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CV, I'm sorry to hear BG has been having such a difficult time of it. Please keep us posted! Thinking of you guys. Thanks WPG, She was really discouraged hearing that the 1st go was a flop. I really don't want her let down again. Hoping that this will work.
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I'll be praying for you and your wife, CV.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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CV, so glad the surgery went better the second time around. Take good care of your wife -- and yourself!
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It did! She went back to work today (for an hour), and was able to do some work. He eye is slowly coming back into focus. We are SOOO happy.
CV
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Awesome Grats CV! 
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Before I started dating my husband I was involved in a sexually abusive relationship. That may sound odd, but the person I was involved with was incredibly sexually deviant and made me do terrible things. He convinced me he had "ruined" me for other men and that this was who I was now. It made me so sick and only by meeting the man who is now my husband I had the strength to get out.
Although I received counseling before marriage, I never quite got over it and it was stuck in my mind that all I am good for to men is sex, and if they don't want that I am worthless. After I got married, my husband worked long hours and turned down sex a lot because he was tired. I felt worthless and undesireable. So when someone came along who thought I was gorgeous and sexy it was like shooting fish in a barrel.
I am currently in counseling and I stress that your wife needs to be in it as well, with a FEMALE counselor. She needs to realize that her worth does not depend on what and how much she can do sexually, but because God made her and loves her deeply. Her former counselor should be charged for abusing his position and power dynamic. He will encounter endless broken girls that he can "groom" and needs to be stopped.
Find her a good, reputable counselor for starters. Hold her. Tell her you love her. Compliment her on even the simplest things. Sexual abuse is something that you cannot just get over, and even when things get better it sticks with you and triggers things inside of you. That is why a pro is best to deal with these things because they are experienced and most likely dealt with it before.
All the best!
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Again, that's great news CV. I can kind of relate because my wife also has eye issues that've required several surgeries. She never had to have a corneal transplant and never had to go through the terrible pain your wife experienced, though. Gave me chills to read about it.
Very glad she seems to be healing up properly this time.
By the way, had a breakthrough with our situation. I had my thread moved over to the Recovery forum.
Take care!
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Tweety, the issue of counseling for sex abuse was addressed very early on in the thread, including excerpts and links to Dr Harleys feelings on counseling for childhood issues.
CV, just as an aside, I talked to Dr Harley about my H's repeated affairs and also his troubled/abusive childhood. Dr Harley said that low self-esteem does play a role but that in his experience(at one time even having 200 therapist working under him) therapy does NOTHING to help self-esteem. I think you already know this and that you and grace are on a good path right now working the program.
ps ~ happy to hear that grace is recovering from her surgery!
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Before I started dating my husband I was involved in a sexually abusive relationship. That may sound odd, but the person I was involved with was incredibly sexually deviant and made me do terrible things. He convinced me he had "ruined" me for other men and that this was who I was now. It made me so sick and only by meeting the man who is now my husband I had the strength to get out.
Hi Tweety, no, it doesn't sound odd. This same feeling you describe was what she experienced after her first affair. She broke it off shortly after it began, but the feelings did remain.
Although I received counseling before marriage, I never quite got over it and it was stuck in my mind that all I am good for to men is sex, and if they don't want that I am worthless. After I got married, my husband worked long hours and turned down sex a lot because he was tired. I felt worthless and undesireable. So when someone came along who thought I was gorgeous and sexy it was like shooting fish in a barrel.
I am currently in counseling and I stress that your wife needs to be in it as well, with a FEMALE counselor. She needs to realize that her worth does not depend on what and how much she can do sexually, but because God made her and loves her deeply. Her former counselor should be charged for abusing his position and power dynamic. He will encounter endless broken girls that he can "groom" and needs to be stopped.
I think it would be fair to say that she is over/past the sexual abuse of her past. we spent a solid three years dealing with that. It is not really a factor. The counselor she was seeing years ago skipped town when he was exposed. I cannot find him even using online pay programs. Frankly he's not worth the time.
Find her a good, reputable counselor for starters. Hold her. Tell her you love her. Compliment her on even the simplest things. Sexual abuse is something that you cannot just get over, and even when things get better it sticks with you and triggers things inside of you. That is why a pro is best to deal with these things because they are experienced and most likely dealt with it before.
All the best!
CV
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Again, that's great news CV. I can kind of relate because my wife also has eye issues that've required several surgeries. She never had to have a corneal transplant and never had to go through the terrible pain your wife experienced, though. Gave me chills to read about it.
Very glad she seems to be healing up properly this time.
By the way, had a breakthrough with our situation. I had my thread moved over to the Recovery forum.
Take care! Great news! I'll have to check it out! She reported this week that her "new" eye is better than the unoperated one, just fatigues faster right now. She's working 1/2 days so this is a great improvement.
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CV, just as an aside, I talked to Dr Harley about my H's repeated affairs and also his troubled/abusive childhood. Dr Harley said that low self-esteem does play a role but that in his experience(at one time even having 200 therapist working under him) therapy does NOTHING to help self-esteem. I think you already know this and that you and grace are on a good path right now working the program.
ps ~ happy to hear that grace is recovering from her surgery! Thanks! You are right. Our esteem has to be found not in what happened or what we've done, but in who we presently are and are becoming. Thanks for all your help! CV
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Ok.... Just when you think it's safe to come out and play....
I thought I've been doing better but am MAJORLY triggered. A week ago OM#2 sends an email to my W. WTF?!?! It's been three years with her having NO contact. He has not tried contacting her in almost 2 years.
The email said: Are you there? I know I haven't tried contacting you in a while but I was hoping we might still have something. Please don't tell ---cv---, but I never stop thinking of you.
What does she do? Shows it to me immediately. unopened. This is my fault. We didn't change her email. Apparently he had her email password and changed the blocked settings.. Rrrggh. All we did was block him.
I contacted his command, but they blew me off (yaaay for the military). I did find his wife. They are separated by several states and have been apparently divorced over a year.
As I said... I'm highly triggered. I am open for suggestions, because my first inclination is to take a drive down to where he's at (7 hours south) and beat him silly.
G says let it ride and don't waste time. What say ye all? How do I pass this trigger? I haven't been this riled up in 2 years.
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He's not worth the time and effort. What about sending him a NC letter, your wife writes, you okay and then send. Then CHANGE HER EMAIL ADDY.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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He's not worth the time and effort. What about sending him a NC letter, your wife writes, you okay and then send. Then CHANGE HER EMAIL ADDY. Hi Scotland, Well... how many NC's are too many? We have sent several in the past three years... We already took care of the email address... That won't be a problem in the future. I'm just kinda at wits end with this tool (not my W). I guess we can write one more, but honestly this POS will take any contact as positive contact I think. Cv
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Then, if you believe you have sent enough NC letters, let him hear crickets.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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cv- you are such a help to so many, i am sorry you are in this state now.
i did a cease and desist letter from a lawyer friend. i guess it got her scared enough for the time being, their day they met anniv is sunday, so i am expecting the worse, but she is a bunny bunner and it saved me the 100+ texts and emails. do yo have a friend that is a lawyer? as long as you have the documents that you have requested NC and thats been broken you have proof.
i thing receiving aletter like that is pretty frightening to anyone. it may work, i am sorry you are dealing with this.
Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan
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cv- you are such a help to so many, i am sorry you are in this state now.
i did a cease and desist letter from a lawyer friend. i guess it got her scared enough for the time being, their day they met anniv is sunday, so i am expecting the worse, but she is a bunny bunner and it saved me the 100+ texts and emails. do yo have a friend that is a lawyer? as long as you have the documents that you have requested NC and thats been broken you have proof.
i thing receiving aletter like that is pretty frightening to anyone. it may work, i am sorry you are dealing with this. Duh! Why didn't I think of this? My wife works for a lawyer! See... that's why I post here. Thanks Chick and Scotland!
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CV,
I am sorry that you've had to revisit the past through the recent episode. I'm thankful that your wife was strong enough to do the right thing.
Know that I am praying for you and wife. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to chat with you sometimes.
Stay encouraged, my friend.
Last edited by marksaysay; 08/13/11 09:22 AM.
BS - Me 36
WS - wife 34
Married 10 yrs
DDay - Early November 2010
WS filed Divorce 11/9/10
Divorce final 12/22/11
1 Corinthians 13:7: (LOVE) Beareth all things, believeth all things, HOPETH all things, endureth all things.
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CV, if you had a lawyer write the letter, you could also either send it registered mail or hire a process server. Know any law enforcement types who could deliver it in uniform? Heh...ok, that could be misrepresentation of police powers, but OM would probably be too busy wetting his pants to worry about that.
On another subject, I was glad to read that BG's second surgery was a success and her vision is improving - good stuff, that!
FWW
"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Thanks Mark,
W's with our youngest at the emergency room again. We think it's mono... but who knows... waiting to find out.
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