Don't talk about her moving out unless you are about to go to plan B and have come here first for advise how to do that or you W is moving out on her own impetus and you come here for how to best bid her adieu to her new quarters.

Actually, each night, invite her to sleep with you in the master suite. Just an invitation that has no expectations she will take you up on it and if she does take you up on it....be welcoming there no matter what you feel inside for now. Understand?

Part of plan A which is where you are at in MarriageBuilders right now.

MM, you are in the infancy stages of recovery right now. Your WW is at home. Sleeping on the floor, yes, but she's at home. She can't go to OM, so right now her only option is to be home. She is more than likely taking inventory of her actions and of yours. She is foggy, so she more than likely is trying to come up with options for what she should do now.

She may be trying to figure out if she can afford to live on her own. She may be trying to figure out how she can afford to move out and take DD with her. She might be kicking around how to get YOU out of the house, but keep you on the hook for paying all the bills.

She'll be going through all these scenarios because she is foggy and still in the dark of the affair. This is where your sterling Plan A will come into play. While she's examining these options and is deeming them unworkable, you're going to be showing her that her best option is to remain with you and rebuild your M.

You are doing great!! Sounds like her anger is subsiding.

The crack in the armour is when she leaves that job and ends all contact with the OM. Until that happens, this is a non-starter. MM, I cannot emphasize the importance of drilling that home at this time. Even though she says whatever, you need to be telling her there will be conditions if she is going to stay there. Let her know you will not stay in a loveless marriage, that you will not tolerate her continued contact with the OM, and that one of them has to leave the job.

Have you discussed this with her? Have you told her that this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end contact? And painted a very ugly, bleak picture where you file for grounds on adultery and seek primary custody and possession of the house?

I would also let her know that it is unrealistic to believe your DD will be ok from a divorce. That is ridiculous. Kids are never the same and she knows better.

Ask her what her plan is and discuss it with her. Open up a conversation so you can let her know what your conditions are. Let her know you will not stay in a loveless marriage and that this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end all contact with the OM. And then let her know that this will be a very ugly PUBLIC divorce that is filed on grounds of adultery.

See, she might be envisioning a fantasy divorce; that you will roll over like a dead dog and give her an easy, soft divorce and all will be bright and rosy. And that you will even be her "friend" and get along with her "for the children." That is what many waywards fantasize about. [if you are "friends" then she doesn't have to feel so guilty for screwing you and your DD over - don't let her do this] You have to let her know that you will NEVER be her "friend" [not even "for the children" ] and that the divorce will be very ugly and very public.

If the issue of parenting comes up tell her you do not believe in "co-parenting" but rather PARALLEL PARENTING where there is no contact. That is better in situtations where adultery has ruined the potential of amicable communication. [many courts are using this now because "co-parenting" is a mythological construction that causes more trauma]

I suppose I�m a little concerned that her not moving out is in reaction to our daughter and as soon as she sees our daughter is going to be ok, she�ll have a legal separation ready.

That would be one interpretation - let's call it the reaction of the "wife-goddess" that most BHs imagine their wives to be - all powerful, supremely willful and rational.

Instead, it may be that your WW is going into (albeit reluctantly) the "WTF did I do?" mode. Her reputation is slightly above a $2 crack ho in your town, POSOM is running like a scared bunny (probably coercing his BW to stand by him "for the kids"), her livelihood is very much at risk. She's not about to make separate living arrangements if her future earnings stream is so much at risk.

Let her sleep on the floor. (Occasionally, do her a solid and bring her a bagel, coffe, and the paper so she can have breakfast "on floor"!) Continue to pressure the official and unofficial powers (PTA yet?) about the cesspool of infidelity in the administration of that school. Be positive, and upbeat, and WORK THE PROGRAM.

what does a sign of hope look like? What does a crack in the armor of anger look like?

Surprisingly, Gabriel does not arrive blowing his horn. It's the little things that start adding up. Your wife NOT moving out is actually one of them.

Don't worry about keeping score. Keep working the program, and E-A-O-T-P !

It will not always be this dramatic. Make sure that you are taking care of yourself, too.

I know it sounds impossible, but try to spend a few hours putting all this heartache aside and do something for yourself.

I think you are doing great things, but burnout leads to errors, and you sounds like you have been swinging the bat 24/7. Remember your favorite thing to do? Go do that. It is a holdiay.
JMO -

blessings.

Hi Everybody,
Quite a bit of a break through yesterday. Our daughter was at a friend�s house so we had most of the afternoon alone. I took the dogs for a swim and let WW know she was welcome to come along - no expectations. She joined me & the dogs and after about 1/2 hours of playing with the dogs in the river she asked me to come sit by her. She said she�s ready to be friends but feels that�s all she can be. I let her do most of the talking & just listened and agreed.
The discussion continued at home where she expressed her feeling that she does not feel the same any more. She really likes me as a �friend� and knows we could be great friends if this marriage does not work out.

I listened and my response was that of acknowledgment and encouragement. I expressed how I still believed in us and how I thought it�s worth trying to explore these feeling further to see if there�s something still there. Not pushing but merely planting seeds.

I did discuss the NC100% to at least get that topic on the table. She was very resistant and said she needs her job to support our DD - and this is true. We do have our DD in a great place and I do want her to stay here. I want to see what the school system does, then evaluate the option. She claims the affair is over and when I asked about the email from last week she said it was a joke. I did push back on that a bit b/c it didn�t seem like a joke to me.

While the communication yesterday was calm & somewhat rational these issues were brought up:
++ She says she can�t forgive me for telling DD and she can�t forgive herself for what she�s done.

++ She feels my exposure actions were an attempt to sabotage her.

++ She wants us to be great friends if we do D for the sake of our DD. It was so hard to let her know about cutting off all communication and parallel parenting. I really need a second opinion on that and to really think it through. We do have a DD and I need to do the best thing for her.

I believe she�s somewhat open to a recovery effort & I�m not sure what the first step should be. She keeps saying �you can�t make someone feel something they don�t feel.� And yet I read all the great stories about how other women were in the same position and were able to overcome it.

Last night was very normal - hanging out at the house, dinner, etc as if it were 3 months ago. This morning was pretty normal too.

Where do I begin?

Yup - going to do that now - thanks for the push!

MM, this is exactly what I addressed above and warned you about. It makes it easier for her destroy your marriage if she believes you will be "friends" "for the children." The reason she wants to be "friends" is so that she does not feel guilty about destroying your marriage and her daughters family. The best thing for your DD is to do everything in your power to save your marriage. Going along wtih the "friends" strategy does nothting to help the marriage, but only helps her fogged out plans.

Not that she cares about your DD [she cares more about her affair] but "co-parenting" is not good for your daughter in any, way, shape or form. You don't need to be in touch with her to be a good parent.

I am very disturbed at this conversation below becuase it comes across as complacence. You are giving her the impression that you will cooperate with her intended destruction of the family, rather than fight for your marriage. Cooperating with her destructive plans with result in a destoyed marriage and comes across like you don't care very much.


This is fogbabble that we would expect from someone who just had the crackpipe taken away. You are making a serious mistake by giving it any credence whatsoever. I am confused why this was posted? We do expect a WW to be angry about exposure. That is an expectation, but their rantings should not be taken any more seriously than the babblings of a falling down drunk.


The first step is GETTING HER OUT OF THERE. There is no hope until that happens. You cannot go to Step Two until STEP ONE happens. The other WW's overcame it because their husbands fought for their marriages until all contact was ended. They did not let up. This is why I am telling you not to let up now while you have some leverage. You can't reason with a fogged out WW, the only thing you can do is get her out of there and kill this affair so she will be open to REASON.

She will not EVER FEEL anything for you until contact ends. Feelings follow ACTIONS, not the other way around. Get her out of there so it is possible for her feelings to change.

Don't let up now.

The greatest place for you daughter is in an intact home. I suspect that, if she had a choice, she would prefer to see mommy and daddy together and happy under one roof. Not to see them divorced so she can go to a 'good school'.

Your WW can get another job to help with family finances.

Let me put this another way, MM. You are endangering your marriage by placing yourself at the mercy of your WW's plan. Her plan is destruction. In order to pull this out, it has to be YOUR PLAN.

You ENABLE your wife's FOG by cooperating with her destructive plans. She needs a reality check and she doesn't seem to be gettng that from you.

It is not in your daughter's best interest to be at a school where the continued contact between her mother and her adultery partner continues. Her parent's marriage is much more imporant than that. She can adjust to a new school, she can't ever completely adjust to a destroyed family.

There is no home, school or job that is worth your marriage or your child's intact family.

Again, not a plan. There is nothing there so there is nothing to explore. But you can have something - a great marriage - if she a) ends all contact for life and b) commits to a program of recovery. A loving, passionate, romantic marriage can be created if you take these steps.

However, that is impossible as long as she works with the OM.

Tell WW that:

you do not want her as your friend post divorce

you will not be her friend post divorce

you will not tolerate your DD around the OM, so either OM leaves the district or your DD will be

you will go NC with WW if she divorces you


Also sit tight because the school board and supt are waiting for their lawyers to tell them how to hamdle OM and your WW.

This is why you must hire your own lawyer and have him write the board and CC the supt about what actions they plan on taking and hinting about a sexual harassment suit to get them to move on terminating the OM.

You want to save your marriage?

MB ain't goin' to git it done without a mouth piece. Your lawyer will know how to make them manure their pants.

You on the other hand, they see you only as an annoyance. Minor one.

MM, in my last post I opined that WW was having one of those "WTF did I do?" moments. Now, can you guess what that is immediately followed by? A series of "How do I get out of this by putting the burden on somebody else?" plans. Your WW is reading from the script, directly:

She said she�s ready to be friends but feels that�s all she can be...she expressed her feeling that she does not feel the same any more. She really likes me as a �friend� and knows we could be great friends if this marriage does not work out.

Translation - "Oh, sh!+, POSOM is turning tail and my great dream of blissful joy with him is GONE. Time to throw good old MM a bone, and see if he'll chase it. Committing to WORK HARD on rebuilding what I trashed would be an admission that it was not a star-crossed perfect romance, but merely a tawdry wham-bam with my superior, that is over. I would have to admit that MY OWN FAILURE caused this problem. If MM goes for this charade, I can reassure myself that there really WERE problems with our marriage, that were not caused by just being an easy piece of tail."

She was very resistant and said she needs her job to support our DD

Translation - "If I leave my job, I'll NEVER get to see POSOM again, and get those ENs from HIM that I should be seeking/sourcing from MM. I'll convince MM that I need THIS job, as opposed to A job, if our finances require it. And in the meantime, I'll bring the pressure to bear to convince him that my leaving this job would be HIS fault, not mine. MM will believe me because he believed me that I'd be faithful to him. Jerk!"

She says she can�t forgive me for telling DD...

"How DARE MM truthfully and accurately reveal the truth of the situation that I created, continued, and fostered!!! Doesn't he realize that here in 21st century America there ARE no standards of behavior and integrity? Where the HELL does he get off having them, or expecting them from me?"

....she can�t forgive herself for what she�s done.

"Quick, now I have to play the 'oh, pity me' card. It ALWAYS works for females, so it should work now! Oh, sh!+, I can't quite summon up enough tears! Where's the lemon juice?"

She feels my exposure actions were an attempt to sabotage her.

Well......duhhhhh!

Do NOT give her any encouragement. No backing off on NC. No talk of anything beyond recovery. Any discussion of marriage dissolution to be met with allusions to filing under infidelity, subpoenaing POSOM, all cell/email records, other members of the school faculty, etc, etc. until she'll like she's been under a road-grader for weeks.

So, in summary your attitude is "My WAY (recovery) or the Highway (road grader)!"

I side with this also, and want to add.

Its quite possible all WW wants to do is make nice, because the school board does not want to have tp pay the price for their poor judgements. Heads could roll and those heads could be talking to WW.

Then of course there is OM, the Principle with none himself,(niether principles or cohone's), and the fact he is shaking in his boots, that the larger the mess becomes with the school board, the harder his poor life will be,(AW boo-hoo).

Don't be a sucker, everything Mel said was right. She is still trying to play you, and keep you in the cooler, on her string, and useing your good nature against you, and your DD.

She has lost respect for you Sir, now go get it back. Whether you recover your marriage or not, you will need those balls she has in her purse. Who knows, maybe she will wise up, or then maybe she will work one of those webcams with the principle from thier new website when they both find themselves out of work. Either way, you need respect.

Stick to the lawyers and get your own. Defend yourself. Take them down please. You have a responsibilty to the children.

Please trust this

OM is the principal without principles.

Bravo NG, especcially the DUHHHH! comment.

Sorry MM, I know this hurts buddy, now just listen to these guys, you are in a battle for your marrige, not the popularity contest in the local paper.

We are your frinds here

Yeah, and they took prayer out of Schools...go figure

Absolutely. Add to that, your attorney might drop a line about how adultery is still considered a crime in Colorado. Not likely that he would be prosecuted, but it wouldn't hurt to mention it. A principal doesn't need an "arrest" for a moral crime on his record, even if nothing comes of it.

Please don't let up on this issue. Complete separation "for life" is the only way you're going to recover your marriage. Once OM is completely out of the picture, THEN you and your wife can begin the work to restore romantic love back to your marriage like you've never known before.

MM, you are in a very favorable position to bust this affair up. Keep up the pressure on the school board and get that chump fired.

WW is going to say stuff like, "People get divorced all the time, DD will be fine" and "we can still be friends."

If you divorce, do you want to be friends with someone who has lied to you, destroyed your family, hurt your DD, cost you your home, and made you pay for lawyers and custody coaches and financial planners?

Until recently, my crazy WXW still thought we were going to be friends. She even made a joke about living in an apartment building together, like everything was going to be all hunky dory. Well, things are not hunky dory. And they will never be hunky dory.

You have to tell her that if this goes to divorce, you are going to make it a very difficult one, and you will never speak to her again.

Her rose-colored glasses need to come off.

I don't post on here much anymore. I was in a similar situation to you. I will give you my opinion.

You have a couple of things going for you. One is you have a good hold on the OM if you go ahead and squeeze.

The only other thing you have is the threat that you will get custody of your daughter if necessary.

My XW filed for divorce after exposure and steadfastly moved down that path from day 1. Only once was there any wavering and that was when she thought I was going to fight her over custody. She pretty much told me that she would do whatever I wanted. Of course, a gun to the head concession would be worth nothing, but I suspect that is the only thing your wife fears. I am sure she has never envisioned a scenario where she would be the one on the outside.

It seems to me that you are in as good of a position that you could be in. You have the OM and his superior's attention.

I'll put it this way. You want to plan A. You also want to get a lawyer pronto. There is no plan A in court. Right now, your wife is not your friend, she is not even really your wife. She is looking for a way to have this come out like she wants.

I guess I am saying, listen to the folks here. Don't let up. Let the higher ups know that you will be satisfied. Same with your wife.

I think you have two paths. One is to push hard, stand firm and possibly save your marriage. The other is to be friendly, not cause a stink, give it time, work it out, and assure your marriage's end.

I did not do a great job in standing up, I was late to the game. I always wonder what would have happened if I'd found marriage builders earlier and what would have happened if I had been more aggressive. It could not be any worse that what happened otherwise.