Well, right now I drop them at in laws and then they get dropped off here. The reason I drop them at the in laws is because I don't want HER to pull into my driveway and if I made pick up here she would be in my driveway. Talk about triggering.

Speaking of that.... the most upsetting events for me right now are hearing from my 4 year old daughter about OW. Today I were in the kitchen getting dinner ready and she says, "OW washes the potatoes." Just a simple statement. It was so upsetting to me I couldn't get it out of my head and my mind wandered far even t if I am going to have to tolerate her at my kids weddings someday. Sigh. My daughter and I are close, but she is 4, so she comes out with these statements innocently, but it hurts and I worry the OW will replace me in my kid's hearts. I have to deal with all the hard stuff with the kids and they don't.

I actually don't see how having the pick up at my house would be better for me. If I can have self control not to look at home, I can have self control not to look at my in laws house either. I just walk out the front door as he is coming in the side door. Its not really any different.

I think I suffer because of my own mind and imagination. It is hard to turn it off. I just can't believe this is happening.

If you truly believe that the visitation switches isn't the prob, then let's focus on what you DO think the problem is.

Have you read my thread? Do you know about the "daddy's in a pickle jar"(aka the "Loonie jar")? If so, would you be willing to start one of your own? Every time that you think about, or talk about WH or OW, you are to put a dollar in the jar. At the end of the week, you use that money to do something fun with the children. Believe me, I was amazed at how many times I had thought about WH.

There is also the rubber band around the wrist. You wear one around your wrist ALWAYS and when you have a thought about WH or OW, you snap the rubber band against your wrist.

Are you up for either one of those?

Living as close to Canada as we do, we see Loonies every now and again. I always think of the Loonie Jar.

Hey, are you calling us Canucks, "Loonies?" Oh wait, you mean our dollar coins.

I am just glad that I didn't use Twonies. I would have been BROKE.

Mehr, are there any other triggers that you may have around the house? Pictures, gifts, etc? Anything that makes you think of your WH?

I have not changed any of the pictures in the house and some of them have him in it.... although one of our family pictures the kids knocked off the wall and the glass shattered.... it felt rather symbolic. Do I really need to change them? I don't want the kids to think I have given up hope, and also my in laws. So far they are still not accepting the OW and they know I am waiting.

I finally stopped wearing my wedding ring about a month ago.

I do think the main problem is in my head. I have a hard time letting go. I can work on retraining my mind. I do feel that I am getting stronger with time, maybe a little slowly but I don't know what is typical, but when I do have some emotional stuff to dump I come here so maybe you see the worst of it...

The pictures.

I kept a lot up until one day I decided to try putting them away and see how it felt.

It helped taking them down.

There are two pics up and they trigger me sometimes (one in a child's room and one in the living room which I kept up not due to WH but due to the other content).

I didn't tell the kids I would take pics down. I just did. They are welcome to look at photos from the photo collection.

The kids miss WH too. I think the pics reminded them how he chose to be gone from us and it added to their hurt.

They know I love their father. My actions have demonstrated that. They know I am open to a reconciliation if the affair ever ends and WH is capable of heavy lifting as a man.

They know. Your kids will know too.

They watch your actions.

You communicate when they ask to communicate.

You are their rock. (you have no choice and you simply are)

I think I might do the pickle jar, but for now I am just seeing if I can "turn my mind" when he pops into it. I do need to work on my own healing.... how do I go about doing that? Does it happen naturally as he is out of the picture? I feel a little better everyday... it is a slow process. Maybe it just takes time.

Going to college is giving me a sense of purpose and goals to aim for. I think pretty soon I will hold all the cards. The only thing I "need" from WH is some money, and the courts should take care of that... less than a month... it can't come soon enough.

It does take time.

You love him and always will even if you are more and more indifferent to him or angry that he did this.

You will think he is less handsome, smart, talented as time goes by too.......
: )

If he ever comes back to recover, you will be in a better place to clearly make decisions. You will be stronger and stronger.

It makes you become a woman to be respected and dealt with on a more deeper level.

Yesss, I can already feel this happening. What I want most is to have an intact family for my children's benefit, and to stay the course on one marriage for life, but I can feel the shift of power changing even as he cannot see it. Pretty soon I will hold all the cards if he comes crawling back, and there will need to be a definite and apparent heart change because I will settle for nothing less.

Mehr,

I'm 7 months from last D day and 5 months from when WSTBHXH filed for retaliatory divorce.

I can say with 100% confidence that the less you have to do with your H, the better. I took down photos, packed up his stuff and removed any and all reminders. I haven't had a conversation with him in months. Email has been my savior.

I have seen him for divorce meetings and I finally (after all these months) feel capable of being in the same room with him without feeling overwhelmed. Like you, I feel more in control now than before...not of him but finally of myself and my future. It helped to finally get a written agreement about child and spousal support so I don't have to fight that battle every month.

You'll get stronger and more in control - not of the situation (because your wayward H is crazy) but of yourself which will make you a formidable opponent. If and when he wants to come back, you will be able to decide if it's the right thing for you.

Stay strong!

I feel good. I like being in college + being a mom more than I liked being a stay at home mom alone. I feel more challenged, and I have a clear goal, and I have somewhere to put my energy. And then when I am with the kids I am less burnt out and happier to see them. They seem to be finally getting used to the routine. I am signed up for 4 classes this fall, I am taking the test and applying to the nursing program on October. I am hoping to get in for the spring semester because I am in a hurry to get a degree and a good job. I really look forward to when I have a well paying job AND I get 40% of WH's income (that is the amount in Illinois he will be paying in child support even after I lose alimony, etc.)

So today I had some contact but there was no way to avoid it. My in laws are out of state, my parents are out of town, my intermediary worked. I just dropped them off and he saw me, I didn't really look at him. Anyway, THAT didn't bother me... what did bother me was finding a 30 page document in my mailbox from his lawyer (through my lawyer) asking all kinds of questions about my financial situation, and I don't even know the answer to some of them... marital v. non marital property, etc.... and then I find myself getting ANXIETY over what he is going to take from the house, knowing I won't be able to replace the TV (etc.) for years... I can't wait for August 11th (our first court date) to come and go because it is all so scary.

I am very disillusioned over my husband. Today I wish the divorce would go through today so that I could just move on.

Sorry this is so hard. You can make it.

Thank you, it is interesting to me how papers from a lawyer can cause more upset than being present in the same space with him. I really didn't know what else to do though. It will get easier.

Mehr, I used to panic everytime I got something from the sleazeball attorney that XH hired.

Don't panic thinking you will be giving away the farm. You won't .. Your children are young and if it ever comes to D, your WH will be in a financial mess. Remember it is the court that decides what he will pay not him.

I am impressed you are going to apply to nursing school instead of crawling under a rock and hiding while all of this is going on. Bravo.

And guess what! I have an interview at the college's library on Wednesday for a part time job...

I really like it when I don't have to deal with him for a while and I am just living with me and the kids.

I ran all kinds of figures on various incomes (worst case scenerio child support, best case scenerio child support + alimony) and my budget and I think things are going to be okay.

P.S. by the way the last few weeks he's started paying some child support, I think he can feel that court date approaching ... it isn't as much as I think he will have to pay, though, but its something