Bill, according to Dr Harley the options ARE Plan A or Plan B (and I know from you thread you are not ready for Plan D). And Plan B is about protecting your $LB and yourself from the abuse of an affair. Recovery for you. Are you losing love for her?

One of my biggest difficulties in adjusting to my situation is feeling so powerless. I can not change my WH's decisions and I find I often launch into fantasies of "options' that might make a difference. It can be very VERY hard to accept a waywards behaviour when we see the stupidity of their actions, the waste. But they need to see this for themselves and us desperately seeking a quick fix is not going to make a difference.

So you either continue in Plan A... or move to Plan B.

Where is your $LB at?

I believe I'm losing RESPECT for her


Powerless......that is exactly the proper word to describe my feelings TONIGHT!!
There are no magic words......are there?.....to change this.


Today was BIG withdrawl from my $LB on her part.
I honestly CANNOT assess my $LB balance for the Wife tonight.....I'm not depressed.......I am disappointed in her.

Bill, we may be betrayed, but we are not powerless (though we all feel that way at times). And you have every right to feel disappointed in her, that is natural, she is making selfish decisions that are tearing down everything you know, love and value. I will borrow something I read that might strike a chord, did for me:
"A marriage, in the simplest of terms, is the output of two people. If it�s broken beyond repair, then the implication is that one of the partners is broken. They can run from the marriage, but they�re only running away from themselves. And if you run from yourself wherever you go, are you ever really there?

That being said, there are still a few hard truths to consider. Sometimes when the affair breaks, the wayward partner will not return to the marriage out of not wanting to face their shame, devaluation, and taking the path of least perceived resistance. Sometimes, the affair will continue out of pride and a need to justify that what they were doing was right. In both cases, they�ll often enter a downward spiral of making poor choices in effort to prove something to themselves, which perpetuates a cycle of self destruction. They may very well continue their behavior until the end of their days and be left scratching their heads wondering what the common link to all of their problems are. However, there are a few that will face themselves, learn to take responsibility, and ensure that they begin taking positive and constructive steps forward to commit to their emotional balance and health. After all, they are in charge of their own destiny and happiness. Character is destiny. We build that character with every decision we make and that, ultimately, is what guides us through life. We cannot escape the consequences of the decisions we make or that others make - but even against all odds we can always rise above adversity. Every person is responsible for his or her character and qualities and has the capacity to gain new qualities and extend our influence. You included."

YOU are not powerless, YOU are choosing to rise above adversity, YOU are not running from yourself or others. YOU are building your character in a positive way. And another lesson learned from infidelity... patience. Sleep tonight, you do not have to decide about Plan A or B when you feel you have just experienced another rejection. Rest. Take care of yourself.

And I tried to offer my hand to my Wife......and got treated like a doormat.
NO MORE!


No arguing with that!


THAT and the Wife is MAD - MAD - MAD that I exposed her cheating activities to MANY people who thought she was the "Perfect Good Wife".
Her anger is probably the driving force behind her behavior now.


Self-delusion......keeping up the "act"......"We don't need Bill anymore, he was mean to me!"
Discard the truth.....perpetuate the facade!!!


I hope.....but doubt she will do that. And I can't stop it!


My Counselor recently told me: "Bravery and Heroism isn't measured by how many times you get knocked down......but by how many times you get back up."
THIS TIME....it's a slow rising.
In past when I had negative events in life I would IMMEDIATELY move to stand up...THIS TIME (Days immediately after D-Day) I asked myself "Do I want to stand up?"
The answer is YES!!!.......but I'm doing it slower than I'd like to believe.
At least I am HONEST with that face I see in the mirror!
I see my flaws and want to repair them....I pray that God will make me a better man.....and a better Husband.


Patience?.....I'm NOT good at that skill, but it looks like I'm going to learn!!! Ugh
Thank You Caracal.
THANK YOU!
I will sleep.....I still have to use medication to do it....but tonight I will sleep.

Good Luck Bill! I wish you the best. I have been separated for a year (Latbor Day) and I have been angry, I just thought things would be different. Let youe wife pay her $80.00, she spent it, let herpay for it. Do not think that is out of Plan A. I would say of you need the money I will help, but this is your bill, let me know.... Funny, how they can ask for $$$$.

I was thinking about the anger over exposure thing just now, and it IS infuriating to know your spouse is so proud to be yours, and so confidant in themselves, that they will scream it from the rooftops that it's so.

Like I said before, it's the closest we can get to beating our chests in this world and challenging the competition

I love your sigline bill, that you are crazy about her, that's passion.

Yeah she's eating cake, and seeing how you will react. I think Indie nailed it too, seems like she wanted your attention

Do you have the financials and legal steps in place? Then read up on plan B and put your foot down. Before she does more damage to your love B

Bill my WH was dumped two weeks ago by his skankho, and he had the nerve to come to my home and beg me to become friends with her, asked me to call her and tell her the kids will love her, and basically wanted me to call her and make nice so she would get back together with him.

All I did was laugh. When they are in the fog their minds are completely gone. Nothing can be taken serious, and all we can do is educate others to understand how the fog means nothing.

Your WW will be back with time. Anger can only last so long. It is really exhausting to be that angry.

Yes, all details in place.....Plan B????.....I didn't want this to happen.
Had the fantasy that the Wife would suddenly come to her senses....the "Alien" would go away.....the REAL wife would reappear.
Today...THIS morning...I STILL don't know who that woman is anymore.

I STILL don't know who that woman is anymore.

Several thoughts come to me about your situation.

1) That statement above is a very powerful spur to keep you "aligned" with the task that lies before you. Concentrating on the fact that this person is an absolute stranger will certainly define your optimum actions/responses to events. ("You need to give ME $80 because YOU changed phone providers!" "Excuse me, do I know you?")

2) As you go to "Plan B", you will continue for a while to have interactions about (not with) WW with friends and relations. Focus on your shock at the change in your WW - her attitude, her lack of morals, her self-absorption - in those discussions. To them, NEVER include self-deprecating statements such as "Well, I guess I wasn't the ideal....." Remember, part of Plan B is to deny WW "aid and comfort". Primarily this will be YOUR aid and comfort, but it doesn't hurt to have her know that third parties have the true picture of her deceit and immorality.

We all hope that Bill, we all see a different person that we thought was who WS was

It was they who created the idiot that wants to destroy the marrige

NG has a good point, think about it, and know that she has let the cheese slip off her cracker

No negotiations with terrorists

Toughlove, glad to hear an update on what is happening for you... and oh, love that karma bus has finally caught up with WH. Using you as an affair coach though... oh dear! Foggy, foggy, FOGGY! Keep your headlights on toughlove! And proceed with caution...

Bill, none of us wanted this to happen... it is sad, tragic really, that WS's take leave of their senses, morals, integrity and self-respect. And we are left to suffer the consequences, to carry the burden, to grieve for what we once shared with our real spouse.

I know Dr Harley suggests men have the ability to remain in Plan A for longer then women... you can be proud of your efforts and optimism, no way would I have been able to cope as long as you have! Is your $LB now draining? Are you at risk of waking up one day and realising the love is gone? How many more serious withdrawals could WW make before it is empty?

Very importantly Bill, is Plan A starting to take its toll on you... How are YOU?

I am scared to answer that question.......because I am afraid that one morning I will wake up and realize "The Love for her is gone."

How many more SERIOUS withdrawals before it's empty? Not many!

As for me?......I have good days, I have bad days.....I need medication to sleep......the occasional pill to slow the anxiety during the day.
ANY contact with the current "Alien" Wife causes me anxiety.
That's where I am.
I had to work a late shift yesterday....3pm to 11pm
As I worked, my never slowing brain pondered the last 4 months, I found myself getting REALLY ANGRY at WW for all of this garbage she caused and now blames ME FOR!!.
Then on the ride home I was OK and remembering the good times.
Ups and downs......ugh!

It's part of the roller coaster. Part of what helps you hang on... Remember those time that were lovely, that were good, that were pure and beautiful between you two. Withdrawal can take up to 6 months in some spouses.

I went through a several month lull while she was working and not in a fog.... I felt like I was losing love for her. It was in fact, my working through the hurt and pain. it cleared and I was able to begin working again in a less introverted self focused way.

CV

It's been 4 months since WW moved out. (I didn't know about the A yet)
It's been 2 months since D-Day and exposure.
These last 2 months seem like 2 YEARS of HE!!.
The Wife is still blame-shifting and is still in "Alien Fog Babble" on the very few incidents where she communicates with me.
"Working through the hurt and pain".....it's SO TOUGH!
You said withdrawal......me?....or her?

Withdrawal for you, it still hurts even when you are around a really messed up person, when they leave your life, there is still some withdrawal.

How we get healthy again is ussualy based on how we address life everyday.. Are we buyers, or freeloaders or renters by nature..

How do we respond normally to the demands we have in front of us. In the end we are responsible for ourselves and how many lies we will believe.

And as you have seen, lies are very popular with some people at some times. So much they keep them a secret, so they can play make-believe, until they don't know the difference between them and the truth.

You just keep real during all this Bill, it will take time, but here you have a safe place to get advice

YES us BS do go through a fog during personal recovery too. We withdrawal from the contact with the ws and from the trauma of their drama and the fog babble we had to deal with all the time (and sounds like you're still dealing with).

Remember the goal Bill. Remember the goal. Shoot for the goal. Do your best. Remember when the alien speaks, it is like she is speaking in an alien tongue. Makes no sense. So don't really listen. Just try to implement plan A points when you can.

Be your sig line!

Dr. Harley is CORRECT.....absolute worst time of my life.


I call that my Wifes "Facade".....the "make believe appearance" she wants people to believe she is.
With exposure I took away the facade.....and I really believe THAT is what she is most angry with me about.
Where is she going to hide now?


I have begun to be Open & Honest with myself on a daily basis!!.......with that guy in the mirror.
I like that guy!!
Thank You CP


D-Day is CRUSHING!!
And the Fog for us BS's? It's TRUE! I honestly don't remember a great deal of the 3 weeks after D-Day.....it remembers like some distorted bad dream.
My Counselor say that fog is a form of PTSD.....and I believe it!
I'm still having attention and recall issues on a daily basis.


It's too bad that the recovery I want is the two of us in our Marriage and all WW wants is to recover her facade and blame me for it all.....my Wife will see that our Marriage is/was recoverable.....one day.....the question is, will it be too late?


But.....I'm starting to get good at seeing her babble as pure barf!!!
But my heart has a problem understanding that.


Implementing Plan A points with an Foggy Alien is, at times, like trying to explain Nuclear Physics to a 4 year old.
YOU know you're making sense!.....but the Foggy 4 year old Alien is clueless!
But....that Foggy 4 year old Alien DOES understand behavior ......don't they?


OK Peachy......you GOT me there!
It's my sig-line....I mean it!!... so I'd better LIVE IT!!!!

Thanks CP, CV, PIB
You got me through another Plan A Day!!!!!
1 day at a time!!.......it's 1 day at a time!!