I have been VERY clear to her about my wishes and willingness to recover our Marriage. I just keep getting refused and pushed away.
The Alien factor is HUGE on her end.....the fog-babble is massive and deep.
It's like nothing I have EVER seen before. My Wife just isn't there......my "Real Wife" might be in there.....but she isn't in control.
She won't take responsibility for what she has done. She is blame-shifting and making me the bad guy, because I exposed her far and wide, in order to cope.
It's very sad.




And it IS day by day that I can cope.....each day I ask God for the strength to get through ONE MORE DAY.
I don't want to get bitter.....just don't need it!

I had to stop a sec and think... I remember doing this for 9 months with my W when she was in the A. I couldn't prove the A and she wasn't admitting. Laid a lot of crap on me to change, etc... No responsibility at all.

I didn't know what plan A was, but was plan A-ing my butt off. It DID pay off. the fog lifted for us on Dday. I had forgotten that I was the bad guy for pushing and pushing. But you know what? If we gotta be bad guys, let's be bad guys for doing the right thing!

CV

I remember an old song, one that I used to sing at times of trial, heartaches and confusion, years ago. "Minute by minute" by The Doobie bros. with Micheal Mcdonald. It seems that even when we don't have the ability to make it day by day there is a provision to make it minute by minute. From what I know about God he gives us second by second also..nanosecond by nanosecond..its unmeasurable in our understanding.

We can trust in the right thing to do, or pervert it by making a compromise for a few crumbs of what it should be. Those decisions of what we will accept are our choices, and when it comes down to what we respect marraige as, thats our choice also.

If someone wishes to compromise the marraige, and drag it down, compare it, and not work on what they have allready, they are cutting thier own throat, and they do not see it. Its like sand was thrown in thier eyes.

This is why waywards allways affair down, and at best spend thier lives making excuses and convincing themselves of flimsy reasons why they quit thier marriages for the next affariage, or worse the next AP, or next Boy or girl friend..

God will not honor those people, thier hearts and attitudes, or give them peace, but mostly they will not really know love as it was meant to be. Ask any recovered marriage, or a healthy one, and you will hear the same. "I am supposed to be married to so-n-so and I have absolutly no doubt!"

I will pray WW will come around to God again and put Him in charge also Bill. In Him we can trust our hearts

When the WW and I were in Marriage Counseling (before WW left the house and before D-Day) the Counselor asked us both "Are you in an affair?"
WW lied to the Counselor and said "NO".
But WW had no problem listing my faults to the Counselor.
Now.....WW was correct about many of those faults, and the pain of that is difficult for me now also.....BUT I ACCEPT THAT AND I AM WILLING TO CHANGE!.....for my own betterment and for my Marriage.
I'm NOT giving up!!
"Let's be bad guys for doing the right thing!"
I LIKE IT!!

MY DAUGHTER CALLED ME TODAY!!!

DD was crying at one point......she is obviously emotionally overloaded.
I WILL NOT increase her emotional burden!
We are having dinner tomorrow.
I WILL keep dinner discussion tomorrow about DD and I ......NOT about her Mom!
DD has had WAY TOO MUCH emotional trauma in this.

THANK YOU LORD for my DD!!

YAY, Bill! I was hoping she would come around!

Good news,
just reassure her your relationship will not change, tell you missed her very much but wanted to give her time to absorb the news and the changes but glad she is okay and willing to continue contact........
make a pack to get together and stay in contact having the relationship be just about you two.
jessi

Just love on her. Let her direct the conversation. If she needs to talk, let her talk.

CV

And given time, she may end up being your biggest ally in bringing your W around.

Great news Bill!!! I noticed you had been quiet on the boards so glad to hear you have gotten good news.

Enjoy the time with your DD at dinner. Listen to her... if she steers the conversation to WW, she may want to get things off her chest and I think you should let her. Just remember that if you lovebust about your WW, you are lovebusting DD's mother.

Wow, this gives you a chance to show your commitment to maintaining your relationship with your DD despite your WW's actions. DD will see the man you are, the example you are setting for her with relationships. Bon appetit Bill!

UGH......
DD canceled our dinner.....said she "doesn't feel good, didn't sleep well last night".
I believe her......she sounded tortured on the phone.....I'm sure the anxiety is hitting her too.
I will give her space........give her time.
She called me yesterday....she will call again.
But....Dad DOES worry about her!
Thank you for your support!!

Hang in there Bill, she WILL call. Give her time.

Sorry about your disappointment though...

Do something nice for yourself... maybe go out with friends for dinnner instead?

Something Strange happened this week.

As you know the WW has broken off all contact with me after the exposure (July 2011...WW left moved out of the May 2011).

There are two friends here in the town where I live, a Husband/Wife couple, that my wife and I shared our lives with for the last 3 years. (I'll use the names Tom & Carol for simplicity)
The four of us would share our sporting events together (all four of us are HEAVILY INVOLVED in this sport), we shared lunches, dinners, picnics, birthdays, out of town events.
We were close as two couples can be. Even they noticed the change in in my Wife over the last 12 to 18 months.

When WW left the house in May she cut off ALL contact with them. NOT ONE WORD to them after moving.

This couple has saved my life during this separation, D-Day, exposure and my ongoing emotional recovery. I owe my mental and physical health to their Love and support!!!
EVERYONE in WW's small circle knows that this couple has been my emotional salvation during this.

So......last week.......out of the blue......Carol gets a text message from WW that says "I miss you. Hope You and Tom are doing well."

I think reality is kicking in for WW......because this is VERY unlike the WW and the WW KNOWS that Tom and Carol are COMPLETELY aware of the entire affair and events.

Interesting.....but strange.

It sounds like WW is missing this part of her 'old' life and sent out a feeler to Carol. Possibly she is hoping to get some sort of absolution from someone she was close to (in order to feel better about herself), possibly to see if their friendship can resume in WW's new 'altered' world.

How did Carol respond?

Carol responded in a Neutral manner.....and received a curt "I'm happy" response.

This may get interesting.

Bill: This does sound interesting. I'm not sure what the right protocol is, but my gut is telling me that you should encourage Carol to try to sway your wife to give up her AP and that you'd be thrilled to being to restore your marriage. But that, of course, you wouldn't be a doormat to her cake-eating.

Not sure, but having people remind her what she's giving up, how hurtful her actions are, how willing you are (with precautions, etc), might give her the opening she needs?

Hopefully, someone withe more Plan B experience will chime in.

Cheers,
SP

Sweet Pea, I think you missed something - Carol and her H were friends of Bill and his WW. She's not having an affair.

Yes it sounds like the old adage about how horrible it was at home with all the chores to do, the dishes to wash, taking out the trash, Oh it was just horrible!

Then you start to realize just how good you had it, and miss the lifestyle, that you had somehow come to hate.

She probably wants to reconnect with Carol, but with her new self, and be accepted just as she is now. Want it all with no repercussions? Yes.

My DD was 19 when my WW then fully relapsed into Alcohol and living with a dim-witted drinker and Coke-head. She was invited over with her BF at the time to have dinner with them at dimwits house, so she being a graciuos and polite girl who missed her old family life and Mom, went over.

She heard her Mom telling all the tall tales of how wonderful it was going to be, they were going to buy a house, and la-de-dada.. She must have put on such an act..

But my DD, calmly and clearly said, "Thats nice Mom, but we will never be visiting you there" It must have torn my little girl apart, because it shocked my WW, from what I heard, and my DD loved her Mom dearly. But DD kept her composure, and was waiting till the day WW died to see her Mom come back to earth, so we could all be together again.

She knew what Mom was doing was a slap in the face to all of us who had been working to support the family, and to my 24-7 work ethic, for what was true and sound, all of our lives.

See Carol and Tom have that same opportunity, and I hope they take it, to help bring WW back to earth. So much temptation to pick apart those closest to you, and tear apart those who hold you up. I hope they stand for marriage, and do not compromise it.

Proverbs 16:32
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

Your WW does not know what spirit she is of ATM, and a calm reminder that she is wrong, and is disrespecting herself and all that is given for her protection and health, would be good news for her, even if she does not want to hear it.

Praying she will hear it Bill

Just had to add that my xwh, Darth, also tried to reconnect with our pre-divorce friends also and was SHUNNED by them. She is trying to get the friends to ACCEPT the affair partner, and of course real friends WILL NOT.

So she will learn a boundary. I am not sure if she is pining away for her old life. She may be by now (prob a little bit), but when you're knee deep in fog (or something else that's stinky)you just are that way, stupidly fogged out. And in that state, she is wanting to gain acceptance for her affair.

She doesn't like being shunned by your "couple" friends. She misses that and what she had (legitimacy) and is seeking that now with the former friends.

Imho, best thing to do is like the other poster said, and have the other friends TELL HER ADULTERY IS WRONG AND THAT THEY WILL NOT ACCEPT OM. That puts a boundary in place and also nails another coffin in the affair fantasy she has created.

In affairland, ww is imaginging a world where YOU pay all her bills, the OM just caters to her every whim, and she retains all her assets she shared in the marriage, and also has the love and respect of all her friends because "she was so brave to have to leave her marriage". That is the DREAM of every stinkin' wayward.

Didya know that? That is their common dream. And it's our job to make sure they find out IT IS ONLY A DREAM and that reality is far far different.

No, I understood it. Carol is friend of Bill's. Wayward wife reached out to Carol. Carol was neutral. Wouldn't it be better for Carol to tell WS to clean up her act so that WW can return to the man that truly loves her (I had to re-edit this last part)?

That's what I was trying to say, but probably came out mangled.