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One thing that I forgot to ask his parents are very good I love them should I tell him about his infidelity or leave that alone I am very torn about it. He told me that he has not told anyone about it becuase he states he is a very private person

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You need to take a breath and read what people have told you to do. You are asking repetitive questions.


Thanks for all the support along the way.
I wish you all well. I'm outta here.
Peace.
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No, you should not have threatened her that you would tell her husband. You should have just told her husband with no warning to her or your WH.

She will probably spin a story to her husband that some crazy woman is accusing her of untrue stuff, but don't let that stop you from telling her husband. Give him copies of her number on your cellphone bill so he will know that you're telling the truth.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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read this article by Dr S Harley about exposure. It is long but has a lot of good info. Read it twice...slowly.

It is important to get it right.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Im sorry everyone frown I feeling like I am spinning around in circles I have read everything to my replies

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While your husband is gone, you need to expose the affair to everyone and ask them for their help to support your marriage.

Read on this website about exposing affairs. Your husband tells you he is very "private" because he wants you to keep quiet.

Affairs are "secret" - not "PRIVATE". There is a difference, you know. Private things are those things between a man and his wife, or things you may do in the restroom alone, for example. Secrets are things you do not want people to know about because they will cause you embarrassment - such as AFFAIRS!

Affairs thrive in secrecy. They are kept secret because the affair partners know that they are shameful and wrong. Once exposed, most affairs fall apart.

Your husband will be very angry when you expose the affair, so expect him to say things like, "Well, I was going to work with you on the marriage, but now that you did this we are through." He will say all sorts of mean and cruel things because you expose the affair. Expect it. Be ready for it. Do not worry about it, because your response to whatever he says will be:

"I exposed the affair because there can only be two people in our marriage. I want to save our marriage, I love you."


That's all. Don't engage him in any arguments over exposure. Don't apologize.


Now, you do NOT tell him you are going to expose the affair, no warning, nothing. You just DO IT.

Exposure is NOT vindictive. It is NOT mean. It is so you can bring the affair to light, and to ask others to SUPPORT the marriage and to discourage the affair.

You contact his relatives, your relatives, and any friends you can think of. You also contact any friends or relatives of the OW that you can identify.


You say something like,

"My husband and OW are having an affair. I do not have all the details yet, but I am calling (or writing) to ask your support for my marriage. A marriage cannot survive with three people in it, and I am asking you to discourage this intrusion into my marriage. I love my husband, and I know that we can repair our relationship and make it through this difficult time - but we will need the love and support of all of our friends and relatives. Please do not allow OW into your lives, please be a supporter of marriage, and help us recover from this terrible event. I hope I can count on you."


That's it. You do not say nasty things about OW or your husband. Don't be hateful or weak. Just expose the affair, and ask for marital support.

It doesn't have to be anything more right now. People will talk, and news will spread.


Use email, Facebook, anything you can. Get the word out!



You will get more support than you expect.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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All of the garbage has been overwhelming and Im confused I read the basic concepts but dont understand the exposure part. I have already sent text messages to the OW told her to either end it or I would tell her spouse. Problem is I called the cell phone number that he has been calling and she never answers. Any other suggestions.

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Thank you I do need to calm down and get a grip I did read the basic concepts and read the other posts. Not sure what I will do next I did send a text telling the OW again that I would let her husband know about the affair. I wish I could just dig a grave and crawl in it

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Originally Posted by browneyedgirl913
Thank you I do need to calm down and get a grip I did read the basic concepts and read the other posts. Not sure what I will do next I did send a text telling the OW again that I would let her husband know about the affair. I wish I could just dig a grave and crawl in it

Brown,

We have all made mistakes in our desperation to save our M. Don't beat yourself up. This one can be fixed. It just means that you will have to personally call OWH and offer to show him the proof. He will see after talking to you that you are not the mean jealous person that OW has painted you to be. You can ask him to become your ally in breaking this up.

Try to lay low and not give your H reason to take it further underground.

Exposure is most effective when it comes unexpected.

Stay calm and fight wisely.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Try googling both names and also the phone number. See what comes up. Maybe you will get a match.

It's amazing what you can find by googling the phone number. This is what I did for all the phone numbers that my FWH called. I got a resume for one of the numbers.


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

Recovered

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Stop hun,

Read up and absorb on Friday. Not sure what your day looks like, but take the time to read the posts, connect the dots and then ask questions.

Anything on Friday that's predetermined is going to still happen on Saturday, so you have plenty of time. Breathe and read.

You'll get fabulous help here, but I don't want you to get overwhelmed with terms and plans without knowing the basics.

Read Basic Concepts (AGAIN) The advice will make more sense to you. It'll take about and hour. OK?

Calm yourself, too, You've gotta do that.

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Thanks Surfer88 I needed that I am overwhelmed with all the mess that I have stomached and seems like the more I look the more I find

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You bet. Folks here see this time and time again, which is so stinking unfortunate.

That said, what direction you are being givin is great, but I suggest you take a day or two to absorb the info.

I'm so sorry that you're here. No one derserves your pain, and trust that this is a great place to find a plan to regain a loving and romantic marriage. Note...I said "plan".

Breathe a get a good night's sleep. Don't act on anything today.

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P.S.

I'm sorry that you're finding more crap. Keep it all, OK? Log it, track it and stay quiet for now.

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I reread the basic concepts and it is starting to make fmor sense to me now. I am going to do nothing today but not think and pray about things that are going. Prayer is how I cope with this all and my belief in Jesus Christ. I could not sleep and its 4 am having troulbe with apetite as well but that wont hurt me that is for sure. What else would you reccommend reading on here? Thanks

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Go to bed and rest , you have good friends here , when you are refreshed pick up where you left off. When rested carry on looking for the OW's husband.

Last edited by Xau; 08/05/11 03:23 AM.
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You have to tell the OW's Husband, he deserves to know and he can be your ally in breaking up the affair........
Exposure is the best way to bust up the fantasy world the affair is in right now...
Of course your husband will be angry so what .......let him be just keep saying you love him and you will do what you have to do to save your marriage........
He will have to be accountable for his actions with everyone else then as well, fantasy life won't last long when reality hits it square in the face.....
I know its hard, just keep telling yourself every little move is a step towards saving your marriage, even if it makes no sense to you right now, the vets here have already helped countless others in your position you have no experience rely on them they are trying to help you through something very painful in the most effective way .......
jessi


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Browneyedgirl, i was in your situation in feb of this year. I didnt want to take everyones advice as i felt like i needed to handle my situation differently. After a few days you will learn that the best thing to do, is do exactly what your advised to do here. These people are the best and they experience people everyday with the same problem. There is a method and a reason for every thing they advise you to do. If you want help, they are giving you the best you can get. Please follow through, put your heart aside at the moment(feels impossible, believe me i know) and do whats needed to be done. First thing you need to blow this affair out of the water with a nuclear explosion! Everyone needs to know. That was very hard for me to do. I was embarrassed and hurt, but the overwhelming support that followed was the best thing for me.

Last edited by lostman101; 08/05/11 08:11 AM.

Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Browneyedgirl --

Do not threaten the other woman with exposure -- actually DO the exposure. Call her husband and give him all the information you know about the affair.

She won't have time to carry on with YOUR husband while she is scrambling trying to keep her own!

Plus, if you warn her before you expose her -- she will have time to disarm you. She will tell her husband that some crazy jealous woman thinks she's trying to steal her husband. But its all innocent, and browneyedgirl has mental problems...thats why OW has been talking to her husband! Trying to advise him on what to do about her...






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Originally Posted by browneyedgirl913
One thing that I forgot to ask his parents are very good I love them should I tell him about his infidelity or leave that alone I am very torn about it. He told me that he has not told anyone about it becuase he states he is a very private person

Everyone should be told about the affair. The more people the better. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will ruin the fantasy aspect. It will help wake your husband up to have to explain his sleazy behavior to others. And if he is a "private person" he will hate it all the more. That is good!

The other glaring problem in your marriage is the fact that he has a job that takes him away from you overnight. In order to recover your marriage, he would need to find a job where he is home with you every night. jobs like this are an invitation to an affair.

The most important thing you can read on this website is Dr Harley's article about exposure. It contains the most effective solution to your problem:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
When Should An Affair Be Exposed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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