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Thanks sweat pea.

Last night was huge leap for us. Doing questionnaire solidified what we each had to focus on meet each others emotional needs. We plan to do it again in a months time.

It is really hard. I am still waking up in the middle of the night and unable to fall back asleep. I still think about what she did, but am really focused on love bank deposits.

She has been given a second chance. If after everything we're now trying and she still breaks it, I think plan B is the only way.

Breathing!

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we review our needs weekly, and modify if necessary.

any way she would to online program or call for personal coaching with jennifer and/or steve? it has really help us get thru this and keeps us on track.

if she is so receptive why not suggest it?


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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That's excellent work, Cliffy. And Chickadee's recommendations are wonderful, too. I loved therapy, and I think the Harveys would be awesome to work with.

RE: your waking up at night, feeling horrible. Sad to say, but there's no easy fix to that. But your wife meeting YOUR needs and making love deposits into your account will help.

Her showing true remorse and sticking to the plan will, too.

But I can't tell you how many sleepless nights and agonizing moments I had during recovery.

But I'm much, much, much better now. 95% there. I am facing D-Day anniversaries this month and for the next several weeks. I feel that once I get through those, I'll be better.

Nice work, Cliffy. Give yourself a big pat on the back. And in addition to breathing, try to get some exercise. It really helped -- and many other BSes -- achieve a better balance!


Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
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Hi everyone,

I need help. My wife is in the process of changing her email and SMS, but he is still contacting her, and she is showing me every time.

We are not responding.

What else can I do. I want to expose the OM to his spouse, but have been unable to obtain the required details so far.

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ceist anad desist letter. very scary! document all of the contacts. bring them to a lawyer it take minutes to have them write a letter

it also take 2 second to delete an email, is it a work email? is that the problem?

expose the spouse. do you know where they live? google the adress in quotes in some citys it tells you the owners name and last purchase price.

what have you done to find her? do you know her name?

i found all of the bimbos in less than 3 minutes.


Me 44- yes ugggh
WH 47
together 26 years M 19
serial cheater big time
DD1 2.24.11
NC letter sent 3/7/11
NC letter to OW2 april
final truths 5/8-- all of them poly confirmed 5/18
working the plan

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Cliffy:

It's time to likely hire a private detective, or cease and desist letter that Chickadee mentions. Finding out who his partner is is vital. Doesn't your wife know who it is?

Or, you may feel the need to go to his place of employment (because you know where he works) or call him there and tell him to knock it the frack off or you will expose his affair throughout his company or neighborhood or whatever.

OR maybe you should print up a flyer with his name, picture on it that says in HUGE TYPE: This CREEP SLEPT WITH MY WIFE, SO DON'T TRUST HIM and slip it onto his car windshield with a note that says: Stop harassing my wife or you'll find these all over your office and your neighborhood.

You can't be sued for liable if what you're printing is true!

Thoughts?


Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
Hi everyone,

I need help. My wife is in the process of changing her email and SMS, but he is still contacting her, and she is showing me every time.

We are not responding.

What else can I do. I want to expose the OM to his spouse, but have been unable to obtain the required details so far.

Cliff, she has to change her numbers now so he can't get through. The fact that she is showing it to you is meaningless. Do you have access to her phone and know everything she receives?

If she can't change the phone # today, I would exchange phones with her until you can.

And I would stay on finding the OMW until you succeed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Time for you to step in and protect your wife.
Confront him.
Tell him that you are aware of every attempt at contact. That you and your wife are on the same page and he will be charged with harassment if it continues.
Melody Lane will be along shortly with her "Hell's coming with me" video!
Man up Cliffy.

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Cliffy:

Melody Lane is an awesome adviser!!!! Do as she says. Muster all the energy you have for this battle. You are worth it. Your marriage is worth it, and it will save you plenty of heartache in the future if you do.

I LOVE Lexxxy's advice to confront him (phone or in person). Doesn't mean you have to be all Incredible Hulk crazy, but lay down the law, or get the REAL law on your side and make his dirty, shameful behavior PART OF THE PUBLIC RECORD!

You can do this, Cliffy! In fact, you NEED to do this, Cliffy. Your wife doesn't have the willpower yet, so she needs you to dig deep into that well of strength you have and do what it takes.

We'll help you! What do you need from us?


Me: 47
BH: 48, previously married
Married: Nov. 27, 2004
DDay: Nov. 13, 2010
Kids: stepsons DS17 and DS13
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Hi everyone,

We have been working on us. Meeting emotional needs and following the basic concepts. I have stuck to my guns depositing love credits, without withdrawals. It is hard, but I can see it is working.

BTW - the OM thought I wrote the NC letter, when it was all my wife! Either she has not totally told him to g away, or the OM is in denial hoping it's not true. My real feeling it's a bit of both.

I want to expose the OM. I am tracking my wife's movements with a GPS, and can get access to phone/SMS info. Not email yet.

The major concern is the community I live in. Word spreads. Her family have been awesome and 2 days ago helped her, 'really' wake up. An ultimatum was put to her by her family. If she ever contact him again, not only would I levee, but they would dis-own her. I can see this really really scared her and woke her up as she is very close to her mum and sister in particular.

My concern is, by exposing the OM via his family (or even the OM's Partner), this will lead to permanent pain and damange for my WW's family. They don't deserve this. My WW deserves to feel the pain, but her family doesn't.

I am thnking about waiting to see what the OM does after my WW changes her mobile and email address in the next few days. If he still somehow finds a way to contact, then I will take the next step to go legal and maybe expose him?

Thoughts?

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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
My concern is, by exposing the OM via his family (or even the OM's Partner), this will lead to permanent pain and damange for my WW's family. They don't deserve this. My WW deserves to feel the pain, but her family doesn't.

huh? crazy How could telling them "hurt them?" I am not following your logic. If you neighbor is a cat burglar or a child molestor would you not inform his family because it would "hurt them?"

His family will be harmed by his adultery, not hearing the truth. Telling them the truth will help them and him because the more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. Of course they deserve the truth.

You should expose him NOW. Don't wait until until he successfully hooks up. Run the SOB off. NOW.

how is the OM able to get anything through if contact has been cut off?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have his family's contact info? I would expose this affair and then go have a come to Jesus with this loser. Run him off!

Last edited by MelodyLane; 09/07/11 04:00 PM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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As it is a small community and exposure like this would spread like wildfire! My WW's family will be caught in the crossfire. Face, recognition, standing in the community will be totally damaged as a result. I've seen it happen to others. It can get very nasty when everyone is talking behind your back. It's never the same again. I don't want to put my WW's family through this, as they don't deserve it.

I do want to the OM to feel pain though, but at what cost? This is my quandary.

Are you all saying that my WW after changing her phone and email, will still stray?

If she does, she knows she will lose not only me, my daughter, but her family too? She will still be prepared to risk it all?

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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
As it is a small community and exposure like this would spread like wildfire! My WW's family will be caught in the crossfire. Face, recognition, standing in the community will be totally damaged as a result. I've seen it happen to others. It can get very nasty when everyone is talking behind your back. It's never the same again. I don't want to put my WW's family through this, as they don't deserve it.

I do want to the OM to feel pain though, but at what cost? This is my quandary.

Are you all saying that my WW after changing her phone and email, will still stray?

If she does, she knows she will lose not only me, my daughter, but her family too? She will still be prepared to risk it all?

When there are no consequences the chance of the affair restarting and or new affairs are to high to not expose.

So you might as well divorce now because you are making the odds for an unsucessful recovery good. Why face another Dday?

Exposure does more then get revenge on the OM and make you feel good. It does these things but this is not the purpose for exposure.

Exposure brings people, friends, family that will hold WW acountable and the same with the OM.

The way it's good that you and WW parents are keeping an eye on WW. Exposure will place extra eyes on OM to maintain NC.

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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
As it is a small community and exposure like this would spread like wildfire! My WW's family will be caught in the crossfire. Face, recognition, standing in the community will be totally damaged as a result. I've seen it happen to others. It can get very nasty when everyone is talking behind your back. It's never the same again. I don't want to put my WW's family through this, as they don't deserve it

You are making a huge mistake protecting them from the consequences of their affair. You don't understand the value of exposure and are wrongly viewing it as damaging. Exposure is not damaging, it is HEALTHY AND THERAPEUTIC. Adultery and lies are damaging, not exposure. If they are gossiped about, that is a consequence of their affair. Why, in God's name, would you protect them from that? You are harming them both by helping them hide the affair.

There is nothing wrong with "exposure spreading like wildfire;" that is a good thing for ALL. Not only does it help the affairees wake up, but the result is more people to hold them accountable. Don't deprive them of that valuable lesson.

By helping them hide the secret, you are enabling this affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, after all.

IF YOU LIVE IN A SMALL COMMUNITY THEN HOW COME YOU CAN'T FIND THE OM'S GF?? I don't understand!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dear OM's family,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Joe Scumbag is having an affair with my wife, Sue. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Joe to persuade him to leave my wife alone. You should also watch your own wives around him because he is no friend to marriage.

Please contact me at XXX-XXX-XXXX if you have any questions, comments.

BH


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Cliffy177
On another note, I am trying to figure out how to get the OM's home number to see if he has a partner. I have his mobile number, work number and work email. Any ideas anyone?

If this is a small community, how come you can't find his wife or home address?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote
If she does, she knows she will lose not only me, my daughter, but her family too? She will still be prepared to risk it all?
She chose to risk it once already, correct?

Expose this and shut this thing down.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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EXPOSURE HAS KILLED THOUSANDS OF AFFAIRS ...

IF YOU WANT THIS TO BE OVER WITH --- EXPOSE AND SHE CAN BE YOURS.

RIGHT NOW SHE IS HIS - CAN YOU EXPOSE AND MAKE HER YOURS?

EVEN IF SHE IS SUPER PIZZED AT LEAST SHE WILL BE YOURS AND NOT HIS.

EXPOSE - EXPOSE - EXPOSE - EXPOSE - EXPOSE!!!!

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You have to expose, you really do.

So what if everyone is talking about it? Put another spin on it... everyone talks, they know about it. But they will also know that you did everything you could to save your marriage and stand up for yourself. Expose, walk tall and stand proud.

Besides, if the town is that small, they *already* know, they're just wondering what you're going to do about it.


Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
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