Ok, so what I didn't post earlier was that when H came home on Friday night, he told me he didn't want me to feel like work is more important to him. So he decided not to go on the boat trip.

So, I got what I wanted (or what I thought I wanted), which was my H not going on boat trip. Yay! However, then I got to thinking, it wasn't the boat trip itself that was making me feel bad...it was that he was putting work ahead of me. Now that he wasn't puting work ahead of me, the boat trip didn't bother me as much.

So, then I said to myself, what exactly is it that bothers me about the boat trip? I thought about it and decided it's just that I don't want him drinking and talking to women. That's all. I have no problem with him hanging out with men and talking about sports and stuff. I actually want him to have friends. So, then I actually became unhappy about him NOT going on the boat trip.

The solution was for him to go and just use a VAR, so I know he's not drinking or talking to women. That way we are both happy.

I don't know, HBD, I've got bad feelings about this.

Are you each others FAVORITE recreational companions?

Yes. We have a great time together. Have SF almost daily. Snuggle every night. Show each other a lot of affection, etc...

Also, H said he wanted me to go along on boat trip. I said I didn't want to go because I would be the only spouse there and would feel uncomfortable.

Now you are getting me nervous. What is giving you a bad feeling? Do you think he would try to meet OW or something? Cause I have my eye on both of them and would know if that happened.

I also didn't mention earlier, that we completed the EN questionaire and LB questionaire last week (we fill out the forms every few months to make sure we are on track for meeting needs - like a report card) There were a few LBs that I didn't do well on, but H said that I met all of his ENs. He put extremely satisfied for every one. I also gave him a good report.

Anyway, my point is that we are getting on great and this boat trip has been our only issue since the threesome.

What about Recreational Companionship?

What worries me is the concentration on having friends right now instead of being together and working on your marriage.

Your marriage just very recently took some hard blows.

Dr. Harley says there is no problem with independent recreational activities when:

* You and your spouse are following the Policy of Undivided Attention (POUA)
* The activity is not spent with members of opposite sex
* You are each others' favorite recreational companion
* The activity meets with enthusiastic agreement

When you can engage in the activity, but find yourself missing your spouse's company, THAT'S when you're ready for individual recreation. Is that where the two of you are?

Go!

So what if you're the only spouse? I've gone to plenty of events with my husband's set team and been the only spouse to go. His team members are amazed when I show up mid week that I care enough about my husband to come to his companies events, even though I usually end up driving because they're mid week and held wherever the team is that week. His coworkers think we have an amazing marriage (I think we do to).

And, my DH comes to my company events, sometimes as the only spouse, and he's made a few guy friends out of some of my male coworkers and it's been good for us.

A lot of things give me a bad feeling about this

1. You very recently were reluctant about him going. You may have changed your mind, but the fact remains that you were at one point reluctant.
2. He threw a fit about that.
3. I don't believe you need to be having recreation separately right now. The danger is in setting up a situation where he compares the fun he has with his friends to the fun he has with you.

I know I should go and H wants me to go. He said he could probably get the ok from his boss because his boss now knows about the A and how I feel about H going out without me.

It's just that the email invitation (which H forwarded to me) specifically says "Team Members only" and I know that other employees would want to bring their spouses too because there will be free food and beverages. I would just feel SO uncomfortable and embarassed. I would so much rather just have H use the VAR. It's just like me being there without the embarassment.

It just really concerns me that he is going off for this during such a fragile stage of recovery. I think he needs to be taking better care of you by putting some things like this on hold, or by bringing you along. If his most fun times are not with you, it will cause a real danger for your marriage. Recreational Companionship is typically one of the most important needs for a husband, and as such, I think you should be more concerned about building the friendship between the two of you (which is on extremely thin ice) than getting him friends at work.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5069_qa.html

I know you said that you are each other's favorite recreational companions at the moment, but it just seems like maybe there should be more of a track record of this. You guys may be in what is called "hysterical bonding" (do a search and read about it on the forum), which is great, but you need to start setting up the habits now to sustain your marriage for the long term.

Ok, I'm going to think this through a little more. Thanks.

Oh my god, go girl!

What a detail to leave out! Here was me thinking he was desperate to get away from you for a stupid boat ride.

I get why you would be embarassed, but you need to get over it. I think you are envisaging whispers and sniggers, but that prob isnt whats going to happen at all. You would prob find the reaction is more like the one to HNC and people think its great the effort you put in.

Also you say you want to know more about the people he works with. I just think you'll do a better job, if you go as you will understand more about his co-workers and life. Theres a lot that can be missed on a VAR, body language etc.

Maybe if it goes well the boss will want everyone's spouse there - you could be a pioneer!

Hi, I'm David ...as in the Hurt By David, David (hbd's husband). I really want my wife to go with me on the boat trip. I really don't like spending more time with my co workers then I need to and I really miss my wife when I don't get to spend time with her. Especially at the end of the week when that's the whole motivation to get through the work week. As a manager in my company it's strongly encouraged for me to participate in theses team events. That's a big reason why I wanted to tell my boss of my past so he would either understand why I wouldn't participate in theses events or why it was so important to be able to bring my wife along. I can understand why my wife doesn't want to go, I work with whiny people and they will complain. Although I don't care. My peers and manager get it, only the ones that report to me and other managers are like that.

Well, this is a no brainer unless not POJA. You go together. Where is the POJA hiccup?

HBD, why on earth would you want a VAR versus being with your husband?

I have been on hundreds of company trips with spouses that also attend...nothing odd about it. Pretty normal.

Kudos to you 22, to tell your boss. Just do that.

Huh?

What's to think through?

Hi 2time, welcome.

The Policy of Joint Agreement achieves two important objectives in marriage. First, it helps eliminate behavior that benefits one spouse at the expense of the other, and second, it helps create substitute behavior that benefits both spouses

You say here 2time in the first part that you want her with you (which is awesome). You also spell out some career benefits for you, but are you willing to give up the trip if she really doenst want to go?

I think there are some benefits for her in going and I have spelled those out for her. However if she feels at all apprehensive she needs to feel your support.

She is a bit anxious at the moment about making you resent her, and shouldnt be.

Hello David Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Please feel free to start a thread of your own. We discourage husbands and wives from posting on each others threads.

Glad to see you here.