No 2X4s from me but as Neak said, it keeps your pain and mental unease greater.

Plan B
is
for
you

That is sucks for the wayward is gravy.

Now..........stop getting sucked into his vortex and tomorrow be one heck of a strong and powerful and non-engaging wife.

Do it.

Sleep well. You are going to be okay.

Yes I need to stay out of the drama.

Okay. Tomorrow after the court date will be a new day for me to escape from the vortex. I can and I will. I hope that I am taking $$$ with me. But then I will just buckle down on the things I can control-- my own life.

Mehr - I am in Plan B with four small children and the peace I am finally reaching is wonderful.

Every contact you have with him makes you the enemy. I realized that several months ago.

My WH needed me to be his punching bag. My WH is very wayward like yours. He withheld money from me and the kids, he made me out to be a horrible mother, and has called me every other name in the book. He has thrown me under the bus with OW, and all his wayward friends today.

After reading and reading and reading about this behavior I realized he needs me to be his enemy. He needs me to punch because my wayward is in his own he[[. It is easier for him to use me to get out his angries versus looking at himself.

I decided a while back I had enough punches. I wasn't going to let him break me anymore. I didn't want to be his enemy. I learned from this forum he and OW and all his friends can meet his needs.

My WH has tried extensively to break Plan B because they cannot meet his needs, his depression is getting worse, and he no longer can punch the crap out of me. My mom is my IM, and before I told her to stop she would forward me his emails about how depressed he was and how his stomach has a pit in the bottom and he needs us to be friends. I haven't asked her for while if he is still sending those emails because I want to do a true Plan B.

I know things are not all well in lala land. I sit most of the day in prayer for him. Asking GOD to hook him, break him, bring him home.

In the meantime I am becoming the wife that can meet his emotional needs. I am working really hard to lose enough weight to be 125 pounds so I am the wife of his youth. I should be there by Thanksgiving. Then the OW and I are finally on the same playing field.

I decided when I am 125 pounds I will allow him to see me when he picks up the kids. I will allow him to see a sexy hot mama. Yes I know this breaks Plan B at Thanksgiving. I am going to slip in a silent Plan A so he can see the PA in me. Then I go Black again and stay very dark. Then he will know - she did it. She actually lost the weight. She is the wife of my youth.

Last year at Christmas my husband returned to the marriage. I am praying GOD brings him home by Christmas this year.

If not then I am fully preparing myself internally to move on to a new husband. I am reading Lovebusters and HNHN weekly to improve myself and become the wife I want to become.

Like you I do not want to raise four babies on my own. My do over will be my do over. This means I want to attract a husband and father who is that buyer. Who wants to care, love, and protect me. I look forward today to have my current husband be that man. I am fully prepared for a new one it it comes to that.

Stay Dark - I guarentee you he is having AO's, DJ's and many lovebusters to her. He is in a dark place in his heart. This dark place doesn't have room for love. Let them use each other as their punching bags.

DO NOT BE THEIR COMMON ENEMY! Get out of the picture.

Things have a way of working themselves out also. Yesterday he bounced the child support check. I spoke to my lawyer and we are going to use child support enforcement to collect the money. My WH wanted to avoid this at all costs. I am also putting a petition in for more CS because my child care has now changed and is more expensive than orginally planned. I should be able to get another $600/month from him. He is going to be so livid, but the CS is what is hitting him the hardest.

OW is very expensive, and he is going broke faster than the stock market crashing.

Time Mehr - give this time to work itself out. There isn't one good thing for either of our situations that warrants our WH's to stay away long. The CS is going to knock it out of him the most.

Consistency and Time Mehr - We can do this together.

What woman really wants to support a man with four kids?

Well, I do wish you luck with today so you can the money you need to take care if those kids.

Now, I want to ask you something about your continued breaks in Plan B, "how's that working for you?". Who's plan are you working here? Are you trying to recover or do you like staying in this pain? It seems to me that it doesn't hurt enough yet, or you feel like you somehow deserve this. Which is it? Because personally, I don't enjoy staying in pain and that is why I CHOSE a different path.

I can't sit here and watch you do this to yourself and act like you have no control over it. Why are you intentionally making this harder on yourself than it needs to be? What are you getting out of it? Think about that.

I will tell you that this persoanl recovery gig isn't easy.

T/j Tough, my hope for you is that by thanksgiving, you won't want you WH so see you cuz you won't care what he thinks about how you look. I really hope you don't go through with this, cuz it sets your clock back to zero and then all of this work you did so far will be for naught. End t/j

I haven't been to court yet, it is this afternoon.

But... I want to say I am finally ready. I am finally ready to not allow my mind to think about him/them, and to do plan B right. The pickup situation should be resolving itself with the start of school next week, and after today whatever money I get (hopefully enough) I can live my life and let go of what happens with him.

My friend came over last night and talked to me and that was nice. She is my intermediary.

I am turning over a new leaf today. I am about to start a new semester, and it is a good time.

and

Wow, IITL;
What a post. I wish you all well.

The good news is that I got enough $$ to live on, we will still be in poverty, but its doable.

The bad news is that the kids will now be spending the night at the adultery pad. It cannot be prevented, I TRIED. None of them, including the judge cares. Here in the state of Illinois it is perfectly fine for me to get a boyfriend and bring them over for the night with my kids in the house. I wish he would drop off the face of the earth instead of be such a bad example to our children.

He appears to be in a bit of a hurry to finalize the divorce. Still no court date, but his lawyer was pushing on it so I think he is in a hurry. Not sure whether to call him crazy husband, wayward husband, or soon to be exhusband at this point. My guess is he is in a huge hurry so he can run a quick wedding with the other woman and try to get his family to accept her. They are still refusing to meet her and his family is important to him.

My lawyer says the divorce probably won't take long either, but he'll do what he can.

He's gained a lot of weight. He is not looking so good.

I still pray God brings him to his knees in a real change. I would never take this wayward version back it has to be the godly repented and broken version. Its POSSIBLE.... but my hope definitely dims. I am afraid I will be tolerating HER at my children's weddings. I think if he marries her, even if he doesn't like her, he will stick with it at that point because otherwise he would look the fool even more. That is why I want to drag out the divorce if possible-- he needs enough time to get sick of her.

But my feelings are definitely.... well, I don't like him. And he's overweight and unattractive.

I am WILLING for the sake of the children and my faith, but I am starting to think maybe I would do better to move on.

*edit to correct typoe -- they are NOW spending the night at the adultery pad

How about you disengage your thoughts. Work on it for now.
Neither consider whether you could ever reconsile nor whether he is not worth it.

Do not think about future child weddings (that would be years off) or anything
but
being the best woman and wife you are able to be. Do not expect perfection from yourself but expect you will do your best at any given time.

Release all need to know.

Release all need to do anything but follow your own plan, using plan B as your guide. It is trustworthy and will do you well. As well as can be given the situation.

Yes.... you are right, and I am going to do this!!!

Mehr - I am 100% behind you. I had an awful day as a mom. I was frustrated all day by the lack of respect my kids have for each other. I felt overwhelmed by their fighting.

Then I just got so mad at WH because I cannot believe I am abandoned to do this all on my own. It is hard not to have a pity party as a single.

I walked down my stairs and just said to GOD well this is it. I cannot complain. I just have to do it. I have no choice. I have to raise them. Do the best I can and accept I am doing this all on my own.

I think tonight I will call a girlfriend. Cry some ... Then go to bed and hopefully sleep peacefully.

I still wake up thinking I am in a dream. Can this be real?

Are you still a stay at home mom? Getting out and into college has REALLY helped me with the kids. Now, my "break" from parenting is not when my husband is helping me... it is when I am at school and we are apart. It makes me so much happier to be with them when I am with them, my time is more focused with them because it is limited. Maybe you need something besides parenting to focus on?

Glad you got the money. Now it's time to focus on you.

As far as you're concerned, he DID drop off the face of the earth.

I agree!!!

But one last factoid because its kind of a big deal to me and I forgot to mention it earlier....

We have always lived debt free, no credit cards, never argued about money..... I learned today that he has run up **3000** dollars in credit card debt since May.... remember he is sitting over there with his FULL INCOME....

Wowza!
That is quite a tidbit.

Good thing you are financially separating things....and should get first dibs on dough!

Mehr,

Glad you got the $, but still think now you should fire this attny.

Sorry, but usually judges are more amenable to having kids remain with the mom especially if they are of a "tender" age meaning younger than age five, esp if they are a baby.

This whole ruling is crap to me. I am not convinced your attny fought terribly hard for this. You can always appeal anything and when it comes to the divorce hearing, I would get a MEANER attny and request a change of judge. You can get that.

Did your attny EVEN MENTION the no overnight visitors of opposite sex? Did this get mentioned or even written into the separation agreement? Did a FAIR amount of cs even get mentioned or did the attny simply go on the BARE STATE MINIMUMS established for the provision of the kids???

Keep your focus on the legalities right now, and answer this question....did at least, the judge say that wh has to pay for your attny fees regarding todays' appearance?

If so, then I'd FIRE the attny and go get a new one, since you know that your attny fees will get covered in the future at the next hearing. And you need to make sure there is a NEXT one, where you present the character of the ow, you SUBPOENA the ow, you GET THE OW LEGAL BACKGROUND, you get her income and find out how much she is making vs. how much she is spending of YOUR family assets with your still legal husband.

These are valid questions. You also can get the no overnight visits of opposite sex written in if you get an attny worth their salt.

I harp on this because it happens daily and it works. In my case it was first line of defense of my child against the affair. The no overnight visitor was one way to keep the two ow away from my son overnights. Also, we obtained paychecks and stubs and other information from my bank which refuted the smaller income statements my xwh gave the courts and I got a bit more cs ordered. Even a teeny bit of ss was ordered to me also, despite my having a good college degree.

So yea, a really tough attny is what is needed right now. Custody is THE MAIN THING. And that is a battle that is never, ever ever given up. It is a battle again for another day, and sadly, i think you need a new legal warrior at your side.

This is my second attorney.


The 1yo will come back to me at night.

I mentioned it. They said no.


I got more than I originally thought I would. He just doesn't make enough for me to get more, I hope our final amount is as good as this one.



No, I don't know how you do that. Most people pay for their own attorney in a divorce case.

But seriously, I've had enough. I can't take getting beat up about this anymore, I am going to take my mind off the affair and just live my life. If that means they win, so be it. I can't take any more.

They are not going to 'win'.

No matter what happens down the line.....your WH already lost.

Lost his integrity/honor, family intact, marriage with the one woman who stands the best chance at working towards a truly deep, fulfilling and happy marriage with him.

I like your statement that you are just going to live your life. Yes!

I agree with all of that!

Apparently he IS trying to cake eat now. Today when dropping off the 1yo he tried to TALK TO ME at the door. I just smiled and shut the door. I am okay though. He's getting more insistant on trying to cake eat too, he sent a text message the other day that I ignored. No, I still don't have him on block, because we still share a cell phone plan with my in laws and you can't block someone on your own plan. Yes, I need to get another cell phone. I was just sort of floating along with the free cell phone while it lasted....

Anyway, whatever. Tonight is Battlestar Gallactica marathon night. Nurse baby, watch TV, fold a little laundry. I had a good day without the kids, I went out with a friend for fajitas, went to the library and got some books I like......