You are absolutely RIGHT. That is an excellent plan.

Did she already have an STD test?

Oldmitt,

Now that you're going to attempt to Reconcile, you're getting some solid advice from people here. I want to add one thing: now that everything is known, it doesn't necessarily mean its completely over.

I highly reccomend keeping a keylogger on your home computer. Transparency (email, FB passwords, etc) works for the accounts you know about.

Also, I highly recommend attaching a Voice Activated Recorder with velcro to underneath her car seat. Trust but verify. This could have gone deep underground.

Nothing violent my daughter slammed the car door on my and by accident and it shattered several bones in the hand.






Yesterday my wife and I both went and got tested for STDs. We should get the results back Monday. We also discussed the trip she wants to take and we have decided to a take a trip to Italy For a week starting this Wednesday. I said we should wait until the test results come back before we plan anything. But she says she is 100% certain that she has no STDs but that She understands that I need peace of mind. she has also asked that while were on the trip we not discuss the affair. She says we need to focus on getting back our intimacy. And that this has nothing to do with her trying to avoid talking about the affair. She has told me that anytime I need to discuss anything about it I should feel free. That she knows that I need to understand why she did it and how she could do this to me. and she's committed to showing me that he meant nothing to her and that it was just a midlife crisis. I told her I have my doubts that it was just a midlife crisis,I have asked her if she had any feelings for him at any point. and she says no it was just "fun" And at no time Did she even consider leaving me for him. and that the only feeling she ever had during the affair were guilt and shame.







I completely agree with you And I have already put a keylogger on my computer and I have the passwords to her e-mail accounts her banking passwords and Facebook password. We've also gone through her Facebook and removed all her male friends. She has told me that she will have no more male friends. I don't know if that's necessary but for now it makes me feel better. As for voice activated recorder I think that's a good idea I'm going to get One. Right now it's been very easy to keep track of her because she's Been laid off from her job for about a month now. She got let go because of her Erratic behavior which is something I actually feel a bit guilty about. She tells me not to and that it was all her fault she chose to have an affair and she says that she will have to live with the consequences. And I think she is right and I told her So.



PS I just realized looking back over my posts I haven't said this enough but thank you to everyone who's posted You've all given me great advice and I appreciate it. This site has been a tremendous source of advice and comfort and i credited with saving our marriage. I don't think i could've taken her back if i had not come here and read the stories of sIso many people here who've gone through The same thing I'm going through and in some cases actually much much worse and still be able to reconcile. I realize that actually having a remorseful wife Is a rare thing and that I owe it to my family to try my damnedest to save this marriage.

Your wife is right that you need to stop talking about the affair, that is after all of your questions have been answered. It doesn't mean that you won't still be triggered.

Have you read SAA, or any of the articles about how to recover?

We have read both surviving an affair his needs her needs and We have been doing several of the questionnaires over the past few days. as well my wife is in IC and she is on the site daily reading articles as well as other people's posts trying to understand what Her part is to get this marriage back on track.

Oldmitt,

Its good that your wife is actively involved in reading those titles, and IC is a very good step. If I recall correctly, she started reading books and seeking help before you even talkd about reconciling.

However, I do think her reading Marriagebuilder forums or other forums can be a double-edged sword. If she is actively seeking to rebuild, thats good. If she is continuing the affair, she can pick up on techniques to bust a cheating spouse to drive her affair deep underground. Be cautious, trust but verify (when you get to the point of trust during reconciling)

Stay strong my man!

I concur with your wife about not discussing the affair. If you feel that you can't contain the questions or discussing the affair, bring along a journal to write in. It will give you an outlet.

When your WW slept with OM she also 'slept' with every partner he has ever had. AND every partner those partners have had, and so on. Unless she has the dr's reports from every one of these people there is NO WAY she can be sure that she is clean without being tested. None. Zero.

This is a good idea. Get your questions answered and then don't talk about it. Make the holiday your "No Questions" holiday.

If having an affair is a mid-life crisis I guess all the 30-year olds who come here are having a, what? A pre-mid-life crisis? The sheer number of people of all ages who come to this site for help destroys the 'mid-life crisis' theory.

Your WW had an affair because she had poor boundaries around men and found an opportunity. To try to slap a label on the event removes her responsibility for it and makes it sound like something she couldn't prevent. This is dangerous thinking that can lead to other affairs. She needs to understand the importance of firm boundaries and keeping EPs to help prevent this from happening again.

yes she says she had an STD test when she ended the affair. But that she understands that I need Her to get another one for peace of mind.





I couldn't agree with you more i think the whole midlife crisis thing is nothing more than pop psychology.and when we were discussing it I told her I thought that was just her trying to make excuses. And that the real reason she had affair was that she was selfish and wanted to get laid. and when I brought up that she was just using a midlife crisis as an excuse she broke down crying screaming she was sorry and nothing more than a Wh@$e. She went on to say that she knows what she did was selfish and cruel and that she knows there's nothing she can do to make it up to me but all she wants is to spend the rest of her life trying. She's having a hard time understanding why she did it she told me that the midlife crisis theory is the only one that makes sense to her because She was very happy with our marriage. and when she thinks back to the affair and The way she was thinking at the time she thinks a midlife crisis makes the most sense.I told her I did not agree and I thought that there was no deep reason behind the affair other than someone who just wanted To do what they want and not suffer the consequences She did not disagree.


My wife and I also discussed the post Nuptial idea she told me that if it would Make things easier for me she would go and do it. That she is committed to making this up to me and will do whatever she can to make this easier for me and show that she Loves me and is 100% committed to me. so I spoke with my lawyer on Sunday and he told me it would be simpler in our case for me to divorce my wife and simply remarry her later if our reconciliation is successful. I told my wife What he said and she freaked out screaming that I was just using this as an excuse to dump her. I told her that I didn't need an excuse to dump her that she'd given me all the excuses I was ever going to need. But that if it made her uncomfortable we can go the Postnuptial route instead of the divorce route. After a lot of crying and arguing until three in the morning we came to an agreement that were going to go through with the divorce. We are not going to break up and we're still going to reconcile this is just to give me peace of mind to make sure I'm staying for the right reasons and not out of fear. So We will move forward with the divorce after we get back from our vacation. and if everything goes right with the reconciliation We will just go to Courthouse and get remarried.

That's a good idea. Then you can do a pre-nup before you get married again. Makes sense.

You can do a post-nuptial agreement without the expense of going through a divorce. A divorce is not going to help the marriage, except maybe make your attorney some extra bucks.

This is not MB thinking. Here you go again, believing a divorce is just a simple step to "pooh pooh" away.

Maybe you should read the divorce boards if you need a better idea of what a divorce is really like.

I promise you, it is not as simple as "We will skip down to the courthouse Monday, and if things work out, we will re- marry next Easter".

And you need to do this why? You want to be sure you are staying for the right reasons? Why would a grown man need a divorce agreement to let you know that?

A divorce will not give you any assurances nor control over your wife, well not the type of control that is positive for a M.

Not MB, not very marriage smart. What are you going to tell your children? Dad can't figure out what he wants to do, so to give him an easy exit from this family, (if he choses he is there for "not the right reasons") he is going to make a pre emptive divorce?

Sounds like you are having a desire to simply punish your WW.

Good Luck with that. I think you would be better served by using MB philosophies,

P.S. My mother was a small town "bookie" for the local Atty for 25 years.
Many divorces start out "friendly". 99.5% of the time, they do not end up that way.

Nothing you want to mess with, if you can help it. But it just comes down to how you view marriage/vows.

Your WW did not take them seriously, and right now, I don't feel like you are.

Dude, it will not be the same post divorce, there are no "do/start overs" with a second marriage, and resentment is not a good basis to work on your family.

Have you read the renters, buyers and feeloaders article by Dr.H?

Your M used to be a buyers agreement, now you want a rental contract.

Do the post nup , divorce is the ultimate end no matter what is said.

OldMittens - time to get yourself a different lawyer, because that is the most asinine piece of advice I've ever seen.

You get a divorce when you want to end the marriage permanently, which is what I would do. However, since you have pretty much made up your mind that you want to give it another go with your wife, a post-nuptual agreement will protect you if it does come to divorce later. It will be a LOT easier for you to get your wife to agree to the terms of the post-nup than it will be if you get divorced. You file for divorce, she gets a lawyer, and you get a first hand look at what the word adversarial means.

A post nup acknowledging that the OC is not your child and that you and your wife agree that you will not be responsible for child support for the OC and that you agree to 50-50 custody of your biological children in the event of a divorce would probably meet any scrutiny by the court.

Are post-nuptials not as ironclad as prenuptials?

Oldmitt,

Good for you for not buying her sh*t about the mid-life crisis. You had it right: she was selfish and didn't want to get caught (Hope you still dont buy her feeling guilty during the A)

But I'd advise finding a new lawyer. The post-nup is a good idea, this divorce stuff is off. As others said, not part of the MB program and just counter-productive in general. Seek a new lawyer, get the post-nup done, and get to reconciling! (if thats what you still want, of course)

Dude, I think this is the first case we've had where the decision to divorce was POJA'd!

I would not recommend taking this easy out!

I wouldnt call if POJA if the wife was crying her eyes out.

That, and a divorce is not going to help recovery.

All a D will help is the lawyer get rich off of you. That, and you still can get a D if recovery does not work and you will have a post nup to protect you.

Time to find a lawyer that puts his clients best interests first his money clip second.