Looks like they're going to have to consider revising that policy, since it doesn't work for their married 'team members'.

Let the whiny babies whine. If your H wants to be there with you, that's all you need to know. If a superior of his says anything to your H, he can tell them that the two of you have a standing agreement concerning attending events together. Unless he's on Obama's secret staff, and they'll be planning the next take-down of a world despot, there's nothing work-related that will be happening that should require your exclusion. This is a boat ride.

Prisca and Markos - Thanks for the reminder. I have to remember that our marriage is getting better as a result of these changes. These are things we should have been doing anyway.

Did you read Markos' post, where he mentioned hysterical bonding? Did you read Dr. Harley's article that he linked to?

HBD, I think it's just too soon for the two of you to be going to separate recreational events. Your marriage took a severe blow very recently. It is fragile. I think you need to be concentrating on recovery and not on having friends and doing things with friends.

I believe when this subject first came up, I said either you both go, or neither of you goes. I still stand by that. You need to be together for recreational events.

Read about the 2 types of resentment, again.

I know. It's so ridiculous that we have to make such a big deal about such a small thing.

Yes. I think we are just ending the histerical bonding phase, actually. It lasted from about February through a few weeks ago. We are now in more of a rebuilding phase (at least I am). So, I agree, that this is not a good time to spend time apart. I did read the thread and I get it.

That being said, unlike the woman that doesn't like her H going to fantasy football, I do support my H going to that event (hear me out). For example, My H has a fantasy football draft in two weeks. He does this every year. It's three hours, all guys at an old co-workers house, and he won't be drinking. He comes right home after because he has to work early the next morning. We did POJA this event weeks ago. I'm enthusiastic about him going. We usually talk about his team afterwards and I follow his games every week too. We are originally from Wisconsin (he's from Green Bay) and he tries to get Packer players on his team. It's fun for me too.

Anyway, my point is that I'm totally fine with this type of event because there won't be any drinking or women and I am supportive of the outcome because it's fun for both of us to follow the team he drafts. On the other hand, I am not ok with the boat trip because there are women there. I just need to draw a line saying no outings when women will be present. No negotiating.

Right. So the best choice is for H not to go on boat trip.

hbd, FWIW, I used to work for a company that would have outings where the spouses were excluded. We did things like go to sporting events and trips to the city for dinner etc etc. No one was looked down upon for not going due to family responsibilities.

I can also tell you that things got very raunchy without the wives around.

I agree, and I'd take special delight in showing up to make them whine and talking in a classy way that made them realize how rude they were being.

Go on a mind-blowing date instead.

Ok, here are the options I just gave my H and I'm leaving it up to him to decide.

1. I can go along and try to put on a happy face
2. We don't go at all and we have a nice evening at home...have some wine, go in jacuzzi, light some candles, I give him a massage, etc.

I hope he picks the jacuzzi.

Yeah, but look how you worded this, hbd. Number 1 is heavy with sacrifice on your part. I can hear the implication behind this: "I don't want to go and it's going to be a huge pain in my neck, but...sigh...I guess I'll go if that's what you really want..."

And then you're obviously selling him on Number 2. Geez, I think it's pretty obvious which choice you want him to he'd better pick.

I don't mean to criticize, but could you have worded these choices differently?

"Sweetie, here are our options. We could take the company boat trip, or we could stay at home and have a date night in the jacuzzi. What do you think?" Continue to POJA from there.

I get it, don't get me wrong: you don't want to go on the boat trip, and you don't want him to go, either. But that's not an enthusiastic decision you've both made. YOU'RE making it, and I fear that will lead to resentment on your H's part.

sorry you are having to go thru all of this.

i know i hate it also. I am going to print the last few pages for my h to read beacuse we have the samething coming up again, and it will be an issue for us forever. thats when he carried on, so no events alone.

but i may be reliving your thread on mine in a few weeks/days.

i hope all of the whiny employees get a choppy night and get sick, ooohh was that bad... as long as you arent on the boat. an outbreak of seasickness would give them thought to having the boat ride at all.

Yes, but if he makes the right choice, I will make it worth his while...if you know what I mean.

Oh, that's another thing. I get seasick. The last time I was on a small boat, I had nausea and vertigo for a whole day.

Granted it was a small boat in choppy water, but it could happen on a larger boat if it's windy.

I know it's fun to diss the whiny employees and hbd's husband doesn't like them but...

No one likes to see a co-worker get special treatment. It's not really their problem that hbd's H committed adultery and it doesn't make it ok for the company to permit his spouse to attend while their own cannot. In a perverse way it looks like the H is being given special consideration for being a sleaze.

I also find it interesting that so many are encouraging hbd to attend. She doesn't appear enthusiastic about it, so really shouldn't that be the end of the story?

It is always okay for spouses to attend company functions. Even when the company says no. Regardless of past infidelity or not.

But it's not simply a matter of hbd not wanting to go. She doesn't want her H to go, either. There is a POJA issue here.

Side note: Any company that creates socializing opportunities that exclude spouses is setting themselves up on a slippery slope toward possible future sexual harrassment issues. These non-spouse get-togethers stink all the way around.

Which is why I think we should just not go. I am leaving the final choice up to H, but I think he should make a stand and say, "If you are going to plan non-spouse events, I simply won't be there."