Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA

I honestly cannot believe I�m here writing this - totally surreal but here goes. D-day was one week ago. I noticed toward the end of July that my wife seemed checked-out. When I asked her about it she said she thought she was. She didn�t know what to do but something in her had changed. I told her that I loved her and that I want to do what I can to keep our family together. I suggested counseling and she said she�s think about it.

2 weeks later we had a fairly serious talk where the D word was used. I asked if she was having an affair & she said no.
Then two days later she returned home and went to take a shower & she took her phone into the shower - really weird. When she got out & went into the other room I checked her phone and there was a passcode on it - uh oh I thought - she would never put a passcode on her phone.

So I was able to login to her cell account online and that�s where I found thousands of text messages to & from her boss at work. I freaked out but stayed calm at the same time. The text messages started at the end of June when she went on a business trip with her boss and a few other co-workers. FYI - she does not travel for her job, this was just a special trip. The messages continued through July & August with an average of about 70x per day (1700+ in July). But the only information revealed was the time, date & number; no content.

Since we had already talked about counseling I made an appointment for the next day and convinced her to go. I felt that would be the best place to expose the affair.
I did & it was extremely painful. She merely blew it off as two people going through a hard time who were relying on each other. She promised to stop texting him and continued to deflect the questions. She said she thought the marriage was over and she had felt that way for quite some time - years in fact.

I left counseling stunned and confused and in a state of panic. But I was hopeful that with the right approach our marriage could be saved. I had just read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson and was following the recommendations to a �T.�

The next day I thought about how the volume of text messages seemed to be too much to match her story. I was able to recover the contents of the text messages and that�s when I saw the horrible truth. She was having a PA with someone else.
He is married and has 2 kids.

I have never felt so devastated in all my life. I called my therapist & he recommend that I confront her immediately. So I made arrangements for me & my daughter to spend the night somewhere else, dropped off my daughter and went home to deal with it.

Since this whole thing began, I have been calm & caring and when I confronted her I was calm but firm. I showed her a page from the text contents. She tore it up and said she wanted out. I said you�re free to leave then I left for the night.

That was a week ago.
Since that time I have implemented Plan A and been totally calm, reasuring & understanding. She told me last weekend (2 days later) that she does not love him and fears that I will hold this over her head forever. She says she feels like a hostage and she does not know what to do. I keep telling here she is free to leave and she says we can�t afford it. We have agreed to wait a few weeks before either of us makes a decision. Her moods swing wildly but mostly she acts as if she�s ok.

Over the weekend we had some emotional moments - we hugged, touched and kissed very briefly. She is open to me huggimg her now and we rub each other from time to time - usually in the bed.

Exposure
I called her mom who was very guarded. I told a close couple whose daughter is our daughters best friend. I went the the OM work and confronted him - very hard to do. The meeting was civil & he claims he realizes he needs to go back & work on his marriage. The OMW is next.
I have not told our daughter. She�s 8 and I really want to be careful with her.


What is so painful is that she has yet to talk about it, shows no remorse and seems to carry on like nothing happened.

Here�s where I could use some help:
1. When should we be talking about it?
2. Do I bring it up? How?
3. Are the developments of touching & hugging positive or maybe a �false� positive?
4. I feel like I have no leverage. I read the book Surviving an Affair but much of it depends on the WS to participate. She�s not in a place to do that.

Additional Background info
We tried to have another baby for 14 months and finally gave up in May due to unexplained infertility. She was devastated by this and now says she was trying to fix the marriage by having a baby. I know I could have been more supportive about the failed fertility & I have totally accepted responsibility for my actions (LB) and in-actions and expressed that my willingness to do the hard work necessary for our marriage to survive. For the 11 years we've not had high-drama & conflict but I do see the how the pattern we fell into created an environment for this to happen.

She changed the PW on her online cell account.
I have the book Surviving an Affair
I have a good counselor

Thank you in advance for any guidance. This is a wonderful resource to me.

Is she still working with the OM? If so, the affair is still on.

AM

Movemountains, welcome to Marriage Builders.

I would pick up the phone TODAY and inform the OM's wife of the affair. This should have been done FIRST, not last. Additionally, I would expose the affair to any close family and friends, TODAY, and ask them to use their influence to persuade her end her affair. Your child should be told today also - BY YOU. This affects her life very much and she should not be given false explanations about the source of tension in her family. That only teaches her to be dishonest.

The most critical step in the recovery of your marriage is that she leaves that job and agrees to never see or speak to the OM again. You should DEMAND she end all contact. She will have to quit the job. Does the OM own this business? If not, I would notify a key VP and the director of HR about the affair. They need to know what he is doing on the job so they can take steps to protect themselves legally.

It is real important that you take decisive action again the affair TODAY and not get distracted with how you bring this up. You need to first kill the affair and get her out of there.


This is all a distraction to the real problem. This is the peeling paint in the girls bathroom on the sinking Titanic. Please re-focus and take steps to aggressively kill this affair FIRST. You won't have a marriage to save if you don't.

Have they spoken to your wife? If not, I would ask them to speak to your wife to persuade her to end her affair and leave that job.

The recovery of your marriage is impossible as long as she works there.

I would also send this letter to the Director of HR and a key company VP. You can get their email addresses and send them an email or send this certified mail, ccing each person on the letter:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney � be sure and send this letter to the Director of HR, a key company VP and supervisors of the affairees, ccing them all on this letter. It is important to cc them so that no one is tempted to toss the letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Thank you for the quick responses. yes, she still works there - how much can I say? She is the counselor and he is the principal at a school - sheez.

Yes I get the whole NC thing and in total support but we have circumstances that make this complicated. We live in a very small town & getting a new job would be impossible. More than likely she would have to move and I fear she would take our child. The local media eat this stuff up - there's not much going on.
So I'm just trying to really really think this through.

I know her well enough that if I told her she would have to quit her job to save the marriage, she'd leave.

Sorry youre here, man.

You are doing very well in that you have made many appropriate moves but there are more to be done.

No Contact with an AP (affair partner) is a central tenet to Marriage Builers. If it entails leaving a job, town, state, or time zone, so be it. If it means public embarassment, so be it. If it means humiliating the WS into coming back to earth, THATS almost the point.

There's no recovery if she is seeing and speaking to him everyday.

If your concern is she'd leave with your child then get in touch with a lawyer to protect yourself.

Let his wife know immediately. Contact the superintendent of schools and let him/her know.

Otherwise, you are doing well considering all. You are chipping away at her fog.

Stay focused and strong. Listen to what everyone else here advises.

(Im a BH and I serve to offer encouragement, I let others handle technique and MB philosophy.)

She is the counselor and he is the principal at a school

So you have exposure targets with public responsibilities who rightly are "more-than-the-average" worried about bad publicity, right?

BANG - BritBrat's letter to Superintendent!
BANG - BritBrat's letter to Chairman of BOE!
BANG - BritBrat's leter to President of PTA!

ZING - Separate exposure letter to OMW

And as far as leaving if the alternative was losing her job, her continued employment will not be pleasant when the rest of the ladies in the school hear of what she's been doing with the principal.

MM, you won't have a marriage unless she does leave, so you have nothing to lose. Recovery is impossible unless she leaves. And she can't take your child without a court order, so don't worry about that. Your situation is not complicated at all if you are serious about saving your marriage. Your situation is a simple garden variety affair we see here every day. And your marriage won't survive if you continue to sweep this under the rug and ENABLE it.

You enable her affair at your expense and the expense of your child. Enablers don't make it. You are headed to divorce right now, Sir. Your ship is sinking as we speak. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. He would tell you that it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. Here is what he told another man in your EXACT situation - the man had not exposed his wifes affair and she was leaving him for the OM: [that is your future!] Radio clip of Dr Harley talking to Husband who was enabling his wife's affair

Send the exposure letter to the School Superintendent, the board and notify the OM's wife TODAY. Let your wife know that if she wants to stay in the marriage, she needs to quit the job. Period.

And since you live in a small town, it would be a good idea to move.

I don't think you understand how serious the threat to your marriage is, MM. You are not going to make it unless she quits that job. There is simply no other way.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over exposure, it cannot survive her continued affair. If you want to save your marriage, you need to get serious here and kill this affair. Stop distracting yourself with finding the right words, etc.

The affair has not ended, and will not end until they stop working together. They have just gone further underground.

Can I ask why you have not informed the OMW?? I can understand being confused and misguided about the job, but I am at a loss to understand why you would not warn the OMW that she is being harmed behind her back.

She's going to leave if you continue your way.

Every time a BS comes here, they throw around reasons why they are different, why it won't work for them. And EVERY single time, it DOES work.

Your WW didn't think about the consequences to HER actions, you are doing nothing wrong by exposing. Actually, it would be what's right.

As far as telling your DD, I told my children. At the time, they were 6 and 9. You just do it in an age appropriate way. You say, "Honey, Mommy has decided to find a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend when you are married to someone else is WRONG. His name is Joe Scumbag. He is mommy's boss. Daddy is doing everything he can to keep mommy home. I love you very much, and I still love mommy too. She needs to end her affair so we can be a family again." Let her ask any questions and encourage her to talk to your WW.

And OMW needs to know, NOW.

You would probably be amazed at home many people DO know. I am CERTAIN that these two are the talk of the whole school.

You have to kill this affair, but to do so you MUST expose to OMW. That's not optional and it will do more to kill the affair than anything else you can do.

You've done a good job so far with exposure, but this part is left undone and it is HUGE.

Your wife also needs to quit or he needs to be reassigned to another job. There can never be any contact between them again.

Finally, if she brings up divorce again, make sure you make it 100% clear, in a very calm manner, that you will not make divorce either pleasant or easy and that if it comes down to it, you will fight for sole physical and legal custody in addition to child support and spousal support and you'll make her adultery a matter of public record.

Will you get it? No. But she doesn't know that. 90% of legal battles are mental and not legal. You won't get all that I mentioned, but the reality that she could lose everything is a big dose of "wake the he77 up" and "get your head out of your a$$" to a WW.

If you are like many men, you are going to drag your feet and make excuses and not want to expose because you are terrified of your WW's anger.

We have a saying around here ~ Your marriage can survive your W's anger but it won't survive an ongoing affair.

You are going to have to push past the fear and do what is necessary to bust up this affair or your M isn't going to make it.

When your W defogs she will thank you for standing up for your marriage and family. All former waywards do.

Just do it. There is no sense in putting it off, it won't get easier and the strength to do it won't just magically appear. You've got to just make the decision, make your exposure list (which has already been given to you by ML above) and start going down through the list and hit all your targets in one day.

Don't waste any more time...

It seems that many times BHs are scared that their WW would leave if exposure is done.

In retrospect, I think a lot more damage is done to the M if due to ination by the BH, the WW is allowed to continue her A and live in the M home as if everything's normal. I can't see how a WW can maintain any level of respect for her BH under those circumstances.

Go to the Superintendant of schools and inform him what his school principal is doing.
He is exploiting his position, leaving the entire school system at risk for a lawsuit.

From your wife... and from you.

When I was hired, the current principal was doing the same thing with a teacher. In fact, his wife and girlfriend were pregs at the same time.

One day, he was just... gone.

If there is any remaining doubt about the efficacy of immediate and comprehensive (colloquially called "nuclear") exposure, just read the begining of this thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538986


Exposure + two days = dead affair! Does that sound like something you'd like?

Unfortunately, sometimes betrayed spouses (especially those afraid of exposure) will see the tiny progress they make with the carrot and think they do not need the stick (exposure).



I want to re-emphasize that while your W may allow you to meet some of her needs, you will just be spinning your wheels until you end this affair and get NC 100% implemented.


And in case it hasn't been stated: Do NOT mention exposure in any way, shape or form to your WW. Please do not *think* that you can use exposure as leverage with your WW.

Why haven't you told the OMW? Her family and marriage are being assaulted behind her back and you haven't told her ? Would you not have appreciated someone having the guts to pick up the phone and let you know what was going on in your life?

Telling OMW is the right thing to do. Pick up the phone and have a conversation with her. Let her see that you are a loving husband trying to get his wife back. Enlist her in this war to kill the affair.

MM,

The text messages started at the end of June when she went on a business trip with her boss and a few other co-workers. FYI - she does not travel for her job, this was just a special trip

You need to raise the issue with the school board that this was a needless trip authorized by OM for the furtherance of his affair. In short get HIM FIRED! Threaten to press a lawsuit!

You also need to expose to his kids if they are adults.

Ask around in the school, he may have more than 1 affair hidden.

God Bless
Gamma

This posom is a PREDATORY OM! He is working in a largely female workplace and in a position of power and he should be fired immediately! He is 100 percent a walking, talking, breathing legal liability to his school system.

If this man has no boundaries with women he works with (his staff), then who is to say where he draws his boundaries? I say that maybe even the female students aren't safe with this man around.

Definitely expose to the school system and to his wife. She needs to know she is being exposed to potential std's and that her husband is deliberately each day stabbing her in the back. Doesn't she deserve to know the truth too? I say you both deserved to know the truth.

MoveMountains, if you have adequate proof of the affair, then why would you "expose" to the other man, but not expose the affair to his wife? She is perhaps the one other person in the world who most shares your interest in kiling the affair, who is in best position to monitor his behavior, and as such is potentially your best ally in kiling the affair.

"Exposing" to the OM accomplishes nothing. He already knew he was having an affair with your wife, so what was "exposed"? All that did was tip him off that you're onto him & give him more time to spin his story -- maybe he can convince his wife that you're making it all up, that your wife is out to harass him & undermine his career or some such cover story. So your burden of proof will be higher when you finally do tell her.

And as other posters have suggested, there's no morality worthy of the name, under which you can cover the affair up from the other party who's most injured by it and pass it off to yourself as the decent thing to do. What if the shoes were on the other feet and she had knowledge (but you didn't) that your wife was in an affair with her husband? If she concealed that from you, would that be OK with you, as long as you were unaware? I'm sure your answer is "No."

So given the above, you know what you need to do.

Affairs thrive in the dark of under secrecy. Most of them quickly wither & die under the light of truth.

But, you already told her she's free to leave and she didn't go. ?

Read the title you gave your thread again. Do you mean it, or did that just sound like a nifty kind of title for a thread on this site? Because it doesn't sound to me like you're interested in saving your family at all.

This A could be easily killed. Your main tool has already been stongly suggested to you: expose to the hound-dog's wife! Expose this POS to his employer! In my sitch, after my former wayward husband was exposed to his employer and to me he couldn't dump his co-worker/AP fast enough! He was thankful he was busted, can you imagine? He was thankful the OWH exposed them, MoveMountains. Because he didn't know how to end it on his own! He couldn't make no contact stick!

I think the part you really don't want to hear is that she will have to leave that job. She will. Of course, if OM's wife knows, OM may suddenly be transferred. Or may suddenly move to another area. You're totally discounting the strength of exposure to the other betrayed spouse!

You sound paralyzed by fear, MoveMountains. Lose that. It will not serve you in killing this affair, and may well be your only company after WW and OM decide to dump their spouses and be together permanently.

Thank you all for the encouragement. I did talk to the OMW today and he had told her it was a simple emotional affair with maybe too much texting and that he wants to work on the marriage. I gave her the proof and now she is beginning to see the light. Then I find a terrible email from him in her work email today.

The school district is next. God help me...

Good job, MM! Prayers for you. You are doing the right thing for your marriage, my good friend.

What did the email say? And did you save a copy in a safe place for others, ie: his wife?

p.s. be prepared for your wife to go ballistic when she finds out you exposed to the OMW. She will threaten you and say things like "I was going to give you a chance, now I'm not..." "you are vindictive..." blah, blah, blah, yip and yap...

Do not allow this to disturb you!! Just expect it and you won't be disapppointed. Just realize you are dealing with the equivalent of a falling down drunk who has just had his booze taken away. She is out of her mind and is high on the addiction of the affair.

Just tell her "I am so sorry you are upset, but I felt I should spread the news! Can I get you a drink, dear? :)"

Don't fight, don't try to reason with her and don't burst out laughing. Just leave the room and be as polite as possible. It will blow over!

Ok - Just emailed the school super
God this hurts

Mel is dead-on (yet again!) with her prescience into WW's likely reaction. Now, get yourself a mini-audio recorder, and have it ready to record EVERY interface you and she will have after exposure. It will take her no trouble to call 911 in the middle of an argument, scream "spousal abuse" to the moronic responding officers, and you'll find yourself hauled off for no reason and slapped with a restraining order, because that's all they can think to do.

Email:
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your School District�s Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

My wife WS, job title and the Principle OM are involved in an extramarital affair. Mr OM is WS�s boss and evaluator and all evidence points to this affair beginning on the School District trip to XX in June.

I have plenty of evidence to prove this including text messages, text records a recorded conversation with Mr. OM.


If you have any questions, please call me at 123-4567. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Be sure and email another 2-3 officials and put a cc on the email. If you just send it to one person, that person might be tempted to just ignore your email.

Sending it to 3-4 ppl ensures that official action is taken in response to your email and no one gives into the temptation to sweep it under the rug.

I know it hurts, MM. You are doing the right thing for your marriage.

Dude, this is not a problem, this is a perfect setup, as far as blowing up the affair is concerned! Not only will the school district likely let him go, but with dismissal-with-cause on his record, and in this economy, he may never get a job above janitor again. (And forgive me, I intend no disrespect to janitors!) The fact that they've used school resources to further their affair almost clinches it -- he is one giant, walking legal liability for the school, and the way most school systems are lawyered-up these days, chances are, they won't want any part of him. The more it's in the newspapers, the better!

When they're sneaking around carrying on their affair, inside the little fantasy snowglobe they've created, it's all romantic & cozy. But after you expose this at the workplace, he'll be an unemployed, largely unemployable bum. That sure cuts down on the unlimited-texting plans and the gifts and the hotel rooms. He won't be looking so hot to your wife then. That's when there'll be a chance to have the fog start clearing & to possibly save the marriage.

Now, there's no guarantee it'll save your marriage; but if you don't follow through on exposure & let your marriage continue to bleed & let the affair remain undead, then it's guaranteed that your marriage will die.

E-mail him again & as Mel says, make sure it's cc'd to the School solicitor or general counsel, a vice-principal, and someone on the school board. In general, we recommend multiple targets, so that no one person will be tempted to sweep it under the carpet.

Be brave, man. This has got to be hard, but it's what you've got to do to bust this up.

OK - Just CC'd 2 board members...

From my own personal story thread.....

Ahh, yes, the American, or at least, New York State, public education system � more destructive to the marriages of the employees thereof than Facebook. An insular community, with a female/male ratio of maybe 10-to-1, dominated by an �us-against-them� mentality, where growth in performance expertise is most usually achieved via the �mentor� system, and where �administration� is abjectly terrified of risking the Union�s displeasure by imposing discipline and standards of conduct � can there be a system more conducive to fostering inappropriate attachments? A teacher-friend told me that any male teacher, who doesn�t get something going on the side with one of the female teachers, has to be gay. His words, folks, not mine! But, check out the divorce and remarried-to-coworker rates at your local school system.

A year ago I raised this issue on this site and got HAMMERED by teacher BWs who took my blighted opinions of the system as attacks on them personally. The system is infidelity-friendly, and no one - NO ONE - will dare raise a voice to say so.

Except, evidently, NeverGuessed. And now, sadly, maybe MoveMountains?

Good job! Are there any other key people in your lives to whom you can expose? What about any close friends or family of your wife? The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable and possibly get through to her. You want them all to be speaking to her about her affair.

Have you been able to explain this to your daughter yet?

I would get all your exposures out of the way as soon as possible. Get this part done NOW so you get your money's worth out of ticking her off and move onto the next step. Prepare for all hell to break loose for a couple of days. Your wife will be furious and will make lots of threats. Just expect it and be as pleasant as possible.

When you speak to her, be a broken record:

1. you must end all contact with the OM for life, even if that means leaving the job [I suspect Gloveoil is correct, though, and the OM will be fired but your wife's reputation will still be ruined so you might want to point that out and suggest moving to another town]

2. I love you but I will not tolerate any continued contact with the OM

Just stick to that for the next few days and after this settles down, you need to have this discussion with her:

Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. never see or speak to the OM again FOR LIFE - send him a no contact letter

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Thank you everybody - I just emailed the OW more ammo for her to use. I really appreciate the kid thing but I'm super sensitive about it but will do the best thing.
I'm thinking of Ke$ha - "This place is gonna blooooowwwww!"
Expose to the fullest. I just hope the OM doesn't have a gun.

Should I tell my wife what I just did?

Absolutely not.

The OM had better hope you don't have a gun and he had better watch his P's and Q's, because HELL is coming his way. He has much, much more to fear than you. Good job on emailing the OMW more info!

Check this out:

Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children:

here



here

here

Nope! Let her be blindsided at work tomorrow.

Thank you everybody - everything is on the table. NO holding back, I have nothing to lose. Thanks for helping me see the light.

See, if you tell her, she will tell HIM and that will give them a chance to concoct a STORY............about YOU. You don't even want to give them a heads up.

Let them find this all out by SURPRISE. That way they have no chance to put together some story about that crazy, jealous, insane nutjob, Mr MoveMountains, who imagines that every man is out to get his wife.

You did a great job in standing up for your marriage and your daughter's family, Sir!! Just brace yourself for some serious incoming for the next 2 days and be prepared. Don't let it daunt you one bit.

It will blow over and then you will be in a better position to save your marriage. We will be here to support you.

Not only do you not tell her but prepare yourself to hear the most vile threats when she does find out via other people.
You will not believe the evil and scary things that come out of exposed wayward's mouths. Designed to shut you the heck up so as to not further mess up their fantasy romance world.

Whatever she says, be prepared and do not appear visually flustered or intimidated by what she shoots towards you.

I have a good support network of great friends, a counselor & now you guys. I just want to be able to honestly answer yes the question "Daddy, did you do everything to save us?"

Your WW will more than likely be livid. Stay calm, stay the course. Don't allow her to pull you into a heated debate - that's what she's looking for.

WW: You IDIOT!! What have you DONE!!! I'll never trust you again! I was going to work on the marriage, but you can FORGET it now!! I'll never be able to face anyone in this town again!!! You've ruined my job!!!

MM: I'm so sorry you feel that way, WW. I'm sorry that you don't understand that I'll do whatever it takes to save my marriage. Hey, you want to go out for Chinese tonight? There's a special at Keith Wong's All You Can Eat.

WW: Are you CRAZY!!!??? Like I'd want to do anything in public with you now!! You've totally humiliated me!!! Our marriage is OVER!!!

MM: I'm so sorry you feel you feel that way, WW. So, Chinese is out? How about I make you some great spaghetti and meatballs? (or whatever) I can whip up a pretty mean sauce!

WW: (becoming flustered)You're not even listening to a word I say!! You're crazy!!!

MM: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO A WORD THAT I SAY. I told you: I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage. Now. Would you like Chinese, or pasta?

Repeat as needed.

\

THAT is what it is all about, MM. You brought tears to my eyes. This is what I tell folks who allow their fear to keep them paralyzed. We are ALL afraid, but that cannot be allowed to supercede the welfare of our children. You stood up for your DAUGHTER today, Sir. You can honestly answer that you did everything in your power to save your marriage. And you did so bravely and courageously.

I have said a prayer for you and wanted to assure you that God is on YOUR SIDE, the side of RIGHT, and not on the side of the affair.

Psalm 23
A psalm of David.
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name�s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Thank you MelodyLane.

MM
Proud of you, man.

I remember every second of the moment seven years ago when i called OMs GF and heard her heart break when she heard of her partner's affair.

Then I puked in bushes. Within thirty seconds Squid( my wife) texted me to say " thats it ! You have just killed our marriage".

But if being a cringing coward was what was required to keep her home, I didn't want it. Like all men I am made from dirt OUTSIDE Eden. I am a warrior: a defender. With that call I became the Knight I was designed as, no longer the cringing serf I had become.

You have done the same MM. I don't know you but I am proud of you and I pray God will strengthen your arm in this righteous battle.

"I am sorry you are angry but I will do what I think is right for our marriage and our family".

all blessings !

Praying for you MM - EXPOSURE Rocks and you did superb. Although it may not feel like it; you are in the driver's seat and everything is working towards your marriage being saved.

Keep up a stellar Plan A until this EXPOSURE settles. Come here to vent, yell, scream, curse, or to your garage with a punching bag.

Look Spectacular and smell even better for her. Maybe surprise her with a mani/pedi on Sunday just so she knows you are her Knight.

God Bless Tough~

Do not accept any blame for the consequences that are about to befall them. Remember that it is not the EXPOSURE that made the consequences happen -- it was the AFFAIR.
They both knew the risks going in.

Your wife is about to become a spitting, fire
breathing demon. Be prepared. Do not deny exposure. Be proud of it. (but let her be surprised!). When she accuses you of exposure, say "yes, I told OMW!". She will accuse you of ruining their marriage. Calmly remind her that SHE (your wife) is the one who did that!

Welcome to MB, MM

You are doing great. Be prepared for WW's head explosion and the verbal acid but you did THE RIGHT THING by exposing.

My children were close in age to your DD when I exposed. Keep it child appropriate...she doesn't need gory detail but also don't make the seriousness of the matter "soft." Children are smart and can understand simplicity. It's us adults that get all weird about truth and make things 100x harder than they have to be. Think of this as a life lesson to instill in your child about how you treat your people/family and the consequences of actions/poor choices. Children need to be educated.

Good luck to you!!!

Me either. Exposure is not pleasant but being a cringing coward is the last thing a BS should be...more than likely to be in a marriage that never recovers. If a WS leaves over exposure, a BS is better off.

OMG - The OMW just sent me this email & copied my wife & her husband:
While I appreciate your efforts in trying to save your marriage, I am in a battle to save my own. I know you feel betrayed over what has occurred; however, your contact with me has proved more like a retaliation and has done nothing to better the relationships in either of our marriages. If you are looking for an ally, you will not find one in me. As you mentioned concern for the legal implications in this situation, I find none, as this was a mutual relationship that occurred outside of school hours. My current focus is on my husband and children and every ounce of your attention shall be directed the same.
I hope you realize that by opening discussions and the sharing of said emails and texts outside of the scope of our families will only serve as an attack on the relationships we are trying to preserve and could be a further detriment to our children.
I wish your family strength as you work towards recovery, but ask that you have no additional contact with me or my family during this time.

What now?

You did your job. You do not need the OMW as a partner, in fact, she has shown her hand. She is using shame, blame, reasongin and even her children for pity that you do not get her husband canned.

Keep up the good fight.

Fogbabbly at its finest.

There are two options here:

1) OM sent the email to make it look like it was from OMW.

2) OM is threatening divorce and OMW is scarred out of her shorts he will do it. She is weak at the moment and that is how she is coping.

You did wonderful - this is the best response you can have. You can consider this affair almost dead. By the end of the day it may have the file bullet through it depending on how the school responds.

This is the best response you could have gotten. Congratulations your EXPOSURE is killing this affair dead!!!!

That is typical, MM.

Ignore her. She is scared, hurt, embarrased, in denial and many other things. That should not change what you do. I would respond back to her. Will post some suggests on what to say in the response that may plant a seed into her head. And there are legal implications in your situation...she is dead wrong about that.

She's in damage-control mode. MM, she's going to be loyal to her H over a stranger. It's unfortunate that she has told you that the two of you will not be 'allies' but it's not unusual. And that's fine. Your goal in contacting her was accomplished, MM. Now she knows. Now there will be scrutiny on OM.

Let me translate her email for you:
She gets it. She knows how bad this is.

Your WW was boinking a person in authority over her. OM could get the ax for this. This BW is more than likely keenly aware of that. Those are the implications she's probably most worried about. She's distracting you from that by directing your attention to when their meetings occurred.

She wants you to help her bury this. Not unusual for BS's who don't understand the long-ranging affects of exposure toward protecting their M.

I would send her a final email and say words to the effect of "I just wanted to let you know that I did receive your email about no further contact with you. I will respect you and not contact you again. I believe you will be working hard in your way to heal your marriage, and I hope you can appreciate that I will be doing the same. I will not contact you again, but I want you to know that you are welcome to contact me at any time if you need to for any reason."

BE SURE AND CC THE OM AND YOUR WIFE!!

Dear OMW, I appreciate your email and want to assure you that any actions I take are for the purpose of protecting our families from the assault of our spouse's adultery and is not being done in retaliation. It is affairs and lies that poison children, not the truth. It is the affair that is the attack on our marriages and our children.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and keeping it secret only serves to enable it. We keep this affair a secret at our own expense because that is how and why this affair has thrived. That is not good for our marriages and serves as a detriment to our children. I pledge to not enable this affair by aiding and abetting its secrecy.

Please understand that our marriages can never fully recover as long as they continue to work together. They will be perpetually triggered and experts advise that we are facing an on-again, off-again affair for as long as they continue to work together. Marital recovery is impossible under those conditions. I want you to be aware of this, because they cannot continue to work together if we are truly serious about saving our marriages.

I am sorry you choose to not be my ally at this very trying and traumatic time but I will respect your wishes to not contact you. I will be your silent ally in my fight against this assault on my marriage and my daughter's family. I will do that for my daugher, XXX.

Best regards, MoveMountain

Dang, Mel shore talks purty!

There you go, MM. Even better than mine.

You're doing great MM!! Excellent job!

And don't worry about OMW's response to your email. I agree with Marital's translation and you'll have to remember OM'sW is scared.

She KNOWS how liable her H can be in this A and she does NOT want an unemployed H or XH (whatever the case may be)

MM, see, the OM is using his wife to try and shame you into silence. You want to assure him that you will not be silenced and you will not be frightened or guilted into silence. You are calm, cool, collected and most of all: YOU HAVE A PLAN.

They are in free fall and have no plan. Their plan is chaos and damage control. And you do not allow them to dictate your strategy.

Show that weasel scumbag that you will not back down. You are a man who will not back down from his assault on your family. You will not get mad, you will not lose control. You will firmly stand up for your family and lead them out of the darkness.

Thanks! A big portion of my email was for the OM, because I want him to cc the OM and his wife on this too. The OM needs to know that MM IS NOT GOING TO BACK DOWN.

I would put $$$ on OM is the author of that email.

Schoolbus? Paging schoolbus!?

"However, you are wrong about the potential consequences that a sexual relationship can have on your WH's job. WH is in a position of authority. I'm sure there is a district policy addressing so let's get real here. (MM, if you have the policy handy you can include some lingo or just let it be) They both subjected themselves, their families, jobs, reputations to great risk by committing adultery. It is not my intention to retaliate but rather to kill this affair so that BOTH of our marriages/families have a chance to survive and heal.

I am sorry for your pain, BW."


A new BS is hurting but they also need a firm hand. I personally would add more but don't know how much you want to say vs seeing how things go with the exposure.

Went to bed early and miss so much.

You are doing an amazing job at a really screwed up time in your life.

There is nothing as powerful, manly, and ultimately rewarding as what you did yesterday. Fighting for your family is the greatest thing a man (or woman) can do.

I dont have the experience of the mass exposure but if I did Id like to think I did it as bravely as you did.

I especially like the OMW defending the cretan she married. I have bit of experience with that, though. Like your wife, my wife "worked" for OM and thus he held the cards. OMW, early on at least, thought my wife was the agressor and couldnt live without OM's (beep). Pel-easse. My wife needed the EN he supplied and he got the pleasure of my wife's company. Sounds like your deal.

Stay strong.

He has the OM by the GONADS and he needs to continue squeezing. MM has alot of power in this situation.

Highly suspicious email.

I have no doubt the OM had a huge hand in writing it and sending it. That is why I want him to respond with my suggestion and cc the OM and his WW. It will scare the bee-jezus out of him without making any specific claims or threats. The OM will pee his pants when he sees that MM is calm, cool, collected and has NO INTENTION OF BACKING DOWN!

MM, maybe you should even cc the superintendent!!

That's why they pay Mel the BIG BUCKS.

Lord have mercy .... she's a jenus.

Here is the email I WANTED to give MM to send to the OMW, ccing the infidels:

Dear OMW, kindly send my sentiments to your husband :



Best regards, MovedMountains

Put a GPS on WW's vehicle.
Today.

Thank you all - just sent the email & copied OM & WW. This is unreal. Got a call from mother-inlaw begging me not to tell our daughter. Didn't back down.

The affair is about to gasp it's last breath !!!!!!



Put a GPS on her vehicle.
(Not your MIL, your WW)

You are getting great advice (please follow it all, don't skip the GPS step like so many BSs do!!).

Just wanted to say that I know what it feels like to be thrown under the bus by OPS after exposure and it...stings!

But please don't let that detract you from your PLAN. This is very salvageable if you can get your WW away from OM. Keep moving forward with what you are doing and don't back down. You are fighting for your family and you are doing a great job.

Hang in there!

It just occurred to me that this was probably written by the OM, who could have hacked the OMW's email account!! If the OM INTERCEPTED his email last night, he may have spun the story to his wife and is afraid MM will keep contacting her.

MM, I would strongly suggest you call the OMW and ASK HER if she sent that email and ask her if she recieved your email last night.

You very much need to verify that she got your evidence and ask if she sent this email. It is VERY BIZARRO for a BS to call exposure - to her - an "attack" on her marriage and her children. That is not rational and it would be highly unusual to hear a BS say that.

That is the languange of a fogged out WS!

MM

The fear of the loss of conveniences such as jobs, houses and comfortable routine is what stays the hand of many BS when confronted with the fact of an affair. we are not usually married only for romance; there is considerable comfort and investment to be had by both spouses in even a barely functional marriage.

OMW if she DID write this weird masculine, authoritarian email is only saying " I will suck up this insult of adultery if only I don't have to downgrade my car".

In truth you have done her and her family an enormous favour in exposing.

Completely agree to put a gps tracker on your WWs car. She WILL be doing all she can to conspire with OM at this time.

You're doing well mate. I knowit doesn't feel that way.

There are times you will feel like The Lone Ranger but keep on going. Be careful not to get sucked into arguments with MIL or WW. It will tire YOU out. That doesn't mean give two sentences and walk off but you don't need to go on and on and on about why you are exposing. You may have to repeat like a broken record but lecturing until you are blue in the face is not going to help.

Kudos to you!!

]

Good job! Did you read my email about calling the OMW? I suspect that email was written by the OM. He might have intercepted your email last night and hacked into his wife's email account. I would BE SURE and call her today to make sure she knows about the email you sent last night and to ask her if she sent this email today.

That email sounds like was written by the OM and BobPure has professional experience with this. He thinks it was written by a man.

Exactly!

Examples of broken record responses:

(I call these pocket responses ..... keep them handy for when the need suddenly arrises)

"I think everyone deserves the truth."
"Keeping secrets is not my job. My job is to save my marriage."
"Thanks for your opinion."
"Nevertheless, I will fight for my marriage and my family."
"I appreciate your thoughts."
"Standing up for my marriage and my family is never the wrong thing to do."

Yes - thanks for the direction here.

If he didn't write it directly, he certainly had a hand in it. The reference to the affair happening "after hours" certainly suggests to me that it was written by someone who was very concerned about losing their job, and that would be the OM.

The other possibility (less likely) as that the OMW was already informed of the A by the OM some time ago. The e-mail does not strike me as one that was written by someone who just found out about the A.

Correct - he told her it was a light EA last week. She had no idea of the details I was able to provide. Which she has shown him.

MM, do you realize the time between your first and most recent post is just about 27 HOURS! Think of the damage to the affair, and the good for your marriage, that you have accomplished in less time than MelodyLane usually takes to buzz-bomb her high-piled hair (or me to actually construct a reasonable note)!

You might not yet understand the reference, MM, but you should change your sign-on to Clank-Clank, in recognition of the extensive supply of "brass" residing in your shorts!

[img:left]http://cl.ly/0T322U3j2t0B2e0a3r1V[/img] I gave a gift to my wife on Tuesday. I took her to a really private special place not far from our house where there is an amazing environment with a stream, trees, rocks, etc. I told here that I wanted her to know about this place so she would have a place of refuge if you will. I built 3 cairns of stone to represent me, her & our daughter (which was downstream as it should be). I told her how the cairns represent us and that my wish was that this place could bring her clarity to do the right thing. This is a photo of her cairn.

The email may or may not be from BW but it is very possible it is her. There are plenty of BSs that live in denial...some for years and years who would rather live on in Plan Hope. If by some chance the email was from OM, OMW will find out soon enough once the drama unfolds with the school district. I would not contact OMW again just yet. Assume the OM is reading the email...GOOD! Keep addressing the situation as if addressing the BW and let him know he's about to have the dogs of hell unleashed on him so to speak. If he is reading he will be sh^%tting a few dozen bricks...GOOD!!

Have you heard anything from the school, MM?

I disagree on this. She won't find out if she is told a highly spun story. It won't hurt at all to verify that she did send the email, but it will hurt if it was the OM and he is conning his wife. I have no doubt the OM spun a story to his wife and wants very much to keep that story in place so he can continue his affair.

MM, you need to call the OMW personally and make sure it was her who sent that email and make sure she got your email last night. We have had too many WS's intercept emails like that and write fake emails to just accept that at face value. Keep in mind you are dealing with a class A SNAKE whose marriage and career are on the line. He is a liar who would not be above sending you fake emails.

Nothing from the school yet (biting fingernails).

Just got this email from her:
"I will sign a lease tomorrow on a place for me. We should consult on a parenting plan."

I am not saying don't verify this info soon but I don't think it has to be today. There is still a traumatized BS here. Pushing her may push her away all together. MM, has your all contact with BW been via email? I was under the impression you two had spoken when the PA was confirmed. Please clarify.

I don't see any reason to wait. He needs to verify that this is her. If the OM is sending these emails she needs to know sooner rather than later.

Lock up any jointly held monies.

And do not respond to that email.

I called her yesterday for the first time even though the PA was confirmed last week (my bad I know). Then there was brief email correspondence.

And do NOT allow her to move the kids in with her.

Then call or go down there...to the school district not the school (since OM is the principal who knows who will cover for him) If a secretary says everyone is busy or whatever, tell her you want a call back PRONTO. If you show up at the district office, even better. Be calm but firm...someone better talk to you before the school/district gets bad publicity around town **cough** Do not ever threaten or say you will do something you won't.

Employers don't want egg on their faces...especially a place like a school. Start taking names.

I look at it as giving OM more rope...but that's me.

"I have no interest in a parenting plan and don't intend to allow DD to be removed from her safe home to accommodate your affair."

This is the first volley of THREATS, MM. Let her know you will not cooperate and if this does go to divorce, that you will be filing on grounds of ADULTERY and will be going for primary custody and possession of the house. Let her know that the OM will be named in the suit and will be subpoenaed to court.

You need to paint a very ugly picture if she pursues this path. I view her comment as a SCARE tactic to get you to panic and back down.

Does this mean I go to Plan B?

What was said between you two while on the phone?

PEP is right, don't respond to the email. But TELL HER what I said when she gets home. She is trying to scare you.

Did you tell your daughter about the affair yet? Your WW very much needs to hear from your daughter about this affair.

TELL HER THIS WHEN SHE GETS HOME IF SHE BRINGS THIS UP AGAIN. And if you have any joint accounts, I would RIGHT NOW move that money so she doesn't plunder you. A fogged out wayward is very destructive..

I'm picking her up from school & telling her today.

Not yet.
Too early.

PS

You are doing GREAT !!!!!!!

Your WW's anger and threats are average. Nothing special.
Just so you know.

Wow. Lots of stuff hitting the fan. You are in the middle of a shOOtz storm, it will not always be this crazy, keep your chin up.

I know you are making many descisions, most on the fly, but you ARE on the right course,
Expect your WW to be absolutely out of her mind angry with you... you may want to read the exposure link to see what is coming your way.

It sounds crazy, but almost ALL WS give the same threats, tears, standoffs and anger after exposure. Someone has said on this site it is like they all have the same secret playbook they read from.

The more you brace yourself, (please keep in mind the end goal of a recovered M, or a completely recoverd YOU) the less I hope it will hit you.

Good luck.

She said she was surprised I hadn't called earlier & I asked what she knew. She said her H is very committed, she was very skeptical and defensive. After I emailed her proof she wanted to see more, etc. Really in a state of denial.

Perfect. That will prepare her for the sh**storm her mother has brought into her family. And be sure to tell your DD who the OM is. She needs to know who the enemy of her family is. You should encourage her to speak to her mother about her affair. She has every right to get an explanation about why she is doing this to her family. All for a little cheap fun. I assure you, if you don't tell her the truth, your wife will tell her lies.

Will your wife's mother speak to your wife?


Now, are you prepared for when your wife comes home? You should let her know that you will accept nothing less than complete no contact for life even if it means leaving that job.

And PLEASE pick up the phone and call the OMW to make sure she sent that email and not her H. Please verify this.

Thanks!! that helps!

MM, this is very common tactic of the WS to get the BS back off. Don't fall for this. I can't tell you how many times I have read about WSs here packing up only to return hours later.

My sister's WH actually did this after she killed his affair with exposure and he ranted and raged for days that he was *DONE*. They are recovered today.

Hang in there

OK - how about I send her a txt message?

Sure, if that will work!

MM, please read Susie's post again. Her sister's wayward husband went crazy and her sister remained calm and did not flinch one bit! He never followed through on his threat to leave and they are fully recovered today!

So do not let her intimidate you one bit! You are doing great!!

Ok - I'm going to sign off for a bit and go get my daughter. Thanks for the support!!!!!!!!

If she said she was surprised you hadn't called earlier she knows what is going on. SHE was too chicken to call YOU. I see her as a typical BS...trying to keep her sanity and family intact even though her brain is playing twister. It is a terrible place to be.

I have to get going. I would let BW had a little breathing room and concentrate on the school for now. Plus exposure with DD and other family and friends. If you are able to get somewhere with the district, OM and WW (even BW) will be flipping out and throwing each other under the bus, DJs, AOs...you WILL hear from them one way or another. It is unfortunate if BS chooses to bury her head in the sand.

Protect your family. Be strategic...I know it is a lot to do when your life is exploding before your eyes. The more hammers you have out there, the better. You may not have to use them all but know when to strike and how hard to hit.

Good luck to you.

You don't like to use the phone, do you?

I'm just guessing. I don't much like the phone, either.

You might need to use the phone, though, to look a little more assertive.

MM,

Just read your thread. It's good to see someone listen to the vets here so well. Keep up the exposure. Make this affair VERY uncomfortable for them.

PROTECT your kid.

PROTECT your money.

SAVE all evidence.

No, she did not know what was going on because the OM had spun the story and minimized this as nothing more than an EA. That is why it is so important to keep her informed and to ensure the OM doesn't intercept his emails. As we noted earlier, the email that supposedly came friom the OMW probably came from the OM. That needs to be verified NOW, not later.

Verify that OMW sent email, and has recieved all the proof you have sent her.

That email sounds as if the OM wrote it. It has his stench all over it.

Go to her house or place of business and talk in person.

Melody and others that expressed these concerns know what they are talking about and you better man up.

OMW did send email
Just had the most heartbreaking talk with daughter
Super left VM for me and is calling me in 5

I feel like my whole life is evaporating.

No, your whole life was evaporating YESTERDAY when you were on a fast track to divorce. TODAY you have a chance. Hang in there and stand firm. You are doing the right thing. I am saying a prayer for you right now.

I am sorry for your daughter. You did the right thing in telling her and preparing her for the chaos in her family. At least now she will now she is not the cause and will be better equipped to navigate this difficult time in her family.

Be strong, MM!!

I also agree that letter reeks of the OM...however, the omw might have ALREADY dealt with this situation BEFORE with her wh..Just a thought about that.

She could be like my xwh's ow/wistress, who didn't really care what her H (my xwh) did (he cheated like mad on her), so as long as he provided her with a luxury car, a nice home, a pool, trips, and jewelry and clothes. She could easily be MADE to look away from his actions.

Either this was written by the om (which is my guess) or else his bw has dealt with this BEFORE and knows that if he loses a nice job in THIS economy, it could cause serious issues. I am also guessing this may have happened maybe at a prior school or at the SAME SCHOOL?

Just my thoughts on this.

But DO secure your assets NOW. And make sure your child is not taken into this home.

Save that email, as it PROVES there was an affair. What is does sound like, even IF the bw DID write that letter btw, is that she was coached by her WH/OM.

The use of the words "happened between two adults AFTER school hours" is spin in case there is a SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT filed, should your ww become a non-wayward or if there is something else we don't know about..like the om making moves or HARASSING other educators (or even students as I said before). There is something..JUST SOMETHING...about this OM that is not quite like the other waywards I see here. Something dark about this guy.

But do stand up to him...KEEP standing up to him. And to the wayward mindset inhabiting the brain of your wife.

YOU DA MAN! You have done an amazing job standing up for your marriage and family. You sir, are a marriage warrior!!!

Fwiw, if it were me, I'd hire a PI to investigate this situation. Possibly this has definitely happened before, or this guy has some sort of past.

It would be interesting to see what a PI could dig up. My bet is that he has had some sort of disciplinary action in the past for the same kind of (or even worse) behavior.

MM-

Just want to let you know that you are doing great. Many betrayed husbands wait and second guess the advice here but you just did it!! You listened, followed and just did it and it was probably the hardest that you've ever done and you did it for your family . Please keep following the vets advice here (even if you think it doesn't make sense). You are in the right and only path to recovery whether with your wife beside you or personal recovery.

Don't forget to buy a voice activated recorder if you haven't already BUY IT NOW and have it with you at all times. She might accuse you of domestic violence.

Please vent your frustrations here but consult with your doctor if you need medications.

I feel like my whole life is evaporating. [/quote]

I know you do, I did too. Exposure was very hard for me but I did it and I am glad I did. I listened to Mel and the others and did it. You are doing an AMAZING job. Keep it up. I am impressed the Super is calling you back. In my district I could see them ignoring a situation like this.

As far as the OMW, my bet is she is being bullied by him with, "If this keeps up I may lose my job, and where will we be then". She is scared of the "What if's" and just wants it to all blow over. He has been doing a good job of getting in her head with all of the "After hours" talk. You don't need her now, don't worry about her.

Keep up the good work, it won't always be this bad. Two years out I can say that now. Good luck!

exposure works, it takes time for the affair to blow up, sit back and let it happen. It will be tough to be patient and she will be spitting nails, if she moves out let her, she will come running back in no time, watch how quickly the OM dumps her.....
Your wife will say nasty things and ugly things and make all kinds of threats and blame you for the marriage breakdown and any possibility of fixing it.......she will deflect a lot. don't listen to a word, just keep saying I am fighting for my marriage and my family and I will do whatever I have to do, over and over again...........
Tell her you love her and when she is willing to give up the OM you would be willing to talk about recovery.
Don't argue, just be firm with your boundaries and then sit back and watch life for her fall apart.........
she will realize what a stupid move it was and is to have this relationship.
Patience, just focus on your daughter and yourself, make sure you get some rest, eat.............and surround yourself with family and friends......
jessi

OK - I thought last week was bad - this is just off the charts.
Spoke w/Super & head of HR - he was very appreciative of my contact & efforts. He basically said that it's now an employee issue and he will not be able to discuss it with me. Fine, I said & I just wanted them to know. Done.

Family meeting of sorts - let daughter do much of the talking. WW said she's looking at an apt, leases are 12mos but that she would have her family pay for it. I kept saying in a calm reassuring voice that I love you and I want to work on this. She said it's "beyond work." Really pissed - like calm, eerie pissed. She says she's spending the night at a hotel and has seen an attorney for a legal separation where she would get daughter 1/2 time - sucks. Daughter should not have to be taken from the home. Attorney time?

As she left to take daughter to an event I said I love you & turned around to finish the dishes.

Thanks!

Don't let this bother you, it is very unlikely she will do any of this. Even if she does, it is FAR from over. She is attempting to turn this around to make you the bad guy so she doesn't have to take accountability for her wrongdoing.

What state are you in?

And what did your daughter say?

Do you really think her parents would fund such a thing? Have you spoken to both her parents and made sure they fully understand this is an affair? Will they use their influence to persuade her to end her affair?

Did you do this yet? This goes for savings, checking, retirement, and HELOC if you have one. We've had WW's drain tens of thousands from joint finances and use it for attorney retainers, getting and furnishing a new apartment, trips, dining out and generally living it up off marital assets. Don't let this happen to you!

I'd also recommend you send a certified letter to the superintendent and the school board. I think ML referenced one earlier in the thread. The reasoning is that an email or a phone call is easier to blow off, but something in writing that someone had to sign for is a whole different matter.

Whatever happens, do not move out of your home, and do not let WW take your daughter to live with her without a court order!

CO
Daughter said she wants mommy to stay and that I'm the right man for her. She said that she understands mommy made a bad choice but she can help make it better by staying. Daughter was very brave but did cry quite a bit. Unsolicited she said that daddy loves you and didn't say anything bad about you. He told me you love me too.

MM wanted to add some support. Things often appear to get worse before they get better. You are doing great!! This is how you kill an A.

If your WW is anything like my WH (and most likely she is since waywards are all the same - frightening) she will go meet the OM after she drops your DD off at the event.

Did you GPS her car? It is always good to know their meeting spots.

Hang in there.

MM,

He basically said that it's now an employee issue and he will not be able to discuss it with me.

Right so they are taking this seriously, left jab to OM!

The OMW knows it is a physical affair left hook to OM head!

Since the OM is being exposed at work, possibly other women will come forward, slap to OM face! His moral authority as head of a family organization is GONE weight dropped on OM foot!

Your W realizes her behavior is inexcusable and wants to disappear, but the affair was her choice not yours.

IF she enters into another relationship she has two choices, LIE to her new partner about how her marriage ended or tell the truth in which case her new partner will think less of her.

W entering into a relationship with OM is now very nearly impossible since he dropped her like a hot potato.

You've done a mans job sir!

God Bless
Gamma

Maybe you should make an unexpected appearance at the event to see what WW is up to.

God Bless her little heart. I hope she got through to your wife.

If your wife brings up leaving again, let her know you won't allow her to take your DD out of the home without a court order. Tell her that is not fair to disrupt her home for her affair.

Her reasons for wanting to leave are either a) to scare you into submission or b) so she can move out and pursue the OM in peace

Because of this, it is real important to not let her scare you about her leaving. A WW plays that card in order to GET CONTROL. She is hoping you will beg and plead for her to stay. You don't want to do that.

Tell her, "me and DD would sure hate to see you go, but I won't try to stop you. That would happen anyway if you didn't end your contact with OM."

The next step is to paint a very ugly picture of the future if she pursues a separation/divorce. Let her know you will seek primary custody of your DD because of the poor judgment she has shown by having an affair with a married man. You do not want your DD exposed to such unsavory characters and will do what it takes to protect her. Tell her for that reason, you will be countersuing on grounds of ADULTERY and bringing the OM and his wife into court to give testimony of the affair. His emails and cell phone records will be subpeonaed under discovery.

Make it look ugly and bleak as possible.

They want you to shut up...I would not. While he may not be able to discuss it with you (that part may be true), I would not let the workplace exposure end on that note. One of them has to leave the workplace.

Anyone else at the school know? What about WW's family?

This is normal. They won't talk to you. But rest assured that they are taking this very seriously!

If they respond like my H's employer did, they have already been on the phone with the district's attorney. They will have to hire an independent investigator to interview WW and OM to determine whether or not grounds for a possible sexual harassment lawsuit exists. (That's their main concern, like any business.)

They will find no grounds for a lawsuit. Now, here's where it could be interesting. They can't let the two of them continue to work together, so someone's going to have to go. It would be nice if they would terminate OM on the grounds of immoral conduct, but that would probably only happen if he agreed to a morality clause when he was hired. I suspect they will probably transfer your WW to another school district. She's lower on the food chain than OM.

Have you locked down your finances yet? Please do so immediately.

I would be ready to contact an attorney to discuss your rights if she actually does move out. We've heard plenty of stories about WWs storming out after exposure, only to return later. Think about it: she's leaving her home to go...nowhere. OM is obviously staying with his BW, so she can't go to him.

Anyone else at the school know?



If this district is anything like mine they all know and have been talking about it for weeks. Those that don't know will find out when one of them gets transfered.

This is an important concept for a BH in your current position ...

!!! document document document !!! <~~~ *** LINK ***

MM,

I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you open another account immediately and move all family funds into it. Cancel the credit cards and don't let her have access to the finances. A WW will clean you out.

Also, let her know calmly that you will not lay down in a D. 50/50 is out of the question if the marriage ends because of her affair.

Will that be the likely outcome? Yes, but she doesn't know that. Make it clear that the path towards D will not be easy but the path towards recovery will be better than D.

Let her know that you and DD aren't going anywhere and that you won't permit DD to be taken out of the marital home.

Be calm and cool the whole time. It will freak her out more than you getting mad. Think James Bond.

There are moments for the anger, but be calm right now.

You have been getting great advice and following it.

It looks bleek now but my experience here on MB shows that the tide is turning even though you can't see it now.

Good job maning up.

MoveMountains, I rarely post on this forum any more, as I find it very difficult and heartbreaking, but I feel compelled to reach out.

You are my HERO!

Your thread reads much like my entry into Marriage Builders, and I applaud the way you have listened to and followed the advice given by the veterans here. I am convinced that God has put angels on this board and given them names like MelodyLane, Pepperband, maritablbliss and more.

With the tireless strength these people provide - free of charge or obligation - they enable us to do things we would otherwise not have the will or guts to do. In a very short time, you have gone from a stunned, quivering bowl of jello to a man of honor and integrity. I'm proud of you!

No matter how things ultimately turn out, you will be able to look in the mirror and not shy away from the man you see looking back at you.

Good job, MoveMountains. Keep it up!

Hopefully someone does get transferred but I still wouldn't count on the school to do something and continue to hold their feet to the fire.

How are you feeling this morning, MM?

Good morning everybody. Last night was a wild ride for sure. The WW told me over the phone she would be staying at a hotel - didn't happen. She said she was going to get an apartment today only to call me later from the grocery to ask what deodorant I needed and "oh, by the way I'm not going to sign a big lease, that would be too much of a commitment."

Her encounter with our daughter seemed to have a profound effect on her to focus back on the daughters needs, not mine. I did tell her ahead of time that our daughter needed to know. She disagreed and I said I'm open to suggestions on how to talk to our daughter about it as long as it involves the truth. She offered none.

What she's really pisssed about is that she feels I gave out daughter too many details - I told our D that mommy found a boyfriend and that boyfriend was her boss "X". No more than that. Maybe the name of the person was too much. She says she will never be able to forgive me for that. I told her that I believe I have a place in my heart to forgive her for what she did all summer and that gives me hope that she would have a place in her heart to forgive me for telling our daughter too much in her opinion.

She was a wreck last night - she called it overload. Tired, barely able to communicate and in bed by 8. She slept on an air mattress on the floor of our daughters room. This morning she's seething. BUT some communication had begun - maybe a slight entry into the "Conflict" phase?
My sense is that the next few days are going to be very unpredictable. She's now super mad but understand, her "mad" is not screaming & yelling. Quite the opposite - her mad is very calm with very short cutting comments and stares that are intimidating.
My commitment is to be a loving but firm/confident husband and to continue to make the home a welcoming environment.

Perfect - it is following the wayward script exactly. You have a great chance at recovery. Kill her with kindness, look great, smell even better, and Plan A stellar!!!!

MM,

You're doing great!

When I exposed, I was so scared my W would run out, take the kids, etc.

Marital, Melody - thankfully - snapped me out of by reminding me: she ain't going anywhere! OM didn't want her as his new 'roommate', that would be too much committment, responsibility, etc. for someone just looking for a score...if W wanted to leave, she would've been out of there earlier...plus, IF W DID leave, it would simply clarify who was pro-marriage/family, and who was not, which would make decision-making easier going forward...

My W FREAKED, even grabbed a suitcase....blathered fogbable that she'd 'make my nightmare come true' and go to OMs house...drove to Walgreens that night, spoke to her uncle who reminded her it was HER actions that lead to this...she called her aunt to 'tell on me'...aunt told her: "it's all on you -- YOU had the A, and these are the consequences...if you would've ended this the right way, well...appreciate you have a H who is fighting for you and protecting your family...". She came home an hour later...

Then, that weekend, we went to a family event at our synagogue, took son to basketball game, breakfast on Sunday...that weekend she blustered, I suppose as the pain of the A came to light, and as the A was killed...

Now, 6 months later, I'm posting in recovery forum....we're following MB principles, W is meeting my ENs, following EPs....incredible.

(and, yes, our children - 15 and 12 - know everyhting...)

Keep up the good work!

MM, now is the time to tell her what it will take to turn this marriage around. DO NOT LET UP UNTIL YOU HAVE HER OUT OF THERE. Stick with this until you get her out of there. I would have a discussion with her tonight and let her know she has to leave that job. She may tell you to go to hell right now, but you have to plant that seed and be a BROKEN RECORD about it. Let her know you will not settle for less. NO WAY.

I would also strongly consider even moving so you can get your DD into a new school district. Does your DD go to the school the principal is at? Because if she does, you can't put yourself in a position where you and your wife are seeing the OM at school events. That will not work. Only complete and total no contact for life will suffice. Believe me, we are not kidding when we say this step about no contact can't be skipped becuase everytime your wife sees the OM puts her back to day 1 of recovery. The fog comes right back and because she will be triggered, the affair is likely to start up again. She will be perpetually triggered this way.

When you speak to her, be a broken record:

1. you must end all contact with the OM for life, even if that means leaving the job [I suspect Gloveoil is correct, though, and the OM will be fired but your wife's reputation will still be ruined so you might want to point that out and suggest moving to another town]

2. I love you but I will not tolerate any continued contact with the OM

Hammer this message home starting TODAY. And of course you did the right thing in telling your daughter the name of the OM. She has a right to know the name of her enemy. He is a bad man who is harming her family. She needs to know who the fox in the henhouse is. You may have done this, but I would be CERTAIN that your DD understands that adultery is immoral. It sounds like she does know that but I wanted to make sure.

From the new book by Dr. Bill Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

con'd here



How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Hi MM,

Very few respond as quickly to the advice given here. It may seem counter productive at first but has frequently yielded positive result.

Her anger has not diminished. She is spitting mad and will try to undermine you. Be prepared for a roller coaster ride. Continue to stand up for your marriage.

Right now your wife will not respond to declaration of love for her or any sane advice. She is an alien. Win her back by meeting her emotional needs. She may not respond, but she will remember. This part is Plan A. This continues for approximately six months or until your taker gives up. Then Plan B kicks in.

OM is a public figure and can be exposed to the parents in his school. I guess the next step is to warn these if the the school council does not react.

There was a case in England where the headmaster lost his job after his wife found him cohabiting with another teacher.

Be aware that this may well end the same way. This might also explain the reluctance of OM wife to support you.

MelodyLane, first thanks for the support & guidance. My daughter has been amazing in understanding right from wrong. She has been amazing in understanding what WW did was wrong. She said to me "Daddy, I'm glad you told me because the truth is the only way it works." Brilliant! But it's hard to hear her say "Daddy I'm going to ask for a magic bag for Christmas then I'm going to use the magic to put everything back to the way it was." ugh...

I have had a hard time coming to terms with the reality of the job thing. I get it & agree that's it's required - no argument. I just have anxiety about saying that when I know she will say it's not an option. She thinks the marriage is over and the actions now are to get our daughter to a good spot with it. So that may mean not moving out for now, trying to play nice, etc.

I also see no remorse in her. I can understand her being mad, etc but it would just seem that there would be some empathy from her. Very hard.

Finally she said the A was a result of the state of the marriage. In effect, things were over before the A happened. Which is strange to me considering we tried to have another baby for 14 months prior, went on a family trip that was great, etc. While she may not have been getting her EN met properly (which I take responsibility for) she certainly wasn't checked out. I wasn't dead to her.
So ok, I have Plan A in full effect - great. Should I be pushing for discussions, dialogue, counseling sessions - in other words isn't it time for us to be talking? If so my sense is the first conversation should be about trust.

There will be little to no remorse from most WW while there is still ANY contact at all. She is still taking hits off the crackpipe and furious that you are trying to take it away.

Move, I fear that you aren't understanding the importance of NC. There will be no meeting her needs or ANY improvement here until you get her away from OM. If she even glances at him in passing at school, she will stay triggered and you will just be banging your head against the wall. That's why Mel is telling you to hold her feet to the fire in terms of demanding NC. You can't get to Step 2 when you haven't accomplished Step 1 yet (100% NC!)

What she's angry about is that you told DD anything.

You did great, MM. She absolutely should know the name of the bad person who did so much damage to her family. If someone had tried to burn down your house, would you hide the arsonist's name? Nope. The situation is the same. Only the crimes are different.

She's not going to show remorse right now. She's got to defog. While she's in the fog it's going to be all about her and how mean you were to take her drug away.

She's alien right now, MM. Hang in there - get NC established and you'll be pleasantly surprised at the difference.

I've got some practical advice and some general attitudes you need to pick up.

Practical:

If your WW goes ahead with moving out, then separate your finances immediately and cancel any joint credit cards. Today.

If she gets a lawyer and pursues legal separation, then get yourself a lawyer pronto. You cannot "share" a lawyer and come up with a mutually agreed upon separation agreement, you have to have someone looking out for YOUR interest.

This is important because separation agreements or temporary orders set a precedent and have a way of becoming permanent in the court. If you settle for 50/50 custody now, it will be exceedingly difficult to get more when you go to divorce court.

General Advice:

Avoid all relationship talk now. She is in the "fog" and is mad as a hornet. Any relationship talk will degrade into how horrible you were before the affair in order to justify her actions. Do not try to educate her, state your case, beg, plead, or cajole. Simply state "I am fighting for my marriage", then show her with your best plan A actions, not words.

Do not apologize for exposure, even to your child. You did what was necessary to save your marriage.

Do not look for remorse, have no expectations at all of getting your emotional needs met. That was the biggest shocker of all in a lot of cases, the WS gets caught in ADULTERY, but usually isn't remorseful.

Just clean up your side of the street, meet her EN's as well as you can or are allowed to, and stay away from relationship talk.

Trust and other issues can be addressed when plan A (or B) has worked and your wife is ready to commit to working on the marriage. She isn't close to there, yet.

MM,

Just to echo what Marital, Susie are saying....becasue they needed to say the same thing to me...

There is no step toward recovery if those 2 work together.

In my situation, I can pinpoint the exact turning point away from the A and toward recovery -- the day OM was fired from the jobsite after I exposed.

Once he was gone, my W turned back toward our M, our family...started to have her head clear, defog.

Not only did I notice, the kids notice....but also, I asked sevral months ago if she felt she was in withdrawal, or when she felt that she had 'woken up' to what she was doing...my W still references THAT MOMENT, not having OM at job, when she "snapped out of it" (her words) and knew she had to do the right thing and recommit to our marriage, or go and be on her own if I chose to end the M....

Thanks.

I understand she will say it is not an option NOW. But that will change very soon here. And you need to set the stage NOW and let her know that this is the ONLY condition under which you will stay married. [trust me on this, your marriage is DONE unless she ends contact] As the affair goes into a free fall she will start looking to you. Right now she is under the impression that you will settle for ANYTHING and you need to quickly disabuse her of that notion.

That means you tell her she has to agree to never see the OM again for life or this will lead to divorce. And then you paint a very ugly picture of a nasty divorce that is filed on grounds of adultery.


I would not expect to see any remorse from her at all. She is still drunk on the affair and angry that you took her booze away.


Oh no. You don't have conversations about trust, etc with a falling down drunk. You get them sobered up FIRST so you can have conversations. That is what I need for you to do.

Place ALL your focus on getting her away from the OM. Nothing else matters right now, because if you can't get her away, there is no reason to have any conversations because this is hopeless. Hopeless. Recovery is impossible unless she NEVER sees the OM again. You need to be a broken record and don't shut up until that is achieved.

You have come this far, please don't throw it all away because you are worried she won't leave the job. You need to push for it and PUSH HARD. Point out to her TONIGHT that her reputation is ruined at that school and that the only way this will ever work is if she ends all contact with the OM. If she says she wants a divorce, then AGREE that is the only option if she will not end contact with the OM.

Don't let up before you have this in the bag, my friend!! You are doing so good. Don't let all your good work go to waste without getting your marriage in a position where recovery is even possible.

check out this radio clip with a BH and Dr Harley: click here

She is trying to get your DD to a "good spot" about destroying her family over an affair?? I would explain to her that that is an unrealistic goal and if it is her goal to sell your DD a bill of goods that you take issue with that. Your DD will never get over divorce. Kids are permanently scarred over divorce and adultery.

Does she expect you and your DD to sit by while she carries on her affair and takes her time to move out?

For your wife's reading pleasure:

An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

� Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

� The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents� marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

� Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

� Early latency (ages 6�-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

� Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a �good� parent and a �bad� parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

� Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent�s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents� decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
� Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

� The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child�s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

� There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child�s life.

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

Does she know yet that the Superintendent, etal know about the affair? If she doesn't find out today, I would let her know TONIGHT that you have exposed the affair to the Super, Director of HR and the board. TELL HER YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM THE EVIDENCE. They are investigating it right now.

If she or the OM doesn't get fired, then I predict she will want to QUIT anyway because her reputation is ruined anyway.

I was hoping she would find out at work that she had been exposed, but if she doesn't find out TODAY, then tell her tonight. She will not be able to get ahold of the OM and concoct a story this weekend because he will be with his wife, so she will have to stew alone all weekend.

But the value of that exposure needs to be utilized NOW while you have them on the ropes.

This is a classic wayward spin. No, the A was the result of her having poor boundaries. You are NOT to blame AT ALL for her poor boundaries. You may be responsible for your part in the state of the marriage prior to her adultery, but you were in no way responsible for her choice. Don't ever forget that.

If the "state of the marriage" was really so bad, she could have divorced you or come to you with the truth about how she was feeling so that you and she could attempt to work on things. She didn't. Instead, she unilaterally made the choice to destroy your marriage.

I haven't read your whole thread but if she is still working with the other man, there is no recovery. Seriously.

I'll defer to the vets on Plan A stuff but I will say this. You cannot educate a wayward, they won't hear you. Your actions speak much louder. Show her that you'll be her hero.

Like Clark Kent and Superman

How come you never see Melody and Dr H at the same time?

Meggy,

Right on...again, I feel like such a clod looking back at what the vets were telling me -- and they were so right!

They challenged me, scolded me even, for not stepping up to save my W, my family, when they needed a hero...I did, finally.

And still my W thanks me for saving her, for being a beautiful man who showed her how much I could care for her, to fight for her even after she did what she did...

She knows the super knows - her MIL just told me.

BUT the Super hasn't asked or seen evidence. I let him know that I'm willing to supply whatever. However I do want to get some legal advice on this b/c sharing this info could have unintended consequences.

Can I take this to mean that you're not upset with me for some of my more, um...strident posts? I'm glad - I remember feeling bad at the time that I had to get so stern with you.

MM avoided my tongue-lashing, LOL!

MM, because of your situation, the concentration has been on workplace exposure, with a nod toward her parents. Exposure should incorporate any/all persons having influence on her cheating butt.

Union officials will be very interested that one of their members had been taken advantage of (Hey! It's all in how you word it, dude!) by a member of the administration. (May even be considered "working outside the requirements of the contract"!) Does she have close social/community acquaintances? Tell them. Sorority/college friends she stays in touch with? Inform them of her recent new pasttime. Parents of DD's playmates/classmates? Most assuredly tell them.

If these don't start the landslide, I'll open up NG's bag of nasty tricks!

Never upset with you...or NG, Mel, Pep, Susie, Arpeggi....

Without you guys guiding me, my family would not be intact right now, and I would have no hope for our M...

You all said what needed to be said -- and I did my best to follow it.

It was all so counter-intuitive, yet correct: if our M fails (ed?), it wouldn't be because of exposure...exposure sure did burst the A bubble, however, and end the fence-sitting of my W. If I hadn't done that, I'd still be hoping OM was off jobsite, and probably be in Plan D by now...

I still have echos of the trauma, and some days still a bit unsure if the A is really dead (really?) and worry about 'secret' contact, but my W has truly bought into MB principles and is really, really meeting my ENs and has made a 180 as a wife and mother....

I don't know if I could ever be grateful enough for your care and guidance.

Quote

Finally she said the A was a result of the state of the marriage. In effect, things were over before the A happened. Which is strange to me considering we tried to have another baby for 14 months prior, went on a family trip that was great, etc. While she may not have been getting her EN met properly (which I take responsibility for) she certainly wasn't checked out. I wasn't dead to her.

MM, this is very common for WS, rewriting marital history. If you were such a bad husband, why didn't she talk about it? How do you know she wasn't getting her ENs met properly? Do you know what her most important ENs are and how she wants someone to meet them?

Of course you are at fault, MM, because as long as you are at fault she can continue to lie to herself that she was justified in what she was doing. Take away that justification and one has to look at oneself in the mirror and own it all, then the conscience kicks in. Pretty uncomfortable to admit to oneself that you've acted like a selfish %#@%$ and are responsible for your own actions. Much better to blame it all on the unsuspecting spouse, including the interfering with someone else's marriage part.

You've done very well, MM, I want you to know that. I know everyone has been saying this to you but I wanted to say it again. A very common thing that happens is that a guy comes here paralyzed with fear about a potential divorce and all of the ramifications of that, and is afraid to do what is necessary to save his marriage. Some of the stuff here is kind of counterintuitive, but as history has shown, appeasement never works and only ends up creating the very situation you hope to avoid. Being strong and uncompromising in your actions for your marriage, willing to fight for it and unwilling to give in to fear is what will save the day. Pretty soon the OM will dump your wife and your wife will begin to see things for what they really are. It's a hard lesson indeed when you are shown that you were nothing but some strange, and that you nearly threw your life away for someone who really cared nothing for you.

MM,

I've got my own thread just started. I read your post and am wondering how you got copies of her texts. I can confirm that she is doing it through her online account but she deletes them from her phone and I can only see times/dates/numbers online so far. Anything you can tell me would be great.

Sorry we're both here man!

rj

MM, the reason she had the affair is because she has poor boundaries around men. All the need meetin in the world could not overcome that.

Finally she said the A was a result of the state of the marriage. In effect, things were over before the A happened. Which is strange to me considering we tried to have another baby for 14 months prior, went on a family trip that was great, etc. While she may not have been getting her EN met properly (which I take responsibility for) she certainly wasn't checked out. I wasn't dead to her.


MM
my wh told me the same thing on dday. I was four days away from delivering our third son when I found out. He told me he had always loved this woman (really??? Never even heard her name until 3 months prior) and that we had been having "problems" for months. His main reason for the "problems" we were having was I had "forced" him into having a 3rd baby he didn't want. I looked at him and said,"The only problem we are having is that YOU are having an affair and not concentrating on your marriage or children"!

I beat myself up for weeks inside about having a 3rd baby after that. This was all pre-MB of course. My point is try not to listen to her. No person in their right mind would say, "I have a great husband, beautiful daughter, and a great marriage....so I chose to have an A". She has to blame and justify.

A friend of mine told me one time that all A's are the same, just different players. If you read enough posts on MB you will see this.

Keep up the good work, you are doing a great job!

MM

Your situation is absolutely from the scripts. It doesn't feel like it, but your feelings are not your friend during this crisis. Your feelings will paralyse you with fear and hope when you need to be frosty and objectived.

You are getting stunning advice from Mel and pep and others.

You are being a genuine, actual hero. Keep it up, son.

Ok guys - thanks. I will continue the path, NC100% is the only way, I see that.
As far as exposure I've hit every relevant person. Church, work, friends, family, doctor, child, co-workers, OMW - basically everyone of influence around her. Of course she sees this as an absolute betrayal, how ironic, but you guys have addressed it & I'm confident it's the right thing to do to end the A and that we don't have a chance until the A is killed.

At home, I'm calm, motivated, attentive and I've changed my routine, stay well dressed around her and have started doing things with new people. I've picked up most of the tasks around the house not only to be helpful but also to eliminate any time-killing distractions from her.

I got a prescrip for Ambien to get some sleep & force feeding myself to hopefully keep some sort of physical balance.

I have a date set for Plan A.

Thank you all and I will continue to update with progress. There's no way I could have implemented Plan A without this support!!!

Plan A is not for sissys.

Keep up the good work MM.

Again, make sure you lock up your finances.

Cancel joint credit cards. If you suspend her cc, make sure you change the acct #.

If she were to move out, she might try to put the rent on your card. Make sure that does not happen.

She also might try to stick you with her lawyer's retainer fee. How do I know? Because it happened to me.

Just sent a follow up email to the super:
Dr super,
As a follow up to our conversation I have attached a screenshot of an email thread between WW & Mr. OM written this past Tuesday 8/30/11. While someone without the knowledge of the affair might overlook the verbiage of the email, I can tell you that after viewing the documentation I have, talking with Mr. OM and hearing WW's confession, this email is a clear indicator something is still going on. And it's precisely the situation you want to avoid.

Dr. super you asked me what I wanted out of this and I was honest that I want to save my marriage. The ONLY way that can happen is if these two are separated. So I would hope that in a short amount of time (a few days) you can accomplish that. There are 2 families at stake here with three children. I have spoken with Mr. OM's wife and she too is committed to trying to save their marriage. But again the ONLY way that can happen is for these two to be separated.

My other option is to demand that WW quit her job and I so hope it does not come to that but that's what I'm willing to do to save my marriage.

Best,
BS


Email Thread:
WW: I appear to be on 3 committees, let me know which ones will be removed from my duties.

OM: You do not appear to be overworked - I am sure you can handle three committees

WW: Oh really? I'll make a note of that for my next evaluation conference.

OM: Would this be a good time to have an evaluation?

This can be construed as the OM is using his position of authority over WW.

Exactly - it's my hope that the Super does his job in separating them - I think that would be the best option.

I hope he doesn't see this and decide to let you do the dirty work. I would retract this in some way. Next time you contact him, tell him that you've been thinking about it, and you realize that OM was using his position of authority over your WW. His flagrant moral violation of his position shouldn't cause your family to financially suffer by losing WW's salary.

Keep the option in your hip pocket, but don't offer it up to the superintendant. He doesn't need to know that you'll make WW leave the job and fix the problem for him.

MM, if by separation you mean that they still both work at the same school and see each other at occasional meetings, you know that won't work, right? ARe you hoping he will fire the OM? That would be ideal, however, the responsibility for separation is your wife's. It is up to her to figure that out and she won't figure that out until you give her that condition.

She needs to know she has to end contact for life and she needs to make that happen. I fully expect her to tell you to go to hell the first time you say that, but as her affair crumbles she is going to realize you are the best option. That is why she needs to be told NOW you won't stay in this marriage unless she ends all contact for life.

MM, be a broken record. She thinks you will accept her on HER terms and she needs to be disabused of that notion now.

Got it - thanks.

Now might be a good time to hire an attorney and subpoena WW's HR personnel file from her job.

Provide the superintendant with 'motivation' ..... AKA fear.

I wouldn't have sent that "as is." While it would be nice if people cared about your marriage, your best way to set a fire under the Super/HR is to appeal to them on a legal/reputation basis. They will not want potential sexual harrassment issues...consent or not and they sure as heck don't want to be seen as tolerating adultery. Just look at the media for public outrage these days...they don't want that coming to their school...politics if nothing else. They will not want the PTA or parents finding our about the affair. Your WW is a counselor of all things.

While you can mention the moral issues and the marriages to "soften" up the tone of the letter (and I would include that myself), you don't want to not hit on the issues that will make them be concerned the most.

MoveMountains,

black_raven is right.

You might want to consider having the next communication to the school come from your lawyer. You're not a legal eagle yourself (neither am I), and you at least need someone to bounce these kinds of communications off of before you send them. A letter from your attorney, on stern-looking letterhead and "regarding the matter of MoveMountains' spouse and another employee of yours" and their potential workplace misconduct and/or abuse of authority, involving considerations of potential liabilities for favoritism, harrassment, et al. & etc., is what will cause the super to start needing a plastic seat-cover for the fancy leather chair in his office.

Schools officials don't care foremost about your marriage or your kids as such. They care foremost about running a school & not having distractions that will interfere with that or mess up their careers/livelihoods in the process. Of course, that's not our ideal of how things should be, but that's just how it is.

Google "Sidwell Friends adultery" to see what schools are afraid of & concerned about. It's not the welfare of your children or the happiness of your home. It's when lawyers get involved & the potential legal & financial liabilities are driven home to the administrators & officials (and to the supervisors/overseers of the administrators & officials) whose reputations & careers are thus placed at peril.

Wow.
Very interesting.

LINK to newspaper article from 5/12/11



Link to court document <~~~ sexual emails described paragraph 23.

If this article does not frighten the school super, what the hell will?

Wow, what a scumbag. The great harm he caused to that little girl's family. I am glad the school is being sued for such an egregious abuse of power. MM, if I were you, I would print that article up and leave it around for your wife to find. Let her take it back to the OM.

Print out the court document. (link was added while Mel was posting)
It's golden.

nice!!!

The BH is demanding a jury trial.
oooooooooooo
baby

All I have to say is wow.

YOU GO DUDE!

That screenshot of the IM'ing was on target! It shows 1)he is using preferential treatment towards your ww and 2)at the SAME TIME, it could be construed that if she doesn't put out for the OM Princip-ho, that he would give her a negative evaluation.

When exactly is her evalutation to take place. I think that it will be interesting to find out when her affair really began and when her last eval was..

You are shooting this affair down!

And maybe get that attny soon;)

You must immediately contact an attorney. You are dealing with serious legal issues with the Super. You will also have a lot more clout if he or she knows that you have engaged an attorney.
In addition, get checked for STD's. Your health and the protection of your daughter should be your number one priority right now. Good luck.

100% correct

Time to lawyer up.

You wouldn't show to a gun fight with a knife would you.

Well this supt and school board have lawyered up.

Getting an attorney to represent you AND your wife is a very Plan A action.
Be her hero.

It's a very subtle shifting of OM and your WW against you -- to you and your wife against OM and the school machine.

YES. Let the attorney do the talking. He can let them know that leaving this POS in a position of moral scholastic authority over minors would be an egregious act of neglect that would leave them open to potential further litigation.

Or lawyerly words to that affect.

Thanks everybody - will post an update in the am.

First thing I thought of, was that they worked at a high school, and the safety of the children also that are there. I was reading this thread, and peachys post matched what I thought too.

So a principal with none? Oh good that we took prayer out of schools I imagine being a counselor to teenage girls in this age, also left her open to tranferance and sympathtic emotions, that may have worn her down.

The last page is full of kudos to you, and that is rare, unless you earned them rightly, so I will believe that you are doing what is needed and have done the full exposure also, to protect the innocent, and are protecting yourself too.

Praying for you MM

Things at home are pretty calm right now. Very tense at times but calm. I�ve been able to maintain a confident, helpful persona that may not have a huge effect now but hopefully is planting the seeds for progress down the road.

The exposure phase is for the most part done. I�ve hit every influential person/organization with the message that I want nothing more than to save my marriage and the only way that has a chance of happening is for the affair to end and all contact to end forever. So now that exposure needs to do it�s thing.

I struggle with trying to reconcile what I see as three versions of my wife.
1. The Pre-A version - While things weren�t perfect, they weren�t miserable either. She was someone that I trusted completely and there was a lot of depth to our relationship. We have never had knock-down-dragout fights and I followed advice I was given during counseling before we got married. A big source of conflict before we got married was that when there was an issue I would try to fix it (talk, do things, pull info out) and what my wife really needed was space to figure it out & cool off.

2. The A version - This is where I get really hurt & angry - all the �how could she�s� just go round & round. All the things I read say that this behavior is not my fault and still I wrestle with how I could have done things differently. I do struggle whether I�ll EVER be able to get over this. I know I�m not in a position to make that decision just yet. It is clear as day how we got into this situation.

3. The Fogged Out Mad Version - This is what I�m dealing with now. The evenings seem to go ok & the mornings are full of anger from her. She is sleeping in a spare room on the floor. I suggested out be is a lot better and she said �no way - not until we figure out what we�re doing.� I suppose I�m a little concerned that her not moving out is in reaction to our daughter and as soon as she sees our daughter is going to be ok, she�ll have a legal separation ready. My efforts are to make this a great environment to live in so that at the very least our daughter is happy and WW will have good thoughts about it as she drives out the driveway should it come to that.
Each version gets processed differently in my mind even though it's the same person.

I�m not pushing for anything at the moment. Merely making suggestions occasionally.

This week I�m committed to focusing on me, my work, projects, health & well being. I have to let the exposure & the good things I�m doing at home do their thing.

What I want at this point is the opportunity to try the �text book� methods of reconciling. Everything about this predicament seems so �text-book� that I have hope that the proven steps to recovery will help us get to a much better place.

So I do have a question. After all these actions have taken place and we�re now getting to the long stretch where hopefully the drama will subside, what does a sign of hope look like? What does a crack in the armor of anger look like?

Don't talk about her moving out unless you are about to go to plan B and have come here first for advise how to do that or you W is moving out on her own impetus and you come here for how to best bid her adieu to her new quarters.

Actually, each night, invite her to sleep with you in the master suite. Just an invitation that has no expectations she will take you up on it and if she does take you up on it....be welcoming there no matter what you feel inside for now. Understand?

Part of plan A which is where you are at in MarriageBuilders right now.

MM, you are in the infancy stages of recovery right now. Your WW is at home. Sleeping on the floor, yes, but she's at home. She can't go to OM, so right now her only option is to be home. She is more than likely taking inventory of her actions and of yours. She is foggy, so she more than likely is trying to come up with options for what she should do now.

She may be trying to figure out if she can afford to live on her own. She may be trying to figure out how she can afford to move out and take DD with her. She might be kicking around how to get YOU out of the house, but keep you on the hook for paying all the bills.

She'll be going through all these scenarios because she is foggy and still in the dark of the affair. This is where your sterling Plan A will come into play. While she's examining these options and is deeming them unworkable, you're going to be showing her that her best option is to remain with you and rebuild your M.

You are doing great!! Sounds like her anger is subsiding.

The crack in the armour is when she leaves that job and ends all contact with the OM. Until that happens, this is a non-starter. MM, I cannot emphasize the importance of drilling that home at this time. Even though she says whatever, you need to be telling her there will be conditions if she is going to stay there. Let her know you will not stay in a loveless marriage, that you will not tolerate her continued contact with the OM, and that one of them has to leave the job.

Have you discussed this with her? Have you told her that this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end contact? And painted a very ugly, bleak picture where you file for grounds on adultery and seek primary custody and possession of the house?

I would also let her know that it is unrealistic to believe your DD will be ok from a divorce. That is ridiculous. Kids are never the same and she knows better.

Ask her what her plan is and discuss it with her. Open up a conversation so you can let her know what your conditions are. Let her know you will not stay in a loveless marriage and that this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end all contact with the OM. And then let her know that this will be a very ugly PUBLIC divorce that is filed on grounds of adultery.

See, she might be envisioning a fantasy divorce; that you will roll over like a dead dog and give her an easy, soft divorce and all will be bright and rosy. And that you will even be her "friend" and get along with her "for the children." That is what many waywards fantasize about. [if you are "friends" then she doesn't have to feel so guilty for screwing you and your DD over - don't let her do this] You have to let her know that you will NEVER be her "friend" [not even "for the children" ] and that the divorce will be very ugly and very public.

If the issue of parenting comes up tell her you do not believe in "co-parenting" but rather PARALLEL PARENTING where there is no contact. That is better in situtations where adultery has ruined the potential of amicable communication. [many courts are using this now because "co-parenting" is a mythological construction that causes more trauma]

I suppose I�m a little concerned that her not moving out is in reaction to our daughter and as soon as she sees our daughter is going to be ok, she�ll have a legal separation ready.

That would be one interpretation - let's call it the reaction of the "wife-goddess" that most BHs imagine their wives to be - all powerful, supremely willful and rational.

Instead, it may be that your WW is going into (albeit reluctantly) the "WTF did I do?" mode. Her reputation is slightly above a $2 crack ho in your town, POSOM is running like a scared bunny (probably coercing his BW to stand by him "for the kids"), her livelihood is very much at risk. She's not about to make separate living arrangements if her future earnings stream is so much at risk.

Let her sleep on the floor. (Occasionally, do her a solid and bring her a bagel, coffe, and the paper so she can have breakfast "on floor"!) Continue to pressure the official and unofficial powers (PTA yet?) about the cesspool of infidelity in the administration of that school. Be positive, and upbeat, and WORK THE PROGRAM.

what does a sign of hope look like? What does a crack in the armor of anger look like?

Surprisingly, Gabriel does not arrive blowing his horn. It's the little things that start adding up. Your wife NOT moving out is actually one of them.

Don't worry about keeping score. Keep working the program, and E-A-O-T-P !

It will not always be this dramatic. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself, too.

I know it sounds impossible, but try to spend a few hours putting all this heartache aside and do something for yourself.

I think you are doing great things, but burnout leads to errors, and you sounds like you have been swinging the bat 24/7. Remember your favorite thing to do? Go do that. It is a holdiay.
JMO -

blessings.

Hi Everybody,
Quite a bit of a break through yesterday. Our daughter was at a friend�s house so we had most of the afternoon alone. I took the dogs for a swim and let WW know she was welcome to come along - no expectations. She joined me & the dogs and after about 1/2 hours of playing with the dogs in the river she asked me to come sit by her. She said she�s ready to be friends but feels that�s all she can be. I let her do most of the talking & just listened and agreed.
The discussion continued at home where she expressed her feeling that she does not feel the same any more. She really likes me as a �friend� and knows we could be great friends if this marriage does not work out.

I listened and my response was that of acknowledgment and encouragement. I expressed how I still believed in us and how I thought it�s worth trying to explore these feeling further to see if there�s something still there. Not pushing but merely planting seeds.

I did discuss the NC100% to at least get that topic on the table. She was very resistant and said she needs her job to support our DD - and this is true. We do have our DD in a great place and I do want her to stay here. I want to see what the school system does, then evaluate the option. She claims the affair is over and when I asked about the email from last week she said it was a joke. I did push back on that a bit b/c it didn�t seem like a joke to me.

While the communication yesterday was calm & somewhat rational these issues were brought up:
++ She says she can�t forgive me for telling DD and she can�t forgive herself for what she�s done.

++ She feels my exposure actions were an attempt to sabotage her.

++ She wants us to be great friends if we do D for the sake of our DD. It was so hard to let her know about cutting off all communication and parallel parenting. I really need a second opinion on that and to really think it through. We do have a DD and I need to do the best thing for her.

I believe she�s somewhat open to a recovery effort & I�m not sure what the first step should be. She keeps saying �you can�t make someone feel something they don�t feel.� And yet I read all the great stories about how other women were in the same position and were able to overcome it.

Last night was very normal - hanging out at the house, dinner, etc as if it were 3 months ago. This morning was pretty normal too.

Where do I begin?

Yup - going to do that now - thanks for the push!

MM, this is exactly what I addressed above and warned you about. It makes it easier for her destroy your marriage if she believes you will be "friends" "for the children." The reason she wants to be "friends" is so that she does not feel guilty about destroying your marriage and her daughters family. The best thing for your DD is to do everything in your power to save your marriage. Going along wtih the "friends" strategy does nothting to help the marriage, but only helps her fogged out plans.

Not that she cares about your DD [she cares more about her affair] but "co-parenting" is not good for your daughter in any, way, shape or form. You don't need to be in touch with her to be a good parent.

I am very disturbed at this conversation below becuase it comes across as complacence. You are giving her the impression that you will cooperate with her intended destruction of the family, rather than fight for your marriage. Cooperating with her destructive plans with result in a destoyed marriage and comes across like you don't care very much.


This is fogbabble that we would expect from someone who just had the crackpipe taken away. You are making a serious mistake by giving it any credence whatsoever. I am confused why this was posted? We do expect a WW to be angry about exposure. That is an expectation, but their rantings should not be taken any more seriously than the babblings of a falling down drunk.


The first step is GETTING HER OUT OF THERE. There is no hope until that happens. You cannot go to Step Two until STEP ONE happens. The other WW's overcame it because their husbands fought for their marriages until all contact was ended. They did not let up. This is why I am telling you not to let up now while you have some leverage. You can't reason with a fogged out WW, the only thing you can do is get her out of there and kill this affair so she will be open to REASON.

She will not EVER FEEL anything for you until contact ends. Feelings follow ACTIONS, not the other way around. Get her out of there so it is possible for her feelings to change.

Don't let up now.

The greatest place for you daughter is in an intact home. I suspect that, if she had a choice, she would prefer to see mommy and daddy together and happy under one roof. Not to see them divorced so she can go to a 'good school'.

Your WW can get another job to help with family finances.

Let me put this another way, MM. You are endangering your marriage by placing yourself at the mercy of your WW's plan. Her plan is destruction. In order to pull this out, it has to be YOUR PLAN.

You ENABLE your wife's FOG by cooperating with her destructive plans. She needs a reality check and she doesn't seem to be gettng that from you.

It is not in your daughter's best interest to be at a school where the continued contact between her mother and her adultery partner continues. Her parent's marriage is much more imporant than that. She can adjust to a new school, she can't ever completely adjust to a destroyed family.

There is no home, school or job that is worth your marriage or your child's intact family.

Again, not a plan. There is nothing there so there is nothing to explore. But you can have something - a great marriage - if she a) ends all contact for life and b) commits to a program of recovery. A loving, passionate, romantic marriage can be created if you take these steps.

However, that is impossible as long as she works with the OM.

Tell WW that:

you do not want her as your friend post divorce

you will not be her friend post divorce

you will not tolerate your DD around the OM, so either OM leaves the district or your DD will be

you will go NC with WW if she divorces you


Also sit tight because the school board and supt are waiting for their lawyers to tell them how to hamdle OM and your WW.

This is why you must hire your own lawyer and have him write the board and CC the supt about what actions they plan on taking and hinting about a sexual harassment suit to get them to move on terminating the OM.

You want to save your marriage?

MB ain't goin' to git it done without a mouth piece. Your lawyer will know how to make them manure their pants.

You on the other hand, they see you only as an annoyance. Minor one.

MM, in my last post I opined that WW was having one of those "WTF did I do?" moments. Now, can you guess what that is immediately followed by? A series of "How do I get out of this by putting the burden on somebody else?" plans. Your WW is reading from the script, directly:

She said she�s ready to be friends but feels that�s all she can be...she expressed her feeling that she does not feel the same any more. She really likes me as a �friend� and knows we could be great friends if this marriage does not work out.

Translation - "Oh, sh!+, POSOM is turning tail and my great dream of blissful joy with him is GONE. Time to throw good old MM a bone, and see if he'll chase it. Committing to WORK HARD on rebuilding what I trashed would be an admission that it was not a star-crossed perfect romance, but merely a tawdry wham-bam with my superior, that is over. I would have to admit that MY OWN FAILURE caused this problem. If MM goes for this charade, I can reassure myself that there really WERE problems with our marriage, that were not caused by just being an easy piece of tail."

She was very resistant and said she needs her job to support our DD

Translation - "If I leave my job, I'll NEVER get to see POSOM again, and get those ENs from HIM that I should be seeking/sourcing from MM. I'll convince MM that I need THIS job, as opposed to A job, if our finances require it. And in the meantime, I'll bring the pressure to bear to convince him that my leaving this job would be HIS fault, not mine. MM will believe me because he believed me that I'd be faithful to him. Jerk!"

She says she can�t forgive me for telling DD...

"How DARE MM truthfully and accurately reveal the truth of the situation that I created, continued, and fostered!!! Doesn't he realize that here in 21st century America there ARE no standards of behavior and integrity? Where the HELL does he get off having them, or expecting them from me?"

....she can�t forgive herself for what she�s done.

"Quick, now I have to play the 'oh, pity me' card. It ALWAYS works for females, so it should work now! Oh, sh!+, I can't quite summon up enough tears! Where's the lemon juice?"

She feels my exposure actions were an attempt to sabotage her.

Well......duhhhhh!

Do NOT give her any encouragement. No backing off on NC. No talk of anything beyond recovery. Any discussion of marriage dissolution to be met with allusions to filing under infidelity, subpoenaing POSOM, all cell/email records, other members of the school faculty, etc, etc. until she'll like she's been under a road-grader for weeks.

So, in summary your attitude is "My WAY (recovery) or the Highway (road grader)!"

I side with this also, and want to add.

Its quite possible all WW wants to do is make nice, because the school board does not want to have tp pay the price for their poor judgements. Heads could roll and those heads could be talking to WW.

Then of course there is OM, the Principle with none himself,(niether principles or cohone's), and the fact he is shaking in his boots, that the larger the mess becomes with the school board, the harder his poor life will be,(AW boo-hoo).

Don't be a sucker, everything Mel said was right. She is still trying to play you, and keep you in the cooler, on her string, and useing your good nature against you, and your DD.

She has lost respect for you Sir, now go get it back. Whether you recover your marriage or not, you will need those balls she has in her purse. Who knows, maybe she will wise up, or then maybe she will work one of those webcams with the principle from thier new website when they both find themselves out of work. Either way, you need respect.

Stick to the lawyers and get your own. Defend yourself. Take them down please. You have a responsibilty to the children.

Please trust this

OM is the principal without principles.

Bravo NG, especcially the DUHHHH! comment.

Sorry MM, I know this hurts buddy, now just listen to these guys, you are in a battle for your marrige, not the popularity contest in the local paper.

We are your frinds here

Yeah, and they took prayer out of Schools...go figure

Absolutely. Add to that, your attorney might drop a line about how adultery is still considered a crime in Colorado. Not likely that he would be prosecuted, but it wouldn't hurt to mention it. A principal doesn't need an "arrest" for a moral crime on his record, even if nothing comes of it.

Please don't let up on this issue. Complete separation "for life" is the only way you're going to recover your marriage. Once OM is completely out of the picture, THEN you and your wife can begin the work to restore romantic love back to your marriage like you've never known before.

MM, you are in a very favorable position to bust this affair up. Keep up the pressure on the school board and get that chump fired.

WW is going to say stuff like, "People get divorced all the time, DD will be fine" and "we can still be friends."

If you divorce, do you want to be friends with someone who has lied to you, destroyed your family, hurt your DD, cost you your home, and made you pay for lawyers and custody coaches and financial planners?

Until recently, my crazy WXW still thought we were going to be friends. She even made a joke about living in an apartment building together, like everything was going to be all hunky dory. Well, things are not hunky dory. And they will never be hunky dory.

You have to tell her that if this goes to divorce, you are going to make it a very difficult one, and you will never speak to her again.

Her rose-colored glasses need to come off.

I don't post on here much anymore. I was in a similar situation to you. I will give you my opinion.

You have a couple of things going for you. One is you have a good hold on the OM if you go ahead and squeeze.

The only other thing you have is the threat that you will get custody of your daughter if necessary.

My XW filed for divorce after exposure and steadfastly moved down that path from day 1. Only once was there any wavering and that was when she thought I was going to fight her over custody. She pretty much told me that she would do whatever I wanted. Of course, a gun to the head concession would be worth nothing, but I suspect that is the only thing your wife fears. I am sure she has never envisioned a scenario where she would be the one on the outside.

It seems to me that you are in as good of a position that you could be in. You have the OM and his superior's attention.

I'll put it this way. You want to plan A. You also want to get a lawyer pronto. There is no plan A in court. Right now, your wife is not your friend, she is not even really your wife. She is looking for a way to have this come out like she wants.

I guess I am saying, listen to the folks here. Don't let up. Let the higher ups know that you will be satisfied. Same with your wife.

I think you have two paths. One is to push hard, stand firm and possibly save your marriage. The other is to be friendly, not cause a stink, give it time, work it out, and assure your marriage's end.

I did not do a great job in standing up, I was late to the game. I always wonder what would have happened if I'd found marriage builders earlier and what would have happened if I had been more aggressive. It could not be any worse that what happened otherwise.

Also, I am not quite sure about what your plan for NC is. It is not an option.

I will give you my experience. My wife's OM was our pastor. All I ever snooped out was that it was an EA, so I don't think I took it as seriously. This was before I came to MB. I figured since he was a pastor, etc, that he would do the right thing and stop contacting her. I kept the extent of what I knew and was reading secret and we kept attending church there. He knew that I knew some of it but not that I knew that it was still going on and to what degree. I would meet with him, talk with him email him, etc. I made him feel so guilty. Like I said, I figured it would eventually get to him. Well, it did. The problem is that it did 3 or 4 times. He would be overwhelmed, cut off contact, then in a few days or weeks, it would start back because we kept attending there. I know, pretty weird, but while I was in it and not knowing the necessity of NC, I was clueless.

You are not clueless thanks to you finding MB.

Don't let the other thing that I have seen happen fool you either. When you find MB, you feel for the first time there is hope, and there is. But I, and I think many others, directly draw the line from the beginning of hope to the desired outcome and assume it is forgone, at least to some extent. You have a plan now, but the path is very narrow and not assured. Stay on the path.

Thx for that MMM, many of us supporting are also personally recovering also

I am not surprised about your story and the pastor issue. Because you kept coming, I am sure his ego was fed

I found myself in competiion with some very seriios issues that affected my wife and family, my headship, my covering, with such the same type of issues.

Good to hear from you, and nice post

Oh dear...she gave THAT talk to you?

You take the hard line my friend. She needs a MAN to look to, her HUSBAND, a man of integrity and wisdom. Not the posom.

Her words are those of an extremely fogged out woman. She sounds as if to me, she is going to VAGUELY try to make some tiny try (like see a marriage..aka divorce..counselor?) to show she ATTEMPTED to work on the marriage but will say she feels nothing and then get the go ahead from some dumb counselor (they NEVER help btw).

She is trying to find a way in her addicts' mind to KEEP both being a mom, somehow staying at the house having YOU pay for everything sir, all the whilst porking the skanky om in the supply closet at work. She is trying to find a balance for ALL her crap, because she is IN NO WAY TRYING TO END THE AFFAIR.

She and the posom may be trying instead to DUPE the higher-ups, into thinking it is over, and that they can be "totally professional" around each other at work. That is bull hocky sir!!! That can never happen.

NC for life is the only way. Showing her a LEADER and a man who stands UP FOR HIS FAMILY (man up!) is the only way to go here.

I second the others in painting a very bleak and harsh reality for her. She needs to know that you will not tolerate your child being raised in an amoral environment with a morally loose mother, and that you would intend, if she wanted a divorce and to keep working with her affair partner, that she should in fact move out of the family home, see her daughter AT BEST every other weekend, and PAY YOU CHILD SUPPORT.

Yea. That's what I'd let her know.

In her mindset now (a drug-fueled addict) she is making no sense. OM may have dumped her (prob the reality) but she will probably want to get in some hysterical bonding and skanking with him and try to lure him back. I'd bet my bottom dollar she is pursuing him now. Reeks of it in fact. She is probably trying to tell him how they can take this under the radar.

There is always a good sign to follow when up in the Great Smoky mountains. It says, "Do not feed the bears". It only causes bodily harm and mayhem, and other bad stuff. In your case, another DANGER/WARNING sign needs to be made for you. It should read, "DO NOT LISTEN TO THE WAYWARD". Why? EQUALLY DANGEROUS and stupid. It defies logic, the things they say, and can make a normal brain explode. Remember that. Do NOT listen to the wayward.

She is in full affair mode. This thing did not end. It is being morphed. She is trying to desperately hang onto her job and onto the skanky posom who is a predator at work.

MM, to be honest, you have been stellar thus far compared to most BH, me in particular. But I get a feeling you are like most I have read. You think that it is only a matter of time now. That you have killed it. That your wife really does want your marriage to work. Right now, I would tell you that most likely the answers are no, no, and hell no.

Here is what I learned the hard way.

I think you should get the first one by now. NC is not optional. Insist on it and don't assume it is happening because of his [censored] is on the ropes. In this electronic day and time, it is easy to stay in contact. Bug and GPS her car. Make sure you have detailed access to phone records. Steal her passwords. My personal OM's whole fraudulent career was in the balance, and if I had not stolen FB passwords I would never have known it started back up. I would really be surprised if they are not already working out a plan. One thing common to a lot of OMs is that they are arrogant. They think they are smarter than everyone, especially you. You have to be smarter than them. You have the advantage, use it and don't hold back. Don't expect anyone else to do anything unless forced too.

Never under any circumstances move out unless legally forced to. That was my biggest mistake.

If necessary, file first. It will give you the momentum, at least. This may not seem right, but I wish I had, and I never wanted to end my marriage, still to this day.

Here is some of the good advice I received:

From MelodyLane
Hope is not a PLAN!
ok, Herb, I am going to tell you straight. She probably is not in love with you and hasnt been for a long time. You let your marriage die on the vine.
Do you want back the same messed up marriage that led to this? you would be crazy to want that back.
Herb, why not just do the footwork and turn the outcome over to God? It isn't going to help you to worry yourself to death. Just focus on being as pleasant as possible and don't let her upset you with her ire. This will blow over. At least now you have a CHANCE. You didn't before.

From BigKahuna
You and your marriage CAN survive your wife's anger - it cannot survive an ongoing affair.
Herb if you see every little thing as "giving you some hope" you will be an emotional wreck soon.
You have to learn not to get your validation from her. Know who you are in Christ. Be happy.

Great posts, Herb!! Good to see you back over here helping others.

Hi All - First, thank you so much for the support over these past days. This has been the most stressful, terrible time in my life. When you see your family & everything you�ve worked for & love slipping away it�s absolutely the worst. Then when the advice here seems so counter-intuitive as to accelerate the destruction of the family, the pressure is enormous.

However, I have followed your guidance and received a ton of support from a couple of really close friends and a great therapist. I�ve been as persistent as possible and pressed on even though my heart & head said stop. I�ve watched my child suffer and my wife suffer. I�ve lost weight and have a ton of sleep to catch up on (Ambien is over-rated).

So following your advice I had a serious talk with WW yesterday regarding the options. I explained the options for recovery as Mel & others have advised and I explained the tough road D would be if she wanted to forgo recovery & unplug. I am so happy to tell you that she sincerely accepted the option to get into recovery including the NC100%. She is not going to move out or file for D. I�m not popping Champagne by any means but I do feel it�s a positive development that puts us on a much better path. Neither one of could guarantee what the ultimate outcome will be but we committed to doing the recovery work to find out.

We have a lot of work ahead of us but I honestly don�t think I�d be at this point had it not been for this plan and the tremendous support I�ve received.

Freaking awesome, man.

Great news.

Stay focused though. The ship will inevitably hit choppy waters.

If theres a model to follow in the initial steps of MB it's your story.

stay aboard here and get a solid plan for recovery, I am so glad that she has come to her senses, but be aware of false recovery, right now she can't be trusted and a withdrawal period will happen........
first step in to send that NC letter out and make sure all ways of the two of them contacting each other is over, change phone #'s, delete facebook, email addresses and any other way..........
Then find out what her emotional needs are and starting filling them, be firm and loving...........
make sure boundaries are set in place..........
jessi

This is not great news.
This is not a model to follow.

Why?

Because this BH has refused to hire a lawyer. This OM and the school district need to face the consequences of a sexual harassment suit. This predator needs to be removed from his position of authority.

This really seems too good to be true. I hope it is true and just like you think it is, but believe the people here, it is not cynicism, it is experience.

Trust, but verify. Your wife probably means everything she says when she is with you and sees what she could lose. But a glimpse, a hearing of a name, etc, can set her back weeks. I hope you see that NC is imperative. I have concerns for your recovery if OM is still in the school district if your wife is. To be honest, a change of scenery for her as well would be better. But I would get that chump out.

Read Lovebusters.

Protect yourself. Trust me, waiting and reacting to her moves will put you behind the 8-ball.

Press your advantage, eliminate the enemy completely. There are many examples, Biblical and otherwise, that show this is the way to go.

Good luck. Things seem to be going well. But be ever vigilante, about watching her and about yourself as well.

MM, what is the school doing? They should have been moving on this by now. Have they talked to your WW?

Is your WW out of that school? At least on paid leave while the investigation is going on?

I can't give you any advice on recovery or emotional needs, because I have never been in one or given any. But I can at least share my experience about a WW's actions with an arrogant SOB of an OM after recovery. He doesn't want to lose. He is superior to you.

awesome...

I've been quietly reading along and want to commend you for a good fight so far.

early recovery is tough...expect setbacks (it's a rollercoaster).

I would recommend a road trip asap. getting out of town alone for a few days is key as WW is still in "escapest" mindset and "escaping" reality WITH her is a nice way to take bigger leaps in recovery and put "withdrawal" behind you. Plus...it's easier to insure "no contact" when you are out of town.

I also know you are going to be anxious to DIVE into working and talking about the relationship but realize she's NOT going to be as enthusiastic about it. It's frustrating...to say the least but you still can't "teach her". You've got to sorta maintain a plan A attitude and not be that wimpy guy who always wants to talk about the relationship. Sometimes you've got to be the guy that says "enough talking lets go have some fun". Sometimes you've got to portray confidence and cockiness (which is attractive to women) instead of hurt and sad. Essentially you are dating your wife all over again and you have a choice to either look at that with a "this sucks" attitude OR an opportunity to have some fun and perhaps instill some habits and traditions that will continue on in your relationship well into recovery and beyond.

Toughest part is knowing the right time to push recovery and the right time to coast, otherwise, wayward wife will just coast all over you if you conflict avoid too long.

Mr. Wondering

I echo Mr.W, this is a big point that I never did well at.

Practically no relationship talk. You cannot convince her by words of anything. Believe me, I tried. It hurts your cause.

What is the plan, MM?

Just read this thread...fantastic job so far.

You've got to get NC in place. She can quit her job today if she needs to, unless the OM gets fired. Alternatively, can she take a temporary leave of absence while you wait to see what happens to the OM? This might bide you some time.

We moved out of state in order to have a complete do-over. It was the best thing we ever did. I know that seems like a drastic step right now, but like I said, it was the best move we ever made.

MM

Your WW needs to take transparent, extraordinary precautions to never contact OM again. That means either he or your wife quit their job.
It means she must share every communications device and password with you without any complaint for as long as you need.
It means she will lodge her personal diary with you so you get to veto or chaperone every activity.

She will hate this but it is non-negotiable.

WS can find that pretending to agree to recover makes their BS stand down vigilance and lower personal boundaries so they can rekindle their affair.

You MUST NOT let up even 1% for a long time yet if you are to give your family a chance.

MM, you have some of the best of MB posting to you. I hope you take NC seriously. My prayers are with you.

Agree that it's non-negotiable; however have heart the the "hating it" part is only temporary.

When you begin doing the MB program and your M is better than ever, she will be eternally grateful...pinky swear.

Why not give the counseling center here a call, make an appt with Steve Harley, and then inform your W that you have an appt with a counselor who specializes in helping couples recover from an A and fall back in love?

The number for the counseling center is at the top of the page. I highly recommend this route; it does a world of good and can give you the jump start you need to get into recovery. Steve can explain to her why NC is so important and get her on-board with it.

MM, you know how a prescription info sheet will say to continue taking the medicine until it's gone, even if you feel better? Apply that principle here - you need to continue the program and snooping. Have you seen a NC letter yet? Have proof that it was sent? Until then I would consider what she is saying to you damage mitigation, she would probably say anything to you to get herself and the OM out of trouble at this point and have you STOP what you've been doing.

Stopping the affair is only the beginning, and you don't even know if you've stopped the affair yet.

I understand that you WANT to believe it's over, that you WANT to be able to trust your wife, that you WANT to believe she is sincere. Look at the signatures of some of the folks posting to you and count the number of D-Days that some of them have been through. They probably believed it was over too but kept on with the program and snooping.

MM,

Let me preface by saying, I'm not trying to bring you down. You've done great, and more than that, you've done right. It's obvious you're all-in on doing whatever you can to save your marriage. You're living up to your screen-name in exemplary fashion.

Just make sure you stay grounded in mindfulness of what you're up against. If you've read around the site, you've gathered that affairs are basically addictions. Swept up in that infatuation (which they think is "love"), even smart people do incredibly dumb things and make incredibly bad, hurtful and wong decisions. Decisions that you & (nowdays) I would consider flat-out "evil."

There is talk, and there is action. The former's worth nothing without the latter. So your WW is talking the right talk for a change. That's good, but only so far as it goes.

WSs can be incredibly mendacious. Like any addict, they'll lie & deceive their asses off without batting an eye if they're on a mission to preserve access to their fix. I sure did; when my wife expressed unhappiness with my spending time alone with OW to practice music, I lied -- I said that's all we were doing & all we were talking about, when in fact it had already gone beyond that. And my OW lied; she lied to her husband, and conspired with me to take things more "underground" on a few occasions when she feared her husband might've been getting suspicious about her and/or about us. Anyone who's survived an affair could probably relate the same sort of story.

There is of course a chance that the OM is scared sh**less and is conspiring with your W so that she'll make nice with you, in order take any bureaucratic heat off him, simply to preserve his career. Or to keep the door open for continuing the affair, or at least to resuming it at a later date. You can hope or you can fear, but you can't know right now. And she can promise, but she can't yet prove. That will take much more time.

Your W needs to prove consistently, day in & day out, week in & week-out, that she's "100%" in. It's not enough for her to just say it. So your approach needs to be (to paraphrase the old Russian proverb): Don't trust, but verify.

To put that in somewhat more concrete/practical & less wishy-washy terms, I wonder if her idea of being on-board with recovery in would include her agreeing to read through "Surviving An Affair" along with you, section by section, over the next couple of weeks, discussing each others' feelings & reactions along the way, and working all the way through it, including the extraordinary precautions, and including the emotional needs questionnaires, etc.? Might be worth a shot.

Very true and another reason to hire a lawyer and go after the OM.

Thnk you Mel & Gloveoil - I will post an update later this morning when I'm in a better location.

Hi All - Where do I begin? Today I am really, really angry. I�m not going to do anything stupid but I feel like a fog of my own has been lifted even for just a bit. Who knows what tomorrow will be.

To address some of your great comments and support:
1. @Mel WRT plan & NC 100 - I�m still working on the details of the recovery plan but I can tell you that it will be based on the MB principles. I�m on my second read of Surviving an Affair and I�ve read the first 40 pages of His Needs, Her Needs. This is something that I believe in and so does my therapist.
As for the NC, this will happen and is a work in progress at the moment. I wish our situation was as simple as flipping a switch but it�s not. I hear you & others loud and clear when you say this is a deal-breaker. I have a couple of angles that are playing out as I type this. So while this isn�t achieved 100% as I write this, I have taken steps to make this happen and am prepared to take more.

2. @Theroad - WRT an attorney - I have spoken to several attorney�s and am still looking. Between being the attorney�s being unavailable & incompetent I have not found what need... yet. I�m looking in a large city not too far from here and connected with an attorney friend today who is making a few calls as well. I really can�t say too much more about this as this is a public forum and I need to keep this aspect confidential.

3. @GloveOil - WRT being duped, trust & verify - I hear you & completely agree.

4. @mmmherb - WRT to understanding D may be an outcome & getting prepared - thanks for that advice. Everyday I am working to distance myself from the situation. Therapist, reading, running, getting sleep & doing things for myself & career- all actions to prepare. Even hired an executive coach. Today�s mostly angry mood has given me the energy to do that further.

5.@Peachyisback - WRT her being like a drug addict who will say anything to minimize the situation, etc. - Thanks for the dose of reality. I�m honestly doing things to get to 100%NC or this thing is done. I get it.

6. @maritalbliss - WRT the school - There are things underway with the school. I just can�t reveal them here yet.

7.@MrWondering - WRT getting away & not expecting much from relationship talk - We are getting away Sat. night. Thanks for the support and advice. Also I have been very, very light with relationship talk. Just trying to let the posture of recovery marinate a bit.

8. @americajin - WRT 100%NC - yes, underway & see above. I hear you guys loud & clear.

I'm into the 3rd week of this hell hole but feel somewhat grounded in that I have a plan with a deadline, great support and I have not done anything stupid I regret.

As you all know there's going to be a gap between what we read & say here and how things play out in real life. There are nuances that can't be conveyed here but I can tell you that I am committed to following your advice and I'm so appreciative of your time in thinking of me and offering help. I think of the words on this thread everyday. So far it's been by the script.

The fear mostly comes from the unknown and yet every time I've stared down the fear and just acted, it's worked. This has caused my trust & confidence to grow. Thank you for that!!!

MM, I don't want to come off wrong. I think you get it, in my time on mb I have to say that I don't remember any BH jumping right in, doing the things you have done. You have had the same objections and put them aside and listened, acted, and have gotten yourself in as good of a position as I have ever witnessed, and as good as possible, IMO. I just want you to realize that you can't let up. It looks like you get that.

My additional advice would be this. Be strong and firm in your boundaries. Don't ever apologize or even remotely show regret for anything you have done to save your family. Be above board, you are not doing anything to hide. If you remember my earlier post, in the early days of my wife's affair, I met secretly with OM, playing dumb and manipulating, honestly. It really lowered me, maybe not to their level, but you get my drift. What you are doing is honorable, no need to justify it beyond that and no need to hide it.

There is a book that gets recommended on here, Wild at Heart. In a nutshell, fighting for your wife, defending her, is what you are doing. Hopefully she will eventually see that. But the fight is honorable and worthy, and you are fighting the good fight. Keep it up.

Eradicate the enemy, totally.

MM,I have two questions for you, to make sure I know where you are in recovery:

1. Has the school interviewed your WW about this?
2. Is your WW still working with OM?

@maritalbliss -
1. Yes
2. For now - like I said, WIP on that

Boy, the venom really came out tonight. She says she hates me, doesn't respect me, is tired of this draining marriage to name a few. Said the affair is a blip on the radar of how much is wrong. She's really angry. This is so hard.

I sat and listened, took responsibility for my role, and tried to focus on our agreement that we would try recovery. She says she's only interested in recovery because the alternative is no contact with me and a parallel parenting situation.

Is this over the top? This was a brutal discussion.

Your wife will be angry as long there is no NC (=affair is still going on). I think you are listening your foggy WW too much. They all say that the affair (OM) has nothing to do with the problems in marriage.

To discuss with your WW about recovery as the affair is still going on is pointless. You have to achieve full NC, only then the real recovery can start. And only then your real wife will reveal herself again and you can have sane partner to discuss about future decisions. Avoid it right now and ignore the venom - it comes not from the mouth of your real wife, remember?

MM, Your wife's hatred and venom are not over the top for where you two are. She is angry about the loss of her fantasy affair and humiliated by the exposure. Instead of directing the anger at herself, which is where is rightly should be, and at her own disgraceful actions, she is blaming you. She is still foggy.

Once No Contact is achieved, the withdrawal from her AP can begin. That may take several weeks or a few months, and she may need AD meds to help.

Your WW has rewritten marital history so she can justify and rationalize what she has done. My FWH did the same at first. Most WS do that.

Although some WW express remorse, Dr. H. states in SAA that many do not. In any case, remorse or not, the focus is on rebuilding the marriage.

No Contact is a must for this to occur.

What you have achieved so far, sir, is admirable and courageous. You are fighting for your family and your marriage. Take care of your health especially during these times. As you say, yes, indeed, brutal....

This is a key point MM. Stick to your guns on this. My thought is you both share a strong connection to initimate conversation. By her telling you this is a great sign your marriage can recover.

No Contact has to be in place. Otherwise as time moves on and she stays foggy she will work really hard to get you to cave to a friendly divorce and coparenting. It happens all the time with WW.

Just let all her anger and fogbabbly roll off your shoulders. When she speaks fog assume she is high as a kite and nothing out of her mouth is truth.

Thank you - today is as bad as D-Day. Your encouragement is so helpful.

This is great! And it tells me you have really, really inflicted a huge blow on the affair. That is exactly what you needed to do! She is the falling down drunk who just got cut off at the bar. When she sobers up she will thank you for killing her affair. Don't let her comments about the affair being a "blip on the radar..." blah, blah, blah..... bother you a bit. that is like saying the Titanic sinking is just a blip on the radar of other boat problems. Like the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom.

You just keep to the course and don't pay any attention to anything she says, other than her committment to YOUR PLAN. Your plan is IRON CLAD and immovable:

1. NO CONTACT FOR LIFE

2. COMMIT TO A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY

Don't let anything distract you.


And whatever you do, DO NOT apologize for exposure. She is looking for ways to demonize you, so don't hand her that bullet!

Don't despair, MM. You are doing a fabulous job and things are going just as expected. Your wife is furious becuase you ruined her affair. That is a good reason for her to be furious because it means you can now save your marriage!!

Keep up the good work, soldier, and do not allow yourself to be daunted for a minute by the shock and awe. It is all coming together. You are walking out of the storm with your wife and daughter on your back.

MM,

Good work, really.

Mel and MB were a great resource when I finally, finally exposed (I can't believe I hesitated), and talked me through the aftermath...taught me to observe her reaction -- the more angry, the better, as it would be a direct correlation to the damage to the A.

They were 100% correct. My wife FREAKED for about a weekend -- which included a phonecall to ME from OMs mommy -- and you know what?

By Monday it was over, and a line in the sand had been drawn going forward -- who would be pro-marriage, pro-family, who wasn't, and then brought clarity to what decsions needed to be made once that was established, publicly.

It's a rollercoaster, but one that doesn't even begin until exposure occurs....I only regret i hadn't waited so long...

Hang in there!

Cannot possibly be.

You have done everything within your power since dday to straighten this mess out. You are experiencing the clean-up of the tsunami your marriage faced by the doings of a (temporarily) insane person. Not qualified to diagnose but Im sure it fits. The cleanup will take a long time considering the level fogginess your wife is in.

The elephant in the room is the fact that your wife is seeing, even worse, reporting to OM still. Until this ends, yes, you will have days where they stink like dday.

Hold your ground and end the contact. Youre helpless without the NC established.

Her anger will wear off. Her fog will wear off if you get her away from the OM. And when that happens, we can help you use this plan to transform your marriage. If you just get her positioned, this CAN be saved. I know you can't see that because you in a forest fire right now, but what I see is you slowly, but surely WALKING OUT WITH YOUR FAMILY ON YOUR BACK. Don't get distracted by her venom and don't let anything stop you. Stay on your path.

p.s. since she has agreed to recovery, I would start working out a plan right now. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, please get 2 copies [they sell them cheap on this website] and get a Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook. That workbook has all the worksheets in it and it is invaluable.

The book has a plan for recovery in it. You can give her the second copy and ask her to start reading it. Once she gets out of there, we can help you with the program.

My H and I went through the actual course when they held it at a hotel. [they would do the presentation at the hotel and then we would do the lessons over a years time with the guidance of our coach] Now they do that online. They assign you a coach and give you daily access to Dr Harley. But if you are dedicated and methodical, you can do it yourself out of the books.

I know I know, I'm a pretty emotional guy, but Mel, your post brought tears to my eyes

All true too
Take no prisoners in this attack, do not negotiate with the enemy, eradicate all of the lies and deciet

You only live once and she is worth it right?

I stayed totally calm all weekend despite jabs & total lack of courtesy from her. I simply ignored all of the small attacks.

This week I am working on the NC. I have a few pressure points from an attorney to communicate with the superintendent, we have a counseling session later this week and some friends.

I do realize the importance of this. I think at first I viewed the NC as the right thing to do, now I realize it is essential.

What's troubling to me is she seems to be in a pretty good position. She's still at home, is available for our daughter, has her job & her husband is being GREAT and she gets to sleep in a separate room. Ugh.

My thought is to try to get some leverage from our therapist re: NC.
Thanks again for your support!

MM, and what if the "therapist" says it doesn't matter if she stays in contact? Then you are done and will have a much harder time demanding NC. Most therapists are destructive to marriages in an affair, did you know that? It is because they don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and even less understanding of the dynamics of adultery.

MM, your leverage has to come FROM YOU. Why is your wife sitting there doing nothing? Has she turned in her resignation? Does she ever understand that this is not negotiable? *YOU* need to put a fire under her [censored] and tell her what I told you. Tell her there will be no platonic marriage where she lives happily in the guest room and goes to see her lover every day. You need to disabuse her of that notion NOW.

OK, my "therapist shpiel", worthless as breasts on a bull, if you will.

Went to one post dday on 2 occasions. In order for me to overcome the thoughts of my wife being with someone else, I should "claim" a certain type of sex as 'mine'. Something OM never did with my wife. Yes, I was to tell my wife I demand it to heal. This was his advice.

Never went back.

If staying the marriage or otherwise is the result, I dont think you can find better advice than on here.

Tread lightly with the MC, in my opinion.

Yes what Mel and Mike said is correct. No partial marriage, all or nothing, even the woman who thinks she is the wildest sexual woman in the world knows when she is dominated, and the man not afraid to do it has the largest set hanging off him.

OM is the neighbors dog..


Clank Clank my friend, go tear down this abomination and bring he11 with you. She is thinking with her wrong head if you know what I mean.

God will honor it, especially because you have the guts to expose.

Lose the therapist.

Keep up the good work.

Just a quick update - my therapist is in total support of 100% NC. He's a good guy and supports everything said here. It's helpful to me to have you guys and him.

Good to hear. Is WW quitting her job yet? Hope the hammer is coming down on this

Hi All,
Here�s what�s going on. The first therapy session last Friday was somewhat helpful but it did open some wounds. She has so much anger towards me and said the reason she�s in therapy is because I gave her the ultimatum that I�d leave her 100% with no contact & a parallel parenting plan, etc.
However well into the session the therapist did ask if she was �done, done� or just �done with the way things were?� and she responded with �done with the way things were.� So I don�t think it knocked us back but I�m not sure it moved us forward either. It did help my therapist better understand what�s going on & what I�m going through.

Here�s what I�m struggling with: I wish life could conform to a template but sometimes it can�t. Her job thing is really complicated on a number of levels. From present implications to future implications to the support of out family and if it comes to divorce, the support of out daughter. I was so hoping the school district would separate them but that�s not going to happen. They view the matter as completely private between two individuals and it�s none of their concern. They have reassigned her evaluator, they know what�s going on and have told them they are watching, etc.
I know with respect to the MB approach this isn�t good but I�m really stuck between a rock & a hard place. I know 100% in my gut if I demand she change/quit her job, she�ll walk. This is so hard - You guys say �I�m damned if I don�t� and I feel like I�m damned if I do. This is where the life/template conflict comes in. I feel like there is hope in that she hasn�t moved out, hasn�t filed, let�s me check email, etc. I just know she�s not willing to give up her job and that her issue is with the state of our marriage, not the OM. (I know you�re going to come down on me Mel...)

So to change gears for a second, I had a thought today that maybe the scope of �working on the marriage� is too big at this juncture (therapists says our outlook is �bleak�). My thought was to reduce the scope to working on �communication & trust� first - two things we�re going to need (at some level) no matter the outcome. The purpose would be to get some traction going with positive communication without being overwhelmed with the hugeness of the �marriage� - just for now, again, to get us talking. The path would essentially be the same but the rephrasing would be different. She�s taken a beating over the past few weeks with exposure, etc. and I�m just trying to consider how this whole thing can be approached in a way that causes her to respond.

Personally, I�m kind of a wreck. My emotions are still all over the place - anger, devastation, low-self esteem and constant preoccupation with the future. I did go visit some friends for a few days which was good, I am exercising regularly and paying attention to hydration & nutrition (could be better). I�m not drinking at all and getting 5-6 hrs of sleep with the help of Ambien.

I am a saint at home (extremely hard) and do kind things for her and let her comments go.
She is showing a lot of ambivalence - cutting words one minute, a hug 20 min later. A kind txt message followed by a terse phone conversation an hour later.

Thank you again for your support.

Start working on the custody arrangements

I think you might be very surprised at her reaction if you do give her an ultimatum. And keep in mind you have nothing to lose and everything to gain at this point. You have already lost her but don't seem to understand that. If you want to get her back she has to leave the job.

Because you have already lost at this point. You see hope where there is none. I understand many men are afraid of losing their wives if they give them this ultimatum, and are always shocked when their wives end up leaving the job. Oh sure, they [censored] and moan for a couple of days, but when they see he is serious, they leave the job.

Just let me assure you that if she does choose the job over you, you have lost nothing because this is going to divorce anyway. You can take the slow boat or the fast boat. You have already lost her. If you want to get her back she has to leave the job.

I am sorry to be so hopeless about the path you have taken, but I have good reason to be hopeless. I have been here for 10 years and have never seen a marriage recover this way. It is impossible. Neither has Dr Harley in his experience. What will happen is that the affair will be on again, off again for years and you will die a death of a thousand cuts. You think you are wreck now? Just wait after a few more weeks of this torture. If you are going to get divorced anyway, you might as well do it NOW and avoid years of holy hell.

But you do have a chance to pull this out if you give her an ultimatum. Like I said, you have nothing to lose.



This is a waste of your time. It is the equivalent of trying to learn new things with a falling down drunk. You have to take the FIRST STEP and that is to sober up the drunk. Your wife will not be sober until she leaves that job so all this "communication" stuff is a big waste. You have to STEP ONE before you can do step TEN.


This will get worse with time as you see her go off to work with her lover every day and your marriage continues to disintegrate. Can you get on some powerful anti-depressants?

MM, I am an optimist by nature, but I am just telling you this is hopeless. Sorry.

Do you have a good attorney? I assure you that you will need one.

It is alarming to me that you will accept her prioritizing of her job over you and your daughter.

No big surprise there. My high school principal was going skin-to-skin with the guidance counselor. It was common knowledge all the way up to the superintendant. They divorced their spouses and married each other. I don't know what happened to them after I graduated, but word on the street was that he was chasing after one of the younger science teachers. Ah, well.

Why does your therapist say this? Because your WW refuses to leave the job where OM is?

You're not going to get the response you're looking for as long as they are in contact. She is unlikely to defog under those circumstances.

How do you think you'll be with sending her off to work every day, knowing OM is there? Are you ready to process that kind of emotional distress?

Funny that your therapist thinks your outlook is bleak. I thought you were well on your way until you said she wasn't leaving the job. That's why I'm wondering if she's feeling the same way about the continued contact.

MM,

Sorry that you have to endure more pain, but have you done all you can to get OM fired?

Have you exposed to OM children? His parents, his brothers and sisters, everyone in his world who matters?

I know in the past I was dumb enough to let my gf/wife continue to work with OM2, and as a result we still haven't healed after 20+ years. The recovery became gaussian with tails out to infinity because I didn't truncate it when I should have.

God Bless
Gamma

I'd call the local newspaper. Liven up the next school board meeting. If it's public, it won't be so 'private' anymore.

He won't do it, GO. His WW will get mad at him if he causes her to lose her job.

Why why why are you letting this happen?

did you read the thread the other day about the importance of men "manning up"? Didya?

Have you met THIS guy?



This guy would have NO PROBLEM putting OM and his friends and family in his exposure crosshairs. He would expose and pull that trigger with ease, possibly whilst sipping a cup of earl grey tea...or having a martini, shaken not stirred.

That guy IS NEVER shaken or stirred btw. He is unafraid of a waffle-y wayward wife. He is especially unafraid of a msyognist lying, laughable piece of manhood such as the posom/principal.

This guy would come home looking great and smelling great, pack his gym bag, give the ww a smoldering look while meeting some emotional needs, and tell her he's headed off to the gym and will come back when he damn well feels like it. He'd also not enable her nor would he GROVEL, WHINE, CRY, OR SHOW EMOTION that he is weak or that she is in a position of power over him. That'd never happen with him.

You see, I have a good friend IRL, who basically pretended he was THIS guy and used MB (esp part B) principles to win his divorced (yea they had even divorced) ww back. In fact, he got so good at BEING this type of guy, that he actually liked his life in plan B, believe it or not.

I'm giving you one more pep talk before you ask that counselor for the name of a good attorney. She is already halfway out the door dude. Seriously. And that guy? Do you ever want him around your kids? Do you think he's a predator? Are you going to seriously just cower in the corner doing nothing while he's doing..um well I will stop here.

Every day when she goes to work at school, you will wonder. Every day if she mists on perfume before work, you will wonder. Every day you will daydream about her having lunch with him, or long conferences in his office alone. YOU WILL WONDER..unless you put this to bed for good and make sure she quits her job.

Mr. Bond would NEVER allow such covert operations to go on in front of him or behind his back. Sure, he's dealt with some wild wayward double agent ladies before, and he's had them turn on him, but he would always get to the bottom of a situation and stop the evil doers in their tracks. You know what you need to do. And you do not need a therapist to do it for you.

If you don't do this, get an attorney on speed dial, find a good psychologist for all the antidepressants you'll need, and start putting "his" or "hers" on different pieces of furniture. Doing that makes it easier when you divide the assets.

Heck, I wouldn't even do it, and I'm just a wimpy little gurl!

I STILL feel like going across town and snapping some necks when I think of how Bond would act.

Listen, Mel is right, death of a 1000 cuts, slow and sure and it will be like every bit of manhood is stripped away.

Please for yourself and claritys sake, tell her leave the job, or you are gone, not negotiable.

This compromising of what you know is the right thing will do more damage to your family and finances than you realize.

I also see a lot of benifets in furthur exposure, and feel you are being fooled into believing your doing the,"Aw, lets just put a bandaid on this infection", because the School Dept wants it that way, as I feared at the outset.

I would have the Earl Grey BTW Peachy...


You have a chance to expose a major malfunction in the system that is responsible for teaching our children, and you are afraid to do it because your WW will cut you off furthur from her affection....take em out of her purse, take a look at em, their getting shrunken like a witch doctors charm bracelet now.

Please grab yourself by the short ones and realize this doubletalk and voodoo is going to ruin you, your marriage, and a lot of childrens lives, and ask yourself if getting it off with your W a few more times in an uncomfortable touchy relationship is worth it compared to that.

Oh, I know, "What happens between two people"...

I was so hoping the school district would separate them but that�s not going to happen.

You were "hoping"? That's it?????? Now is the time to end "hoping" and start "forcing"! I promised you I'd start giving you the tips on fighting dirty if necessary. This seems like a good place to start.

1) If you don't have access to a full-size van, rent one for a week. Paint the following message on two sheets (to be taped one on each side of the van):
The principal of this school has been having extra-marital SEX with one of the faculty. Ensure your chldren understand this is behavior acceptable to your school board.
Drive the van back and forth in front of the school at drop-off and pick-up times, sounding the horn occasionally. If possible, park it on the street near the school all day. Have your local reporter on speed dial in case the police are called. If they order you to leave, do so (with pictures). Come back the next day. (Of course, NG would name his WW after the word "faculty", but not everyone is as reckless as he.)
2) Call your State Department of Education with your story, making claims of financial improprieties (conference trips?) as they occur to you. School Boards and Superintendents LOVE to have interaction with State agencies in matters of this nature, whether they lead to intervention or not.

She is showing a lot of ambivalence - cutting words one minute, a hug 20 min later. A kind txt message followed by a terse phone conversation an hour later.

You're being "played" like a trout on her line, MM...

Personally, I�m kind of a wreck.

...and this is the result.

If you're not willing to go "all in" during this struggle, then at least change your thread-title to:

Wife Had an Affair - Here to whine about it

Yep. That how we've seen this for awhile now.

Scorched earth should be in effect. If the board wants sexual impropriety in their management ranks you should make sure their constitutents are made aware of it.

This woman sounds she's not too torn up over this whole thing.

She's playing you like a fiddle.

She got you walking around on egg shells waiting for a hug. I will tell you this, if my wife didn't snap to after what you have done it's time to get make her less comfortable. For starters , she quits that job or you're leaving. Subtle? No.

Be ready to go because you nothing have over there. She has failed at job number one in saving your marriage by reporting to work where her boyfriend is also her boss.

you can't expect any satisfactory outcomes when she gets a fresh dose of OM every morning. Pack your stuff. sorry.

See,the right thing, or should I say, the naturally right thing, is to go over and beat the crap out of the principal with no principals.

BUT Society has made us so tame with our jumping the fence for each others wifes, that it is almost an expected thing.


A Close friend of mine was appalled when he heard a pastor at a rightwing fundmentalist church, comment on a woman passing by, saying,"Just look at the azz on that!" ?????

Yeah I wonder what he was teaching, and why. Was he trying to impress the boys?

But this Principal, What is he gonna pull a Bill Clinton? "It all depends on what your definition of the word is....is..."

I understand this could upset your wife and she could lose her job, but bowing to this and giving it some kind of cute name like "indescretion" is just an insult again to the profession of teaching.

Of course you wouldn't catch the principal in the local bluecollar bars picking up someones pizzed off wife, because he counts on his women having "understanding" men at home, who won't just kick his azz and ask questions later, like, "Is that your ear I bit off over there?"

I am sure Prince scopes out his victims well, and makes sure they wont cause to much trouble, and can be controlled. Because he is screwwing you while he screws your WW.

Time to get pizzed off or pizzed on.

MM, do you believe that your WW should be in the position of counseling children?

We've been doing a lot of Principal-bashing. He didn't operate alone - there's an unremorseful WW in the mix, here.

For legal reasons, I would avoid the idea of the van in the schoolyard (although you get extra credit from me for creativity, NG! High five!)

Best that she just GET out. Of that job.

Mel, and all the others, don't have a dog in this fight. They are telling you what they have seen and experienced over the years.

People they have seen that followed the plan laid out and their marriage recovered = some

People that followed your plan and recovered = zero

I think you are confusing recovery with staying married. They are not the same.

Your experience is similar to mine in a lot of ways. You see it that you are avoiding forcing the issue as a good thing. She sees it as a hammer you could drop at anytime, that any change or concession she makes is coerced blackmail. Take it from me, I know. She will resent you more and more. Probably eventually file for divorce and have you removed from the house. You will just have to react and your fate is assured.

You need to destroy the fantasy, destroy the affair, then hopefully rebuild from the ashes. She has already destroyed your marriage, what it was is never going to come again. But it can be rebuilt from the ground up and actually shored up in the weak areas. But you can't used the old marriage to build it.

You are missing the same point I did. You think there is something to salvage. It needs to be bulldozed and rebuilt. There is still a chance, but IMO it is less now than a couple of weeks ago, and will just get worse.

Or, do it your way. We care, but can't make you. Maybe you will be the first.

I predict a stark aloneness in your wife's future.

Unless of course she wants to share the principal with his wife. Unlikely.

You have given her ample time to decide if she wants you or him.

When she heads to school for work everyday, she makes her choice known clearly. When she comes home you are there and she gets the best of all worlds. You get the shaft.

Maybe she should learn what life is like without Move Mountains.

If she values her job so damn much then why did she have an affair with the principal??? She knew she was risking her job, and so did he. But they did it anyway. Probably in the janitor's closet. And they got caught.

Demand your wife quit. Get a lawyer and go after this guy. Fight for your family. Fight for your kid. Fight for yourself.

Where is that bar you set? Oh I see it waaaaay down there....

MM, you are in the drivers seat for you, your family and even for saving your WW. Please take that wheel. DO NOT LET HER INTIMIDATE YOU!

Look at the italicized script - what does it say? Everytime you've followed our advice it has worked for you, has it not?

Your WW has been acting like countless WWs before her, they ALL say and do the same things, so much so that I would wonder how much it bothers them after they come out of the fog to understand how cheap and common their actions really were.

You've stopped taking your prescription, MM. Slowly the disease symptoms will begin to reappear. You're starting to let doubt creep in, but have we been wrong yet? You said this just a week ago - What has changed since then? Nothing, right?

Your wife has given the old saw about being friends and having a great time coparenting - we call that the "fantasy divorce". See, if you are "friends" then it will assuage her guilt over what she is doing, see, it's not that bad, we are "friends". What a load of [censored] that is, but they hold onto that hope, and when you dash the idea, it blows the last vestiges of their justification out of the water. My affair wasn't right, my husband isn't what I portrayed him to be, and my fantasy plan isn't going like I thought it would. All that's left is for the OM to throw her under the bus to save his marriage, and the cycle will be complete and she will only then begin to realize what hse has done, only then will the fog begin to lift.

What will it take to bring it to that point? You must be RESOLUTE, MM, you must follow the advice with conviction, firm and uncompromising in your efforts to kill the affair and build a new marriage. You're worried about your wife's job? I'd be more concerned with your marriage. Some have found it necessary to pack up and move, MM, to start anew without any contact. For you, it may come to that.

This quote is from your first post here. She hasn't left.

Why are you now going soft and giving up control of your life?

...avoid the idea of the van in the schoolyard...

Subtle misunderstanding here, MB.

Drive the van back and forth in front of the school at drop-off and pick-up times, sounding the horn occasionally. If possible, park it on the street near the school all day.

School yard = school district property = BAD IDEA
Street in front of school = public access = GOOD IDEA

Creativity is NOTHING without a healthy dose of self-protection!

Ah, yes, so true. The devil's in the details!

MM --

Have you ever heard the phrase "do not negotiate with terrorists?" Because that is what a wayward wife is.
She will threaten and make demands.
You have to stand your ground. It is really crucial that you not let her disrespect you right now.

Women don't love men they don't respect. You cannot cave in to her right now.

Thanks for the dose of reality and the words of encouragement. This is what I have to do. It is so hard.

I am having my attorney draw up the papers now so they are at the ready. If she says no, it's in my interests to file first and I need to be ready to accept either outcome of the ultimatum. This will take a few days to get ready.

You are doing the right thing, MM. You have nothing to lose except a life of hell on a slow train to divorce. I predict what will happen is at first she will rant, rave, scream, try to kick you out to see if she can successfully intimidate you. Then when she sees you aren't backing down, she will come back in 2-3 days and say "ok, you [censored], I will do it, but I am not happy!!!"

And then you have a CHANCE. Because once the fog wears off after she gets out of there, she will appreciate that you stood up for your marriage. THEN recovery can begin.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Thanks Mel

MM --
Be sure to speak with your attorney about filing a suit against the school district. Hopefully they could find some grounds to create a lawsuit. School districts do not like lawsuits...
They do not even like the threat of lawsuits.

By the way, did you expose OM any further than his very passive wife? Co-workers? Other principal-buddies? His parents?

I am going to drag you across the finish line if I have to kill you, my friend!! Listen, know this is tough. You have come SO FAR. You are walking out of the burning forest with your family on your back. Keep walking until you are out!! I know you can do it!!

I know it is hard.

Look at it like this. I guarantee that it has never crossed her mind that you would file, that she could possibly be on the outside looking in. That will be a dose of reality for her.

I really think it will be important for you to be in control and for her to react, to have the discomfort.

Start thinking about Plan B, not necessarily because you are going to enact it soon, but to get your head around what it is.

I think every BS that hears about Plan B initially looks at it as a ploy in the process of getting their spouse back. It can contribute to that, it is mostly about removing the BS from the day to day turmoil. I was just like all others and was initially disappointed by my wife's non-reaction in my eyes, but eventually it started having the affect it is intended to have.

I was doing Plan B after I had to move, so my wife didn't have to change anything really. If you are in the home with the children (child, I can't remember), then her discomfort will be infinitely greater. She would have to be very stubborn and hell bent to keep things up. She may be, but you can't enable that.

I am not saying to start Plan B, just to understand it.

WAY TO MAN UP!! You scared us a bit. You were on top of things and then made the mistake of listening to your WW. You are going to have to let what she threatens, rants, raves and screams roll off your back. You might want to carry a VAR around in your pocket so she can't try accuse you of anything to get you thrown out of the house.

Whew! Thought we'd lost you there, for a minute.

Sometimes, as heartbreaking as it is, people do things that forgiving them for and putting them in the past just make matters worse.

With this level of subterfuge and lieing, it might just take a miracle for a healthy marriage recovery.

Make sure its the individuals who perpetrated the deeds, that are the ones on their knees, seeking repentantnce, not you, the victim.

Its the only way back that can lead to peace, and it will not kill them, it may just save them from a lat of heartache.

Thank you for being an honest stand up human being.

I am having my attorney draw up the papers now...This will take a few days to get ready.

This last update was over a week ago, MM. What has been going on in your situation since then?

Still here - things are taking longer than expected along with a few work issues. Still on track.