I have been lurking on these boards for a while but have not been able to work up the courage to post I am a BH this past July while going through my wife's phone looking for a app that I liked and wanted to put on my phone I found text messages between my wife and my best friend that were very sexually charged I confronted her and she denied anything and said they were just joking and they were nothing serious I of course did not believe her and kept on her but she would not budge so after a long fight I left the house and went to see my best friend.


Pretending that my wife had confessed everything I confronted him to see if I could get him to admit something and it worked he admitted that they had been having sex for the past two years about 30 times over the two years plus God knows how many times they just fooled around I asked him what they did and he said pretty much everything you could think I can't tell you how much it hurt the next thing I knew I was pounding my fist into his face and it only stopped when his roommate came in and hauled me off him he had to be rushed to the emergency room I left armed with this new information back home to confront my wife when I told her what it happened she broke down and admitted everything saying that it meant nothing.I asked her how could she do this to me and she said that she never meant to hurt me that it was supposed to just be some fun and that I was never to find out that it changes nothing between us that I'm still the love of her life and she still wants to be with me I did not take this well I screamed and cursed her out called her every name in the book packed a overnight bag and left for three weeks.



For the first week I did not speak to anyone my wife my family everyone was looking for me the police were even involved when I finally spoke to my mother about 12 days after I left I could not even get the words out to tell her what had been happening I sat there on the phone In silence for 15 min. when I finally said my wife has been sleeping with BF for two years my mom was stunned she was very close with my wife she then asked me what am I going to do I told her I'm not sure in the long run but I do know I cannot stay with my wife she said she understands that please be sure that I think of my daughter's first before I do anything else and that's when it hit me my youngest daughter is under two years old and there's a chance she might not be mine.




Armed with that new way of thinking I drove back went to my daughter's preschool grabbed a sample for a DNA test and left again I went and mailed off for DNA testing they said it would take 4 to 8 weeks so after all that I decided I needed to go home but I just could not so after 20 days at a hotel I drove to my mother's and was stunned by the support I received from my family everyone was shocked that she could do this we are a very close family dinners at each other's house every week her family were also stunned I spoke to her mother on the phone at my parents house she kept saying how sorry she was and that she so ashamed of her daughter also the mother of my former BF was calling the house every day she and my mother have been best friends for over 40 years she kept saying how sorry she was but that if I just sit down with him and he could explain everything would be okay I had to laugh at her when she said this so after about a week staying with my parents I thought I should finally talk to my wife she had been calling the house every day trying to speak to me showed up there multiple times and was turned away by my parents I have not seen my daughters in over 3 weeks and at this point I was missing them terribly.



so I walk through the door and my wife tries to hug me and starts crying saying she's so sorry and that she loves me and please forgive her and she knows this is all her fault. I tell her I have nothing to say to her and I'm only here to see my dear daughter's she says please try to understand how sorry she is and that she will do anything to make me understand that I ignore her and go and see my daughters we watch a movie together I try to keep things light they are asking where I've been I tell them that their mother and I have been going to some personal things and that for them not to worry and I will not do anything to hurt them. Once the movie is over and the girls go out with her friends for the evening I finally have to talk with my wife.




I tell her that I sent our youngest daughter's DNA off to get tested to see if I am the father and tell her that if I'm not I will not be part of my youngest daughter's life this very much upsets her she starts screaming at me that I can't walk out on the daughter's life and that is not her fault and that this was all just a mistake and that we have to get past this that were soulmates and that we are meant to be together forever I tell her I don't want to speak to her until the test results come back she says fine she's 100% sure that our daughter is nine so I go and stay with my parents until the test results come back the test results come back on August 15 and that is when my world is totally destroyed it says that I am not the father. I am heartbroken but now I know what I have to do I immediately get on the phone with my lawyer and move the divorce proceedings forward I have decided that she can have the house and all that I want is half the money and my car and a 50-50 custody schedule the day after the test results come back I had to go and tell my wife the news that we would be getting a divorce.



when I go to the house she is there holding our youngest I am about to tell her when she hands me the child I try not to take the child but the second she's in my arms I know I cannot be without her and that no matter what she is my daughter and I am not ashamed to say I broke down into tears after some time with my daughter I finally tell my wife that I cannot forgive her and that we must get a divorce that I will never be able to move past what she's done and it is the worst kind of betrayal that one human being can do to another she starts crying and begging for me not to leave her that she is so sorry and it just got out of hand I could not stand to be there could not stand to look at her so I left and I have not been back to the house since.



Now every day I have to deal with her lunacy the fact that she cannot accept that we are getting a divorce the fact that she phones me 50 times a day texts hundreds of times a day shows up at my work every day trying to talk to me. friends tell me that she spends all her days just crying has had to take a leave from work and maybe having a nervous breakdown while I feel bad for her I still cannot stand the thought of spending the rest my life with her I mean how could I she betrays me in the most cruel way imaginable and all for what for what she calls "just a bit of harmless fun" it's not so harmless now.


so this brings me to the point of why I'm here I just want to know how can I get her to accept that it's over I mean I don't want her to suffer I just want her to move on that's what I'm trying to do how do I get her to see that this is what's best for both of us And that a messy divorce helps no one and hurts everyone???

First of all oldm I am very sorry to see that you have gone through such a terrible experience, but there is a lot of great advice here.

To assist everyone could you please dot point and date the times for the above events you describe. The reason for this is that it is much easier to see what happened when and in what order so as to give good advice.
Just refer to your first post for each event details at the beginning of the dot points and as for dates just say this was early Jan or Feb etc or a day later whatever, no need for exact day. Its to give some context to the events.

Also to be upfront I am an XWW so I know its sometimes uncomfortable for a BH to have an XWW post so if its an issue just let me know and I'll bow out no promblems at all. Its about helping you not me so I really do understand that

Again so sorry to see you here.

So sorry you are here. You have found a wonderful resource in MarriageBuilders. Some really knowledgeable folks will be on to help you soon.

You have every right, every reason to divorce your wife. She has put you through what many people would agree is the absolutely worst, most painful experience of your life. However, considering that you have children and your wife appears to be remorseful, please think about holding off for about six months on making any major life decisions, and give yourself some time to work through this.

You have your family's support which is great. Do your children know of their mother's adultery? They need to know the source of the tension in their family. MarriageBuilders strongly endorses telling the children in an age-appropriate manner.

A divorce would be terribly painful to the children, even with a 50/50 custody arrangement, although you are completely justified in your decision. After all, the adulterers should have considered this. I have never heard of anyone in the throes of adultery thinking with any kind of logic, so somehow this never occurs to them. Waywards are in the fog and don't think clearly.

Does the OM's wife know? If not, please tell her immediately. She has a right to know what's going on in her marriage.

Reconciliation IS possible, although it is difficult and follows a very narrow path. Divorce is going to have its own pain.

Before proceeding with formal divorce, consider these steps:

1.) Your wife should undergo a polygraph test.
2.) Your wife must agree to No Contact for life and write her OM a letter to that effect. There are samples of NC letters on this website.)
3.) Your wife must agree to complete transparency with you in an integrated lifestyle with you. All email and phone passwords shared, time & money accounted for.
4.) Your wife must agree to building a romantic marriage with you.

No one here will fault you for divorcing! But a recovered marriage is possible and can be very rewarding. Your children would be raised with you and your wife in the same home.

so to summarize

02/07/11 find out about affair completely devastated.

same day confront former best friend get all the details.

same-day confirmed details with wife she confesses I do not take it well

02/07/11-14/07/11 I leave stay at a hotel I do not speak to anyone.

14/07/11 I finally speak to my mother and tell her all that has happened

20/07/11 I leave the hotel and go and stay with my mother and father

22/07/11 finally have to talk with my wife and she tells me every detail I asked and I tell her I'm getting a DNA test for our daughter

23/07/11 I move out of the house and go and stay at a hotel until I can find an apartment

23/07/11-16/08/11 nonstop calls from my wife showing up at my work constantly texting me talking to every person she can find to try and convince me to come home.

28/07/11 I meet with a lawyer get the paperwork filed tell him to wait until the test results come back

15/08/11 DNA test results come back test excludes me as the father I call my lawyer and file for divorce

16/08/11 I hold my baby for the first time in almost a month and realize I cannot be without her and I'm her father no matter what

16/08/11 I tell my wife I filed for divorce and she will be served in a few days

17/08/11 I tell my daughters that I will be divorcing their mother and that I will not be coming home

24/08/11 wife is served with divorce papers I think the divorce is fair she gets the house and everything in it I get my car and 50% of our savings and pension

26/08/11-To present The real lunacy begins wife start showing up at my work every day I have told security not to let her in so she stands outside sometimes for hours starts showing up at my hotel trying to seduce me and starts to scream at me when I won't sleep with her

28/08/11 wife loses her job

02/09/11 I find an apartment and move in

03/09/11 work out an arrangement with my wife's mother she will pick up the kids and drop them off at my apartment we have all agreed that what my wife should not know where I live

05/09/11 wife finds out where I live breaks in I come home she tries to force herself on me she gets violent when I say no I have to call her parents to come and get her

So this is pretty much where I am at this point I'm starting to lose my mind and I know she's beginning to lose hers have such sadness for her but I just can't be with her

Sounds like your wife needs to see a doctor. Truly, many people have to seek help and go on AD meds for a while to maintain a bit of sanity and level-headedness. Doesn't have to be forever, just for a time. You might also consider it for yourself.

I am concerned, too, for the children in her care. Your wife sounds completely distraught. Would any family members consider staying with her and the children for a few days?

OM. I'd like to take you at your word when you say:

I just want to know how can I get her to accept that it's over

You cannot mandate that she emotionally/psychologically accept her new reality as a soon-to-be-divorced, proven adulteress. What you can do is shield yourself from her actions which, believe it or not, are directed to loading guilt on you for actions she took.

That would be easy to accomplish. You have your lawyer draft a letter to her (and her lawyer?), stating that any and all communication is to be lawyer-to-lawyer, and as soon as she violates that (and she will), you get a court restraining order forbidding her to contact you, punishable in the violation by a contempt citation.

her mother has been staying with her pretty much since Dday but she has to work so she can watch her 24/7 we have tried to get her to see a doctor but unless she starts to hurt herself we can't force her and I have my worries about the kids as well but from what I have been told the only time she is even close to normal is when the kids are there and they love their mom and she loves them I may not want to be with her anymore but I would never take the kids from her

A#1. You collected the DNA from a preschool? I might have this redone. Either way, the parentage is not this childs fault, and any rejection she (the girl) senses from you (they are very perceptive) will not be a good thing for her. Please consider that.

B. You have every right to divorce. There are many sites that will help you with that. ...but
You came to MB. I am hoping that that may indicate that you are still thinking about married life.

July, Aug. Sept. ..not a very long time. You are traumatized, three months is not really that long to make these kind of descisions. You may, (I mean we have many BS who have forgiven and worked out their marriage problems) after some time to reflect and recollect your thoughts, want to try recovery.

I am so sorry that you are here. I am sorry that you are going through this. I am sorry that your children are in the middle.

There is a way out of this marriage, there is a way to recovery. Only you can decide if/when/how that is going to happen.

I'm sorry I should've clarified I got a kit and went and took my dear daughter from preschool and got the swap you need to take to send off and get tested

and as for reconciliation and why I'm on this site as you can see under my name I registered here long before I found out about the affair I originally came on this site because my wife and I were arguing about where to take a vacation I'm not used to arguing with my wife as we never really argued very much and I would always lose so I came here hoping to learn some skills on how to deal with my wife better.I never thought I would need the site for something like this so I thought I would post my story because I can't be the first guy who's wife cheated on him and he does not want to stay I was hoping to hear from any BS on how to deal with your life after divorce and adultery and also I was kind of hoping to hear from any WW's who want their spouses to forgive them but they wouldn't/won't

I love that part about her trying to guilt me but I really do not want to go and get a restraining order against her it would hurt the kids and I do not want to do that and I do not want to control her emotions I just want her to come to the practical realization that we can't fix this but to be honest at the same time I wish we could

Take a look at this thread posted in the Recovery forum by wulffpack_girl. It's illuminating. She's one of the reasons I could find my way to accepting my FWH's remorse and take the road to recovery. Her husband was devastated by her adultery but began to find his way to recovery. She made a huge mistake in trickle-truthing him for the next several months and that further devastated him. He has since moved out and they are not in recovery. She is incredibly remorseful.

How do I Help my HB?

I don't read much in the Divorced Forum, but there is one here on MB in the General Forums area.

Some very helpful threads have been recently posted from betrayed husbands in the SAA forum. Some have very remorseful wives, while others are still in the fog.

Some betrayed husbands in recovering marriages post in the Recovery forum.

OM, if your goal is to convince her that the marriage is over, a restraining order is probably a good first step.

Other than that, it will take time.

Your 2yo dd is still legally your child even if you have DNA evidence that you are not the bio father. You need to do whatever it takes to get 50/50 custody of her because your wife sounds mentally unstable.

thanks I will take a look at it

as far as the restraining order goes I'm not going to get one and that's my final decision can't see my feelings on that changing

And on the custody matter I'm not really worried she has in no way responded to my filing for divorce legally that is if I wanted to take everything we own I don't think I'd have much trouble from a legal standpoint because she is refusing to even acknowledge the fact that we are getting divorced

OM, glad you are here to get broader help with this. To the wonderful posters helping OM he has tried but cannot seem to get past the double betrayal of his WW and BFF having an A. Add the cherry on top of him not being the biological father of his youngest DD and you have a very, very hurt man with (my opinion) an unremorseful and selfish WW.

And on the custody matter I'm not really worried she has in no way responded to my filing for divorce legally that is if I wanted to take everything we own I don't think I'd have much trouble from a legal standpoint because she is refusing to even acknowledge the fact that we are getting divorced.

You, Sir, have a lot to learn about divorce.

Why, at this point, do you care about how she "accepts" your descision to divorce?
What do you want her to DO?

Are you afraid that she is somehow going to harm the children? Is she going to harm herself? Does she have other/family support? (not for the A, but for the divorce)


more importantly..
What advice do you think we can give you about controlling your WW thougts / behaviors?
She will get the idea soon enough.

Good Luck to you. There is a lot of good advice here.

oldmittens, this site is not only for those who want to save their marriages. We have a whole divorce section, after all. Some people do decide to divorce and there is nothing wrong with that. You are just as welcome as anyone else.

So sorry you find yourself in this nightmare.

you say the site has a divorce action do I have to delete this post to post in that section

I want her to accept that it's over and get on with her life and be happy I don't want to hurt her I just want to move on I don't see how this makes me a bad person.


And no I'm not afraid that she will hurt the children I'm afraid she will hurt herself and yes her mother has been staying with her since D-Day.


as far as advice goes I was hoping I could get some advice on how To handle this whole situation I want advice on how to make sure me and my daughters come out of this with as little pain as possible and yes my wife to despite all this I do still love her very much and want nothing but the best life for her it's just I can't see how I can move past this I can't understand how she could do this I'm just so very confused

If you want to move your thread to the divorce board you can or you can leave it here. If you want to move it just hit notify and ask a moderator to move it for you.