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I just listened to the show. What I heard them say was that they thought Bill did the right thing by limiting contact when he was feeling so badly. Being depressed and not having enough sleep would not help the situation or impress Bill's wife.
What I heard next was that now Bill is feeling better, he should contact his wife and offer some sort of assistance. Dr. Harley and Joyce agreed that financial assistance might make Bill more attractive than the other man. This is somewhat opposite most of the advice on the forum. Normally, there is a pretty strong stance against "financing an affair". I guess the point here is that Bill does not really know if the affair has ended. His wife said it was over, but she said this in front of her parents, so who knows whether she is telling the truth.
It appears as if Dr. Harley feels strongly that Bill's wife will not get this man and that after a period of time, she will give up on OM and may become very depressed a la Sue in the book. And after a period of time of giving it his best shot, if there is not a recovered marriage, Bill can at least say he gave it his best shot.
And I liked his radio voice, as well.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I was shocked on the air today that Dr. Harley would make that recommendation......but I suppose I'll follow it.
But I'm confused......I thought the Plan B letter was strong measure and that she was supposed to contact me from that point forward?
Now I'm REALLY confused. Bill, he is telling you to stay in contact with her and to NOT do Plan B. OK.....now I understand......I just listened to the broadcast again.......I see your point and Dr. Harleys point. Phone her?.....or send a letter? Whatever you think is best!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Dr H must think youre in a good position to recommend that...
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Dr H must think youre in a good position to recommend that... He does think that. Bill told him that he was now taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist to help him. HOWEVER, Dr H said if he was a woman he would NOT BE telling him to remain in contact with the WS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I was shocked on the air today that Dr. Harley would make that recommendation......but I suppose I'll follow it. Decades of experience, founded this program... thousands of successful cases. It's not shocking, it's just the difference between what an amateur can see, and what an expert can see. And, in the case of MB, the forum "amateurs" are very expert... Eh... Kung Fu Panda? Po < The 5 < Shifu < Oogway the world < forum peeps < forum vets < Harleys
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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Dr H must think youre in a good position to recommend that... He does think that. Bill told him that he was now taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist to help him. HOWEVER, Dr H said if he was a woman he would NOT BE telling him to remain in contact with the WS. So.....looks like I'll be sending the Wife a card! What to say? Then follow it up with a call. The good news is that my Daughter now see's my rationale for blowing the affair out of the water......she may not agree with it but I got to explain it to her a few nights ago at dinner. She feels torn between her Mom and I .....I tried to lighten that up for her. AND my In-Laws called me on the way home......saying they would like to see us back together soon. And I thought they were all mad at me...... 
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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That is great! Were you able to listen to the show again? I just listened to it again and it sounds like great advice. The only thing I can think to add is that your wife will probably still be angry about your exposure. Whatever you do, DO NOT apologize for doing that. The reason is because in her fog, she will use that as ammunition against you. Just tell her you feel like everyone should know about her affair and had no reason to hide it. Then leave it at that. If you start apologizing you will be handing a loaded gun to her - that she will use against you!  Do you think you could get her to talk to the Harleys? One way to do it is to ask her to speak to the Harleys so she can explain her perspective. Tell her that you told them how unhappy she has been for years and about all her trials. Say "they are trying to help me through this and want to hear your perspective." That would be great if you could get her to talk to them because Dr Harley might be get through to her. If not, he could plant a SEED.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Bill's radio show from today! Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This was a great segment! Bill, I am rooting for you. Please keep us posted on how this goes. I'm glad to hear that you also have support IRL but know that we're here for you too.
P.S. You have a wonderful voice! Thinking outside the box here, it would be cool if you could do a "just because" video or CD with music and your voice. I'm thinking romance. Would that be totally out of character for you? Maybe later.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Maybe it is just me, but I would put a romantic CS on the back burner for a while. I think a card followed up by a call is a great idea. Maybe during the call, offer a meeting for coffee and offer to "help" WW in some capacity - with car, hanging pictures, mowing lawn, or some other similar task.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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OK.....stopped by Hallmark on the way home......got a sweet card......it said "I need you here with me!"
I included a sweet note....."Let's put this back together, I don't want to lose you!"
A phone call will follow next week.
Did I do OK?
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Awesome, so romantic..
Btw, you do have a good radio voice!! I agree with princessmeggy that you should use it.
Maybe a voicemail on her phone, something she can listen to over and over again? THAT should get her good. muhhahahhahahha ( i need an evil laugh icon)
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Awesome, so romantic..
Btw, you do have a good radio voice!! I agree with princessmeggy that you should use it.
Maybe a voicemail on her phone, something she can listen to over and over again? THAT should get her good. muhhahahhahahha ( i need an evil laugh icon) You people here are just terrific!!!  I was in radio for a brief time in my early 20's.....that was 30+ years ago.....but it's nice to know that "I still got it!" Let's see what the Wife says when she gets the card and then my call. I think she's depressed but doesn't see it. She's addicted to clothes and shoes....(I know, what woman isn't!?!?)......and tries to buy happiness. Hopefully I can get through to her. It's tough.....she's the cheater and I'm trying to win her back?!?!......seems backwards sometimes when you think about it. But.....I'm following Dr. Harley's advice to the end! The Beautiful Girl I met 15 years ago.....the Beautiful Wife I married 12 years ago......is still in there!!! The Good Guy.....the "Crazy in Love Husband" is STILL here too!
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Well.....my Wife got the card yesterday. I called today......she blames me for "Going too far and ruining the Marriage" for blowing it out of the water and embarrassing her in front of too many people. She said "I'm done!" I told her "I'm sorry that you feel that way, I did what I needed to do to fight for my Marriage." So.......back to Plan B........leave her alone! ...just keep saying I will do what ever I have to save my marriage and family......I love you and I am fighting for us......over and over again, stay calm....
Wait and watch it all fall apart for her........she will miss you even if she is mad....Patience is the name of the game now, calmly with integrity and class........
jessi Many close friends who know my wife see that she is not happy whether I'm around or not......basically she's not happy with herself. Any suggestions?
Last edited by BillCarolina; 08/06/11 04:49 PM.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Any suggestions? Bill, Her reaction sounds pretty typical. I hope you didn't burst out laughing. Suggestions? Think back to the radio show. What were you advised?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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It gets better.....  Not 15 minutes ago I get a phone call from the Wife! "I'm going out of town next week, can you babysit the dogs while I'm gone?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Earlier today you said that you had no interest in me as a Spouse and WAS NOT interested in working on our Marriage!!!!! I was SO SHOCKED that she could ask me that after refusing my offer to discuss our Marriage that all I could think of to say was "No, sorry, it's just too difficult for me to watch the dogs." I'm not worthy enough to be a Husband to you but I'm good enough to be a dog-sitter?!?!?! Sorry......I'm NOT a doormat!!!!! 
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Just when you think the WS cannot possibly subject yout to any further humiliation, s/he zings you with something like that. This morning I told my WH to be sure and read his horoscope, the first line of which read: "You can heal your relationship if you want to." HE picked up on the last line instead, which said: "Tonight, strut your stuff."
Aargh
Me: BW,56
Him: WH,57
DD#1 25 yrs ago
DD#2 7 yrs ago
DD#3 May 12
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Bill,
Her reaction sounds pretty typical. I hope you didn't burst out laughing.
Suggestions? Think back to the radio show. What were you advised? I'm foggy after today......what was the advice?
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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Bill,
Dr. Harley's advice was for you to meet whatever emotional need(s) you could for your wife. On the radio show, it sounded as if one of those needs was financial support.
It sounds as if you missed a golden opportunity with the dogs. She is giving you an opportunity to meet a need. Call her back and offer to watch the dogs after all. And don't talk about getting back together and your relationship. At least, not now.
Vets who heard the show - please chime in if you think I am off base here.
AM
Last edited by armymama; 08/06/11 08:48 PM.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I saw the Wifes response as "No, don't want a husband....but I need a dogsitter! Sorry but I have 12 years into this Marriage and I'm not going to be treated as simply a Dog-sitter! I Want to be a HUSBAND!......not to be treated as a doormat. I have wanted to be HER husband for a long time.......and repeatedly pledged my Love and Devotion before AND AFTER I found out about her Affair........and repeatedly offered to work things out but was refused. So.........even after ANOTHER pledge of Love and Devotion and reconciliation I am refused by her , not deemed good enough to be a husband......BUT I'm good enough to be a dog sitter.......NOPE, I am NOT going to be used by her in that manner. Fighting for your Marriage is one thing......being taken advantage by your Spouse after they refuse your Love is quite another. Patience is the name of the game now, calmly with integrity and class........
Last edited by BillCarolina; 08/07/11 05:43 AM.
BH(Me)= 55 WW(Her)=43 DD=24 (My step-daughter, been raising her since the age of 8, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!!) Married=13 yrs Together=16.5 yrs THIS IS MY STORYWW moved out of the home = May 1,2011 D-Day=July 4, 2011 Dear Wife: I'm COMPLETELY CRAZY about you!..... as of Aug-2012 forget that last part....Good Luck to you and GOODBYE!!"Mourn the woman she was. Know the woman she is."
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