S 88 I am in Plan A. Or doing my best. Some weeks are good and others really wear you down. She has the TDNT attitude. She says if it is meant to be then it will just happen. WW gives alot of mixed signals. I have been good about the plan A but at some point I need to know if she is even considering us. Maybe I am just getting fustrated!

I think you are in Plan Fishing.

hey fishing,

i just got caught up with your posts..you and me are in a simliar timeline...my wife is looking for a place and im plan A'ing her till she moves out...the only difference is that ive filed for legal separation...that was the only way i could get my wife out while shes in the affair (i ended up bugging her phone, till she got a new one)

but my patience ran out a month or so before. that said ive been super nice lateley and my wife is equally as confused and confusing...i dont know what mood ill get from one day to another.

i wish you the best man...i know the pain your feeling and how hard it is...sometimes its like throwing rocks at a battleship, but you gotta keep trying till your outta rocks...

Thanks elph. I wish you the best also. Pepper you are right. I try to do the right stuff and sometimes it gets a litle mixed up.

What do I make of this? Fathers Day WW and the kids make me a very nice meal. I received cards etc. My WW gave me a card saying how special I am and that i am a terrific dad. She signs it ILY. She does not stay and spend the day but when she leaves I tell her I miss her and that IL her. Her reply is ILY too. Sometimes in Plan A I guess I am hoping for something back from her which is probably wrong. I need to read SAA and HNHN again but she has the books. I need to ask her back for them. Anyways I like it that you call it as you see it. Thanks

It's been a week since I last posted. I spent a good weekend with my WW. No over nights just daytime stuff. She came over to our home on Saturday and actually cuddled with DD and took a nap for about an hour. When she woke up we some how ended up embracing each other for a time and just held each other close. After a kiss she started crying pretty hard. Said she wasn't sure if she could do this. She went to the bathroom and continued to cry for about 5 minutes.

Well when she came back in to the room we went out on the deck for another hour or more and had coffee. She had no reason to stay if she didn't want too. Next day we hung out together again for most of the day. When it was time to go she gave me a kiss on the lips. I told her that I L her and she said the same back. Don't know what to make of this. Maybe my heart just wants to believe things that may not be true.

The weekend did give me a boost and will keep going with Plan A. Maybe it is helping some.

don't get ahead of yourself, just enjoy the moments together just like you did when you first met.....no expectations.......

This will take some time to rebuild and feel safe for both of you.
when you say your goodbye's make sure it's nice so she will remember when she isn't with you, make her want to come back and feel that peacefulness and lovingness make her miss that.......
one step at a time, no matter how small

Thanks JT. One day, one hour at a time. Small steps. I fight myself because I want things to move faster and with all the help I receive on here from many wonderful caring people I think I can contol myself and stick to my Plan A and ride the roller coaster.

Well it's been a whilw since I posted. Nothing new to report. It's been three months since WW moved out. That was a timeline I had in my head to put some pressure on her to find out what she wants to do.

I sent her a love letter and titled it Hello or Good bye. I got a reply back after a few days. She says she doesn't know if it is good bye or hello. She doesn't want to do anything yet. I was honest and told her I don't know how much longer I can do this. That was the last we talked about any relationship. Oh well!

It may be a while until I post again unless something happens.

My hello or Good bye letter may just be my Plan B letter.

Couple of weeks have went by with very little contact with WW. I have had to have some contact because of the DD. It,s not Plan B but I am feeling angry towards her for the pain she has caused me and my family. She says she doesn't want to do anything right now and she kinda enjoys living on her own.

When we have been together she has enjoyed it alot I believe. It's after she notices that maybe she did enjoy herself she puts a wall up and it's like she back pedals and fights the feeling. Is this normal for the WW. I need to get my books back from her SAA and HNHN so I can work on the plan. It has gotten off track and I blame myself for that.

She says she loves me and has alwaysed loved me. She says if love is all it takes then marriage would be more simple. I agree with that remark. I finally told her the changes I have made in myself over the last few years. She says she has noticed but when I started trying to make the marriage better she gave up!! What the H is that all about. Now I am more of the person she hoped to be married too and now seems as she doesn't want that. I don't know and I am rambling here so I better find sometime and get my mind back. Thanks for listening!

Fishing - it sounds to me like you're trying to process the mixture of feelings - riding that 'coaster. Of course she enjoys being on her own, it's less responsibility and she can do whatever she wants without scrutiny. Then, she might feel guilty about abandoning you and DD, so she comes back and gets her 'fix' of family life. This sounds like a cycle to me - my WW would love that kind of cycle. That's her fondest dream. She's told me that I'm being unreasonable by denying my DS the benefit of all three of us going and doing things. However, when I ask her about 'us' trying to work on our M - which would also involve 'pretending' to be a family - she's unwilling to do that.

So, bottomline, your WW is a cake eater, just like mine and many others. This is all about her, her feelings, her desires, her fantasies and what she wants. Selfish WW! You and your DD are a distant second, she's showing you by her actions. She is confused, she may come around or she may not - she doesn't know that either.

The longer you stay in limbo, the tougher it will be on you - that's just MHO. Eventually you'll tire of the games, hanging on any glimmer of hope, etc. I've done that and probably still do that in my heart. However, in my head I'm trying to accept the reality that she's probably not coming back. So, I suggest you start preparing for plan B. You don't have to execute it, just prepare for it now. That way, when you get fed up, and you will, you can implement quickly.

Hang in there Fishing!

AndyM, you are so right about the cake eater. She does like to get her fix of the family life. I have been in Plan A and I think I have done a good job of it so far with a few exceptions. As each day goes I do lose hope that she will come around and in my mind I am starting to feel like that will not happen. During Plan A I have done some good things for myself. I know I should not be expecting any results from plan A but hey I hope I do.

I have followed your thread also and I am impressed at the wealth of knowledge and support you have given to those on here. Thanks again!

$ in the love Bank. My oldest DD had her BD on Sat. She asked if I would come to her party at WW place. Because DD asked I went. My WW was very nice all evening. SHe allowed some hugs and hand holding etc. I spent most of the day and evening with her and my DD had a great party with just the family. Sunday my youngest DD had a sporting event out of town and my WW wanted to ride with. Again we were together all day and most of the evening. We had dinner and just talked. When it was time to go she gave me a big hug and kiss and said she had a great time. She asked if I would come over again tonight.

I am going into this very slowly. Not sure what she is doing. She knows how I feel and knows that my patience is running low along with my love bank. I feel as though I was able to deposit a fair amount of units into her bank. I know it's a rollercoaster but it is on an upside for the moment. Wish me luck. Thanks

Hey elph, how's it going? How's the legal seperation? Has it dawned on her yet that you are serious about your marriage?

Well it was my wifes Birthday the other day. I put together a suprise party for her. It was just another couple and us. We had a nice dinner and then I brought her to her Apt. early. The next day Our family got together at our home and I cooked dinner. Turned out excellent. I think she enjoyed herself but it is hard to say.

Just when i think things may be turning out better for us she takes a step back and doesn't seem to want to talk or be together at all. Not sure what to do but to keep going and work on myself and hope she notices.

I think there is anger and guilt in her and I turn out to be the bad one in her mind that caused it all. Thats BS but to avoid love busters I haven't said anything about the way I'm feeling. So the rollercoaster goes but I am running out of patience. I asked her for the HNHN book back as she doesn't read it. I will read it again and again to keep my strength up.

Fishing,

Sounds like you arranged a very nice b-day celebration for your wife. You are being very patient and I hope you can continue to hang in there. You've made some big deposits in her love bank this past week. You're doing what you can. Stay strong.

well, it officially started today.

my wife has been texting me all morning. last night was her first night at her place.
shes texting me that she misses me. and i simply ask if shes still friends with the OM.
her response is that she still misses me.



as the days go by she,ll realize that im serious.
and as that happens shell get angry. probably lash out and do something stupid.

luckily i saw it coming and put in my plan B letter that i knkow shes going to get angry and she needs to remember that her "friendship" with the OM is whats doing this. that i will always care but "so long as hes in her life, i cannot be" we dont exsist in the same universe.

from what i understand he just keeps shooting himself in the foot.
this will probably be easy somedays and hard others. but i think theres a real opportunity for growth on both our parts. and i would hope she would take a few weeks to amonth to get through withdrawl and really look at herself and maybe grow up a little.

wither way, once hes truly out of the picture, im hoping she comes back...

I you refer to plan B (that has started) then there is something missing because there should be no communication between you and your wayward spouse. You should be unreachable to her not available for every time when she tries to ease her guilt by these lame SMS-s (and NOT end the affair).

Have you read this?

Well I think the pot is going to boil either tonight or tomorrow. Tomorrow is our anniversary. She said she doesn't want to get together because "it won't feel like a celebration". I'm sorry but to me this is a big day in our lives. I have always remembered our anniversary and we have always done something special. I just read the card she gave me last year. She talks about getting through our problems together and how we can be stronger than ever because we work together on our problems! She isn't doing crap. Just causing problems.

It may get a little ugly in the next couple of days as I think I am going to put some ultimatums out there. It's scary but at this point I don't think I have much to lose. We are living apart, she doesn't make any real gesters to work on our marriage or us. I am exhausted from all of this. Today -at this moment- I just feel I need some answers so I can move forward with my life and find a happier place in my emotions. Well I just needed to share. Not sure why but when I write it down I do feel better. I wish everyone luck with their marriages. It can be the greatest, best thing in your life and can also be the most painful!

Fishing, are you in Plan B? There should be no contact between the two of you. How is it that the two of you are discussing this?

Thanks, Plan B has never been started. At times I was just a failed attemp at Plan A and just because I was angry. Plan C doesn't work but our kids play a big role in no contact. We both participate in their lives equally. We both have always been there for them when we should be and I see that continuing. It will not be the same as it was-us sitting together etc. but we both will be attending the same functions.