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Help! this is my 1st try at this. I am sitting here home alone because I am in a terrible slump and my husband (who had the affair on me) decided to go away for the long weekend because he can no longer take that I haven't gotten over this yet and reminding him how bad he was. This weekend is the 1 yr anniversary I discovered the affair which had gone on for a year before I finally found ALL the evidence. Happy anniversary. Sick I know. The problem is they are both very well known in public and very out there and work together in church. Absolutely nobody knows about the affair so absolutely nothing has changed not to draw attention and bring up questions. What tipped the scales again is that we obviously have mutual friends and were all together a few days ago and she intentionally walked up to my child sitting next to me and initiate a conversation with my child then walk away. I almost threw up. I'm still sick. I wanted to call her on it and tell her parameters that she can't cross. My husband on the other hand said not to go there because God calls us to forgive and I need to forgive her and move on. Yes the affair is over, yes he has changed his behavior. He still works side by side with her at church so no one finds out and I feel trapped because I know I don't think I could live with anybody finding out or destroying our children. Both parties are married with children. Does anybody know how to handle the other woman still being everywhere in our community and our life.

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How does it feel to be an enabler?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry you are here but welcome.

Originally Posted by imtrampled
I am sitting here home alone because I am in a terrible slump and my husband (who had the affair on me) decided to go away for the long weekend because he can no longer take that I haven't gotten over this yet and reminding him how bad he was.

Nope, he went away because he is still seeing the OW.

Are you ready to stand up and fight for your M and end this A????


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.................because we can help you do that.

But we can't help you if you continue to enable the A.......


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Enabling and volunteering to be an accessory to the crime comes at a very high price. You are paying that price by keeping the secret of the infidels. That is good for the affair but, as you can see, it is not good for you.

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My husband on the other hand said not to go there because God calls us to forgive and I need to forgive her and move on.

Did you open your Bible and check out what he said? Where does it say that "forgiveness" means hiding the wrongdoing of sinners? Where does it say that you should forgive UNREPENTANT SINNERS who still live in sin under a veil of secrecy?

I betcha he wasn't throwing around bible quotes when he was involved in an affair. His use of them now is seems far too convenient and more than a little hypocritical. However, hiding behind one bible quote unfortunately leaves him at odds with other bible quotes and stories.



Take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. Ephesians 5:11


Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you,[a] rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.
Luke 17:3-4


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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no he is not with her. He has all our children. He is destroyed by all the pain this he has caused. He is devasted by the christian witness he has destroyed. His behavior has completely changed. He cries just wanting me to have joy again. But we both know we don't want to draw any attention to this so I don't know how to get over that feeling of being trapped.

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Originally Posted by imtrampled
no he is not with her. He has all our children. He is destroyed by all the pain this he has caused. He is devasted by the christian witness he has destroyed. His behavior has completely changed. He cries just wanting me to have joy again. But we both know we don't want to draw any attention to this so I don't know how to get over that feeling of being trapped.

OK so he has no access to a phone or a computer?????

Because my WH has contact with his OW constantly even when he has his two children....


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My husband on the other hand said not to go there because God calls us to forgive and I need to forgive her and move on.
What a crock. God condemns adultery!

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Does anybody know how to handle the other woman still being everywhere in our community and our life.
imtrampled, you need to leave this community. That is the only way you'll be able to recover from this terrible thing that your husband and that skank did to you.

im, who knows about the affair? I suspect your wayward husband and you both decided to avoid airing your dirty laundry - bad choice.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by imtrampled
no he is not with her. He has all our children. He is destroyed by all the pain this he has caused. He is devasted by the christian witness he has destroyed. His behavior has completely changed. He cries just wanting me to have joy again. But we both know we don't want to draw any attention to this so I don't know how to get over that feeling of being trapped.

Just not "destroyed" enough to repent and end contact with his lover, huh? And what makes you believe he is not with the OW? How do you know? Your children have already been introduced to his lover so they are accustomed to her. They have been dragged down into hell too.

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But we both know we don't want to draw any attention to this so I don't know how to get over that feeling of being trapped.

You mean HE wants to cover up his crime and you are helping him hide it so he can continue his affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by imtrampled
Both parties are married with children.

Why have you not informed OWH of the A? Do you not think he has a right to know...just as you did?

If you don't care about saving your M, at the very least give the OWH a chance to fix his....


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Originally Posted by imtrampled
What tipped the scales again is that we obviously have mutual friends and were all together a few days ago and she intentionally walked up to my child sitting next to me and initiate a conversation with my child then walk away.

God help you when your child finds out that you ALLOWED her to be exposed to this vile monster. SHE WILL BLAME YOU FOR THAT. You should have protected her from her daddy's adultery partner. I have no doubt that your DD has seen the OW ALOT and is being told she is "daddy's friend." It is very likely he is with the OW now.

But since you have helped the OW and her lover keep the affair secret, your H is free to take your kids around her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by imtrampled
she intentionally walked up to my child sitting next to me and initiate a conversation with my child then walk away. I almost threw up. I'm still sick.

And she does this because she knows that SHE CAN. She knows that she can do whatever she wants including having an affair with your H and approaching your children in public and you will do....nothing....

As long as they work together the affair continues and unless you are willing to wake up and do something about it, there isn't much that we can do to help you.


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Originally Posted by imtrampled
He is destroyed by all the pain this he has caused. He is devasted by the christian witness he has destroyed.

Destroyed yet he thinks it is OK to see his OW at work every day and for OW to approach your children in front of you....

You are being gaslight'ed...big time!


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When I showed him all the evidence as I found all the emails, all the texting and phone log he flopped open Proverbs 5 1-12 which was worn out in his book. He says she wanted everything and according to all the emails she definitely did, but he said by Gods grace he never became intimate with her but she wasn't afraid to tell him what she wanted and what she could do for him and he wasn't afraid to say how attracted he was to her. It still makes me ill thinking the conversations they shared. But then he would have moments of sanity and he told her to leave him alone several times and I can see the gaps in the emails but some how she would worm her way back in. It usually came back with her asking how to deal with her own marriage problems. He said once he realized what he had gotten himself into he did everything to hide it so I wouldn't find out until he figured out how to get out of it himself. But am I supposed to be happy that they didn't become intimate. I am crushed by feeling so violated by all the secret talks and him exposing our private life with her. And is that the reason to leave her in our life.

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Why do you choose to live like that when you don't have to?

You could have killed this sinful, despicable affair a long time ago by just exposing it. Instead, you have become the accessory to the crime.

WHY?? Why would you do that to your children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your H is probably with her now and I have no doubt your kids have been exposed to her numerous times. They are being taught that wrong is right by your husband and probably sense something is wrong.

But since no adult will validate their sense of right and wrong, they are thinking there is something WRONG with them. Do you think that is right to do to a CHILD?

Why won't you stand up for your marriage and your children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ther are so many twists to this entire scenario. Her husband did find out, she told him, but because they didn't become intimate her husband didn't care. The OW has become vile toward MH immediately after the 2 of us finally broke it off with her. It ended with an email that we composed together stating that I know everything and she is done. MH became transparent after that and his cell and emails have become fully accessable to me and he showed me everytime she tried to get in contact with him. So I really saw the claws come out. Side by side we stood watching the text come thru and we did not respond back and so they became more and more vile. But then the vile anger came out in me of how he could ever get messed up with someone so sick. There is no other way to explain it. Now that her words are gone, the ugly is all that is left. She is so sick to think that she had no problem with him betraying me, but she could not handle him cutting all contact off with her and she did everything to painfully manipulate. This affair is text book. That stuff I was going thru made me feel like I was loosing my mind. Then I read a book and it was like it was written about me. I went thru every stage there was.

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Originally Posted by imtrampled
Her husband did find out, she told him, but because they didn't become intimate her husband didn't care.

Have you spoken to him yourself??


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Did her husband tell you with his own lips that he knows of the affair? Have you shown him all the emails and texts? HOW do you know he knows?

And the fact that your H still sees her at church and takes her messages is enough to tell me he is not serious AT ALL about recovery. He has not even ended contact.

And yes, you will lose your mind, because the affair has not ended. Your H is the alcoholic who still drinks. You haven't even done STEP ONE that is required for recovery.

By keeping the affair secret, you have allowed it to continue.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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he wasn't afraid to say how attracted he was to her.

It really sounds like he needs to recognize his involvement too. Matthew 5:28 says: But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Also, they may not have been intimate (sex) but they did have intimate conversations that should NEVER have taken place.

This needs to be exposed. Rest assured Ephesians 5 is your biblical back-up for exposure. God will honor this. It will not be easy but He will get you thru it. Begin with her BH.



me: bw, 50
he: wh, 51

m: 1990
sep: 2007

dd: 18
ds: 14
dd: 11

multiple affairs: two with past gf's, one email dalliance.
Too many d-days to count. First one 2/06. After all this time, it's still my fault.

I've had enough. Divorce in progress.
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