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MoveMountains, if you have adequate proof of the affair, then why would you "expose" to the other man, but not expose the affair to his wife? She is perhaps the one other person in the world who most shares your interest in kiling the affair, who is in best position to monitor his behavior, and as such is potentially your best ally in kiling the affair.
"Exposing" to the OM accomplishes nothing. He already knew he was having an affair with your wife, so what was "exposed"? All that did was tip him off that you're onto him & give him more time to spin his story -- maybe he can convince his wife that you're making it all up, that your wife is out to harass him & undermine his career or some such cover story. So your burden of proof will be higher when you finally do tell her.
And as other posters have suggested, there's no morality worthy of the name, under which you can cover the affair up from the other party who's most injured by it and pass it off to yourself as the decent thing to do. What if the shoes were on the other feet and she had knowledge (but you didn't) that your wife was in an affair with her husband? If she concealed that from you, would that be OK with you, as long as you were unaware? I'm sure your answer is "No."
So given the above, you know what you need to do.
Affairs thrive in the dark of under secrecy. Most of them quickly wither & die under the light of truth.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I know her well enough that if I told her she would have to quit her job to save the marriage, she'd leave. But, you already told her she's free to leave and she didn't go. ? Read the title you gave your thread again. Do you mean it, or did that just sound like a nifty kind of title for a thread on this site? Because it doesn't sound to me like you're interested in saving your family at all. This A could be easily killed. Your main tool has already been stongly suggested to you: expose to the hound-dog's wife! Expose this POS to his employer! In my sitch, after my former wayward husband was exposed to his employer and to me he couldn't dump his co-worker/AP fast enough! He was thankful he was busted, can you imagine? He was thankful the OWH exposed them, MoveMountains. Because he didn't know how to end it on his own! He couldn't make no contact stick! I think the part you really don't want to hear is that she will have to leave that job. She will. Of course, if OM's wife knows, OM may suddenly be transferred. Or may suddenly move to another area. You're totally discounting the strength of exposure to the other betrayed spouse! You sound paralyzed by fear, MoveMountains. Lose that. It will not serve you in killing this affair, and may well be your only company after WW and OM decide to dump their spouses and be together permanently.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Thank you all for the encouragement. I did talk to the OMW today and he had told her it was a simple emotional affair with maybe too much texting and that he wants to work on the marriage. I gave her the proof and now she is beginning to see the light. Then I find a terrible email from him in her work email today.
The school district is next. God help me...
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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Thank you all for the encouragement. I did talk to the OMW today and he had told her it was a simple emotional affair with maybe too much texting and that he wants to work on the marriage. I gave her the proof and now she is beginning to see the light. Then I find a terrible email from him in her work email today.
The school district is next. God help me... Good job, MM! Prayers for you. You are doing the right thing for your marriage, my good friend. What did the email say? And did you save a copy in a safe place for others, ie: his wife?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. be prepared for your wife to go ballistic when she finds out you exposed to the OMW. She will threaten you and say things like "I was going to give you a chance, now I'm not..." "you are vindictive..." blah, blah, blah, yip and yap...
Do not allow this to disturb you!! Just expect it and you won't be disapppointed. Just realize you are dealing with the equivalent of a falling down drunk who has just had his booze taken away. She is out of her mind and is high on the addiction of the affair.
Just tell her "I am so sorry you are upset, but I felt I should spread the news! Can I get you a drink, dear? :)"
Don't fight, don't try to reason with her and don't burst out laughing. Just leave the room and be as polite as possible. It will blow over!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok - Just emailed the school super
God this hurts
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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Mel is dead-on (yet again!) with her prescience into WW's likely reaction. Now, get yourself a mini-audio recorder, and have it ready to record EVERY interface you and she will have after exposure. It will take her no trouble to call 911 in the middle of an argument, scream "spousal abuse" to the moronic responding officers, and you'll find yourself hauled off for no reason and slapped with a restraining order, because that's all they can think to do.
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Email:
This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your School District�s Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.
My wife WS, job title and the Principle OM are involved in an extramarital affair. Mr OM is WS�s boss and evaluator and all evidence points to this affair beginning on the School District trip to XX in June.
I have plenty of evidence to prove this including text messages, text records a recorded conversation with Mr. OM.
If you have any questions, please call me at 123-4567. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.
Regards,
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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Ok - Just emailed the school super
God this hurts Be sure and email another 2-3 officials and put a cc on the email. If you just send it to one person, that person might be tempted to just ignore your email. Sending it to 3-4 ppl ensures that official action is taken in response to your email and no one gives into the temptation to sweep it under the rug. I know it hurts, MM. You are doing the right thing for your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She is the counselor and he is the principal at a school - sheez.
Yes I get the whole NC thing and in total support but we have circumstances that make this complicated. We live in a very small town & getting a new job would be impossible. More than likely she would have to move and I fear she would take our child. The local media eat this stuff up - there's not much going on.
So I'm just trying to really really think this through.
I know her well enough that if I told her she would have to quit her job to save the marriage, she'd leave.
When they're sneaking around carrying on their affair, inside the little fantasy snowglobe they've created, it's all romantic & cozy. But after you expose this at the workplace, he'll be an unemployed, largely unemployable bum. That sure cuts down on the unlimited-texting plans and the gifts and the hotel rooms. He won't be looking so hot to your wife then. That's when there'll be a chance to have the fog start clearing & to possibly save the marriage.
Now, there's no guarantee it'll save your marriage; but if you don't follow through on exposure & let your marriage continue to bleed & let the affair remain undead, then it's guaranteed that your marriage will die.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Ok - Just emailed the school super
God this hurts
Be brave, man. This has got to be hard, but it's what you've got to do to bust this up.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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OK - Just CC'd 2 board members...
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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From my own personal story thread.....
Ahh, yes, the American, or at least, New York State, public education system � more destructive to the marriages of the employees thereof than Facebook. An insular community, with a female/male ratio of maybe 10-to-1, dominated by an �us-against-them� mentality, where growth in performance expertise is most usually achieved via the �mentor� system, and where �administration� is abjectly terrified of risking the Union�s displeasure by imposing discipline and standards of conduct � can there be a system more conducive to fostering inappropriate attachments? A teacher-friend told me that any male teacher, who doesn�t get something going on the side with one of the female teachers, has to be gay. His words, folks, not mine! But, check out the divorce and remarried-to-coworker rates at your local school system.
A year ago I raised this issue on this site and got HAMMERED by teacher BWs who took my blighted opinions of the system as attacks on them personally. The system is infidelity-friendly, and no one - NO ONE - will dare raise a voice to say so.
Except, evidently, NeverGuessed. And now, sadly, maybe MoveMountains?
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OK - Just CC'd 2 board members... Good job! Are there any other key people in your lives to whom you can expose? What about any close friends or family of your wife? The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable and possibly get through to her. You want them all to be speaking to her about her affair. Have you been able to explain this to your daughter yet? I would get all your exposures out of the way as soon as possible. Get this part done NOW so you get your money's worth out of ticking her off and move onto the next step. Prepare for all hell to break loose for a couple of days. Your wife will be furious and will make lots of threats. Just expect it and be as pleasant as possible.  When you speak to her, be a broken record: 1. you must end all contact with the OM for life, even if that means leaving the job [I suspect Gloveoil is correct, though, and the OM will be fired but your wife's reputation will still be ruined so you might want to point that out and suggest moving to another town] 2. I love you but I will not tolerate any continued contact with the OM Just stick to that for the next few days and after this settles down, you need to have this discussion with her: Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested: 1. never see or speak to the OM again FOR LIFE - send him a no contact letter 2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc 3. no more opposite sex friendships 4. complete honesty about her affair � passing a polygraph 5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you everybody - I just emailed the OW more ammo for her to use. I really appreciate the kid thing but I'm super sensitive about it but will do the best thing.
I'm thinking of Ke$ha - "This place is gonna blooooowwwww!"
Expose to the fullest. I just hope the OM doesn't have a gun.
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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Should I tell my wife what I just did?
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Thank you everybody - I just emailed the OW more ammo for her to use. I really appreciate the kid thing but I'm super sensitive about it but will do the best thing.
I'm thinking of Ke$ha - "This place is gonna blooooowwwww!"
Expose to the fullest. I just hope the OM doesn't have a gun. The OM had better hope you don't have a gun and he had better watch his P's and Q's, because HELL is coming his way. He has much, much more to fear than you. Good job on emailing the OMW more info! Check this out: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. 2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should I tell my wife what I just did? Nope! Let her be blindsided at work tomorrow.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you everybody - everything is on the table. NO holding back, I have nothing to lose. Thanks for helping me see the light.
Last edited by MoveMountains; 08/31/11 09:59 PM.
Me: 44
She: 38
Married: 11yrs
Children: 8yo daughter
Length of Affair: 6 weeks PA
Currently Plan A
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