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I think she's well aware of that. She and her husband are really beginning to make progress. He's starting to impress me, and I have no doubt that if they continue down the MB path that they're following, they're gonna end up alright  (tj: this is my 700th post ... that's a lot of talking for me! okay, end tj) Thanks Prisca!!! I really appreciate your support. Congrats on reaching 700 posts!
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
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I think she's well aware of that. She and her husband are really beginning to make progress. He's starting to impress me, and I have no doubt that if they continue down the MB path that they're following, they're gonna end up alright (tj: this is my 700th post ... that's a lot of talking for me! okay, end tj) Im not a vet but have to agree as far as my experience allows me. Hbd has taken all the 2x4s on the chin, taken the advice given by the vets and is persistently working on the marriage. It seems they're doing much much better and putting whats good for the relationship first
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Aug 2011
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Oh wow well, finnally I find someone with kinda my problem here.
my husband's fantasy is the one u just did, however I never wanted this and so I told him I won't go for it, and so after lot of investigation I just ended here and reading the book his needs and her needs, now if you read it carefully it says that man are diferent than women, they think about sex more animal way, more like something that u need to have and need to be pleased they don't attach feelings like the way we do, in my brain as a woman am also worry because he told me that if I dont go for it he is ok, that he really doesn't need it, but he was just curious about it and it would be so great if i would, so in my head am always thinking that if he is gonna love me less for not doing it , or if he is going to cheat on me with someone who will.
Now the trick here is, Make your husband read the books so he can understand YOU and work out like if this was an infidelity wich techically speaking it was becuause you both brought someone else in the equation.
if u still feel bad and feel like your husband is going to ask for it again, then get professional help to fix it, sometimes there's only so much you two can do by your own, don't feel ashame to speak ur problem to a profesional, lots of ppl ends in this problem and mostly is the wife who ends feeling bad.
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Infidelity harms a marriage, adultery harms a marriage, and THIS has harmed THIS marriage. However, the reasons WHY the M is harmed are different. Affairs involve some level of dishonesty on the part of one spouse, in order to get their needs met outside of the M. Was any of that involved here? What has happened here is that in the M, one spouse has apparently had a need met by the other, at the expense of the other. I think that something a bit more than using the usual MB A-busting techniques needs to be involved here. I would start by trying to find out why her H was so enthusiastic, before AND after, about indulging in the threesome. Has he asked for any more, BTW? I think you're right about digging for the reasons beneath and putting the focus on him. He is probably the more dishonest one and I would hesitate to call him a BS. However hbd does need to examine her own boundaries and weaknesses too. I appreciate she hasnt been overtly dishonest with her h, but she was ok with getting her needs met elsewhere. She has been brutally honest with us here (and with herself) and that will allow us to help her avoid more adultery on either part. Ok I think what happened here is that she was confused on her feelings and am gonna tell you why, my husband had the same fantasy, that's right, and I hate the idea. Now this kinds of fantasies surely crosses lots of ppls mind women and man, however, when it did in my brain was because my husband wasn't affective and open and never gave me sex like I wanted i mean in the romantic way, that he would foreplay and seduce me at all, he just wanted me like a porn movie masturbate and be ready for him to stick me, so while doing sex I always fantasy on having a good romantic love with him, and sometimes i thought aobut another guy doing the things he wasn't doing, so there you go i was cheating on my husband in my head. Now there part I think she was confused and thought she liked the 3 some was because there was a lack of affection from her husband and demonstration of care from him and she thought that by doing this he would open and show her affection the way she wanted and turned to be a failure. evidently she was looking for something totaly diferent than his husband. now did she enjoy it at the moment of course like any other animal that gets stimulated, we can't forget we are animals after all, however women's brain is diferent than man and she gets to see this with regreat and confusion while her husband doesn't because he had what he was looking for while she didn't.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
I think she's well aware of that. She and her husband are really beginning to make progress. He's starting to impress me, and I have no doubt that if they continue down the MB path that they're following, they're gonna end up alright (tj: this is my 700th post ... that's a lot of talking for me! okay, end tj) Im not a vet but have to agree as far as my experience allows me. Hbd has taken all the 2x4s on the chin, taken the advice given by the vets and is persistently working on the marriage. It seems they're doing much much better and putting whats good for the relationship first Thanks for your support Indie!!
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
Member
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
Oh wow well, finnally I find someone with kinda my problem here.
my husband's fantasy is the one u just did, however I never wanted this and so I told him I won't go for it, and so after lot of investigation I just ended here and reading the book his needs and her needs, now if you read it carefully it says that man are diferent than women, they think about sex more animal way, more like something that u need to have and need to be pleased they don't attach feelings like the way we do, in my brain as a woman am also worry because he told me that if I dont go for it he is ok, that he really doesn't need it, but he was just curious about it and it would be so great if i would, so in my head am always thinking that if he is gonna love me less for not doing it , or if he is going to cheat on me with someone who will.
Now the trick here is, Make your husband read the books so he can understand YOU and work out like if this was an infidelity wich techically speaking it was becuause you both brought someone else in the equation.
if u still feel bad and feel like your husband is going to ask for it again, then get professional help to fix it, sometimes there's only so much you two can do by your own, don't feel ashame to speak ur problem to a profesional, lots of ppl ends in this problem and mostly is the wife who ends feeling bad. Hi Yaravy, Thanks for your feedback. I think my situation is a little different from yours though because I fantasized about being with two men. I have to be honest, it was a turn-on for me. I wasn't talked into doing anything I didn't want to do at the time. It was only after I went through with the 3some that I realized it only made matters worse. The guilt over committing adultery was overwhelming for me. My H and I have agreed that we will NOT be doing anything like that again!
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209
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OP
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 209 |
Read "Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the box" by The Arbinger Institute.
It can lead you to understand when you betray yourself, which leads you to betray others around you.
It would also be good for hubby.
Can help with those EPs - and explains what I am talking about.
SB Schoolbus, I looked at this book and it appears to be associated with business decisions. Am I missing something? While looking at this book, Amazon recommended "Bonds That Make Us Free - Healing Our Relationships, Coming To Ourselves," which apparently describes the same things as the book you recommended. Have you read that one?
AKA: hurtagainbydavid, hurtingstill
Me: BW/WW 36
Him: WH 37 (2time2timer)
DD x 2: 8 and 5
H's 1st affair D-day: 10/2001
H's 2nd affair D-day: 1/16/11
My threesome w/H and OM: 7/21/11
Trying to fix the mess I helped make.
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 320 |
It's a brilliant book
what applies in business also applies in relationships. It's one that helped me and I also like their website.
Give it a go, it's a short but powerful read.
Me 50
WH 52
WH in A 6 yrs in total, last 5 yrs JGF (Not!)
DD final 1.12.10
NC letter sent 3.12.10
Working at being the best I can be, the rest is up to you.
He is still a plonker, but he is my plonker!
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