It's like you are in my head!!!!



"Freedom to walk away..." Those are difficult words for me to hear at this time....but my Wife does indeed have that Freedom of choice.


I can say that too.


So many people have told me that.


Thanks again jessi......you ARE appreciated.

Tough to swallow.....but it's the truth!


TRUTH again!


I doubt she will make any overtures of return.....her pride will prevent it.

Thanks NG!!!

Forgive me tonight Folks.....it has been a very bad day!
Not for the Wife or Marriage.......but at work.
I work in Diagnostic Imaging at a Hospital.....I was talking to a very nice woman in her early 70's today, preparing her for her scan, I was joking with her, turned away for a moment, and she had a massive stroke RIGHT THERE AND THEN.

Remember this.....you are NOT guaranteed one more heartbeat or one more breath!

LOVE the ones you love.....let them know how you Love them!

I was the last one to see her and talk to her.

I'm just not sure what to do with that tonight. Not a good day.

Bill,

My closest girl friend who owned the house my husband and I shared with her died of a massive heart attack in the main kitchen in our house in May. She was 10 days past her 60th birthday. Dealing with the shock of a death like that is terrible.

Hugs to you through this tough time.

I'm scheduled for some diagnostic imaging at one of the largest North Carolina hospitals due to a recent change of diagnosis from Lupus to Bechets Syndrome. Hope I get a good imaging person!

Bill, what a sad story! It does remind us that we have no guarantees...I don't mean to t/j you, but it reminded me of something I learned yesterday...a girl I used to work with (well, she's a couple years younger than me, and I'm long past girlhood) lost her fiance' suddenly to a brain anyeurism (sp?). He was 38. They were together when he suddenly collapsed. Actually, they weren't yet engaged, but had been seriously dating, and after he died, his family told her that he'd planned to ask her to marry him at Christmas, and had already confided in them his plans.

schoolbus wrote such an excellent post the other day about how we don't have guarantees in life...

I don't have any advice to add to the excellent advice you've been given, but I am following your sitch and hoping your WW wakes up and realizes what an undeserved blessing you are offering her.

Nope.....NO guarantees in Life!
Make use of EVERY moment!
Thank You for the kind words.....I'd like her to wake up!!!!

Well.....the Wife won't return calls or Emails.

Now what!?

Now?

Now you tell us where you are mentally and emotionally. How much do you have left in your tank? How strongly does the light of the image of a renewed life with your WW burn through the smoke and dust of the destruction in which you find yourself standing? Can you hear the music of a better marriage over the cacaphony of WW's current assinine braying?

The answer to those questions then provides guidance for your immediate actions. If tomorrow's "hope" is greater than today's "reality" you wake up another day and stay in a Plan A.

You are fully empowered to switch to a Plan B (D?) when you know it to be the right moment. You will owe her, and your prior marriage, NOTHING at that point in time.

I wish I had a more positive message, but I feel an absolute fraud in recommending an indefinite Plan A.

Bill,

You have said what you needed to say, that is all you can do at this point....
Now you go on with your life, be a good father, be a good friend, be a good man.....live your life for you, have fun, join a new sports team, group and see where life leads you, volunteer, help others.
You take care of the legal stuff and make sure you are looked after .......
Then it's up to your wife to figure out what she wants for her life......let her feel what her decisions have given her........it will take time for her to regain her senses.....
Just be still for now.........let your faith kick in.......
Come here for support.......
jessi

As to her not responding to your emails, plan A is about what you demonstrate, not her responses. She will remember all you do, in spite of the fact she doenst want you to do them yet.

This is something Dr H wrote to a man in a very similar situation to you, which I think is great.


If you are kind and considerate to her during that period of time, and she feels she can return to you without fear of judgments or anger, she will turn to you when her friend slips, and I'm sure he will slip many times. You must remember that anyone who pursues someone else's wife has quite a few character flaws that eventually show up. And I'm sure that she is not the first wife he's pursued -- nor will she be the last. Your wife will see his flaws sooner than you think

Your Plan A reminded me of something I said to WH before I knew he was in the affair. He was pulling away from me and blaming my AOs. The AOs were just my baffled reactions to being purposefully provoked! He was trying to assuage his guilt.

Anyway it wasnt long before I realised the AOs were doing me no favours. Even though I still didnt realise he was having an affair, I instinctually began to Plan A him. Well he didnt like that any more than the AOs because it made him feel guiltier than ever.

One day I said to him as I passed him in the hall:

"I love you babe"

him: "humpf"

me: "Are we going to talk about the fact that you have totally stopped saying I love you? You wont even say it back to me."

him: "I'm too hurt. You have said too many hurtful things. I don't feel I can say it yet"

Me: "Well, I am not going to stop saying it to you!!!!"

(His face collapsed in relief. You now when you practically hear the chink, chink, chink of coins falling into the lovebank?)

Keep going. Give her LOTS to think about for when she's being Plan B'd should that time arrive.

UGH......emotionally?.....I'm tired!

Mentally?......my fog of heartbreak and betrayal since D-Day (July 4, 2011) is FINALLY starting to lift....yesterday was the first day that I say a slight sunbeam of my own mental health.

What's my bottom line?.....I LOVE MY WIFE! So.....looks like I'm going to find out just how much!

Today?.....I'm staying in Plan A.......Today!
And it IS a day by day situation isn't it?
The six weeks since D-Day feel surreal.......just feel like a nightmare dream state.
But today....I stay in Plan A.


Jessi.....you ARE a Saint!
Me?......I'm a classic giver......couldn't get through the last 15 years of cumulative trauma that have been thrown at our Marriage without being able to GIVE to my WW and DD....BUT, it's time to care for me!
I'm 30 pounds lighter in six weeks! HECK of a weight loss program!
But....I do look good!!.....needed to lose some poundage.....but just don't like the way I did it!
Thanks AGAIN Jessi!!


I didn't think of it in that way.
My initial reaction to her not returning calls/emails is to leave a message such as "YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNORE ME AFTER 15+ YEARS OF HARD WORK!!"
But I won't.....I see your point....NO Love Busters.


This IS the hardest thing I have EVER done!
Some days....I'm good......others?.....time for a Xanax tablet!!!!


Over the last 18 months or so I have TRIED to talk to her when I noticed she was pulling away.....that was before I knew about Marriage Builders or the MB methods.....In hindsight it's apparent that she was in the FOG of the affair!
I said to her "I'm going to keep saying I LOVE YOU to you until you tell me to stop or I get tired of saying it!!"
Even in the FOG she never told me to stop!
OK.....so I'll send her a card every so often.....stop and see her parents when I'm in their area.....be a good Dad.....keep it positive.
Just reminder that the WW moved out of the home in May 2011. So a card/call/email is all I can do!
I still think she's going to crash emotionally one of these days.

Thank You All yet AGAIN!.....sometimes I feel weak and need support from you!
My best friend(who has been my life-saving friend in this debacle) says "You're just a big puppy dog!"
But I can say that I'm more emotionally honest with the person in the mirror than my WW is!

I'm curious.....what foolish emotional turmoil is she going through?

Update 8-20-2011

Seems like the Wife isn't talking to her own family much either.

Saw my In-Laws today.....they are still in favor of recovery/reconciliation and were very open about it.
My Wife hasn't visited them in a month.....just a few phone calls about how I did her wrong with exposure.

Her Mom agreed that she's probably embarrassed and shamed to show her face much.
Looks like she's staying close to those who tell her what she wants to hear.
She still ignores my text messages.

Bill,

I haven't posted to you yet, but I have read your thread.

My husband once left me for another woman. He said that he didn't love me, never did love me, and never would love me. Then, he walked out the door, just like that. I was in shock.

We had some minor contact in the three months he was gone. Back in those days, there were no cellphones or computers. He called to schedule to pick up our then 2 or 3 year old daughter.

Other than that, it was pretty much dead air between us. He was gone, and from what I knew, it was his full intent to divorce me. He told me he would be filing.

So when he called me to meet him for something very important one morning, I assumed it would be to receive the paperwork for the divorce.

I was wrong. He wanted to come home.


I cannot say it was all so simple immediately following his return, but we managed to pick up the pieces and put our marriage back on track.


The fact that she is not talking to anyone doesn't mean one thing or another. She could just be licking her wounds.


Schoolbus

Hehehehe

Admiration is like catnip to waywards - they cant do without it!!

Sooooooo predictable.

Patience, Keep doing what you are doing......keep the warm ashes burning for her, she will come to her senses sooner or later......
It might take a few weeks for her to figure out the grass is not greener on the other side that it is just GRASS.
jessi

what foolish emotional turmoil is she going through?

I'm having a bit of trouble deciphering your question, BC.

If you are referring to the "foolish emotional turmoil" that caused her to go outside your marriage for her needs, well.....THAT is the $100,000 question that all BSs struggle with. Some never really get the full answer. Oh they might figure out what ENs were sourced from the AP, but WHAT factors drove the WS to that action........?

If, instead, you're musing about the "foolish emotional turmoil" that she's experiencing as a result of her infidelity, THAT is recreatable for the most part if you have a good enough imagination. Put yourself in her current position as an estranged WS, who as far as is known, is not currently being satisfied by the recent AP. That font of ENs being cut off, and her pouty self-enforced separation from BS ending the ENs from there, how awful must her mental/emotional universe be? She's as spouselessly alone as you are, BUT SHE KNOWS SHE DID IT TO HERSELF. And her family is in your corner. She must, appearances aside (WSs lie, even about their mental well-being), feel like....dung.

There are WSs who withstand their own misery, and decline to rejoin the marriage (Stretch123's being a prime example). It may be that there needs to be an underlying neuropathy or emotional flaw. But the end result is that the WS must come back to a possible recovery, not be dragged back. Her stubborness in denying the BS the satisfaction of a recovery, if it outweighs the misery she is causing herself, will prevent the reunion.

I'd like to believe "BUT SHE KNOWS SHE DID IT TO HERSELF. She must....feel like....dung."
That wouldn't break my heart one bit!
After the pain I've been through......I'd like to think she's losing even HALF the sleep I have lost!!!
I'm finally realizing that there's NO dragging her back!.....or even helping her open her eyes!
Her "Best friends" just tell her what she wants to hear.
But.....I would like to know what she thinks when she looks in the mirror!

Patience is NOT one of my virtues.....but it looks like it's a skill I'm going to have to LEARN!
Today is NOT my best day.......ugh!
As if the stroke patient of last week wasn't enough I just found out over the weekend that close patient friend died last week. Lost the fight with her cancer.
The Family kept the funeral to just them.
The "human life" aspect of what I do for a living is kicking my butt!!
No.....not my best day.

Neverguessed asked "Now you tell us where you are mentally and emotionally. How much do you have left in your tank? How strongly does the light of the image of a renewed life with your WW burn through the smoke and dust of the destruction in which you find yourself standing? Can you hear the music of a better marriage over the cacaphony of WW's current assinine braying?"

It IS a day by day personal assessment isn't it?
But I can't do it by myself.
Pursuing her isn't viable......do I just send a card occasionally?......a reminder?....."I'm still here!"???
Or....leave her to stew in her own juices for awhile?
In this state I don't even trust my own emotional judgment anymore.
TOUGHEST TIME OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!
ugh

Well, since you went back to one of my posts, let me do the same, for my own purposes:

Now you tell us where you are mentally and emotionally. How much do you have left in your tank? How strongly does the light of the image of a renewed life with your WW burn through the smoke and dust of the destruction in which you find yourself standing? Can you hear the music of a better marriage over the cacaphony of WW's current assinine braying?

The answer to those questions then provides guidance for your immediate actions. If tomorrow's "hope" is greater than today's "reality" you wake up another day and stay in a Plan A.

You have never completely answered those key questions, Bill. You did so tangentially on 18 August by noting that you would be staying in Plan A for that day. How about today?

Don't get me wrong - I'm not here to act as a facilitator of marriage dissolutions. At some point, however, the thrust of the program here is to preserve some level of humanity in a BS being treated with great brutality by an out-of-control WS.

Plan B recognizes the almost-certainty of a subsequent Plan D, and allows the BS the time, and uninvolved-with-WS "space" to prepare for it. And a widely separated Plan A with declined contact by the WS is virtually a Plan B, anyway, without the protection offerred to the BS.

Patience is NOT one of my virtues

Bill, you do not give yourself enough credit here. I think you've shown remarkable patience, and forebearence. You have absorbed much more abuse than many other folks on this site (myself included) would have endured. Her decision to cease communications with you has effectively initiated a Plan B from her end.

Bill, just to let you know that you are not alone, we are all here for you! Your WW may not be joining you in trying to save your marriage right now, but WE are. But I would be a hypocrite not to admit to having just the same thoughts that you are, it can be hard to stay positive on the



Not sure if you have told your employer or colleagues what is going on for you... I told my boss and he has been fantastic in allocating me a bit more admin tasks rather then front line. Even if this is not possible in your case, colleagues and employer may be a bit more understanding if they are aware of what you are going through. Is there any IC available through your role?

And patience is not one of my best virtues either, I think this is a difficult one for all BS's who want that magic wand, the magic bullet, the quick fix. But may I remind you that a certain poster once told me... Patience, with integrity and class... your mantra Bill! And go easy on yourself, you are right, this is the toughest time of our lives.

TODAY?....I Love My Wife.....I'm still in Plan A. I'm IN!
Just having a low emotional day.
You're a "tough Love" person aren't you?


I accept that....reluctantly.
In addition to her "asinine braying" she has REGRESSED in maturity....is this common?
The Wife has gone over the to the deep end and is going deeper!
So.....what do I do?
Acknowledge that?!
Or.......continue to leave/send messages?