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RisingFromAshes #2521799 06/20/11 04:32 PM
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Time. Just time.

Missing that 2 hours can be significant.

Learn to make the most of the time you do get, and scuttle less important things to increase your UA time.

Chores and such can wait.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
RisingFromAshes #2526460 07/08/11 01:36 PM
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Had a bad moment yesterday, not sure if I handled it right or not. We had some money come up missing. My H was supposed to have it for gas to get to and from work. I don't know what happened to it, I have no proof he used it to do anything he should not have done. I do know that things like that used to happen a lot and he was using the money to buy drugs and alcohol.

I told him that I did not know for sure what had happened, but that I had my suspicions based on things in the past. That even if he had not used the money this time to buy drugs that I can see now that he COULD do something like that and that from now on I wanted him to leave the house with only enough money to fill the gas tank once instead of an entire weeks worth of cash and that I wanted receipts for any gas purchases. I see it as an area where EP's need to be tightened.

He said that he told me he that he did not do anything bad with the money, and asked me if he was going to be screwed forever because I dont trust anything he says.

I told him that I would not ever trust him blindly again, that I would trust what I could verify. I require complete transparency in our M in order to feel safe with him. If he feels screwed that I require this then I cannot force him to stay in the M. I told him I loved him very much but that I could not live in a M without strong EP's and full transparency. I hoped that he would chose a strong healthy M, but that if he feels that he cant stay with me under those conditions that I would have to chose divorce over a M that includes drugs alcohol and infidelity, or even the possibility of those things. I will only stay in a M that is safe for me.

He said he chooses to stay and that he will do whatever I need from him to make the M work, that he is just sad that I cant take his word for anything anymore.

I still suck majorly at enforcing boundaries, and I am not sure if I handled it right or stepped over the line.


We lived in two different countries for two years. Thank you US Army.

Me-24 FWW/BW
DH-27 FWH/BH
DS-6 years DD- 1 year

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anas Nin

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,


RisingFromAshes #2526480 07/08/11 02:56 PM
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I still suck majorly am hesitant at enforcing boundaries, and I am not sure if I handled it right or stepped over the line.

See, that wasn't so hard, was it?

NeverGuessed #2526768 07/09/11 09:16 PM
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Rising,

So, if he didn't do anything bad with the money, exactly what did he do with the money? If he would not tell you, then you do not have transparency. And you need transparency in the marriage.

I think you handled it fine and don't feel guilty about it. His comment about "is he going to be screwed forever because you don't trust him" is an attempt at gaslighting. All he really had to do is say that he was sorry and that he would be more open in the future. He "feels sad that you don't take his word anymore". Tell him you feel sad that he is not willing to be truly open and honest ALL the time.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2526880 07/10/11 09:46 AM
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He said he didnt know. The conversation about the money started with him asking me if I had taken it, which I had not. He then said that it had been two days since he had put gas in the car and that he could not remember where he had put it. Usually he puts it in his wallet or in the car. He said it was not in his wallet and that he had forgotten to lock the car that day when he was at work but that it did not look like anything in the car had been disturbed so he didnt think someone had gotten in the car and taken it.

Basically he said he didnt know what had happened to it but it was gone.

Then he asked me why, if he had done something with the money, he would have asked me if I had taken it...

Hmmm...just to make himself look innocent...just so he could say, "But if I did something with it why would I ask?"

He used to do that stuff a lot to make me feel guilty about being suspicious of him.

He would tell me that if he was doing something bad he would be going to the bar with idiot friend #1 and idiot friend #2 because they asked him to go all the time...only to find out that he WAS going to the bar with them...

He does it to gaslight me and make me feel bad for not trusting him.

Not buying it. Not anymore.

I used to wait for proof, and it was my biggest mistake in dealing with his dishonesty and addictions and OW's. If I had taken action on my suspicions I wouldnt be in this place. I could have stopped it from going as far as it did. He is a champion gaslighter and was always able to spin a reasonable story and make me feel so d@mn guilty for not trusting.

I wont do it again. I dont have proof but even if he didnt do it this time, I now see an area that he COULD do it. I am closing up that area before it has a chance to happen or to progress further if it did happen already.

IDK what to do about the honesty issue, I dont have any proof that he is lying which makes it difficult to deal with directly. I cant call him out on dishonesty if I dont know he is being dishonest. I let him know when I believe he is being dishonest, and tighten EP's in the areas that I feel he is being dishonest about, but I cant force him to be honest with me. Right now my plan is to continue to tighten our EP's and my ability to check up on his actions until it becomes impossible for him to lie to me about anything that he does.

That still leaves dishonesty about his thoughts and feelings and past events, but I dont think there is much I can do about that.



We lived in two different countries for two years. Thank you US Army.

Me-24 FWW/BW
DH-27 FWH/BH
DS-6 years DD- 1 year

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anas Nin

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,


RisingFromAshes #2526909 07/10/11 11:17 AM
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RFA - you are assuming he is lying and treating him as such.

That, dear woman, is a big, fat, disrespectful judgement.

You are not making it either safe or pleasant for him to be H&O - in fact, if he is being completely honest (which, not being psychic, you can't possibly know) you are accusing him of lying anyway.

This is both a mindset and a cycle of failure.

Just stop it.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
HoldHerHand #2526975 07/10/11 03:54 PM
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Quote
Just stop it.

There is a reason why that's supposed to be a hilarious TV skit...it's ineffective. Telling me to just stop isn't helpful. It would be like Dr Harley running around telling people to just stop having bad M. If you have other advice on how to actually handle the situation, or a plan for dealing with it then by all means please share it. If not that's fine, but leave the knock it off stuff for someone else. You need a plan to change behaviors, that's how MB works.

I am NOT going to just accept his word for it. I am NOT going to just blindly trust him. Dr Harley says I am not SUPPOSED to blindly trust him, and if I told him that I did then I would be lying and that does not help us either.

I did not tell him that he absolutely was lying, I told him that I had suspicions that he was lying. That is radical honesty. I am telling him my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I am wrong and maybe I am not, but at least he knows how I feel.

I can assure you I am not treating him the same as I would if I knew for a fact he was lying. If I knew for a fact he had bought drugs with the money he would be out on his @ss and I would have a thread started in the divorcing forum. I will not live with an active drug addict and he knows it. Again that's honesty from me. He knows where my boundary is. No drugs, no alcohol, no OW's. That is not a LB, and even if it was that's too bad.

Quite frankly I am doing exactly what I was advised to. When I found porn on his phone and he claimed he didn't do it I was advised to act on my suspicions and monitor or disconnect the internet on his phone. I knew what I suspected and that was enough.

Now I am getting bashed for it. Doesnt make any sense to me.

Advising me to do nothing when all the evidence points to him engaging in destuctive behaviors again makes no sense to me. If I have a gap in our EP's that could be used to have an A or drink or do drugs I am going to do my best to correct that. I do not believe that is a LB either. It's how you build an A proof M. By making impossible for him to have an A. Same thing with the drugs and alcohol, it should be impossible for him to have a secret second life.

And I am not apologzing for having that as my goal. I love him but I will not live in a M that is not safe for me. If that is a LB for him then he can leave the M. I want to be married to my H, but not enough to live through the hell he created ever again.


We lived in two different countries for two years. Thank you US Army.

Me-24 FWW/BW
DH-27 FWH/BH
DS-6 years DD- 1 year

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anas Nin

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,


RisingFromAshes #2527006 07/10/11 05:55 PM
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Note; the advice was not to "do nothing," it was: stop responding with love busters.

Yes, just stop it. Stop love busting your spouse. The very thing MB is built upon.

Read up on them again. They are employed exactly as you are doing; as a foolish and destructive attempt to have our needs met, destroying the love our spouse has for us in the process.

If THAT is your goal, then by all means, continue.

Otherwise, you could have him drug tested. Not much different than asking for a poly, and gives him the chance to either own up pr redeem himself.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
HoldHerHand #2527066 07/10/11 08:13 PM
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Rising,

The problem with the aftermath of an affair is that so much dishonesty is involved that it is extremely difficult to accept the "innocent" answer. Once you have been the recipient of lie after lie, it is really hard to even consider that explanations may be the truth and not automatically a lie. I understand this perfectly. My H used to say things like, "I can't prove a negative (telling the truth versus telling a lie)." IF your H is being open and honest, it will get better over time and you will feel better. My H started being an open and honest man about a year and a half ago. After a period of time, I started to accept more of what he says at face value. I still check on agreed-upon EPs whenever I happen to feel like it, but not nearly as often as in the past. IF your H is dishonest, you will see a continuing pattern of questionable incidents.


Is your H willing to brainstorm solutions that will make you feel safe? You can't MAKE your H be open and honest. But you can tell him what your boundries are. You've been here a while and you already know about that though.

Also, feel free to ignore blunt and any unhelpful posts. Don't even have to address them.



AM

Last edited by armymama; 07/10/11 08:25 PM.

BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
RisingFromAshes #2527071 07/10/11 08:20 PM
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Advising me to do nothing when all the evidence points to him engaging in destuctive behaviors again makes no sense to me. If I have a gap in our EP's that could be used to have an A or drink or do drugs I am going to do my best to correct that. I do not believe that is a LB either. It's how you build an A proof M. By making impossible for him to have an A. Same thing with the drugs and alcohol, it should be impossible for him to have a secret second life. And I am not apologzing for having that as my goal. I love him but I will not live in a M that is not safe for me.

All very worthwhile goals and principles, RFA.

However, I'm going to tell you that from what you posted (the "friend" using the phone to surf porn, and now the "missing" money) your husband evidently does not buy into your vision of a worthy marriage.

it should be impossible for him to have a secret second life

You're wrong. He will find ways, if he chooses. People get drugs, porn, etc into prisons for pity's sake! You have not yet convinced him that "trying" will immediately result in fracturing the marriage. Seriously, I don't believe you, why should he?

Would you like to run a test?

By magic that is much too powerful to describe, I, NeverGuessed, am now Mr. RFA. Convince me that there are no more chances left. Tell me what you will do if he continues to finagle little acts of dishonesty.

(You are right, btw, that explaining the needs and actions of verification to a FWS cannot be considered a love-buster. They, by their prior actions, have abdicated that claim of "trustworthiness". However, continually "one more chancing" a FWS actually IS an LB, as they lose respect for your integrity.)

So, spell it out, right here, how seriously and totally you will be verifying and deciding on "my" actions. (You won't hurt my feelings!)

NeverGuessed #2527156 07/11/11 07:55 AM
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No lip service, no blah blah, something plain and simple;

Take a little look around this forum and you will see two types of people.

1) People who have come here to fix their marriage.

2) People who have come here to fix their spouse.

One of these groups is successful. They "fix" what they have come here to fix, and have happy lives.

The second group have the exact same struggles now as whenever they arrived, and they may have arrive 2, 4, 7 years ago. They are tired and miserable, and they just can't figure out; how do you get this durn MB thang to work.

Those people often get angry when others try to help them, they lash out a lot, and a lot of the best posters here? They no longer post to them. Because, over their time here they have shown an inability to listen, and an inability to fully understand how this MB thing works.


Which group would you like to be in?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
HoldHerHand #2527368 07/11/11 05:21 PM
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Rising,

I think you have a very good grasp of MB principles. Is your H on board fully?

One of the things I finally realized that I could not change my H. If he was not invested in the M, I could not push him - pull him into it.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2527422 07/11/11 08:35 PM
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I had responses typed out for each of you, but I doubt any of it made any sense. I am just confused.

I dont know if I did the right thing or committed a LB.

I dont know if I am protecting a boundary or trying to change/fix him.

I dont know if he is telling me the truth or not, and I certainly dont know what to do about it.

I thought I had handled it the way I was advised to handle it, maybe I was wrong.

The only thing I do know is that I cant go back to the way things were before. If I have no way to protect myself and I cant voice concerns or fear or suspicions without it being a LB...
If I cant ask for tighter EP's when I feel unsafe...

I would rather be divorced.






We lived in two different countries for two years. Thank you US Army.

Me-24 FWW/BW
DH-27 FWH/BH
DS-6 years DD- 1 year

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anas Nin

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,


RisingFromAshes #2527431 07/11/11 09:37 PM
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Ash, all I can say is that as a FWS, if my H was willing to give me a chance, and needed certain things from me, I'd do them, no questions. That would include a drug test, if drugs were something that had been a factor in my waywardness and if my taking a drug test made him feel safe. Don't know if that makes sense, but IMHO if your H is on board with MB and wants to recover your M, then he should do whatever you need to make you feel safe.

Him asking if he was "going to be screwed forever because you don't trust anything he says," well, that sucks on his part. Of course you don't trust anything he says, any more than any other BS can trust their FWS. We lost the blind trust we didn't deserve to begin with. Trust must be earned, rebuilt, and cannot be given blindly. He has to understand that, and if he wants to remain married to you then he must do what you need to feel safe. I think it's valid he communicates that he's sad that you don't trust him, but part of that communication should include - on his part - his recognition that he is the cause of that.

Would using debit/credit cards for gas be possible? He'd have a receipt he could show you. Heck I almost never carry cash anymore, I use my cards.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
RisingFromAshes #2527455 07/12/11 12:33 AM
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Originally Posted by RisingFromAshes
I had responses typed out for each of you, but I doubt any of it made any sense. I am just confused.

I dont know if I did the right thing or committed a LB.

I dont know if I am protecting a boundary or trying to change/fix him.

I dont know if he is telling me the truth or not, and I certainly dont know what to do about it.

I thought I had handled it the way I was advised to handle it, maybe I was wrong.

The only thing I do know is that I cant go back to the way things were before. If I have no way to protect myself and I cant voice concerns or fear or suspicions without it being a LB...
If I cant ask for tighter EP's when I feel unsafe...

I would rather be divorced.

These are not bad things to ask, or to think about RFA.

I wish I could answer each and every one of your statements both gently and eloquently, alas I cannot.

However; WPG has a thread here discussing boundaries. Pep has a thread talking about boundaries. Boundaries are there to protect you, and not to control your spouse.

Did you do the right thing or commit an LB? This is perfectly posed.

Radical honesty is what this system is about, while love busting is not.

This is why the use of the "I'd love it if _____" and "I love it when _____" type statements is encouraged. Do not be baited further than those statements, as it can wade you out into DJ territory. Your feelings as related to an action are just so. No justification or explanation required.

Other than that - Army Mama posed it perfectly in her concise post above; You can't fix him. You can't control him. You can't push or pull him into an MB-led recovery.

You can; avoid love busters, meet his needs, make it safe and pleasant for him to meet your needs.

After that, if he cannot appreciate what is standing in front of him enough to think about correcting his own Rectocranial inversion... then he just lost a woman who will be a wonderful wife to a man who can.

Work on you, perfect you - as it pertains to an MB marriage - and let him decide to follow.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
HoldHerHand #2527466 07/12/11 05:25 AM
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Rising,

If you voiced your feelings as a complaint and not a selfish demand, then you are working the MB program. If you avoided selfish demands, disrespectful judgements and an angry outburst and laid out your concern in a calm manner, you are working MB. It is not a selfish demand to request your H to act in a way that will make you feel safe.

Things will come up. Is H willing to brainstorm a solution that will work for both of you?

Just yesterday, I told H that there were some shirts that he had that were bothering me. He had been wearing one when we were working on our renovaion project. The shirts were four Army shirts and in the past I had found a similar one with a pink bath and body works ribbon on it. The OW had given it to him. In any case, yesterday, H simply said, "If they are bothering you, let's just throw them out". Simple solution and we moved on to working in the garden.


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2528140 07/14/11 06:36 PM
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I spent quite a bit of time since I posted this last issue very upset and concerned. I was so unsure of myself and my H. I didnt know if I was doing the right thing, and doubts were weighing pretty heavily in my mind about my H and his decision to be honest or not.

He was actually great, and very supportive of me when I was upset. He talked to me about the issue and my fears quite a bit.

During on of these talks we were discussing whether what I had said and done to handle the situation was a LB for him. Opinion here has been divided somewhat and I was confused. His response to this was that no one but him could possibly know what does or does not affect his feelings of love for me.

It was a lightbulb moment for me for sure. I do the best I can to avoid LB's, but it is on his side of the street to let me know if or when I mess up. He is the only one who could possibly know what hurts his love for me. Trying to decide what he feels about my actions is a big assumption, it's a DJ. If I have doubts about something like that I need to ask HIM. He said that the way I handled it was not a LB for him, that he prefers to know when I have suspicions as it is part of RH for him. He said that at times like that he is upset, but that it is with himself because he knows that it was his dishonesty that destroyed my trust in him.

I have also been thinking a lot about what NG said, about how to convince my H that I will not give him another chance. The truth is that I cannot. The only way to convince him that this is his last chance is for him to mess up and me to actually leave. I cannot control what choice he will make. I know in my own mind and heart that I cannot go back down that road. I am certain that this is his last chance. If he chooses to find out the hard way then that is on him. It is not something I have control over and it is a waste of my time and energy to worry about it. He will make his choice, and if he makes that choice a destructive one then I will remove myself and my children from him.

I am going to protect my boundaries, and no one but me has the right to decide what my boundaries are. One of my boundaries is that I will not remain in a M where I do not feel safe. If he is not willing to correct any areas where I feel unsafe then he is not the man I need in my life.

I have no desire to fix him, and I couldnt even if I wanted to. I am fixing myself, and the part of me would stay with a man who was a serial cheater, alcoholic and drug addict. I deserve better than that and so do my children. I am hoping that he decides to be better than that, but if he doesnt then we will be ok without him. And no I am not ever going to just take him at his word for it again. He certainly wouldnt be honest with me about it. I will check and I will verify, and if a situation comes up that I dont have the stuff in place to check and verify then he can work with me and negotiate ways to correct that or he can be gone from my life.

It's his choice, I have decided what I will and will not live with. I've been doing this long enough, he is either completely on board and willing to do what it takes or he isnt.

He is honestly doing much better, and the incidents that we have had have been handled and EP's tightened, but I dont think this has really been so much about him. It's been about me and letting go of my fear of his actions. And finally taking control of the only thing I can control...myself.

I have been so afraid to protect myself...afraid that it would drive him away. The things he did to me, he did because I allowed it to happen. He may still have done them, but it wouldnt have been to me if I not chosen to stay, or bend on my EP's, or take his word for it when I knew that it just didnt sound right.

I was a victim at least partially of my own making.

Now I am chosing a happy healthy me, and to be the best spouse I can be.

He decides whether he is going to be part of that or not.











We lived in two different countries for two years. Thank you US Army.

Me-24 FWW/BW
DH-27 FWH/BH
DS-6 years DD- 1 year

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anas Nin

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,


RisingFromAshes #2532925 08/03/11 02:19 PM
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It's been awhile since I posted, and I have been amazingly at peace. I dont know quite how to explain it, just that I dont feel fear anymore over my H or the choices he makes. I dont feel the need to try and push, pull, or drag him into doing the right things. I am calm and it's been such a long time since I have felt that way.

My H is...not calm. I dont know why and I honestly cant really make any sense of his explainations. Since I stopped being afraid, it seems that he has become that way.

He checks on me at least a dozen times a day, and seems to be constantly anxious. I dont mind him checking, I have nothing to hide from him, I just dont quite understand why this has popped up all of a sudden when he never had issues like this before.

I have done everything I can think of to give him what he needs to feel safe, and he just keeps telling me that all of my constant worrying was part of how he knew I loved him. Now that I am not always worrying he thinks I dont love him anymore.

Is this normal?

I still check and still expect transparency from him but I dont live in constant fear anymore. I would have thought he would be happy about that, and I dont know what to do about his sudden insecurity. He acts like he wants me to go back to living in fear of his every decision and I really am just not going back to that.

I am really confused right now, and hoping maybe I can get some insight about how to ease his fears.


We lived in two different countries for two years. Thank you US Army.

Me-24 FWW/BW
DH-27 FWH/BH
DS-6 years DD- 1 year

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. ~Anas Nin

If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be. ~Robert Brault,


RisingFromAshes #2532950 08/03/11 04:25 PM
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Yes, it's normal RFA.

You have finally hit that breach where you are, and will only, accept responsibility for you and your actions. You will no longer put up with his poor choices if he continues to make them. You are allowing him the "freedom" to... well, screw himself.

And him?

He knows that you now have the will and strength to drop him like a bad habit if he don't get on board.

For you, it's a bit of peace. For him; pure fear.

Let's see if he can up his game, eh?

Continue to keep your side of the street clean. Congrats on the breakthrough.


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
RisingFromAshes #2532955 08/03/11 04:54 PM
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There is nothing wrong with you.

Me-23 FWW/BW
DH-26 FWH/BH

I don't remember the details of your and his affairs, however you both walked the W side of the street.

You have come out calm and are now in a good place. The thing is many a WS when embarking on their affair ignore or never ask themselves the question "what is good for goose is good for the gander", is it ok for my spouse to have a affair while I have mine, and if they do it's always no way jose.

You have shown your WH/BH that you can go do someone else while married to him.

This fact has him laying manure bricks in his pants.

It has nothing to do with you being a good wife.

It has everything to do with him living in a tremendous fear of what can happen.

I'm not saying that you have not learnt anything from your experiences and would back slide.

Ask your self what can you do to ease his fears. This has nothing to do with you being a door mat now.

Last edited by TheRoad; 08/03/11 07:14 PM.
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