Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA

I honestly cannot believe I�m here writing this - totally surreal but here goes. D-day was one week ago. I noticed toward the end of July that my wife seemed checked-out. When I asked her about it she said she thought she was. She didn�t know what to do but something in her had changed. I told her that I loved her and that I want to do what I can to keep our family together. I suggested counseling and she said she�s think about it.

2 weeks later we had a fairly serious talk where the D word was used. I asked if she was having an affair & she said no.
Then two days later she returned home and went to take a shower & she took her phone into the shower - really weird. When she got out & went into the other room I checked her phone and there was a passcode on it - uh oh I thought - she would never put a passcode on her phone.

So I was able to login to her cell account online and that�s where I found thousands of text messages to & from her boss at work. I freaked out but stayed calm at the same time. The text messages started at the end of June when she went on a business trip with her boss and a few other co-workers. FYI - she does not travel for her job, this was just a special trip. The messages continued through July & August with an average of about 70x per day (1700+ in July). But the only information revealed was the time, date & number; no content.

Since we had already talked about counseling I made an appointment for the next day and convinced her to go. I felt that would be the best place to expose the affair.
I did & it was extremely painful. She merely blew it off as two people going through a hard time who were relying on each other. She promised to stop texting him and continued to deflect the questions. She said she thought the marriage was over and she had felt that way for quite some time - years in fact.

I left counseling stunned and confused and in a state of panic. But I was hopeful that with the right approach our marriage could be saved. I had just read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson and was following the recommendations to a �T.�

The next day I thought about how the volume of text messages seemed to be too much to match her story. I was able to recover the contents of the text messages and that�s when I saw the horrible truth. She was having a PA with someone else.
He is married and has 2 kids.

I have never felt so devastated in all my life. I called my therapist & he recommend that I confront her immediately. So I made arrangements for me & my daughter to spend the night somewhere else, dropped off my daughter and went home to deal with it.

Since this whole thing began, I have been calm & caring and when I confronted her I was calm but firm. I showed her a page from the text contents. She tore it up and said she wanted out. I said you�re free to leave then I left for the night.

That was a week ago.
Since that time I have implemented Plan A and been totally calm, reasuring & understanding. She told me last weekend (2 days later) that she does not love him and fears that I will hold this over her head forever. She says she feels like a hostage and she does not know what to do. I keep telling here she is free to leave and she says we can�t afford it. We have agreed to wait a few weeks before either of us makes a decision. Her moods swing wildly but mostly she acts as if she�s ok.

Over the weekend we had some emotional moments - we hugged, touched and kissed very briefly. She is open to me huggimg her now and we rub each other from time to time - usually in the bed.

Exposure
I called her mom who was very guarded. I told a close couple whose daughter is our daughters best friend. I went the the OM work and confronted him - very hard to do. The meeting was civil & he claims he realizes he needs to go back & work on his marriage. The OMW is next.
I have not told our daughter. She�s 8 and I really want to be careful with her.


What is so painful is that she has yet to talk about it, shows no remorse and seems to carry on like nothing happened.

Here�s where I could use some help:
1. When should we be talking about it?
2. Do I bring it up? How?
3. Are the developments of touching & hugging positive or maybe a �false� positive?
4. I feel like I have no leverage. I read the book Surviving an Affair but much of it depends on the WS to participate. She�s not in a place to do that.

Additional Background info
We tried to have another baby for 14 months and finally gave up in May due to unexplained infertility. She was devastated by this and now says she was trying to fix the marriage by having a baby. I know I could have been more supportive about the failed fertility & I have totally accepted responsibility for my actions (LB) and in-actions and expressed that my willingness to do the hard work necessary for our marriage to survive. For the 11 years we've not had high-drama & conflict but I do see the how the pattern we fell into created an environment for this to happen.

She changed the PW on her online cell account.
I have the book Surviving an Affair
I have a good counselor

Thank you in advance for any guidance. This is a wonderful resource to me.

Is she still working with the OM? If so, the affair is still on.

AM

Movemountains, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I would pick up the phone TODAY and inform the OM's wife of the affair. This should have been done FIRST, not last. Additionally, I would expose the affair to any close family and friends, TODAY, and ask them to use their influence to persuade her end her affair. Your child should be told today also - BY YOU. This affects her life very much and she should not be given false explanations about the source of tension in her family. That only teaches her to be dishonest.

The most critical step in the recovery of your marriage is that she leaves that job and agrees to never see or speak to the OM again. You should DEMAND she end all contact. She will have to quit the job. Does the OM own this business? If not, I would notify a key VP and the director of HR about the affair. They need to know what he is doing on the job so they can take steps to protect themselves legally.

It is real important that you take decisive action again the affair TODAY and not get distracted with how you bring this up. You need to first kill the affair and get her out of there.


This is all a distraction to the real problem. This is the peeling paint in the girls bathroom on the sinking Titanic. Please re-focus and take steps to aggressively kill this affair FIRST. You won't have a marriage to save if you don't.

Have they spoken to your wife? If not, I would ask them to speak to your wife to persuade her to end her affair and leave that job.

The recovery of your marriage is impossible as long as she works there.

I would also send this letter to the Director of HR and a key company VP. You can get their email addresses and send them an email or send this certified mail, ccing each person on the letter:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney � be sure and send this letter to the Director of HR, a key company VP and supervisors of the affairees, ccing them all on this letter. It is important to cc them so that no one is tempted to toss the letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Thank you for the quick responses. yes, she still works there - how much can I say? She is the counselor and he is the principal at a school - sheez.

Yes I get the whole NC thing and in total support but we have circumstances that make this complicated. We live in a very small town & getting a new job would be impossible. More than likely she would have to move and I fear she would take our child. The local media eat this stuff up - there's not much going on.
So I'm just trying to really really think this through.

I know her well enough that if I told her she would have to quit her job to save the marriage, she'd leave.

Sorry youre here, man.

You are doing very well in that you have made many appropriate moves but there are more to be done.

No Contact with an AP (affair partner) is a central tenet to Marriage Builers. If it entails leaving a job, town, state, or time zone, so be it. If it means public embarassment, so be it. If it means humiliating the WS into coming back to earth, THATS almost the point.

There's no recovery if she is seeing and speaking to him everyday.

If your concern is she'd leave with your child then get in touch with a lawyer to protect yourself.

Let his wife know immediately. Contact the superintendent of schools and let him/her know.

Otherwise, you are doing well considering all. You are chipping away at her fog.

Stay focused and strong. Listen to what everyone else here advises.

(Im a BH and I serve to offer encouragement, I let others handle technique and MB philosophy.)

She is the counselor and he is the principal at a school

So you have exposure targets with public responsibilities who rightly are "more-than-the-average" worried about bad publicity, right?

BANG - BritBrat's letter to Superintendent!
BANG - BritBrat's letter to Chairman of BOE!
BANG - BritBrat's leter to President of PTA!

ZING - Separate exposure letter to OMW

And as far as leaving if the alternative was losing her job, her continued employment will not be pleasant when the rest of the ladies in the school hear of what she's been doing with the principal.

MM, you won't have a marriage unless she does leave, so you have nothing to lose. Recovery is impossible unless she leaves. And she can't take your child without a court order, so don't worry about that. Your situation is not complicated at all if you are serious about saving your marriage. Your situation is a simple garden variety affair we see here every day. And your marriage won't survive if you continue to sweep this under the rug and ENABLE it.

You enable her affair at your expense and the expense of your child. Enablers don't make it. You are headed to divorce right now, Sir. Your ship is sinking as we speak. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. He would tell you that it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Here is what he told another man in your EXACT situation - the man had not exposed his wifes affair and she was leaving him for the OM: [that is your future!] Radio clip of Dr Harley talking to Husband who was enabling his wife's affair

Send the exposure letter to the School Superintendent, the board and notify the OM's wife TODAY. Let your wife know that if she wants to stay in the marriage, she needs to quit the job. Period.

And since you live in a small town, it would be a good idea to move.

I don't think you understand how serious the threat to your marriage is, MM. You are not going to make it unless she quits that job. There is simply no other way.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, it cannot survive her continued affair. If you want to save your marriage, you need to get serious here and kill this affair. Stop distracting yourself with finding the right words, etc.

The affair has not ended, and will not end until they stop working together. They have just gone further underground.

Can I ask why you have not informed the OMW?? I can understand being confused and misguided about the job, but I am at a loss to understand why you would not warn the OMW that she is being harmed behind her back.

She's going to leave if you continue your way.

Every time a BS comes here, they throw around reasons why they are different, why it won't work for them. And EVERY single time, it DOES work.

Your WW didn't think about the consequences to HER actions, you are doing nothing wrong by exposing. Actually, it would be what's right.

As far as telling your DD, I told my children. At the time, they were 6 and 9. You just do it in an age appropriate way. You say, "Honey, Mommy has decided to find a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend when you are married to someone else is WRONG. His name is Joe Scumbag. He is mommy's boss. Daddy is doing everything he can to keep mommy home. I love you very much, and I still love mommy too. She needs to end her affair so we can be a family again." Let her ask any questions and encourage her to talk to your WW.

And OMW needs to know, NOW.

You would probably be amazed at home many people DO know. I am CERTAIN that these two are the talk of the whole school.

You have to kill this affair, but to do so you MUST expose to OMW. That's not optional and it will do more to kill the affair than anything else you can do.

You've done a good job so far with exposure, but this part is left undone and it is HUGE.

Your wife also needs to quit or he needs to be reassigned to another job. There can never be any contact between them again.

Finally, if she brings up divorce again, make sure you make it 100% clear, in a very calm manner, that you will not make divorce either pleasant or easy and that if it comes down to it, you will fight for sole physical and legal custody in addition to child support and spousal support and you'll make her adultery a matter of public record.

Will you get it? No. But she doesn't know that. 90% of legal battles are mental and not legal. You won't get all that I mentioned, but the reality that she could lose everything is a big dose of "wake the he77 up" and "get your head out of your a$$" to a WW.

If you are like many men, you are going to drag your feet and make excuses and not want to expose because you are terrified of your WW's anger.

We have a saying around here ~ Your marriage can survive your W's anger but it won't survive an ongoing affair.

You are going to have to push past the fear and do what is necessary to bust up this affair or your M isn't going to make it.

When your W defogs she will thank you for standing up for your marriage and family. All former waywards do.

Just do it. There is no sense in putting it off, it won't get easier and the strength to do it won't just magically appear. You've got to just make the decision, make your exposure list (which has already been given to you by ML above) and start going down through the list and hit all your targets in one day.

Don't waste any more time...

It seems that many times BHs are scared that their WW would leave if exposure is done.

In retrospect, I think a lot more damage is done to the M if due to ination by the BH, the WW is allowed to continue her A and live in the M home as if everything's normal. I can't see how a WW can maintain any level of respect for her BH under those circumstances.

Go to the Superintendant of schools and inform him what his school principal is doing.
He is exploiting his position, leaving the entire school system at risk for a lawsuit.

From your wife... and from you.

When I was hired, the current principal was doing the same thing with a teacher. In fact, his wife and girlfriend were pregs at the same time.

One day, he was just... gone.

If there is any remaining doubt about the efficacy of immediate and comprehensive (colloquially called "nuclear") exposure, just read the begining of this thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986


Exposure + two days = dead affair! Does that sound like something you'd like?

Unfortunately, sometimes betrayed spouses (especially those afraid of exposure) will see the tiny progress they make with the carrot and think they do not need the stick (exposure).



I want to re-emphasize that while your W may allow you to meet some of her needs, you will just be spinning your wheels until you end this affair and get NC 100% implemented.


And in case it hasn't been stated: Do NOT mention exposure in any way, shape or form to your WW. Please do not *think* that you can use exposure as leverage with your WW.

Why haven't you told the OMW? Her family and marriage are being assaulted behind her back and you haven't told her ? Would you not have appreciated someone having the guts to pick up the phone and let you know what was going on in your life?

Telling OMW is the right thing to do. Pick up the phone and have a conversation with her. Let her see that you are a loving husband trying to get his wife back. Enlist her in this war to kill the affair.

MM,

The text messages started at the end of June when she went on a business trip with her boss and a few other co-workers. FYI - she does not travel for her job, this was just a special trip

You need to raise the issue with the school board that this was a needless trip authorized by OM for the furtherance of his affair. In short get HIM FIRED! Threaten to press a lawsuit!

You also need to expose to his kids if they are adults.

Ask around in the school, he may have more than 1 affair hidden.

God Bless
Gamma

This posom is a PREDATORY OM! He is working in a largely female workplace and in a position of power and he should be fired immediately! He is 100 percent a walking, talking, breathing legal liability to his school system.

If this man has no boundaries with women he works with (his staff), then who is to say where he draws his boundaries? I say that maybe even the female students aren't safe with this man around.

Definitely expose to the school system and to his wife. She needs to know she is being exposed to potential std's and that her husband is deliberately each day stabbing her in the back. Doesn't she deserve to know the truth too? I say you both deserved to know the truth.