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Well, and I just made my own DJ's didn't I?  See how that works? POJA without any DJ's takes practice! I'm trying, too! See how it works?
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H is starting his own thread. Thanks
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Huh?
What's to think through? I'll just be uncomfortable. I'm picturing people giving me dirty looks and being unfriendly. I'd much rather just have h take a var.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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Huh?
What's to think through? I'll just be uncomfortable. I'm picturing people giving me dirty looks and being unfriendly. I'd much rather just have h take a var. I'm more enthusiastic about him going with a var than I am about going along. Just being honest.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 835
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And, how long is that going to last? Look...I was just going to site examples...deleted. I'd much rather a lot of things. You need to put your big girl pants on and get there with your head held high. Be nice, be charming, and if you're anything like my couple-friend...address head on. They are slightly crazy, though. Not ready for that? OK. Go and be nice. You can't run, dollface. Dirty looks are very highschool...adults will test and test you, and eventually respect you both. You've gotta weather that storm if want to and then you'll earn it. And, you can. It'll take years. Got that?
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Huh again?
What grade are we in? C'mon. Unfriendly? Try being honest and see how friendly people are...no "dirty looks" toward a person who says "I f--ked up". Unless that is a lie, and people can smell a liar.
Be honest. Be nice. And, have no fear. Get your butt to this event.
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I'd rather lose 10 pounds by eating alfredo pasta versus working out, too. Would be much less uncomfortable.
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EPs prevent unnecessary discussions over boundaries every time the situation occurs. Once you have "no outings alone" in the EPs list, there wouldn't be any discussion about whether he should go alone, with VAR, without it or what you should do about it all together. There would only be 2 options - you go together or not at all. Him going alone would not be an option at all.
You have to start from somewhere - you cannot continue living as if there were no affairs, no other meltdowns in your life.
Me, FWW: 43
Mr_Recon6mo, FWH: 44
DD20 and DS23
3 cats
Married 23 years, together 24
Divorcing
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this has come up alot between us,,,, and is a poja constantly next month we have 4 of them. but on friday my H had an outing, i flipped back and for like you- and i know his collegues.
h sent a car service i drove 2 hours and went to the outing, i looked great and yes the other were jealous that their wives werent there.
his boss said to me are "you" behaving ( as a joke) i said of course then he said i guess i should as if h is.... ok a bit uncomfortable-
we took a hotel room and came home.
its part of the EP's.
yes i was annoyed that i had to change my life but that the way it is now.
go on the stupid boat trip, catch alot of fish and look like you are loving it. otherwise you will be pissed at him when he is home and pissed at yourself for not going.
Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan
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What about Recreational Companionship?
What worries me is the concentration on having friends right now instead of being together and working on your marriage.
Your marriage just very recently took some hard blows.
Dr. Harley says there is no problem with independent recreational activities when:
* You and your spouse are following the Policy of Undivided Attention (POUA)
* The activity is not spent with members of opposite sex
* You are each others' favorite recreational companion
* The activity meets with enthusiastic agreement
When you can engage in the activity, but find yourself missing your spouse's company, THAT'S when you're ready for individual recreation. Is that where the two of you are? I don't think I answered this one yesterday. We are each other's favorite recreational companions. We have been doing about 15 to 25 hours of UA time a week (depending on work schedules). About 50% of that time is spent on SF. The rest of the time is split between conversation, playing games, or cuddling while watching TV/movies. We also try to go out on a date once a month. Usually dinner and a movie or some sort of event (concert, party, casino, etc.). I'm definitely at the point where I miss H's company when I go out without him. H says that too.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
And, how long is that going to last? Look...I was just going to site examples...deleted. I'd much rather a lot of things. You need to put your big girl pants on and get there with your head held high. Be nice, be charming, and if you're anything like my couple-friend...address head on. They are slightly crazy, though. Not ready for that? OK. Go and be nice. You can't run, dollface. Dirty looks are very highschool...adults will test and test you, and eventually respect you both. You've gotta weather that storm if want to and then you'll earn it. And, you can. It'll take years. Got that? It's not POJA if I'm not enthusiastic though. I have to be honest about this or I will be resentul if I go and have an aweful time.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
EPs prevent unnecessary discussions over boundaries every time the situation occurs. Once you have "no outings alone" in the EPs list, there wouldn't be any discussion about whether he should go alone, with VAR, without it or what you should do about it all together. There would only be 2 options - you go together or not at all. Him going alone would not be an option at all.
You have to start from somewhere - you cannot continue living as if there were no affairs, no other meltdowns in your life. I think "no outings with the opposite sex" is sufficient. I like the list of requirements from Dr. H (provided earlier by Prisca) for seperate outings. It appears that Dr. H thinks outings alone are ok if his list of requirements are met. I think we meet those requirements. We just need to do a better job of POJAing. Obvioiusly, we have issues with POJA...evidenced by the title of my thread. We will definitely work on POJA...probably for the rest of our lives.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
this has come up alot between us,,,, and is a poja constantly next month we have 4 of them. but on friday my H had an outing, i flipped back and for like you- and i know his collegues.
h sent a car service i drove 2 hours and went to the outing, i looked great and yes the other were jealous that their wives werent there.
his boss said to me are "you" behaving ( as a joke) i said of course then he said i guess i should as if h is.... ok a bit uncomfortable-
we took a hotel room and came home.
its part of the EP's.
yes i was annoyed that i had to change my life but that the way it is now.
go on the stupid boat trip, catch alot of fish and look like you are loving it. otherwise you will be pissed at him when he is home and pissed at yourself for not going. Thanks Chicadee. Ok, lets say I go and have an aweful time. Hating every minute because H's colleagues give me a hard time. Won't I then be resentful? That's not POJA either. I've basically come to the conclusion that there is no way to POJA this type of situation. Either I'm going to be unhappy that I have to go along or H is going to be unhappy he can't go. So frustrating.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Posts: 12,357
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Thanks Chicadee. Ok, lets say I go and have an aweful time. Hating every minute because H's colleagues give me a hard time. Won't I then be resentful? That's not POJA either.
I've basically come to the conclusion that there is no way to POJA this type of situation. Either I'm going to be unhappy that I have to go along or H is going to be unhappy he can't go. So frustrating. Is there a way that you can adjust your mindset about this outing? There are business functions that I attend with my H when I'd prefer not to go. Actually, sometimes I'd prefer bamboo shoots under my nails rather than having to go!  I can work up enthusiasm for the event by thinking: It's one evening. I'm going to attend with H and really support him because I'm so proud of him. I'm going to pick one person I don't know very well and make sure they have a positive impression of me as the woman who is married to their colleague. We can POJA to attend this event and then go to your favorite lunch spot, recreational place, wherever - fill in the blank next weekend. I'm going to go to this event and practice my skills in gracefulness under adversity. You get the picture - can you adjust the way you're looking at this event? I get the impression that you've decided you're going to be miserable and that's that.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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yes i was annoyed that i had to change my life but that the way it is now. It's just not fair that we have to change so much when they are the ones that lied and cheated. I'm feeling the resentment build and this is what I was afraid of happening. I'm not even at the event yet.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
Thanks Chicadee. Ok, lets say I go and have an aweful time. Hating every minute because H's colleagues give me a hard time. Won't I then be resentful? That's not POJA either.
I've basically come to the conclusion that there is no way to POJA this type of situation. Either I'm going to be unhappy that I have to go along or H is going to be unhappy he can't go. So frustrating. Is there a way that you can adjust your mindset about this outing? There are business functions that I attend with my H when I'd prefer not to go. Actually, sometimes I'd prefer bamboo shoots under my nails rather than having to go! I can work up enthusiasm for the event by thinking: It's one evening. I'm going to attend with H and really support him because I'm so proud of him. I'm going to pick one person I don't know very well and make sure they have a positive impression of me as the woman who is married to their colleague. We can POJA to attend this event and then go to your favorite lunch spot, recreational place, wherever - fill in the blank next weekend. I'm going to go to this event and practice my skills in gracefulness under adversity. You get the picture - can you adjust the way you're looking at this event? I get the impression that you've decided you're going to be miserable and that's that. I would definitely go and have fun if it didn't specifically say on the invite "team members only." In fact, I've already gone to some events with H and had a great time. It's just that I wasn't invited to this particular event and H works with a bunch of whiny babies that will cry and complain about it. Seriously, they will.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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yes i was annoyed that i had to change my life but that the way it is now. It's just not fair that we have to change so much when they are the ones that lied and cheated. I'm feeling the resentment build and this is what I was afraid of happening. I'm not even at the event yet. h, Some of these changes are simply a way of life. Not spending the night apart, for example, is a good way for anyone to live a marriage. It's not a consequence of cheating, it's just a good boundary to have.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It's just not fair that we have to change so much when they are the ones that lied and cheated. I'm feeling the resentment build and this is what I was afraid of happening. I'm not even at the event yet. Careful. The changes you are making to your marriage are a GOOD thing, even if nobody had cheated.
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I think I'm just going to have H not go. He says he's ok with not going (not particularly happy, but he's ok with it). Plus, it's a message to H's boss that if events are going to be for "team members only," then David won't be there.
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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It's just that I wasn't invited to this particular event You've been invited by your husband.
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