Like you said wait a little while, no notice. Then about 8 or 9 months later make her take another one. When she asks if she is going to have to take these all the time, tell her maybe. In other words, she needs to believe that you could pop one on her sometime in the future. If the question of trust comes up, just tell her that she was able to convince you for 2 years that another mans child was yours. she was able to convince you that she was "The Happiest Girl in the whole USA". Able to make you believe that she was yours body and soul. She was so very good at cheating, that you don't even know the part of her that would do that to you. Tell her you love her and without anger and that you won't be obsessive about it. BUT for the rest of your life you will need to check on her fidelity. Unfortunately, it is now part of the maintenance you have to do on your marriage. And its part of her penance.

Watching a cheater is not a prison sentence. But it sure as hell is parole.

bad day today Very bad triggers everywhere I go In the house I picture them having sex They pretty much had sex in every room in the house� The only place They didn't have sex really was in Our bed which is something I suppose so I got an idea( really I was inspired by another poster here) So I go around and move everything that triggers me my desk the couch in the living room and the couch in the reck room And some other things and load them into my truck and I get my wife and tell her to collect any clothes she wore when they had sex any lingerie or anything she wore for him or wore while with him bring it We pack it all up drive out to the dump and Ditch it and I must say felt great my wife just smiled at me and said whatever you need to do I'm behind you 100% and it felt really good to hear her say that but that soon went away still having the same problem I'm having since D-Day I am Fine around my wife For a little while then after a while I just get angrier and angrier when I look at her today was a big step its two-hour ride back and forth to the dump it's the longest time we spent alone together without me getting angry at her i keep telling myself baby steps How long does This anger Phase last.

months,years.........It will not stop until you know she has actually changed. Keep thinking of the questions.

not the answer I was hoping for but I have to keep telling myself that we had something great for and we can have it again

It really depends on you.I was angry.. really angry for 2 years. I mean really really angry...

Then... it just stopped. Baby steps is the key. the thing is, the anger, while it remains, DOES get easier to manage. you will be able to go longer and longer without AOs and will be angrier for shorter periods of time.

CV

I don't know how long it lasts, but I can tell you that you may get angrier in about 6-12 months from now.

Have you thought about doing the online program?

[i]

Quote

it was supposed to just be some fun and that I was never to find out that it changes nothing between us

I will never be able to move past what she's done and it is the worst kind of betrayal that one human being can do to another

I mean how could I she betrays me in the most cruel way imaginable and all for what for what she calls "just a bit of harmless fun" it's not so harmless now.

Just for purposes of reminding how this thread started.

[/i]

And here we come to the crux of your problem. I think you have this idyllic view of your wife, a fantasy that has no connection in reality as you found out the hard way. I'll bet your wife knows this well and has used it to her advantage throughout your marriage. I wondered about the title of your thread from the beginning, why would a guy try to convince a WS who has committed paternity fraud to "accept" anything? Almost like you felt you had to ask permission to divorce? And I wondered why? And I think we now have the answer. I think your wife is banking on that you will eventually cave and that everything will be back to normal if she can just get you to not leave for the next few months.

How much would you like to bet that this is not the first, or even the second time, she has cheated on you? Remember, it means nothing to her, it's just a little fun. As long as you don't know, it doesn't matter, right? Doesn't matter who with or even if she brings men into your home, yeah, she has a lot of respect for you. I hate to have to bring this up, but I would find a way to have a paternity test fro ALL of your children. You could do it without anyone knowing by collecting hair from a hairbrush.

OldMittens, there are some well meaning people here that want to try to do the best for posters who come here with problems. Sometimes you get very divergent views on how to proceed and it can be very confusing. I've already posted to you about the ramifications about decisions you will have to make shortly. If you are to continue your marriage to this woman, at the very least you need to consult with an attorney about a post-nuptual agreement acknowledging that you are not the biological father of the child and that if you were to get divorced in the future, you will not pay child support but would be willing to continue to be a father figure, and that you and your wife would share custody of all of your children. Not sure if this would fly legally so that is why I recommend you ask your attorney.

FWIW, I think you were right to file for divorce, and I think it would be a BIG mistake for you to reconcile. But since your wife is still a beautiful woman, perhaps you should proceed with a polygraph as some others have suggested. The first two questions should be:

Is this the first time you have cheated? If not, how many times?

Do you intend to cheat again?

I think you'll find out a lot more just before she takes the polygraph, if she agrees to do it at all. After all, she probably knows all she has to do is be beautiful again and all this unpleasantness will just go away.

There seem to be many people here, who seem to think the worst of Mitt's wife and seem to think he is incapable of thinking for himself.

It is confusing enough the way it is.

Before jumping to conclusions about the nature of the wife or of Mitt himself, let's consider:

- Mitt has known his wife for 20+ years. Allthough there were times he had a view of her that was too rosey, it is virtually impossible to give of a false image of yourself for 20 years, without the real you showing through the cracks. We do not expect anyone to be perfect either. I know I am not. Mitt has been rudely awakened of any pink glasses since and has been thinking back hard since then.
- Taking a lie detector test (although not 100% reliable) certainly seems a good idea in this case, to gain some perspective. If the wife knows this a few days beforehand, it is not going to falsify the results, but gives her the opportunity to think hard if there is anything she might have omitted, that she wants to spill beforehand. Up until that day, any speculations about if she is sincere or not, are just that. Speculations.
- There have been many betrayed spouses here, painting the picture of how irrealistic the thinking of their wayward were during the fog. We have also read the stories of waywards, coming here and sincerely wanting to turn themselves around, although from an outward perspective, they were deep in the fog.

Only time can tell if Mitt's wife has what it takes to turn this around and to stay on track and to make things right as far as she has the power to do so. Only time will tell if they will be able to work and get the marriage that is even better than before, because it is based on total honesty and consideration and understanding of the needs of the two people involved.

God bless,

Happyheart

Wow a lot to respond to First of all I do not think I have an idealized view of my wife But I can see how people would've thought that from way I Spoke Of her on this site I was just trying to get across that I thought things were going great Between us And if not for me finding those text messages I would never have known The affair even happened but My wife has always had a selfish streak in her and I've always been well aware of that but I would never have thought she would have sex with FBF and that has really changed my view of her but I'm willing to give it another try based on the fact I love her and truly believe she is sorry and realizes it was a mistake and the wrong thing to do but I still struggle with the fact that she might do it again she said she would miss but I can't be sure at least not yet.


But I do believe she's sorry and is willing to do anything to make it up to me we spoke yesterday and she told me to just think of anything I might need to make this easier and she will do it and I told her when things was that I needed to see her make an effort To show remorse And shame for what she's done but at the same time I'm having a hard time with this because things were not bad before the affair I read on this site that so many people go through Affairs were In unhappy marriages to an extent where one of the people In the relationship was unhappy she says she was very happy and her affair had nothing to do with me and what I was doing or not Doing and I struggle with that because if I was to nothing wrong what's to stop her from doing it again I read books on affairs and I read this site but I'm finding it hard to relate to some of it because it seems that in almost every affair someone was unhappy beforehand what do you do when you have a spouse who says you were doing nothing wrong before the affair.






I've been investigating trying to find proof of more affairs but I have not found any I will keep looking but I'm fairly certain this was her only affair and as for testing the other kids I have already brought this up with her and she says she's fine with it and for me to do anything I need to feel safe again and I do think you're right about the post nuptial agreement I'm going to set appointment with my attorney and talk to him about it But I don't think it's a big concern I have accepted my other child as mine and want her in my life whether my wife and I stay together or not but if I did get her to sign on it would make any future divorce a lot easier if in all other financial aspects so it is something to look into.



americajin

Something yousaid really bothered me and I want to respond to that directly You say it was like I was asking my wife's permission for divorce I could not disagree more I came to this site for one reason originally and that was to help convince my wife that it was over and I only did that because of her crazy actions go back and read my earlier posts she was not Taking the divorce well and was doing some very crazy things and when i originally left i could not have cared less about what my wife wanted.

OldMitt,

You said your wife asked you what you will need to help reconcile. You have previously stated that she says whatever you need she will do.

She is the cheater - she needs to do the heavy lifting here. Being remorseful, while a good sign, are just words. Actions are needed. She should not only ask what you need - she should be proactive in working with you in coming up with a plan.

You mentioned that she surprised you with books on infidelity and finding a marriage counselor. Well, thats good. But hasn't she learned anything in that material, that she should not be acting like "whatever you want, I'll do" ? You two have to work together in this craziness.

In addition to marriage counseling, she needs serious individual counseling to help her understand how sick she was for doing what she did. You already know part of the answer as to why she cheated on you - because she wanted to. Here are a few other parts to that answer:
She got satisfaction from lying, manipulating and betraying you. She got satisfaction from carrying another man's child (no birth control with this guy)
Too make her even more twisted, she got satisfaction from doing it with your "best friend".

These are only some of the issues that she needs to address in counseling. Has she told the other children and family about what she did? I know you probably told them, but its important to have them hear it from her.

Dizzle makes the same point. MC means nothing if she doesn't go to IC and find out how she could do all those horrible things. You keep talking like what she is doing is addressing what she had inside to let her do it. But shes not. It appears that she is going through the motions. I would demand she get in IC and delve into how she could do this.

I might counsel with Steve H. before endorsing counseling.
It seems that my H's IC can write excuses galore for his behavior. This has added a whole new level of issues on a bad marriage.

In my case, my H's counseling is very anti MB, (tho, he is sure he is doing what is best for him by putting himself FIRST.)

While he is off being the "victim" in co-dependant land, (!?!)
I can only be patient. I read MB, do MB things. Very hard under these circumstance.

I guess when/if I get tired of self serving behavior, I can go. I can always get divorced, I am married to him now, and this is the times to try to save it.

Just try to be careful about the IC.

Oldmittens, your wife did this because she allowed another man to meet her emotional needs. Once she was hooked, the adultery became an addiction. Dr. Harley states that delving into one's past is not needed to discover how/why this could happen. We are all wired to have an affair, and extraordinary precautions should be a part of all marriages to protect that sacred relationship. Not everyone has to be in an unhappy marriage to commit adultery. It only takes weak boundaries with the opposite sex.

Adulterers don't necessarily take "pleasure" or satisfaction in hurting those around them to get their fix, anymore than any other addict takes pleasure in hurting others to get what they want. They do it because they want something, most often giving little thought to the consequences. When I asked my FWH what he was thinking when he made decisions regarding his adultery, he said he wasn't thinking at all. That's what independent behavior is all about--making decisions as though the other spouse does not exist. Once the fog is gone, the thinking is much clearer.

As for not using any protection, most adulterers don't do that either. I don't know why, but it's part of the stupidity that goes on during adultery. Many waywards have either become pregnant or contracted diseases who ought to have known better. All part of the silly irrational thinking of fogginess. Once the fogs lifts, most waywards are horrified to realize all the damage they have caused and are ashamed of their stupid thinking.

While a good marriage counselor may be of some benefit, they have a high failure rate (84%) and have a higher divorce rate than average. The best way to get back on track is to sign up for the Online Seminar. Okay, it's a thousand dollars, but it's about the best thousand you could spend in getting your marriage back where it needs to be.

Be prepared for a wide swing of emotions over the next year or so. The vets here on this board are very helpful, so come here whenever you need to vent and get your thoughts straightened out.

Feelings follow actions. Your wife is "going through the motions?" Well, that's a good start. She needs to protect you and your marriage by making sure all extraordinary precautions are in place and followed meticulously. Each of you needs to start building back the romantic love in your marriage by meeting each others emotional needs. Actions. And feelings follow actions. Give yourselves 20 plus hours a week to meet each others emotional needs.

My H is a serial cheater too. My recomendation is to avoid MC and IC UNLESS you can find a MC/IC that uses Marriage Builders principles. Ask the MC/IC about their views prior to making an appointment. Even one appointment with a bad MC/IC will damage your marriage even further. Be careful.

If you cannot find a MC/IC that uses MB principles, I suggest you make an appointment with Steve Harley on this website.

Your WW can change, but she will need to stick to the narrow path of the Marriage Builders program. Make it a condition for staying in the marriage.

mitts' WW doesn't need to waste a cent of their money on an IC. She had the affair because she had poor boundaries around men. She had the A with mitts' best friend because he was available and met some her of needs.

There you go, mitts. No charge. I would suggest you work with the Marriage Builder online program for counselling and guidance that actually addresses the nuts and bolts of repairing your marriage. Don't waste your precious time on navel-gazing with some counselor who is more than likely clueless on how to save a marriage.

Wow you of all seem to have hit the nail on the head On the why she had the affair as she explained to me she did it cause she was bored and wanted some excitement she thought there'd be no harm in it because I would never find out that's exactly why she picked FBF because she thought "never in a million years Would he tell me"
So she thought to herself i will have a little fun nobody will get hurt And i will have a great experience to look back on She says That it was was fun at first thrilling and that she got off on the sneaking around and the forbidden nature of it all but that soon went away and all she said she felt was guilt in the end.


I should explain it's actually more like two affairs At least that's how she puts it she says the first one Which is the one where the majority of sex actually happened about 80% of it Started at a party for a friend of all of ours we had all been drinking and her and the FBF Have been Laughing and Flirting together all night and drinking quite a bit together I did not mind at the time because they always joked around together if I had known then what I know but you can't change the past just have to live with the present but I'm getting off the subject here after the party we all got a taxi back to my wife and I's House I pretty much passed out after we got in and that left the two of them to talk And as my wife tells it there wasn't much beating around the bush FBF told her That he was attracted to her for years and always fantasized about her and she told him the same and she said we could do it once no one would have to know And I know the FBF and I'm sure He was all for this so they did it right there in the living room and my wife told me that she felt no guilt about it they didn't speak for a week after that Then they finally met up at a restaurant to discuss it and as she puts it they came up with an agreement for no strings Attached casual sex and that's pretty much what went down for the next six months apparently what changed is that the guilt got to her every time they had sex the second she was alone she would break down and cry she said the first few times are great guilt free and wonderful but then it just hit her like a ton of bricks the enormity of everything she had done also FBF was putting more pressure on her wanting to spend more and more time with her their agreement was once a week Maybe twice if she was in the mood from what I can tell she was very much in control of when They had sex She was also six months pregnant when she ended the affair and said that she wanted to focus on her family and thought that the OC would be our new beginning( also there've been some people saying about her having unprotected sex she says that they only had unprotected sex once and that was the first time they had sex And I'm pretty sure this is true I've gone through the dates And the OC was conceived right around First time they had sex)



After she ended it she says things pretty much went back to normal for the next few months they would be friendly And they both agreed that I would never know. It stayed this way for about 11 1/2 months till about October of 2010 she says that he was always hinting will never come out and say that he wanted starting back up again then one day he calls her out of the blue and tells her that they need to talk it's very important When she gets there he gets into how what she's doing is unfair to him and that he loves her and misses her and that there's no reason that they shouldn't start up the affair again that I'll never find out so no one will get hurt she says no and he gets angry she says he grabbed her and they got into a scuffle that she slapped him and then he kissed her and she kissed back (I'll never understand it) after that incident he stepped it up calling her almost every day pressuring her after a few months of this in her refusing to have sex with him again he starts saying that if she doesn't have sex with him he will tell me all about the affair and make it out that she was the aggressor and said that by the time he's done everyone will hate her and he and I will still be friends she caves and they start the affair again for another two months until finally she calls his bluff and ends it for good that was In April of this year she says they came to an agreement that they would never be alone together again and that they both swore to never tell me. Months later I borrow my wife's iPhone because I want to get The name of an app that I want for my phone and I happen to come across a text from FBF that says "I'll always treasure the passion we shared together" So I Plug-in or phone to our computer and get the backup off of iTunes and in 15 min. I'm reading months and months worth of texts And you all know the rest of the story

Have a great day today had dinner with my in-laws it was awkward at first but they were great the really good people my mother-in-law took me aside and said that everyone supports me and are also proud of me she got Teary-eyed so I gave her a hug and she hugged me back it was a very long I'm very much needed it My wife continues to show remorse and says she's willing to do anything I need she has agreed to see a therapist not just for the affair but for how she acted after D-Day which is something I very much think she needs. I also want to ask everyone here how long after you agreed to reconcile before you started having sex again My wife Really wants to have sex again but i feel that were not ready Or should i say that I'm not ready I just wanted to get everyone's opinion on when is the best time or is it good or bad that were not having sex already.

We waited until the std report came back from the doctor. Doing some of the things we did took longer though. I had lots of triggers to overcome

cv

Do not have sex until you are ready. Do not let her pressure or manipulate you in this regard. What about a post nup and removing yourself as the father. Did you decide anything on that?

Oldmitt,

I'd be very wary of believing that she "felt guilty" after having sex with this guy. To me, it sounds like a line of bull to try to make you feel a little bit better. I just don't buy it.

You refer to her showing remorse (which is good) - what is she doing? And how are your children handling everything? I assume they know.

And kudos to you for not having sex before you're ready. If your wife is really pushing it, then she isn't respecting the healing process you need to go through.