... husband told me 2 weeks ago he no longer has the desire to make me happy & does not want to be with me... I have moved out of the home & getting a divorce.
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(((((((Hugs)))))))) I know it's been a rough road. Living with serial cheaters is its own kind of hell. BTDT, tee shirt sucks.
Wishing you the best, it DOES get better!
I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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You H strikes me as being someone with a screw loose. He appears to be insensitive to your emotions at all and unable to relate to the pain he's caused you or recognize it.
His attitudes towards sex and you and your emotions shows a bit of mental illness. I don't say that as an insult. I am totally serious.
People who can't see other people's emotions and are oblivious have a speicific name, but it's escaping me right now. Pathological comes to mind, but I could be wrong.
Your H could very well have some mental health issues that may need the intervention of a professional.
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What is your feeling about the outcome?
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Thank you for the positive comments...
Initially, I was very upset & distraught... I really wanted to remain in the home and continue to work on our issues.
I have had a little time to digest everything & have decided to view this as a new beginning & an opportunity to make me happy & focus on myself & child. Perhaps in time I will be able to embrace my martital experience without feelings of hurt & anger.
My views on the opposite sex are not positive. I still love and care for him & hope he is able to find peace and happiness.
Any suggestions on how to fast forward through this phase of pain?
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Also, I agree with his mental state... Medication may place his mind on a more even temperment & ease his inconsistencies...
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I'm not doing so well with the separation as I had hoped. I actually miss him. I suppose I will recover in time.
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You will recover in time, believe me. Stay in total NC. None. Not a peep do you need to hear or speak to him.
There is unfortunately no fast forward, but if it helps, as much as I've been thru? 20 months into separation, only 7 months into NC, and I feel GREAT emotionally!
It won't take as long as you think, stay busy, find good friends, and live life without stress.
Hugs.
I am 52, stbxh is 46
One child together 15 DD
2 (mine) from 1st marriage, 26 dd and 28 ds.
Married Dec 94
Separated Oct 09
Too many D-Days to list. (EA/Cyber affairs)
He filed no fault 3-2011 I countered with grounds.
Court date set for June 6, 2011 for Final Decree and was continued.
That ticked him off, he is now fighting for custody.
Lawyers are expensive, my daughter is worth every penny.
Even the ones I have to borrow.
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