Thanks.....Dr. Harley is right about that "coaster".....isn't he?


I've been VERY up front with them.....they ARE a second family after all.
I've cried in their arms.....soaked up the support and hugs!
And Management has been quite accommodating. It's just a strange couple of events with patients lately. God DOES work in mysterious ways!


Correct....toughest time.....NO DOUBT!!
Thank you!!

The Wife has gone over the to the deep end and is going deeper!
...do I...Acknowledge that?!
Or.......continue to leave/send messages?

What makes YOU feel better?

If the continued attempts at contact give you a sense of.....participation.....that is stronger than the emptiness of the non-returned answer, then continue.

You're a "tough Love" person aren't you?

Someday, I'll relate the story of my initial meetings with EACH of my daughters' dates through their high school lives. That story makes the NeverGuessed of today look like a bleeding-heart weenie!

An occasional note to her......that makes me feel better......but my "hurt side" says that's more than she deserves. I battle with myself sometimes.

PS: It's Wednesday, August 24th......I'm STILL in Plan A!!!


I ran a High School boyfriend off with a firearm once......(SMILE BIG TIME!!!!)

After he FAILED a LONG series of questions......I went to the gun safe.....returned to the living room with a vintage pump action shotgun (one of the first pumps invented)........I asked him "Son, have you EVER seen one of these before?"

He IMMEDIATELY left our house!!!!

He wouldn't even look at me at my Daughters school events from that day forward!
He would see me and do an immediate ABOUT FACE!!!

"DAD".....it's a serious job!!

All righty then, since we seem to be on the same page.....

We raised two beautiful daughters separated by one year in school. I determined early on that one of my chief tasks was to deliver them to college, as virgins. (After that, I knew I had little control.) I'd seen enough colleagues struggle with unwanted pregnancies from their children so that that was NOT going to happen in my family.

With every New BoyFriend, the procedure was the same, the friendly interview in the family room with Dad. In rough terms, it went something like this

Dad: Hi, Billy, I understand you're planning on escorting my daughter to a dance tonight.

NBF: Yes Mr. NG, that's correct.

Dad: Okay, Billy, I need to get some information from you.

NBF: Sure, Mr. NG! What is it?

Dad: Well, Billy, you're not going to try to bone my daughter tonight or anytime in the near future, are you?

(Long pause)

NBF: Gosh NO, Mr, NG, that's nothing that I'd.....

Dad: Well, that's great Billy! Because if you WERE to do so, I'd find you, I'd hunt you down wherever you tried to hide, and I'd slit your throat, laughing as you bled to death! But we don't have a problem now, do we Billy? Because boning my daughter is not something that's going to happen accidentally, right? I mean, you'd have to consciously decide that those two minutes of sexual pleasure would be worth knowing that the last thing on Earth you'd see would be my foot stepping on your face as the knife found your jugular, AND carotid! And seriously, Billy, how much fun would those two minutes be, knowing what was to follow?

NBF: I....uhh.....what.....uhhh......

Dad: But WE don't have a problem, do we, Billy? You've already promised from now on to deliver my daughter back home in the same shape she left here in, right? So as long as you keep your word, you and I will be great friends, right? Now, how about a Coke?

PS: Mission accomplished!

PPS: Their younger brother got no easier treatment.

Teen pregnancy was common in my Wife's Family.....so,when I married my Wife......I was fully prepared to get our DD educated and personally secure BEFORE she got pregnant!!

And that is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!!!

She's 14 months out of Nursing school, gainfully employed and still single!

I AM a very proud Dad!!!

You and I are on the SAME EXACT FREQUENCY!!!!

I am so jealous, you sound like such a good dad.

Thanks....I did my best.....and my DD has been so affected by what's going on between my WW and I.
My DD won't talk about what her Mom is putting into her head....and I'm not going to push my DD to talk because I know she feels caught in the middle already.
My Daughter is the best!!!

OK Veterans......I have a question.

For 11 years the WW and I have been very active participants in a sporting activity in the Carolinas and have also competed in major events across the country.

We were a "Well known couple" in this sport and were also known as Ambassadors for the sport across the Nation.

In my exposure plan I exposed her A to our friends in this sport. And word traveled FAST!
Since the exposure (7 weeks ago) she has not attended an event because during her last tirade she said "YOU RUINED MY SPORTING CAREER! I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GO TO AN EVENT AGAIN BECAUSE I WON'T KNOW WHO IS LOOKING AT ME OR WHY!"

Well.....OK (I know....I know....the proper response to that woulda been "Would you like a potato chip?")

I guess I'm asking....How powerful is shame and embarrassment in these exposures?
I have to ask because this is my first exposure!

Is it different for a woman (WW) compared to a man (WH)?

This sport is means a lot to both of us!!
If the shame and embarrassment keeps her from this sport .....that's a LOT of shame and embarrassment!!!

I think that the S&E is what has gotten her so mad at me that she won't even communicate to me.

As my head clears.....the questions pop up.

THE ALIEN SPEAKS:

JUST GOT THIS TEXT MESSAGE SECONDS AGO (11:30 pm 8-25-11) from my WW Wife who has not returned calls/texts/messages for about 2 weeks, since she felt the full effect of the exposure:

"Stop sending me cards! You have accomplished your goal of exposing my faults to everyone. I'm picking up the pieces and moving forward. I was wrong. But your actions don't make it right either. Leave my family alone, they are growing tired of your constant attempts to pull them into the middle. I'm done!"

What message do I return to her?

Yep....I send cards to her pledging loyalty and Love!!

I keep in touch with her Family. And tell them that I Love their Daughter!

What is she saying in this "WW babble"?

What do I do next?

I guess I'm asking....How powerful is shame and embarrassment in these exposures?

It varies with the importance that the exposed places on the opinion(s) of those to whom the exposure was made. Obviously, in your case, this sporting activity (her ability/ accomplishments/renown) provided a great deal of "self" to your WW. Evidently as well, the other participants (competitors, colleagues) in the main have (or at least your WW believes they have) a sense of proper behavior that causes them to find distasteful the actions of a WW in their midst. Oh, well, sux to be her.......

Male vs female impact? Well, based on the continued existence of a vestigial "boys will be boys" mindset, I would opine that male colleagues would be less judgmental of a wayward member, and the member in question would therefore not feel that he would be "shunned" for his waywardness in that company. And of course, in some male social/work/fraternal circles, it is still seen as a mark of "manliness" to go out and score a strange piece of tail (although, of course, there are limitations. See addendum below.)

It IS amusing isn't it, that the wayward does not regret straying, but very much regrets being revealed AS straying. Which leads to the question that M/L likes to pose: If this affair is so good and righteous, why does the participant resent everyone being told, permitting their joining in on the celebration?

You know, of course, that while issues such as these make absorbing mind-occupiers, there can be no gain in worrying about them. You (and hundreds before you) did what had to be done to end the affair, with the possibility of repairing the marriage, and doing so, like excising a tumor, sadly, creates collateral damage.

Addendum:
Two men are playing golf, and find themselves behind a slow-playing female twosome. One fellow says, "Wait here, I'm going to jog up and ask if we can play through." He gets halfway there, pauses, and return to his colleague. "This is embarrassing," he says. "One of those ladies is my wife and the other is my AP, and I obviously cannot approach them."

The other fellow says, "Okay, I'll go." And he gets halfway there and returns to his partner, saying, "Small world, isn't it?"

I just sent her a reply text this morning that said:

"I still Love You!"

I'm not having my best day today after that message from her last night.

What do I do now?!

Understand it will take her time to work through her anger. It has a strong hold on her now.

Consistency and time is what you need. Don't even think about her fogbabble from last night. It is just good ole anger.

I REALLY wanted to call her right after I got her text and BLAST HER with my anger......but didn't.
And I did not call her because of the guidance I got on this forum from you Veterans!
Bit I DID want to call her and vent!!!!

Okay, she's angry. You took away her "toy" - the athletic activity. That would have a limited lifetime in an adult. Eventually, such an adult would see that it was not her faults that you publicized, but her duplicitous actions.

What is going to be critical here is how deeply ingrained is her belief that "BC is not the man for me." You havre admitted that your performance as a husband was substandard. We can't know how poorly, or for how long, that existed IN HER EYES.

Net/net: You probably cannot immediately do anything positive toward your goal of reconciliation right now. HOWEVER, you can (and so must avoid) do many things negative in her eyes. Do not appear to her to be desperate/depressed/despondant in any way. Instead, stay in (positive) touch with your daughter, and her family. Sprinkle in optimistic thoughts about "when we get back together", and "when she moves home". Deviously, if you think it will get back to her, work in your plans to renew that athletic activity AS A COUPLE sometime in the future.

As an aside, WAY back long ago, you mentioned she had drifted off her hormonal medication. Do you know what the situation is in that arena today?

No idea.....but if I had to guess.....I'd say she was taking "some" of the original hormone replacement......but not getting the true hormonal assessment or replacement necessary for her prior surgical condition or her age factor.
Bottom line: She's a bad patient...and to be "hormonally whole" she would have to be monitored regularly and that would require admitting to herself that she wasn't perfect.
And admitting that to herself just isn't going to happen soon.

My Daughter is again refusing to answer calls/texts/emails from me.
I'm wondering if the WW is using her against me?
UGH!!!

Hang in there, Bill. Does she understand that your WW is in an affair?

YES, she knows.

Give her time and space. Remember, she doesn't want to choose sides. She probably feels a lot of pressure being put on her.

I would suggest that you snail mail her a card and don't call her, let her call you. Pick a "Thinking of you card" and just write that you love her, and you wanted her to know that. Keep it really short. Let her come to you.

She's hurting too. Let her heal. She'll come to you when she is ready.

I know you see her as your daughter, as you raised her from the age of 8, but I wonder if she see you as her father in the same way. I am sorry to ask this.

It might seem as if she did when the marriage was intact, but she might be re-evaluating now.