Thanks for the words everyone. I understand.

Just to clarify a point: the small community that I live in includes my WW's family, the OM's family and my family. The OM and his partner/girlfriend actually lives over 500 miles away in another city. That's why it's harder to find details about him. He has blocked me on Facebook, but I have found him via another login. I think I have found details of his Partner, but I am not 100% sure it is her.

Cliff, in that case it is even more important that you expose to his family unless you want sit by silently in the future when the OM comes for a visit. By telling his family you not only kill the affair but keep it killed. Killing the affair is a good thing that should not be avoided over a little embarrassment. Exposure is a good and positive thing for all. Just because something is embarrassing does not means it's bad.

Have you been able to reach his wife yet?

P.s. I would copy all his friends into a word doc for safekeeping.

Cliffy:

I realize this is a tough pill to swallow. But if you want him out of your life exposing to his spouse/GF is a must. So, too, to his family. I like ML's suggestion of copy/pasting his FB friends list for safekeeping. More ammo should he not stop.

How do you know he thinks YOU wrote the letter? Have you corresponded with him? Talked to him?

Brace you WW's parents for exposure. Prepare them for the wagging of tongues. You know, I grew up in a very small town, too, so I know what the deal is. But guess what? People probably already are talking. No one in a small town can keep an affair secret for two months without someone seeing/noticing something.

Think of it as cleansing, as ML suggests.

And keep breathing. You will survive this. And so will your family. Better to have affair KILLED than a messy divorce for people to talk about, right?

Good luck, Cliffy!

Cliffy: I'm a little worried that you haven't posted for awhile.

How are you doing? How's your hunt for low life's spouse/girlfriend going? Has he stopped the harassment?

Maybe you just needed a little mental break? If so, don't tarry long. Get that EVIL POSOM (piece of s$it other man) out of your life for good!

Cheers,
Sweet

Thanks sweat pea. Still going. Try to do Plan A whilst holding back the pain that is still clearly inside. Trying to move love deposits and not withdrawals.

Still doing some digging. The POSOM's partner has not responded to me yet.

Exposure to OMW killed my wifes affair in about ten minutes.

That really is step one. It sucks doing it, but trust me if it works for you like it did us, you will NOT regret it!

Good luck

Thanks Reynolds. Trying to get there now. When will I stop feeling like I'm on tenterhooks all the time!

what the update? what is going on with the email address is it closed?

Feeling on tenderhooks? For a long, long, long time. But if you follow the plan -- 10-15 hours of UA time, meeting your ENs and maintaining EPs, eventually you'll start to feel better. Honestly, it's true!

Cliffy: You've done great work so far. How is your wife doing?

Would love to hear about success in exposure. Has the OM stopped emailing?

Hugs,
Sweet

Hi everyone,

My WW has changed her email, but they still diverted her old email to her new one! in the process of stop the diversion and canceling the email altogether.

The mobile number is in the process of being changed now.

I have yet exposed the OM to his family, but am planning to do so.

I have a few questions for everyone. How does exposing the OM to his family and partner stop him contacting my WW? Others have told me that it could work the other way for 2 reasons.

He may be somewhat delusional in that no matter how he is exposed he will still try to contact my WW without fear. This means even exposing to his family would not be able to stop him.

He may not love his Partner anymore and actually wants to be with my WW.
From emails I have seen from him since D-day, this seems to be the case, and by his Partner knowing (and leaving), may give him the ability to pursue my WW without concern.

The OM (after d-day) asked my wife if she wanted to be with him should one day she is single (ie. I leave). She told him she will only be with me, and if I decided to leave, she will never be with him. Knowing how important family is my WW, the OM had the balls to add "will you be with me even though your family will never approve of this". I am concerned that exposure will not work anywhere near as effectively?

I need to make it clear that my WW has made no contactbsince the second D-day (5 days ago). I am tracking everything!

The OM has only responsed to the NC Letter once and nothing else. This was 5 days ago. He thought I wrote it for 2 reasons I think. He does not want to believe the contents of the letter ( denial). And secondly, even though my WW had told him to stop contacting before the NC letter, it clearly wasn't firm enough.

When you expose to OM's side, don't EXPECT it to stop OM from contacting your WW. The only thing it is for is to KILL the A dead, from ALL sides. This way, OMs friends/family will put pressure on him and make him see that your WW isn't worth the trouble.

If one of my sons was an OM, I would TELL him what I thought. There would definitely be some consequences.

Do it because it is the right thing to do and it is part of the steps. If you are willing to cut corners this soon, what that says about your recovery isn't very good.

And those other people who are telling you not to expose OM, how many marriages have they saved from infidelity exactly?

Sorry, but others are wrong. Exposing is the most potent weapon against an affair becuase mold does not grow well in sunlight. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it gives it the cold splash of reality. Exposing to the OM's family means more people will be watching and more people persuading him to end his affair. You want his parents speaking to him to persuade him to stop his affair.

And the more people who know the more people to hold him accountable. It also ruins any future hope for the affair if they know. Lets say your WW wanted to move in with the OM, she would have second thoughts becuase she would know there is no future for her in the OM family. Most families won't tolerate an affair.

While exposure is no guarantee, I will tell you it is your most potent weapon against the affair and that the majority of us here in recovered marriages, exposed the affair. Dr Harley seems to have saved one or two marriages over his successful 40 year career and here is what he says about the benefits of exposure:

here


It is up to your wife to ensure he doesn't get through, not the OM's family. That is her job. If he can get through that means she is not seriously blocking him and needs to plug the whole. And so what if he does get through? I am not following you on how that would negate the effects of exposure.


Please stop this. If he wanted to leave and be with your WW he would, wouldn't he? Just because he told your wife he was not "in love" with his wife means nothing more than he said what was needed to get some nookie. THEY ALL SAY THAT.

The OM cannot "pursue your WW without concern" if she won't let him through.

Cliff, I am very concerned that you are in paralysis analysis and as such, are now conjuring up excuses to not do something because you are afraid. I can understand that you are afraid. We all were. But you don't have the luxury to put fear before action. This is not rocket science. There is absolutely no downside to exposure. Just do it my friend!

ARe you kidding me? You honestly believe he was honest with your wife about his relationship? I assure you he was not. And so what if his partner leaves? That is not relevant to your situation. If your wife wanted to leave she would leave to be with him if he wanted her.

Which is more likely to happen if you don't expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so protecting its secret from his wife and his parents only serves to enable the affair.

Cliffy,

PLEASE listen to Mel, Marital, etc. and expose. Read my thread...I hemmed and hawed -- what good would exposing OMs family, employer make? It is up to my W to end the A, ensure NC.

Well, how wrong I was. I was 'enlightenend' once OMs mom called ME to discuss my WS's behavior, the affair, her precious boy...read my thread for her responses...as Mel said, I think, it ended -- immediately -- any thoughts of my W being invited to their next family picnic.

It wasn't perfect, but exposing to OMs family did the trick.

{/quote] I need help. My wife is in the process of changing her email and SMS, but he is still contacting her, and she is showing me every time. [/quote]

{/quote] The OM has only responsed to the NC Letter once and nothing else. This was 5 days ago. [/quote]

Cliffy: Take a deep breath again. Here's what you wrote to us within days of each other. They are in conflict. You don't have to burn the world down and expose him to everyone you know. Start with his parents. You know them. Ask them to exert influence for their son to do the right thing and stop his evil ways. Get to his spouse/partner. That should start the ball rolling.

Melody and Mel know what they are talking about. Waywards lie ALL THE TIME to their affair partners. It's part of their fantasy of making their "real" lives horrible so it allows them to have their affairs. His wife/girlfriend probably doesn't know a thing. And she deserves to know what a jerk she's married to/involved with.

Yes, it's scary, but don't let this scum bucket get away with trying to steal your wife and wreck your home.

Cliffy: You've done amazing work so far. Without proper killing of affairs, False Recoveries have occurred years after BSes thought affairs had ended. Read the threads. You'll be horrified. Don't become one of them.

Don't plan it. Just DO it.

Cliffy:

How are you doing? Still taking those deep breaths? Meeting each others' needs?

Hope so!

Cheers,
Sweetpea

Hi swaetpea. Trying to. We've put priority on meeting EN's. I saw on your post about the anniversary of your d-day. Does it get a bit better every day / year? Do you still think about the pain from time to time?