The SOONER the better, Mitt. [make sure she does not have STDs though] The FASTER you throw yourself into recovery, the faster you will recover. And right now is a critical time in your marriage. In order for your marriage to recover, you need to start working NOW to rebuild the romantic love in your marriage. The way to do that is to sit down and schedule 20+ hours of undivided attention meeting these top 4 intimate emotional needs:

conversation
affection
recreational companionship
sexual fulfillment

This program does not work without that step. Rather than have her go to therapy, I would strongly suggest you put all your energy in recovering your marriage, because having no plan is a plan to FAIL. Her going to therapy is a distraction from your problems and won't help your marriage.

Most marriages do not recover from adultery. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are more vulnerable to an affair AFTER than before. So, if you are serious about staying married, I would dive right into the recovery plan NOW. Get Surviving an Affair and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. Those books will outline the program of recovery. Harley goes over it in this article:

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

This is a distraction from the real problem. We can tell him for FREE why she had the affair: she has poor boundaries around men. NEXT!

here

ITA...

I truly believe that what saved our marriage was me continually maintaining SF during the A. She was pulling away and I was running hard after her, forcing in a way, her to be close to me. I would turn every talk into talks about how I loved her, wanted her, needed her.

I would encourage her that I would always love her.

We had std testing done immediately and only went a week or 2 without sf, if I remember right.

We also did something else. We both committed to sleeping in the same bed no matter how angry or hurt we were after DDay. We forced ourselves to be near each other, in each others faces... we smothered each other. In retrospect, we forced ourselves to be close and the closeness paid off.

CV

Please help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts. I see many personal philosophies being posted instead. If you can help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts, then feel free to post. If not, then we ask that you refrain from posting. Please don't disrupt this thread with conflicting advice that has nothing to with Marriage Builders. That is not fair to the OP.

Thank you, Fireproof

Mitt,

The "right" time to resume sex is when you feel comfortable having sex with your wife again. I do not think it is necessary to view your wife's desire to have sex with you as suspicious or manipulative. IMO, it is one way in which she can express her love for you and her continued desire for you. When you feel that you can reciprocate, that will be your "right" time.

As long as your WW continues to express remorse, is taking extraordinary precautions to protect your marriage and affair proof it, and is meeting your emotional needs, accept these gestures of just compensation.

Of course she needs to be open, honest, and transparent in all her actions, too. Yes, you need to be observant of her actions, but that does NOT mean you need to be suspicious of them. If something sets off an internal alarm in you, address it immediately and directly.

I'm glad your family dinner was such a success. Keep building on the positives.

No. The right time to resume sex is NOW.

No. The right time to resume sex is NOW.

Yeah, but I think right now they're both at work, MB! Awkward!

Excuse the humor, Mitt, but in essence, MB is dead on with her assessment. Sexual activity is a natural function of being in a caring relationship. It is the best way to express admiration for, and attention to, the partner. If you are committed to making this work, and it seems you are, and you are confident in her new commitment to your union, and you are, then waiting does nothing except make the eventual resumption a bit, well....awkward, and forced.

Ummm...long lunch break?

Yep, NG got what I was saying. Don't let your feelings (and you'll have many and varied feelings in the days to come) dictate this portion of your recovery. You need to get in there and kick down that invisible wall that will hinder your intimacy. Post-haste.

I don't know why, but I keep getting this vibe that your W seems kinda nonchalant about the whole situation, despite all the effort she shows to R.

Anyway, as for sex, I agree that it is totaly your call when you feel ready. Do not let her dictate that for you. Hold your ground.

She isn't dictating anything, lonewolf. She would like to have sex with her husband. That's a great thing!

Mitt, Dr. Harley, clinical psychologist and the owner of this site, advocates 20+ hours of undivided attention to your spouse each week as part of recovery from an affair. This time should be spent meeting each other's most important emotional needs. It sounds as though your WW has a need for SF. It may well be a bonding opportunity for both of you.

If you are uncomfortable just jumping into it, the two of you need to talk and agree on how best to meet this need.

I can tell you from a personal standpoint that SF was a huge springboard for the recovery of my own marriage.

What's your story, lonewolf? Have you started your own thread? Why don't you tell us about your sitch? Sounds like you could use some Marriage Builders advice and learn some more about the concepts here.

There are a lot of ways to meet the EN for SF. POJA which ones BOTH of you would feel most comfortable doing tonight, and go from there. I agree that you should stay safe until the STD testing is done, and results are negative.

Mitt,

PLEASE, for the love of all things holy:

Find and use the punctuation keys.

Thanks.

Now that's off my chest.

Anyway!

Mitt,

You and your wife should return to SF when you are ready and your wife is ready, both at the same time.

Not one second before.


There isn't a rule about this - like, you have to have SF within a week or your marriage will collapse. Nope, no rule like that.

People need time to feel comfortable. Some people will need more "physical affection" during the days following d-day, but are completely uninterested in full SF. Others may seek out sexual fulfillment, and experience what is referred to as hysterical bonding, with high-frequency intimacy and closer relationships being experienced than prior to the affair.

There can be a delay with some people, who want to wait quite awhile before returning to SF. They may have "movies" playing in their heads, anxiety about SF with their spouse, or just having feelings of fear or uncertainty about the situation since they still feel uncertain about how they feel about their spouse or how the spouse feels about them. So, they want to WAIT.

Only you know how you feel right now about intimacy with your wife. If you are in doubt about it, then wait! Go with your heart, and don't feel rushed.

SF should be something you want, something treasured, something sure and pleasurable. It should not feel rushed or scary.


So wait for it to be right. You won't be sorry.


SB

oooooookay, he most certainly should not wait. I just want to reiterate, Mitt, that you need to start meeting each other's top 4 intimate needs NOW. [get the STD clearance on the SF first, of course] Not later. Not when you feel comfortable, but NOW. The recovery of your marriage is contingent upon a) affair proofing your marriage and b) restoring the romantic love in your marriage. A PLAN to do both should be instituted NOW if you are serious about recovering your marriage.

Of course none of it will "feel comfortable" at first. Developing new habits never does. But that is what Marriage Builders is all about, doing what you did not do before so you have a romantic, passionate marriage.

I would sit down with her tonight and work out a schedule of undivided attention time. It needs to be 20-25 hours per week spent meeting these top 4 emotional needs:

affection
conversation
recreational companionship
sexual fulfillment

The SOONER you start this, the SOONER you will feel bonded to each other and the FASTER you will fall in love again. The sooner you start, the sooner you will feel comfortable. Not having a plan is a plan to FAIL.

So, please start this NOW, rather than waiting for a feeling to come along. You may be waiting for something that will NEVER come if you have no plan to make that happen. Your marriage is crumbling NOW, so please address the problem NOW.

I just want to add that my husband and I did not "feel comfortable" about doing any of these basic concepts in the beginning. Most couples do not. But a couple does not have to feel comfortable in order to create new habits, they just have to be committed to a plan. Bring the body and the mind will follow. That is how this program works.

After an affair, when the WS is withdrawing, it is real important to implement new habits THEN, so they are ingrained by the time she is through with withdrawal. That new marriage is therefore what replaces the gap left by the affair. Marriages get into trouble when nothing is done to fill that vacuum. Which is why it is important to start SOON so that by the time she sobers up, her emotions are influenced by the new behaviors, hence a romantic marriage.

Mel's comment was worth repeating:

Please listen to Mel about this, Mitt. Your emotions are going to be all over the place in the beginning. Don't wait for them to settle down - meeting needs is a critical part of the settling down and healing process. You want to establish that UP FRONT. Don't wait until you're 'ready' or anything like that - it's going to be a while before your emotions are approaching anything resembling 'normal' where you might 'normally' say "Okay, I'm ready to have SF." Don't wait for that!

Caveat: Of course, you need to wait for the STD tests to come back to know she didn't pick anything up. And, if I may be delicate, there are certain acts that you'll want to avoid until then. But there are also many others that are perfectly fine to engage in until then.

I knew someone would say something sooner or later and I'm sorry about this. but I broke my hand about a month ago and I've been using voice to text software to write all my posts. And you have to say every punctuation and that's hard to get used to. Dr. says my hand should be healed in another couple weeks so if you could all bear with me.


Another day on the roller coaster but I'm getting better at dealing with triggers. I find when I can't stop thinking about it. I go out into my backyard and take 10 deep breaths And tell myself you can do this. I feel it's very much in mind over matter thing but damn those "movies" are hard to deal with. But my wife has really been there for me.She has been showing remorse and studying the marriage builders concepts. And has read surviving an affair and is reading his meets her needs now. She Also has been calling me four times a day every day to make sure I know where she is. and to tell me how much she loves me and how sorry she is. She has said that She had an STD test after she ended It with him last time but she will go out and Get another one tomorrow. She says that she is committed to doing anything I ask to make things better. she says that she understands it will take a long time but that she is willing To do whatever it takes to earn my trust And forgiveness.







My wife and I spoke about it and she feels that we should take a trip together alone for a Week to get the spark going again. And I think she's right I think some time alone can be the best solution. I think MelodyLane is right And I must say I do miss our sex life. (It was great before and during The affair)And I do want to be intimate with my wife again we do still kiss and hold hands still not often Though. I told her I would think about it. and I do think it's a good idea but I think now I'm going to tell her I want to wait until we get the results from the STD test before we go and definitely before we have sex again.

When do you expect these? I got mine back pretty quickly. I just don't want you waiting any longer than necessary.

And I'd like to see you get back to the business of hand-holding and other gestures of affection. Don't get out of that habit.

Bummer, mitt! I didn't want to say anything, but it was getting pretty tough to read your posts. The run-on sentences were making me dizzy, and I found myself starting to skip paragraphs. You don't want posters skipping your paragraphs, so I would say you should get those periods in there somehow. Sorry! Hope your hand is better soon! (I guess you'll have to hold hands with the other one )

I broke my hand about a month ago...

Punching what? pray tell.