Plan the exposure.....do it with CALCULATION....not emotion.

I confronted the OM at his office.......I called the OM's wife at home.....I sent certified letters to the OM's adult children......I outlined the affair to her parents, to our friends, to her primary family members.

She was PIZZED OFF!!!!!......probably still is!

I sent her a "Plan B Letter" and was prepared to wait it out.

But Dr. Harley said to contact her after we talked on his radio program......So, I sent her a card and will follow up with a call next week.

Now.......cool off.......find some peace.......and LISTEN to the advice from Dr. Harley and this site. Do you have any of Dr. Harleys books?
You need "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs".....you need to read them and then READ THEM again!

I am 4 weeks from hearing my Wayward Wife (WW) admit her affair!......If I can cool off...... ....YOU can cool off!

DO NOT act out of anger or fear.....act with deliberation and have a plan!

WE are here for you!!


Appetite?..... ......I lost 25 pounds in ONE MONTH! (But I look good in the shower!)

Go to the bookstore on this site and order the books I recommended earlier.

I am taking medication to sleep for the last 2 weeks and have NEVER had any trouble sleeping.....basically I am 4 weeks AHEAD of you in your/my DISASTER.....and I'm still here, still Love my Wife, and I'm STILL fighting for my Marriage!!

There IS hope.....read the books.......listen to advice....do not give up or give in!!

Start your plan.

We will help.

Keep God close to you......I speak with God ALL DAY LONG!......listen for the softly spoken answers.
TURN OFF THE CHATTER of the radio and the TV.....LISTEN for the answers!

Expose expose expose. Is the skankho on FB? That is HUUGE if she is.

I say a massive FB exposure to dampen her weekend.

We are here to take down the skank and the affair!!!! Never fear!

Just do what we say. Trust me. Works.

I have a phone number but I am not sure about her spouse. I would love to tell him but not sure who he is.

Thanks for the words of encouragment I needed to hear them. I have his needs her needs and I am reading 3 books currently to help me Imagine that. I am reading Torn Assunder and His needs her Needs, Healing the hurt in your marriage. Im sorry that anyone has to to thru the grief, hurt and pain. I have not been able to sleep and took a couple of Benadryl so I could have been emotionally exhausted.

It is the most awful pain imaginable - but it does get better,

Nowhere to go but up, right?

STAY with Dr. Harley's books for now.....stay consistent!!
Other information may give you conflicting views.....you DO NOT need conflicting viewpoints right now!!
Stay with Marriage Builders!!!!

Dear Steve,

This is letter is the hardest thing i have ever writeen. You are the love of my live and I thought i was the love of yours. But I wonder if I was wrong. Were our years together what you wanted? I cant believe that all this has happened. I feel like I am in the worst night mare I have ever had. In my heart it seems like a bad dream, but in my head I know its true.
I have had my faults as a wife and I know and am willing to work on them. But at this most difficult juncture in our marriage. I wanted to let you know I am releasing you to your choices.
I love you very much and I made a committment before God and a promise to love you and you only forever. However, true love really sets people free. I hope you will choose to stay with me as my husband but I would not want you to do so out of compassion over how your departure would affect me.
Should you ultimately choose to leave, It would be extremely difficult for me, but I am an adult and know that God will help me to recover and eventually go on with my life.
Ifr you choose to come back, I want you to know that I am fully willing to accept responsibility for putting this marriage back together in a more mutually satisfying way. I know that I needto make personal changes for any future relationship to be successful. I aslo know that if you choose our marriage, our mutual recovery will be slow, difficult, and painful. We both will surely feel like quitting along the way working through our issues will stretch both of us to the breaking point. But you have my committmen to this process, and I hope and pray that you will joing me in it.
But you, are an adult and are free to walk away if that is what you truly desire. I only ask that, should you choose to leave you carry out the decision appropriately without decit. I think this letter clearlys states my feelingks and I thank you for listening. I ask you to search your hear and make a decision within the near future as wo whether you want to restore or marriage or not steve. Regardless of your decision I love and wis the best for you.

Love always,


Vicki

I went to counseling yesterday and discussed this with the counselor I wanted to post this and see what you all think. Its all I can do right now.

OMG I am so torn right now I have been talking to him and he says that its the way I react to things and I dont listen I typed the letter above and told him to make a choice. He is feeling guilty about his kids and things worried about his mental health

We are talking but I feel like I am getting the you know what end of the stick and getting all the blame I can hear her heart in her conversation

Everything he says is nonsense right now. He is an active wayward foggy with guilt and selfish motives

You are Plan A'ing him first, so be loving and kind, meet his ENs. If he says something hurtful and nonsensical just say, "I love you and want to have a great marriage with you. Do you want a cookie?"

He will not accept your love and attention just yet, expect that and dont be hurt. But he will remember it when he gets lonely in plan B.

Plan A should only last a few weeks, so you can stay strong and do it.

Have you exposed yet to everyone, including the AP side? That is the the most important step.

Dr Harley says affairs do not usually last six months once exposed to the light of day. A rare few go two years.

So the sooner the A is killed the better,

If you want him de-fogged, kill the A.

Dont worry about his anger that you exposed, continue to Plan A him and tell him that you exposed the A for the good of your marriage because you love him.

You can do it!

Good luck.

Where do I find out about Plan A

I have been debating all weekend and wondering whether I should expose the affair to his parents. I am so uncertain of things right now.

You must expose as soon as possible to everyone who has influence over the two of them. His parents are very important exposure targets. They also need to know about the dangerous folly their son has been indulging in.

Your H and OW have been cosy in the dark of secrecy so far. Like spiders, spinning little fantasies which justify what they are doing. Exposure shines a light on how filthy and disgusting it really is. An affair cannot survive that sort of light. It is key towards making your h WAKE UP and stop lying to himself.

Follow the link below for Plan A and Plan B.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Dr H describes plan A as:

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover

Why do you debate exposure to his parents?

EXPOSURE is like taking a broom and swatting away the web of lies. It destroys it.

YOU have to do it. It is like turning on the light when there are roaches outside on your back deck. They run for cover.

The reality of an affair IS UGLY beyond belief. That is why celebrities, politicians, and presidents even cover theirs up. If they were so wonderful and their affair partner so fabulous, why wouldn't they (affairees) be shouting the praises of their affairs from the rooftops?

Answer is simple. IT'S WRONG, IT'S A SIN AND IT'S UGLY. To be found cheating reveals that you are a committed liar, cheat, and are stealing from your marriage partner which shows poor character. NOT a flattering self portrait to paint.

So expose. AND DO NOT WARN AHEAD OF TIME ANYBODY OR TRY TO NEGOTIATE WITH THE WS. It's like negotiating with a terrorist (a marriage terrorist). Not a good idea.

Drop it unexpectedly, like a bomb on them. A take no prisoners bomb of truth.

I have been debating because I respect and love them and not sure they will take my side or not. His first wife had and affair and it caused him to have a nervous breakdown. I am not sure that he is stable or not

I have been debating because I think that he may have mental issues His first wife cheated on him and he had a nervous break down. That is why I have been debating this been very hard never cried so much in all my life. I want to tell them but not sure how to go about it Telephone face to face wht

If they are local, face to face would be best, otherwise, phone.

Also, you need to do this exposure swiftly and fully.

Make a list of ALL of the people you can expose to. The list should include people on your side, his side and OW's side.

Take a moment and get that list compiled, and then do it all on the same day, to have it's maximum effect.

If you trickle out exposure, it will be less effective.

No one has ever regretted exposing their WS. There are PLENTY who have regretted not exposing, exposing too late, or not fully.

Exposing even when there maybe mental issues involved > > ? Im reading and understanding but what if your counselor didnt reccomend it

Most counselors don't know what they are doing when it comes to adultery and how to overcome it.

It doesn't matter if there are mental issues or not, adultery is wrong. It needs to be exposed.

There is no harm in telling someone the truth and asking for their support is there? They either give it or they dont, but you just say: 'please help me save your son from a disastrous mistake. please help me save my marriage.' Then leave it up to them.

I was a bit scared of exposure, but it was the best thing I ever did. So much support and concern. WH and OW went from cool and callous unconcern to embarrassment and shame and not wanting to be seen with each other. It broke half the spell.

You are in shock right now (like we all were) but you have a great plan and you can do it.

No matter what the mental issue, the truth is always the right thing to do. If your h was an alcoholic or had bi-polar, you wouldnt dream of trying to keep it secret from his loved ones would you?
You would ask for help on his behalf. This is just the same.