Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 177 of 199 1 2 175 176 177 178 179 198 199
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,428
Originally Posted by Scotland
I had a weak moment where I thought texting Bampot, "I Swear" at 1032pm tomorrow would be a good idea. I have since come to my senses and remembered that it would be such a bad idea. I am going to make tomorrow the best "ordinary day" I can. Thanx Indie. That really helped me, more than you will ever know.
And thank you Scotland, you show me the way Plan B and recovery should be done, inspire me to be strong, and have given support through your advice, more then you will ever know. Including giving me a slap when I need it (re other thread) on the day before your anniversary! blush


Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.

WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.

Plan B has set me free.

"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Happy Scotty's family day. We love and adore and respect the heck out of you dear friend.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Happy Happy Happy Scotland!
Flowers and candy and gems to you and the kids.

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Scotland --

Have you considered doing a "peek"?
I know its been recommended once or twice to you -- but its been a long while.
Maybe the anniversery is the right time to do that -- and thats why the thought popped in your head?


Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
No peeks!
Peekless is best.







Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Thank you for that Lexxxy, I do not believe that I am strong enough for that right now. I am seriously processing my Plan B, and I would give in too easily at this time. I know myself.

I was asked today if I was going to file for a D soon, and I have been thinking about that too. I still won't because if Bampot were to come to my door tomorrow, I would still try to recover with him. That tells me that I am not ready to file. There is no financial need to do so now, so unless Bampot files before I am ready, I will wait until then.

BTW, for those of you who think differently, it actually has NOTHING to do with Bampot. I can say that honestly. It is about ME and where I am at in my recovery.

It's so far off from where someone starts in Plan B, and that is a good thing, but for me, it's not close enough to wanting a D.

There is a lot of processing one goes through while in Plan B. You have a lot of time to think about things. And at first, your thoughts are constantly about your WS and their OP. After a while, and with a lot of nudging by MBers, your focus comes to you. You start to figure out who you are and the life you want. Sometimes, you even realize that your WS doesn't fit into that life anymore. In my case, Bampot would still fit, if he were to agree to MB programs and be repentant for what he has done.

I have been looking at men out an about, trying to figure out my "type" in regards to PA. I even let myself think about what it would be like to have someone else meet my ENs. But it still feels so wrong to me. It still feels like I am cheating on Bampot, and that's how I KNOW I am NOT ready.

I know that DrH suggests 2 years for Plan B. I also know that in my case, I have stated that I would need more time than that. I have actually stated that I would refuse to speak to Bampot directly in any way as long as he is still having an A with WF. So, instead of asking me when my Plan B will end(since I just stated that date), the question will be, "When am I ready to file for a D?" That answer is 2 fold. When I am ready to be D, or if I need it for financial reasons. So, until then, I will continue to focus on creating a life for my children and I. And this life will be GRAND. Because, I said so. grin


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Something to consider Scotty, if Bampot actually DID decide to straighten up his act and come home, I think he would be very surprised to find that the woman/wife he returns to isn't the same person. I KNOW you would set the bar very high because you've become such a strong woman. It would be the hardest thing he's ever done in his life because you've already done all the personal work and he hasn't even started. It would be hard on you too so just make very sure if that opportunity arose that you are prepared.

You rock Scotty and are an exemplary MBer!!

(((Scotty)))


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Family Day, I like that.

Happy Family Day Scotty.

hugs

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
If you were to find you need to file for financial reasons, could you do that in a timely timeframe? Aleviate the financial strain in a quick enough fashion? I know you are heralded here as a master MBer, but you sound much to me like a wait-and-see'r.

I am no expert, but I would be **edit** if I'd wait out a two year affair. Are your d days involving the same OW?

Last edited by MBLBanker; 09/20/11 10:18 PM. Reason: TOS; profanity - please do not bypass profanity filter

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,462
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,462
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by CWMI
If you were to find you need to file for financial reasons, could you do that in a timely timeframe? Aleviate the financial strain in a quick enough fashion? I know you are heralded here as a master MBer, but you sound much to me like a wait-and-see'r.

I am no expert, but I would be **edit** if I'd wait out a two year affair. Are your d days involving the same OW?
If a BS does not want to wait out her spouse's affair then of course she can file for divorce and have done with it.

However, the infidelity part of Dr Harley's programme applies to those who wish to attempt marital recovery. That YOU wouldn't wish to recover your marriage after a two-year timeframe is immaterial. There is no need to insult Scotty or anyone else in Plan B. "Heralded here as a master MBer" is simply a disguised attack.

Dr Harley advises that spouses (who want to follow Plan B; nobody has to do it) should give the WS up to two years before filing for divorce. Please don't mock someone for following his advice.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Jun 2011
Posts: 11,650
Originally Posted by Scotland
I was asked today if I was going to file for a D soon, and I have been thinking about that too. I still won't because if Bampot were to come to my door tomorrow, I would still try to recover with him. That tells me that I am not ready to file. There is no financial need to do so now, so unless Bampot files before I am ready, I will wait until then.

BTW, for those of you who think differently, it actually has NOTHING to do with Bampot. I can say that honestly. It is about ME and where I am at in my recovery.


I totally get this. How many times have we seen a BS go to D or plan FU too soon, and then in a few months time, they have a repentant spouse on their hands, doing all the right things plus a new bf or gf, who has done nothing wrong but is now no longer the sole focus of affections.

The BS ends up being in love with two people, a situation none of us want.

I like Scotty will ask myself the key q, 'Would I reconcile if he were truly repentant?' Before i divorce. I would want to be truly done.

That's because I would want any new relationship to be extraordinary - and you need a clean slate to do that.

Anything less is irresponsible.

I hope in my case that my personal recovery wont take two years - but it might.

There really is no way to find out except to be a 'wait'n'seer'


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 11,539
Scotty is doing everything right for HER and following Dr. H's plan as well. It is because she wants to be the best she can be D'd or in R.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
At two years outta the gate......

the betrayed spouse is still in the driver seat of plan B.

Whether they file for a legal sep/D or not

they are still where they are. LOL.

A divorce would make them legally/morally available to find another love but they feel what they feel what they feel. The only plus to filing something is it might (actions) help to create a new sense of empowerment to heal.

Plans of action vs feelings alone (actions create feelings as MB shows us).

You can file and still be open to future reconciliation just as if you did not. Could you find someone else? Yes.

Would that complicate things? Yes.

Would your WH need to meet very stringent guidelines of willingness to recover the marriage. Heck yes.

My favorite mantra is "Trust in the plan".

Last edited by reading; 09/21/11 08:31 AM. Reason: added stuff
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,786
I believe the hardest part about personal recovery and staying in love during Plan B is perseverance.

I find I go back and forth between love and no love. I must be close to draining my love bank. My anger is gaining strength due to his abandonment of our children.

My Plan B incorporates me understanding and grasping the nature of affairs as an addiction. Remembering he is addicted to the person and the fun he had while deployed helps me to keep my love for him.

I find Scotty's perseverance through her Plan B as a goal I hope to attain. I still look at my many kids and realize saving my marriage is still the best option, so I must have perseverance.

I understand the nature of Plan B. When I am completely dark I find myself so much healthier. I feel today I can finally let go of the control over my WH's life, and refocus it in being a great mom.

I see the pain of my children everyday from my WH's abscense. It is tragic and truly devastating to watch. It is hard to not call him up, rip him a new one, and go into Plan FU.

Plan B allows me to keep those thoughts to myself, and then refocus on why it isn't my job to educate him.

I enjoy the perseverance, discipline, and nature of Plan B. I find it inspiring to read others who are in Plan B, and have gone on to grow and come out a better person. I realize that is likely my outcome. I will be divorced and saving my marriage is unlikely today. I will come out of this a better person.

Tough~

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
Originally Posted by reading
At two years outta the gate......

the betrayed spouse is still in the driver seat of plan B.

Whether they file for a legal sep/D or not

they are still where they are. LOL.

A divorce would make them legally/morally available to find another love but they feel what they feel what they feel. The only plus to filing something is it might (actions) help to create a new sense of empowerment to heal.

I filed immediately and D was final in 6 months after D day. However, my situation was different than Scottie's in several ways. My WH was a seriel cheater. I found out unbelievable, gut wrenching stuff about his behavior over the course of our 25 year marriage. I didn't want him. And I wanted to be absolutely certain I did not allow him any room to try and suck me back in.

I keep watching Scottie with amazement. I think she has to do what she thinks is best...and that doesn't make her any better or worse at MB'ing or SAA than others of us. My concern is that she might somehow get STUCK on Plan B....but I've seen small signs of movement in her thinking and I do believe she is approaching the end of her Plan B.

She rocks. smile

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Thank you for all your kind words. Even the words encouraging me to move on are taken as the way they seem to be intended, as help for me. They may help someone else, as there are many who read my thread now, and many more who may benefit from it in the future.

I was speaking to a woman at work today. Her DH passed away 15 years ago. She has 3 daughters, they are now in their 20's. She started dating, for the first time, since her DH passed, 2 years ago. She is going to be married in less than a year. I told her that I was feeling pressure to file for a D, but I felt like I am really not ready for that yet. She told me, "Then don't. You'll know when it is time. Look at how much you have changed and grown so far. You'll be ready one day, but not today." She was so right. I have changed. I am still moving in the right direction.

SW, you don't need to worry about me getting stuck. In these almost 2 years, I have gone from, "I don't want to have a BF ever again," to, "It might be nice to have someone who cherishes me and treats me right, and it doesn't necessarily need to be Bampot." For me, that is HUGE.

CW, yes, the DDays were the same OW. I already knew that this journey of mine wasn't going to be an easy one. I accepted that. But I want to make everyone aware. Being in Plan B, and following the MB plans is exactly the right choice for me.

I am such an advocate for the MB way, that I am being extra hard on myself right now. I feel like I need to move on at the 2 year mark, because that's what DrH suggested in his books. But, it's not right for me, only because I need more time. Thing is, I don't feel like I am not doing MB right, I actually feel like I am doing it exactly right for me. I am staying dark. I am working on recovering myself. I am focused on my healing. I am creating a life without my WH. I am laughing with friends. I am not only surviving an affair, I am thriving.

So, I think I am going to be a little less hard on myself, and let this recovery lead me where it is supposed to, and that is, RECOVERED( I am speaking personally of course).

PM, don't worry, I have already come to terms with that. And to be honest, I know that Bampot has that in him, and I am worth it, so if he doesn't want to do the work, I don't want him. I am holding out for someone who IS willing to do the work, because I am willing to do all of the work needed on my side of the fence, and that includes getting personally recovered, if my marriage is going to be over.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 76
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 76
I just wanna say, Scotty, you impress the heck out of me. B is for personal recovery and you are doing perfect for you.

Sometimes I read your thread and my taker starts screaming that you need to move on and leave your WH to the wolves. Then, other times, it just awes me that you're strong enough to know what you need to do to get right.

Thankfully, the awe is coming more often than the screaming taker now (she is SO annoying and selfish!).

Your last few pages remind me of step 4 in AA/Alanon, which, since I'm redoing it all, is rough for me this time around, due to the A. Your thread helps me a great deal there.

hurray



Me: BW
WH 41 (practicing alcoholic)
Married 20 yrs
DS20, DD15, DD9
Too many D-Days to account for, more FRs than I care to admit
NC since 03/11, broken 04/11
NC again 07/11 broken 12/11
Plan D full steam ahead, made WH leave
WH now living with his "soul mate" (we call her donkeychui) 1/13/2012
D filed 01/25/2012
D final 05/15/2012
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
And, it hasn't been two years yet.

When it makes that juncture, you never know where you will be at. Emotionally, recovery wise, etc.

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 6,870
Originally Posted by Scotland
I was asked today if I was going to file for a D soon, and I have been thinking about that too. I still won't because if Bampot were to come to my door tomorrow, I would still try to recover with him. That tells me that I am not ready to file. There is no financial need to do so now, so unless Bampot files before I am ready, I will wait until then.

BTW, for those of you who think differently, it actually has NOTHING to do with Bampot. I can say that honestly. It is about ME and where I am at in my recovery.


Fact is, Scotty knows just what shes doing, and the two year mark is proven to be the time when the human brain starts to come back to earth.

Not just from My observations and experienece
Not just from DR Hs, experienece.
But from Tons of scientific data on human behavior thats out there, case files, etc.

If there is a bunch of crazy things getting in his way of stopping and thinking, two years might not be long enough, and of course pride and stubborness, also play a big part in this.

Bampot, although maybe having other contributing factors that is keeping him where he is, instead of home where he belongs, might take longer before he has a proper thought take charge in his head, but thier is no doubt that Scotty is doing the best for those boys to have a chance to respect thier Dad, and that is a gift to those boys, that would be imearsureable.

Yeah Scotty, I understand it totally, and your example and strength for the boys is worth more than gold. They are the important victims in this, and you are caring for them well.

You live in affairland, you know how nasty that place is. God Bless you.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
CP, I just want to clarify something. This is NOT about giving Bampot more time. This has NOTHING to do with Bampot. I mean it. I am not ready to label myself a divorcee. Whenever I think about filing for a D, my stomach turns, and I have a small anxiety attack. And why would I be filing for a D right now? I am no where near ready to date. I don't need to do it for financial reasons. I don't need to do it right now to protect myself. If I would be totally honest, I might file for a D right now as a last chance to wake Bampot up. That is the LAST reason that someone should file for a D.

When I am ready, I will file, if Bampot hasn't filed first. If he does file, I will deal with that, and I am ready. It's funny, I no longer get anxiety about being served papers. If it happens, it happens.

I am harder on myself than on anyone else. I hold myself to a higher standard, because I KNOW when I can do better. I push myself because no one else can. Changing who you are, or who you have become, isn't easy. And as I was told, recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. I feel like I am in the last 1/4 of that marathon, and I have a really mean end kick. IRL, when I was a runner, my kick at the end could be matched by no other, because that's when I give my ALL. Let's see what the last of this run will take me.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Page 177 of 199 1 2 175 176 177 178 179 198 199

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
2 members (anchorwatch, Mature), 154 guests, and 44 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5