Trying...you said:

"I read a really great thread about plan a from schoolbus and ark and am trying not to be reactionary.......any other helpful hints!!!"

No, no new "hints". Specific plans? Yes, and they are laid out right in front of you.

Pep said this:

"Methinks (because you even ask this question) you have been too busy trying to argue your way through this and have failed to study/really understand the MB plans."

Trying...try to not think about these silly actions and silly results from WS that take a paragraph to write, but rather the big picture goal defined by hour-by-hour activities by you and only you.

Your actions are what is focused on here.

t/j Surfer, I just wanted to mention that I think you're doing a great job! I know there was an unfortunate thread going earlier with a poster who wasn't able to incorporate Marriage Builders into her healing and is now seeing the affects of that. But please keep doing what you're doing, because you're doing great! t/j

There are days when i just lose it......
My ww is so adamate that ow is what she wants, it makes me nuts...and wildly emotional. Sitting at work with tears in eyes, trying to be the boss and a service provider..it all just sucks. Last night I was told that ow was flying in on wed to spend laybor day weekend with her. ww would pick her up from airport drop her at hotel (i assume) then come home and put children to bed, then drive the hour back to hotel.11pm+ Then be at the house at lets say 6am to get the children ready for school then disappear again....And I have to endure this on thurs, and Fri.... I dont think its fair to take the kids out of school they just started last week and will have tests....At least on friday i can go to the other house where i actually have people i can talk to. I am trying

well my actions in front of my wife were to say nothing ok, ok, ok......when she asked me how i could be ok with all this, I said I am not, I dont want this,,,,"That bitXX had to fly in on wed???? just sounds like her doesnt it" And she replied with a sheepish yeah. I told her maybe wed after school i will just take the kids to the other house. Which she pleaded with me not to do. they have tests and will miss so much....She is feeling like a poor mother right now, but not a poor wife.

Can anybody tell me if i responded wrong.....Is there anything in there that could have been less judgemental, any love busters just trying to follow mb.....

Trying,

Start to focus on you. When you are healthy you have a better stance of returning that kindness to her.

The best is to respond with complete no brainer issues.

WW: Are you okay with this?
BH: No I want to save the marriage, would you like to go to the farmers market on Thursday night with the kids and I? We are low on apples and blueberries.

WW: I am in love with this other woman why can't you accept that.
BH: I really want to save this marriage, the kids want to watch the movie Toy Story this weekend. Would you like to join us, we are going on Saturday and then a picnic in the park.

Keep it fresh and simple even though you are dying inside. Shut down your emotions to the alien. Simply smile nice, smell good, and come here to rant, vent, curse, yell, or whatever you need to do to get the pain off your chest.

Make Plan A about changing you. You cannot make any sense with her. Talking to her is like talking to a two year old. Look at her as child that cannot be reasoned with.

Try and keep everyone together under one roof. It is your best option to save the marriage.

thanks again ITL....I do neeed work to make myself healthy...some days are so easy and i smile and laugh, was telling jokes to her the other day and then she bombs me like berlin....
Thanks agains for the encouragement....

OK I really think I. Am going to get shelled for asking this...
If my wife is determined to get a d, and I can convince her that my eyes are wide open to the affair, I don't condone it, but I want to stay and wait it out for a while, would you guys consider that enabeling, or allowing more time for plan a or both.....I am just trying to stay in house w no d for a while

Complete enabling - Stick to the Plan

Plan A for as long as you can - hopefully six months, then go into Plan B. If she files for divorce then you protect yourself to the full extent of the law.

It is hard to see at the moment because you are not in your right mind. Stick to the plan, and do not deviate.

This affair will die--it is just when????

Most affairs will not last more than six months will full exposure.

Get off your AZZ and EXPOSE this wide and far. OW's work and all friends, family, facebook friends. Go FAR!!!!

My Alien won't even talk to me!! or answer email/texts.
She's mad at me......I exposed her affair to everyone.
According to my Alien WW....SHE is the injured party.


Mine acts like a 17 year old......she got her apartment in May and acts like an idiot adolescent.

Thanks itl....she was just blasting me today for saying things to her friend....who blasted her for lying to her and not telling her the truth. My brother took her to task, at his own wedding....she feels alienated, which she did herself...she still is mad and I can't help but smirk, it is empowering....she says she wants everything from our marriage except the intamacy....I told her I couldn't accept that.

I am trying to believe that this is fog babble....but part if me tells me it is ptsd from my previous affair and that I damaged her too much.
This me hoping that we are savable.

Ok this is killin me right now, and i know i should expect nothing else, but i noticed she hasn't been wearing her wedding ring the past couple of days.....
I have not taken mine off for the last 3 years except when my 9yo daughter asks to see it. it is absolutely killing me....so i tried to take mine off and it lasted half a day. I really really want her to want me and am getting depressed....I know it is not possible right now....
today she said all she wants from me is to be a good father to my kids!!!!! Think that is one of her emotional needs??
any any feedback is appreciated...even if it is with a 2x4

posting to vent again:::::
today she asked me to lunch out..... ok.....at some point she said she hasnt heard from her lawyer even though left him a couple mess. asked me if i have heard from mine told her no....
she said she hasnt deceided what to do but to let her know if i felt taken advantage of, or have changed my mind....
she is also taking much more adavan for her panic attacks/anxiety, like she is begenning to gain a conscience..but is still determined that they're soul mates. makes me sick. am trying to stay focused when i am around her but she can read me like a book, and knows the look in my eyes is distant....

So here is the kind of support I get from the inlaws.....ow is supposed to fly in today so they pick up my kids and bring dinner so ww can pick up ow at airport...
Argg

I keep telling myself, she is an alien and somewhere there is a woman who loves you

selfish venting....was my response appropriate????

So we are having a conversation last night w/o kids where she says she loves our "arrangement". Where she doesnt really have to be my wife just my roomate. Then she asks "Dont you think this is better, I do"
To which i just replied NO then walked away.
She seemed deflated at the time.

Was that an appropriate response, or should i have followed it up with "i have no desire to be your roomate only your husband"

And more venting......I think i am getting it!!!

So I go home for lunch, like i do every day. She has bought salads from wendys or somewhere for us....we are in the middle of a conversation when she says....I just have to say this again, about how angry and hurt i am from your affair.... and she gets into it again with me about how she cannot be intimate again w me and how i broke the trust in our marriage and i get agitated and the only thing i say is why am i here then......and thats when it hits me like right in the face, I AM LOSING CONTROLL. So I was reading one of pepperbands posts this morning, cause i did about 8 hours of reading in 3. and I sat and breathed for 15 seconds and let her burn out, it was amazing she wasnt done, she burned, and burned and at the end she said i know i am not doing this right and i should be ashamed of myself and that anyone looking at this from the outside would think i am wrong...but i cant help it....i am finally happy....i was trying to fake it until i made it w you and it wasnt working....and here is the big part, she apologixed for not being able to just get over it......and i looke at her and grabbed her hand and said, I LOVE YOU MORE NOW THAN I EVER HAVE. I KNOW YOU ARE NOT READY OR WILLING TO HEAR THIS BUT I KNOW THERE IS A WAY TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE BUT IT IS NOT WHAT WE HAVE BEEN DOING IN THE PAST. THERE IS A WAY TO HAPPINESS FOR US TOGETHER. WHEN THIS RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN CRASHES, AND I THINK IT WILL.....IF YOU GUYS MAKE IT 50 YRS GOOD FOR YOU, BUT WHEN IT CRASHES. PLEASE RE-EVALUATE US BECAUSE I KNOW THE WAY......

It was all said with a calm cool collected voice and i really dont know how i did it.....she tried to pick a fight and i didnt fall for it, and turned it into something good

OK I guess what I am asking is what if I am still the FWH and she is still in incredible amounts of pain from my 7 month affair 3.5 years ago...is there anything I can do to help her get past the constant pain????? Or do you think I am just believeing her fog babble???

Yeah i know i am all over the place....
I am having a really bad night.
have resorted to my 2nd best friend a bottle of white wine
dont know why i really hate white prefer red
ww is with friend for the weekend
guess i have something to associate with labor day now
just great memories...........arg

I'm with you Pal......as you my Wife won't even talk to me.
Do it right!!......stay with the MB program!!!
PS: Gin & Tonic is my choice when I need some "internal fortitude".
Today was a G&T day.

hey bill how did you put your info at the bottom of your post.....
you know your age her age and such

Today she rolls in just b4 6am and let me tell you, she is a mess......feels like she is letting her family down(she is) she actually said I miss my kids and I miss being a family....but i dont think i can be close to you again.....to which i broken record, we can there is a program that will work for us... and she says she is a broken person, to which i reply....dont worry i am here for you....so we get the kids up and to school and every friday is kids mass at school, and she wants to go.........we sit through mass and at the sign of the peace, she kisses me on the lips( which she hasnt done since about the beginning of july:) after communion she is visibly shaken and says again I am a broken person.....And i put my arm around her and say we can make it through this, dont you underestimate me.....
So i'd say it was a good morning.....I am doing my best to be her light house..