I can agree but disagree in my situation.
I wonder how many chances he felt he should get?
Only you can answer that.
And what about the constant discussions and pleads from me to him asking him to stop. Trying to get him to see how he was hurting us. Please quit calling us names, don't call your son stupid, don't call me the b word. Please don't get angry for an accident. Asked him to consider a therapist but no...i was the problem. Bought reading material - wouldn't read it because I was the problem. I'm too sensitive and a selfish B. Week after week, month after month and year after year. Only to be snapped at each time saying I'm selfish, too sensitive or just being a bi$ch.
DOES THAT NOT DEMONSTRATE COMMITMENT ON MY PART?
Actually no. It demonstrates you stood there and took it. Maybe it was commitment. Maybe it was you didn't know better. All it demonstrates is that you stayed so far. It says nothing about your motivations or commitment.
Hundreds of times over the years he's pushed me away by being mean and hateful towards us, then turns around and blames my lack of emotions towards him on his behavior. That's kicking me when I'm already down. No one is to blame for his behavior when he gets upset other than himself.
No argument from me on this
There is so much damage done at this point I'll never feel emotionally safe with him again.
This is your choice. If he does make the changes, and you accept them, you could feel safe with him.
You BOTH have choices. He can choose to make changes or not. You can choose to accept them or reject them.
But as long as you've already rejected them, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.
And I also have no way of knowing if this is yet another one of his hundreds of "honeymoon" stages in this cycle. I'm changed/changing when threatened with the possibility of loosing you then as soon as I feel comfortable in the relationship again start treating you badly.
A very real possibility. Like I said, the choice is entirely yours. It's not an easy decision to make. Perhaps having someone who is trained and not emotionally invested in the outcome would oversee the situation.
A professional could probably look at his behavior and progress and see if he's on the cycle you've described, or if he really gets it.
If he's willing to be coached or mentored by such a professional, then perhaps it's real. Otherwise, I'd probably discount current events as well.
And lets not forget there has NEVER been any romantic love, closeness or sense of my best friend in this marriage. He's come out and said affection and all that romance crap is for guys that are whimps. Our sex life has never been anything but porn type. No "love making". He's never held me, nor have we ever had a romantic kiss. He says he doesn't like getting someone else's spit in his mouth.
So why did you marry him? If you wanted these things, and there was NEVER any romantic love, then you sent him a very mixed message. You married him knowing there was NEVER any romantic love. Did you expect he would just start providing it because you were now married?
That's the emotional equivalent of the guy marrying the grossly overweight woman and being disappointed when she's not a Victoria's Secret model 25 years later. Both are unrealistic expectations.
So if what you are saying is true and there really has NEVER been any romance, that's the man you vowed to love, honor, cherish etc, and it's really about as fair to complain about that as it is for the disappointed husband to complain his wife never became the VS fashion model.
He also gauges his progress solely by my appreciation of him. I don't think that demonstrates "real" change.
But it sure tells him if he's on the right track or not. You do realize that men, on average, have a higher need for admiration. So if he's making changes and you are not cheering him on, he's unlikely to continue on the path. Not because he doesn't love you. It's because he doesn't BELIEVE you.
If you say something is important to you, and he does it, if you don't cheer, then you are sending the message that it really wasn't important. So he listened, acted, then watched for your action. If your actions don't match your words, he'll adjust his response based on actions.
Men are action oriented. So if you don't cheer (an action) then either you didn't mean the words he heard you say, or he doesn't understand what you really mean.
So as long as you don't cheer the behaviors you want to see, it's unlikely you'll continue to see those behaviors.
Again, this is a self-defeating strategy. If you don't cheer him on, but act suspicious, you pretty much guarantee he will not continue. Because you are telling him with your actions you don't want him to continue.
It's not like I'm going to turn to him and say "your so wonderful for not being mean to me".
Why not. Sounds like a pretty good thing to say. Why not say, "I really appreciate the efforts you are making to avoid being mean to me."
Sounds like you have a great opportunity to meet some of his needs and send the clear message that he's engaged in the sorts of behaviors you want from a husband.
How is NOT cheering him on going? The cycle, right. So why not break the cycle and cheer him on. You don't have to trust him to cheer him.
I think you can attempt to fix something that's broken. But much much harder to try to fix something that never worked to begin with.
If you are talking about your husband, that's pretty disrespectful. It's down right mean. So do you have two standards? It's OK for you to say mean things about him, but it's wrong for him to say mean things about you?
I really don't see how that sort of thinking does you, your husband or your marriage any good. It's mean, destructive and disrespectful.
As far as it "being a shame to miss out" He has nothing to offer that I want. I know that sounds harse but I don't feel guilty.
Given the last couple of paragraphs, it's likely he won't be missing out either. Apparently you are just as able to display the very characteristics you complained about in your husband. Again, another mixed message. You say it's wrong to be mean, to belittle, etc, but then your actions tell a different story.
Now you can't say he made you say mean things about him. Why not? Because that gives him the same cover you just used. If you suggest it's his fault you say mean things about him, then you have to accept what you said was unacceptable, which is him blaming you for how he feels.
So which standard will you apply? You have to apply the same standard to both yourself and your husband. I suggest you apply the standard you wish to hold him to, the one where it's unacceptable for him to blame you for how he feels, and say it's unacceptable for you to blame him for how you feel.
The choice is yours. From what I've read here, you each have work to do. You'll have the same work to do on yourself if it's with this husband, or another man down the road. Since you each own your behavior, you can't blame your current behavior on him. You'll just take it to the next relationship.
So why not use this relationship, the one you don't currently value, to work on your side of the street. If you mess up, what do you have to lose? A husband you don't really value? What if you get it right? Well you'll make a great wife for him or if he doesn't step up his game, you'll be a great catch for the next relationship.
But you've not arrived. You are as much a work in progress as is the husband about whom you complain.