Cliffy:

Facebook is a great way to expose, too. Basically, you call upon family and friends to help you persuade your wife to do the right thing.

Don't get me wrong: Exposure will make her incredibly mad, if she's intent on keeping the affair going. But once she gets out of her wayward fog, she will understand that you needed help to kill the affair AND to keep her on the right patch in the future.

Counseling: Most vets on MB site dislike marriage counseling, because their vast experience has shown that some marriage counselors urge patients to "find themselves" and aren't experts at SAVING MARRIAGES.

That's what's so excellent about MBs. These techniques work. They kill the affair and RESTORE love through a very specific routine. Have you read up on the basic concepts. If not, please do.

However, that said. My FWH (formerly wayward husband) and I had individual counseling and marriage counseling, and all are EXCELLENT. Our goals were to not only save our marriage but build it so strong that something as horrible as this couldn't happend again, so none of them were in conflict with MB philosophies.

My FWH and I LOVED therapy. For me -- someone who felt like I'd been hit by a bus -- it really helped me heal. Regain my confidence after being so betrayed and hurt.

Once you're able to breath again, take control. Read the concepts and get ready for battle. Your marriage is worth saving, and the woman who is lying and cheating isn't the woman you married. Right now she's an alien.

But with a plan, you can get her back!

Cliffy: Great job on talking to WW's parents and sibling!!!

You're already working the MB's plan and didn't even know it.

But start being strategic: Ask them to HELP you get your wife back! As them and others to explain how damaging a divorce would be. And read on these forums about how it's quite likely that your wife's most basic emotional needs were not getting met, and with her poor boundaries, she turned to another man instead of telling YOU -- her dear husband -- what she needed.

Don't get me wrong: YOU didn't do anything to cause the affair, but when spouses aren't meeting each other's basic needs, cracks can form in your marriage armor. MBs will help you two figure out what you need from each other to form an incredibly unbreakable bond.

When you expose through facebook first cut and paste the OM contact lists so incase you get blocked for OM FB you will still have access to the contact info.

When contacting on FB do not send out more then one message per minute cause the FB site will block you. It will assume you are spamimng.

This is why a BS must trust and verify NC at the same time.
If you have not done so GPS WW car, gps cell phone, VAR in WW car and one in the home.

Thanks sweet pea. I can't see what tomorrow holds for me, let alone into future.............................

Cliffy: As far as going to your marriage counseling appointment, I see no harm in it if you tell the therapist you have clear goals: killing the affair and restoring your marriage. Any deviations -- such as "trying to find oneself" is a waste of time.

However, many betrayed spouses -- such as myself -- believe that your WS's affair is the BIGGEST GET OUT OF JAIL free card for you, should you choose to use it. I didn't. Like you, I love my husband with all my heart. I spent a lot of time wondering, like you, how I could ever love someone so completely after the lies and, frankly, his having sex with someone else. I wondered if I should lower my standards to stay with a cheater, something I swore I would never do.

But FWH came around within five hours of me finding out. He realized that our marriage was paramount in his life and that he had nearly ruined. He took immediate steps (no contact letter that I approved and I sent), counseling, reading "Surviving an Affair," and everything I asked of him and more.

I can honestly tell you that he truly is the man, husband and father I thought I'd married seven years ago.

Your wife will-- the woman you LOVE! -- return to you, too, once
the horrible fog has lifted and she begins proving to you that she's worth it.

This is some great advice. I need to re-read the basic concepts.

I let her family know for the exact reason to wake her up! I hope it's not too late. When I left tonight, she just let me go without a fight. It was almost like she gave up, or knew I was leaving irrelevant of what I did?

Unlike d-day, she has not contacted me since either? What does this mean?

I know her parents are currently talking to her about it.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cliffy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Those are hugs for you. I know exactly what you're feeling. I couldn't eat for three days, and barely ate anything for a week after I found out.

But you WILL get better. You will learn to breathe again, and the pain will lessen.

I know it helped me to read other people's stories. Made me feel like I wasn't alone. It also made me realize that my situation was bad, but not as bad as many out there.

Your WS has shown some remorse, so that's a good sign!

Now, get busy and kill that affair! Also: Get back into your house!!! I know you don't even want to look at her, but don't give her any more opportunity to conduct the affair than she already does. Plus it's your house. Get back there.

I need to get her to send the NC letter. I need to be sure she means it. How will I know this. Having now being betrayed twice, I don't know if I can believe anything anymore.

Cliffy:

This is the part that's tricky for me, 'cause I didn't have to do this because my wayward saw the light in five hours.

I believe most vets would advise you to do a Plan A: which is to be THE BEST INCREDIBLE HUSBAND you possibly can be while plotting to kill and actually killing the affair. This philosophy is to show your wayward what she's going to be missing should she (stupidly!) leave you.

You go home right now and tell her that you are IN THIS for the long haul! That you know that you had a hand in the crumbling of your marriage (not meeting each other's needs) and that you're willing to do whatever that takes -- including forgiving a CHEATER (as long as they clean up their side of the fence -- to be in a great marriage.

Because she has lied to you about stopping contact, she has forfeighted any oversight of your telling whomever you feel is necessary to kill the affair. (She'll likely be mad, but you tell her you are GOING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES to save your marriage. That she and your child mean that much to you! And guess what? She brought this shame upon herself; not you. You're just cleaning it up!)

She may be reluctant to call you right now because she could be worried that you might never forgive her or you'll throw the affair in her face. Reassure her that that's not what you want.

You want TRUE healing. You want a rock solid marriage. You want to safeguard this most valuable asset you have.

NC letter: YOU SEND IT!!!! She's basically ADDICTED to other man right now. And you would never give a bottle of alcohol to an alcoholic to put away.

I had my husband type it and watched as he sent it to POSOW (piece of sh$$ other woman).

She called him the next day at work, but he told her specifically she should never contact him again. It was over. He loves his wife.

So far, so good.

I hope more BS's whose waywards were harder to get out of fog will respond to help you.

Cliffy: This is a battle for your wife, your marriage, your family, your life.

Also: If you can, right this very minute go out and buy two copies of "Surviving an Affair." One for you and one for her.

IT SAVED MY SANITY!!!! And it showed my FWH what he needed to do to get his act together.

I read it in a day, and kept re-reading it for comfort (that I wasn't crazy, or too old, or too ugly or to whatever), and for strategy: specific steps to get my marriage back. Scratch that! To get a marriage that would never be susceptible to an affair. Ever. Again.

Sweat pea, you are worth a million dollars!

Thank you for the hugs. Your support is helping so much. She's just tried contacting me a few times begging me to come home.

I just spoke to her brother. He was there with her mom and dad. They REALLY woke her up it seems based on what he said.

Should I go home and talk to her?

Yes! Absolutely. Tell her you are in it for the long haul.

But also be lovingly firm. You have standards, and she will meet them.

She is no longer in control of when/if OM contacts her. Change her phone, email, computer passwords. Etc.

Make her sit down and type a No Contact letter that YOU WILL SEND.

Do it by registered mail if you must.

If they continue to contact each other, the vets on here will give you more advice.

Buy the books on the way home, if you can. You read it; make her read it.

If she's serious, she'll start cleaning up her side of the fence.

Her cakeeating days -- having you AND another man meet her needs -- are over! You deserve better!

Don't be a doormat. Fight for your marriage, if you decide you want to (but remember, she gave you Get Out of Jail Free card, should you decide to use it).

Sucking in the deep breaths.

I want to go home. But....................

If she ever contacts him again, I think I will pack my bags with my child and not look back.

Cliffy:

Yeah! BREATHE! That's good.

You have every right to leave, should you decide. But, if your wayward get it together, that's the BEST result for you all.

Exposing the affair of a reluctant partner is a HUGE step in setting boundaries so that she won't contact the other man again. If all her family/friends know what she's done, she'll have no place to hide.

Plus, you might want to consider exposing OM to his work, if you think he used his job or work time to do personal -- and quite unsavory -- business. Plus, find out who his partner is. Expose to her, or at least to his friends on Facebook (using advice given above).

Expose him as the rat he is!!!

Go get her, Cliffy!

Thanks sweet pea.

I want to expose him. I know where he works. I want to contact his partner, but have not been able to find it on Facebook. He has a very common name.

Cliffy:

Don't be a doormat. Lovingly take charge. Your wife is incapable of handling her own affairs, and YOU will start the process of righting the ship, so to speak.

It REALLY sucks that we BSes have to do this! It's like a huge ironic slap in the face (they cheat and WE HAVE TO get the ball rolling on recovery, even though we're in agony?)

But keep your eye on the prize: the wife you married, the daughter you love, the marriage you valued.

My husband was worth me sucking it up, taking charge and putting us on the path to recovery.

And we're there! Or almost there. I'm still bruised from getting hit by the affair bus, but my casts are off and I'm hardly even limping any more. Look at me? I'm helping someone else? In the weeks after D-Day, I was paralyzed and could hardly think.

See? You can do this! So, can she. Just do it right. Read the plan, do the plan.

So, send her a letter to their address. What a nice surprise THAT will be. Ha! (Besides, she has a right to know, too.)

Oh, and I do hope a vet will chime in on your plans to expose. I believe that your wife -- not matter WHAT she says when you next see her -- will tell you anything you want to hear, but not follow through. So, you should expose. However, I have seen threads where the couple jointly expose to friends and family as part of their strategy to keep wayward honest (i.e.: people know her weaknesses and will keep an eye on her, etc.).