Very true and another reason to hire a lawyer and go after the OM.

Thnk you Mel & Gloveoil - I will post an update later this morning when I'm in a better location.

Hi All - Where do I begin? Today I am really, really angry. I�m not going to do anything stupid but I feel like a fog of my own has been lifted even for just a bit. Who knows what tomorrow will be.

To address some of your great comments and support:
1. @Mel WRT plan & NC 100 - I�m still working on the details of the recovery plan but I can tell you that it will be based on the MB principles. I�m on my second read of Surviving an Affair and I�ve read the first 40 pages of His Needs, Her Needs. This is something that I believe in and so does my therapist.
As for the NC, this will happen and is a work in progress at the moment. I wish our situation was as simple as flipping a switch but it�s not. I hear you & others loud and clear when you say this is a deal-breaker. I have a couple of angles that are playing out as I type this. So while this isn�t achieved 100% as I write this, I have taken steps to make this happen and am prepared to take more.

2. @Theroad - WRT an attorney - I have spoken to several attorney�s and am still looking. Between being the attorney�s being unavailable & incompetent I have not found what need... yet. I�m looking in a large city not too far from here and connected with an attorney friend today who is making a few calls as well. I really can�t say too much more about this as this is a public forum and I need to keep this aspect confidential.

3. @GloveOil - WRT being duped, trust & verify - I hear you & completely agree.

4. @mmmherb - WRT to understanding D may be an outcome & getting prepared - thanks for that advice. Everyday I am working to distance myself from the situation. Therapist, reading, running, getting sleep & doing things for myself & career- all actions to prepare. Even hired an executive coach. Today�s mostly angry mood has given me the energy to do that further.

5.@Peachyisback - WRT her being like a drug addict who will say anything to minimize the situation, etc. - Thanks for the dose of reality. I�m honestly doing things to get to 100%NC or this thing is done. I get it.

6. @maritalbliss - WRT the school - There are things underway with the school. I just can�t reveal them here yet.

7.@MrWondering - WRT getting away & not expecting much from relationship talk - We are getting away Sat. night. Thanks for the support and advice. Also I have been very, very light with relationship talk. Just trying to let the posture of recovery marinate a bit.

8. @americajin - WRT 100%NC - yes, underway & see above. I hear you guys loud & clear.

I'm into the 3rd week of this hell hole but feel somewhat grounded in that I have a plan with a deadline, great support and I have not done anything stupid I regret.

As you all know there's going to be a gap between what we read & say here and how things play out in real life. There are nuances that can't be conveyed here but I can tell you that I am committed to following your advice and I'm so appreciative of your time in thinking of me and offering help. I think of the words on this thread everyday. So far it's been by the script.

The fear mostly comes from the unknown and yet every time I've stared down the fear and just acted, it's worked. This has caused my trust & confidence to grow. Thank you for that!!!

MM, I don't want to come off wrong. I think you get it, in my time on mb I have to say that I don't remember any BH jumping right in, doing the things you have done. You have had the same objections and put them aside and listened, acted, and have gotten yourself in as good of a position as I have ever witnessed, and as good as possible, IMO. I just want you to realize that you can't let up. It looks like you get that.

My additional advice would be this. Be strong and firm in your boundaries. Don't ever apologize or even remotely show regret for anything you have done to save your family. Be above board, you are not doing anything to hide. If you remember my earlier post, in the early days of my wife's affair, I met secretly with OM, playing dumb and manipulating, honestly. It really lowered me, maybe not to their level, but you get my drift. What you are doing is honorable, no need to justify it beyond that and no need to hide it.

There is a book that gets recommended on here, Wild at Heart. In a nutshell, fighting for your wife, defending her, is what you are doing. Hopefully she will eventually see that. But the fight is honorable and worthy, and you are fighting the good fight. Keep it up.

Eradicate the enemy, totally.

MM,I have two questions for you, to make sure I know where you are in recovery:

1. Has the school interviewed your WW about this?
2. Is your WW still working with OM?

@maritalbliss -
1. Yes
2. For now - like I said, WIP on that

Boy, the venom really came out tonight. She says she hates me, doesn't respect me, is tired of this draining marriage to name a few. Said the affair is a blip on the radar of how much is wrong. She's really angry. This is so hard.

I sat and listened, took responsibility for my role, and tried to focus on our agreement that we would try recovery. She says she's only interested in recovery because the alternative is no contact with me and a parallel parenting situation.

Is this over the top? This was a brutal discussion.

Your wife will be angry as long there is no NC (=affair is still going on). I think you are listening your foggy WW too much. They all say that the affair (OM) has nothing to do with the problems in marriage.

To discuss with your WW about recovery as the affair is still going on is pointless. You have to achieve full NC, only then the real recovery can start. And only then your real wife will reveal herself again and you can have sane partner to discuss about future decisions. Avoid it right now and ignore the venom - it comes not from the mouth of your real wife, remember?

MM, Your wife's hatred and venom are not over the top for where you two are. She is angry about the loss of her fantasy affair and humiliated by the exposure. Instead of directing the anger at herself, which is where is rightly should be, and at her own disgraceful actions, she is blaming you. She is still foggy.

Once No Contact is achieved, the withdrawal from her AP can begin. That may take several weeks or a few months, and she may need AD meds to help.

Your WW has rewritten marital history so she can justify and rationalize what she has done. My FWH did the same at first. Most WS do that.

Although some WW express remorse, Dr. H. states in SAA that many do not. In any case, remorse or not, the focus is on rebuilding the marriage.

No Contact is a must for this to occur.

What you have achieved so far, sir, is admirable and courageous. You are fighting for your family and your marriage. Take care of your health especially during these times. As you say, yes, indeed, brutal....

This is a key point MM. Stick to your guns on this. My thought is you both share a strong connection to initimate conversation. By her telling you this is a great sign your marriage can recover.

No Contact has to be in place. Otherwise as time moves on and she stays foggy she will work really hard to get you to cave to a friendly divorce and coparenting. It happens all the time with WW.

Just let all her anger and fogbabbly roll off your shoulders. When she speaks fog assume she is high as a kite and nothing out of her mouth is truth.

Thank you - today is as bad as D-Day. Your encouragement is so helpful.

This is great! And it tells me you have really, really inflicted a huge blow on the affair. That is exactly what you needed to do! She is the falling down drunk who just got cut off at the bar. When she sobers up she will thank you for killing her affair. Don't let her comments about the affair being a "blip on the radar..." blah, blah, blah..... bother you a bit. that is like saying the Titanic sinking is just a blip on the radar of other boat problems. Like the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom.

You just keep to the course and don't pay any attention to anything she says, other than her committment to YOUR PLAN. Your plan is IRON CLAD and immovable:

1. NO CONTACT FOR LIFE

2. COMMIT TO A PROGRAM OF RECOVERY

Don't let anything distract you.


And whatever you do, DO NOT apologize for exposure. She is looking for ways to demonize you, so don't hand her that bullet!

Don't despair, MM. You are doing a fabulous job and things are going just as expected. Your wife is furious becuase you ruined her affair. That is a good reason for her to be furious because it means you can now save your marriage!!

Keep up the good work, soldier, and do not allow yourself to be daunted for a minute by the shock and awe. It is all coming together. You are walking out of the storm with your wife and daughter on your back.

MM,

Good work, really.

Mel and MB were a great resource when I finally, finally exposed (I can't believe I hesitated), and talked me through the aftermath...taught me to observe her reaction -- the more angry, the better, as it would be a direct correlation to the damage to the A.

They were 100% correct. My wife FREAKED for about a weekend -- which included a phonecall to ME from OMs mommy -- and you know what?

By Monday it was over, and a line in the sand had been drawn going forward -- who would be pro-marriage, pro-family, who wasn't, and then brought clarity to what decsions needed to be made once that was established, publicly.

It's a rollercoaster, but one that doesn't even begin until exposure occurs....I only regret i hadn't waited so long...

Hang in there!

Cannot possibly be.

You have done everything within your power since dday to straighten this mess out. You are experiencing the clean-up of the tsunami your marriage faced by the doings of a (temporarily) insane person. Not qualified to diagnose but Im sure it fits. The cleanup will take a long time considering the level fogginess your wife is in.

The elephant in the room is the fact that your wife is seeing, even worse, reporting to OM still. Until this ends, yes, you will have days where they stink like dday.

Hold your ground and end the contact. Youre helpless without the NC established.

Her anger will wear off. Her fog will wear off if you get her away from the OM. And when that happens, we can help you use this plan to transform your marriage. If you just get her positioned, this CAN be saved. I know you can't see that because you in a forest fire right now, but what I see is you slowly, but surely WALKING OUT WITH YOUR FAMILY ON YOUR BACK. Don't get distracted by her venom and don't let anything stop you. Stay on your path.

p.s. since she has agreed to recovery, I would start working out a plan right now. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, please get 2 copies [they sell them cheap on this website] and get a Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook. That workbook has all the worksheets in it and it is invaluable.

The book has a plan for recovery in it. You can give her the second copy and ask her to start reading it. Once she gets out of there, we can help you with the program.

My H and I went through the actual course when they held it at a hotel. [they would do the presentation at the hotel and then we would do the lessons over a years time with the guidance of our coach] Now they do that online. They assign you a coach and give you daily access to Dr Harley. But if you are dedicated and methodical, you can do it yourself out of the books.

I know I know, I'm a pretty emotional guy, but Mel, your post brought tears to my eyes

All true too
Take no prisoners in this attack, do not negotiate with the enemy, eradicate all of the lies and deciet

You only live once and she is worth it right?

I stayed totally calm all weekend despite jabs & total lack of courtesy from her. I simply ignored all of the small attacks.

This week I am working on the NC. I have a few pressure points from an attorney to communicate with the superintendent, we have a counseling session later this week and some friends.

I do realize the importance of this. I think at first I viewed the NC as the right thing to do, now I realize it is essential.

What's troubling to me is she seems to be in a pretty good position. She's still at home, is available for our daughter, has her job & her husband is being GREAT and she gets to sleep in a separate room. Ugh.

My thought is to try to get some leverage from our therapist re: NC.
Thanks again for your support!

MM, and what if the "therapist" says it doesn't matter if she stays in contact? Then you are done and will have a much harder time demanding NC. Most therapists are destructive to marriages in an affair, did you know that? It is because they don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages and even less understanding of the dynamics of adultery.

MM, your leverage has to come FROM YOU. Why is your wife sitting there doing nothing? Has she turned in her resignation? Does she ever understand that this is not negotiable? *YOU* need to put a fire under her [censored] and tell her what I told you. Tell her there will be no platonic marriage where she lives happily in the guest room and goes to see her lover every day. You need to disabuse her of that notion NOW.

OK, my "therapist shpiel", worthless as breasts on a bull, if you will.

Went to one post dday on 2 occasions. In order for me to overcome the thoughts of my wife being with someone else, I should "claim" a certain type of sex as 'mine'. Something OM never did with my wife. Yes, I was to tell my wife I demand it to heal. This was his advice.

Never went back.

If staying the marriage or otherwise is the result, I dont think you can find better advice than on here.

Tread lightly with the MC, in my opinion.