email on the way

just sent!

trust is only established based on trustworthy behavior. She hasn't demonstrated that by having an affair, therefore she can't be trusted.

You need to be informed about what's going on, otherwise you are sticking your head in the sand.

Heed the advice given my friend.

Welcome to Marriage Builders!

oh, and the counseling you are going to is a waste of time. Call the Harleys pronto to get a real plan.

Thomas, have faith my friend. I was (and still am) apprehensive to following the advice given in this forum. But as the days go on you will see the light and get more confidence.

The people here have your best interest at heart even if it appears harsh at times. Just remember that. You have come to the right place for support and guidance.

I exposed my WW to friends and family (about 3 weeks ago) and she is totally pi$$ed at me (filed for divorce, realtors, etc.) I just have to keep reminding myself that I do not want to share my wife with ANYONE. And I am fighting to save my marriage.

Hang in there, you will be ok if you listen to everyone here. It may or may not work out but at least you want to save your marriage and are willing to listen.

Good luck Thomas.

You are stronger than you think.

Remember you cannot forgive someone who is not sorry for what they have done. When she starts to apologise and beg you to take her back then you can talk forgiveness.

Like so many of the BH here you are failing to look at this from a female perspective.

If another man starts hanging around your woman -

and you do NOTHING except say, well, uh, uh, I don't really like that too much, honey, but uh, if it uh, makes you happy, uh, I don't want you to be mad at me, so, uh, if it makes you happy . . . uh . . .

and you just SIT THERE and let her go off with some other man -

there is NO GREATER WAY you could tell this woman that

YOU

DON'T

CARE

ABOUT

HER

If you are willing to just sit back and wait while she's out with another man, then why the *bleep* should she waste her time with you?? All you are doing is showing her that you don't care if some other man wants her and you're actually okay with that.

This is a big reason why Nuclear Exposure works so well in the case of Wayward Wives - because it shows the WW that her man is willing to stand up and FIGHT for her. I hope you will think about this.

At no time did I say I was ok with her being out with another man. I have confronted him, spoke extensivley with his wife, and of course with mine. I honestly do not believe they are still talking. He had sent her a pretty scathing email specifically stating he wants no contact.

I do understand what you are saying. I do not agree (at this time) that "nuclear exposure" would be help. If anything I feel it would be harmful. Now...should something change, such as I find I am wrong, and they are continuing contact, I will swallow what I have said and drop the Nuke.

I am in no way trying to argue here, simply stating where I am at.

I do appreciate what you have written because it does put some perspective on some of my other mannerisms that need adjusting, so thank you.

So all those years ago, who was your affair with? How did it end? Was it exposed(I am guessing not)? Are you worried that it will be exposed now? What work did you do on yourself, and your marriage to ensure that you wouldn't have another affair? What are you afraid your WW will find out about you if she started to snoop?

Welcome to MB, sorry you are here.

I had a weekend fling during a trip to Puerto Rico. Basically met a girl at a bar, one thing lead to another...

I did attempt to keep contact with her and this is of course how my WW found out. I did not put as much effort back into our marriage as I should have, I did not immdiately cut contact with this woman. I was absolutley horrible about the whole thing.

There was not widespread exposure...thinking back if there would have been I probably would have stopped keeping in touch immdiately. The shame, guilt and embarassment would have been overwhelming.

I have NEVER repeated this behavior again. I go out of my way to insure I am never in a situation that could lead to anything even close. It took sometime for me to realize the hurt and pain I had caused and what I stood to lose. Interesting question and you really have me thinking deeply about what would have been different with exposure.

I ask because MB is mainly about cleaning up your side of the fence. You can't control what other people do, but you most certainly CAN control what you do.

Did you ever look into yourself to try to figure out how you were able to have an affair. One thing didn't lead to another, you CHOSE to have an affair. You CHOSE to cause great emotional damage to your wife. What things are you going to change about yourself to ensure that you will NOT have an affair in the future?

How long ago was your affair? Were you completely honest about all of the details? Do you ever see OW? Have you ever seen her since the A?

If you click on the link in my siggy, for Newly BS, you will find a thread that helps guide you around this site. Read all that you can and ask any questions you may have.

thomas1006,

Sorry that you are here, but you came to the right place.

I have a few questions about your attempts to reform yourself. Do you and your wife work different schedules? How many hours a week alone do you spend with your wife? Are you still in the military and deploy frequently?

You probably know that Dr. H recommends that couples spend 15 hours a week together without interruption from friends or family members or while watching the tube. That's the minimum amount. In the case of you and your wife, you should spend more time together. Think of this as a military training exercise. If your skills in, oh I don't know, shooting or parachuting deteriorated, you would need to spend more time doing those things, right? Don't give us an excuse. Just git 'er done.

By spending time with your wife, you can start to become a great husband: one who is unusually attentive to her feelings and aspirations. The OM was providing her something you weren't. Learn to provide that for her. What was it? Was it conversation? Affection? Domestic support? Financial support? You need to figure this out. Otherwise ...

... She will act like a demon has taken her over. She will lie. She will steal. She will cheat. She will move out. She will sleep around. She will divorce you. You won't recognize her. I know, I know, this sounds harsh, partly because the mainstream media rarely discuss adultery in depth. But this has been the experience not only of me but also of the others.

As for reforming her, you need to subdue your fears and show moral courage on behalf of your family. You're a soldier, right? You can't just be a little brave. You've got to be completely brave. Yes, you need to show prudence. But trusting your wife not to bang another man is imprudent.

May God be with you.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful

Again, as always, thank you all for the advice. Alot of what you have said has really helped me to straighten out my thinking.

Upon speaking with her last night I can honestly say I am now 99.9% sure (Can you ever really be 100%?)she is done with "him". She still has some feelings, possible withdrawl, etc.

The good news is we had a really good talk. Very honest, very open. Then today she agreed to go through the MB home study course. I think maybe, we are headed in the right direction. What say you?

Thomas, is there any way you can swing the "online course?" That comes with a COACH who counsels you throughout. You also get daily access to Dr Harley, licensed clinical psychologist, over on the private forum. Many of us have completely turned our marriages around with that course. If there is any way you can swing it, I would get the course that comes with the counseling. It is INVALUABLE because your coach will keep you on track.

That is the course I am looking at. Problem is pricing of course. I cannot seem to find the pricing for an accountability coach. She agreed the coach would be wise as well, needles to say I was VERY suprised she agreed.