This is very good to hear, CT! Keep swinging - you can do this!

I'm curious - what did you and Mr. CT do this past weekend? How many UA hours would you say you got in?

CT,

What do you see through the fog? What have you done for your H to address his very deep concerns and fears? Have you actually decided to stay in this marriage or are you going to keep playing the game until your H makes a decision you might regret?

You have control of this situation. You have made all of the big decisions so far. Your H has only made one and that is to try and salvage the marriage, but remember he is going to "TRY" that does not guarantee that he will keep making that decision.

It really depends on who and what you really want to become and how successful you are at doing this.

Just remember one thing which is what MB is all about. This is NOT all about you. Even if you decide today to save your marriage, it won't happen if he quits and he has every right to do so.

I am not trying to frighten you, I am telling you that at some point he will ask "Why am I enduring this?" The answer had better pretty evident to him when he asks or he will be gone. You staying in the fog and focusing on your "feelings" for other man makes the chances of him asking that question increase and the answer less likely to be positive when he asks it.

Keep reading and start developing a plan.

God Bless,


JL

Marital Bliss,
Friday night was tough because H didn't get home till 9 but we stayed up and talked. Saturday we got a sitter and went shopping (we have a big bash this weekend that I am so excited about). We stayed up late again on Saturday after we got home to talk. Then Sunday we attempted to do as much "chores" together as possible. I guess in all I'd say we got in about 16 hours this past weekend. We already scheduled 20 hours for this week

Just Learning,
I see a wonderful life with my husband through the fog. He has made it VERY clear to me that if I make any kind of contact with the OM (even informal contact like googling him) that he will either leave me or kick me out. I know he is SERIOUS about this. So, everytime I get an urge for my "fix", I remind myself of this and look at our wedding picture and pictures of our kids. My therapist said to me this weekend, "You stooped so low. You should be on your knees thanking God you didn't lose everything.You will be disgusted with yourself when you are completely out of the fog." She is absolutely right.
H and I have our EP's in place and I will follow them to the T. I am determined not only to salvage our marriage but also to make it better.... and give my H what he needs.
Thank you for always responding!
CT

Dang, I just love happy endings! I know you and the Mr. are still in the early days of rebuilding, but I've got a good feeling about your outcome!

Keep going!

Thank you, Marital Bliss! As long as we keep to the EP's and try to meet each others needs, we should get better than ever.

CT,

Be aware that around the 6 month mark and again at the year mark it is very common for the BS (your H) to have a very down period, even showing anger. Why? Well the speculation is that once the immediate emergency is over (you are coming out of the fog) he step back and let the emotions often anger that he has been holding back show.

The speculation on the 1 year point is that we humans notice annual events and the passing of time and one year from d-day does come up.

Just a heads up, as you come out of the fog you will need to be more proactive in assessing and assisting your H.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
Thank you for letting me know about the time frame. This is so difficult.
CT

Ok, I need some advice but let me give you some background first. My OM's sister was one of my best friends for 16 years. I admitted the affair to her and she did NOT approve. In fact, she asked me to come to her house so she could talk with me. She told me not to get involved with her brother because he's not stable. I did not listen to her. I also never discussed the affair with her nor did her brother. I also never considered how the affair would effect my friendship with her.
I wrote her a letter right after my BH found out and told her that I needed some time away from her and I wasn't sure if we could ever be friends again. She did not reply. This was in April. Then in mid July I sent a "batch" email to a bunch of my friends with a link to a movie I am in. I was still in the fog at this time. I didn't think it through and I didn't tell my H. I wanted her to see the film because she has always supported me in my acting endeavors.
Today I unexpectedly (this is 6 weeks later) got an email from her asking if we could salvage our friendship and she poured her heart out about missing me and that she and her brother live very different lives and that we would never have to talk about "it" every again.
So, I know that I cannot be friends with her anymore. This breaks my heart because I am her daughter's godmother and she and her husband are my daughters god parents. Our children ask about each other and we make up crap as to why they haven't played together in a long time.
My question is this: I know I need to formally end it with her (I never spoke to her after my BH found out....just the letter). How should I do this? I spoke to BH about it and forwarded him her email. He's thinking on it. He agrees that I need the closure but isn't sure how we should do it. He said he might be ok with me calling her while he's in the room. This way I can explain that it's an extroidinary precaution and it isn't about her but it's about my marriage and my husband.
Any thoughts on this?
Thank you!
CT

CT, it's a pity that you have to lose a good friend over your poor decision to have an affair, but it's not the first time we've seen that. This is collateral damage. Yes, your friendship has to end. You must resign your role of godmother to her child and vice versa.

I would suggest you end the friendship by letter. (A 'friend' NC letter, if you will.)

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry to tell you that our friendship must come to an end. My marriage is my priority in life, and out of respect for my husband, my family and myself I must remove all traces of OM from my life.

Of course, Mr. CT and I must also resign as godparents to little Andy and Mary. We will find someone to fill that role for you and your H and our children, as well.

I wish you well and am so sorry that my poor choices have caused me to lose our friendship.

Thank you for your understanding and your respect for my decision.
ComedyTragedy

Then, don't just talk the talk, walk the walk. Block her from your email. Don't accept phone calls. Zero contact.

Stop lying to your children. Explain to them, in an age-appropriate way, that mommy started to like Uncle Ex-Con as a boyfriend, and it is wrong for married mommies to have boyfriends. It hurt daddy very much. Mommy realized that what she was doing was wrong. She loves daddy and her babies very much and never wanted to hurt them. So Mommy can't be friends with their friends' mommy anymore.

Apologize to them for being the cause of their loss of friends.

I know this sounds harsh, but it's the right way. And it will continue to cleanse you.

Question, Comedy. Please don't get offended by this question and not answer it because your H reads this thread.

Did you suffer from sexual abuse as a child?

It's a tough question, but it's something that you can talk to your therapist about if that is the case. Never getting such trauma treated leads to the type of decision making you are guilty of making.

No, I was never sexually abused. The only thing I've explored in therapy from childhood is that I was the "peace keeper". My brother was the bad boy. Therefore, when I went away to college, I went crazy with sleeping around, drinking, smoking pot....that kind of thing. I stopped two of the three behaviors. Working on the other one. Thank you for your concern.

As an adult survivor of multiple incidents of sexual abuse, I disagree.

And I would never sexually (or otherwise) abuse a child - that's another old wives' tale about sexual abuse survivors.

If an adult has a childhood history of sexual abuse and they are having difficulty integrating that trauma into their adult life, they certainly should pursue counselling by a counselor who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. But to paint all survivors as helpless to resist behaviors such as infidelity because of childhood abuse is just wrong.

I understand that. I know plenty of women that have admitted to me they went through that as a child and are perfectly well adjusted adults.

However....

I do believe that not resolving it or dealing with it can lead to acting out in other ways or engaging in behaviors that can be self destructive.

The key word there is "unresolved."

My WXW is such a person and her behavior was textbook once I found about it and did research on it.

Maybe it was because she felt neglected/ugly/unpopular/etc. Maybe it was a lot of those things or none of those things.

I haven't met an adult yet who didn't have something that caused them hurt or unhappiness as a child that might still upset them as an adult. We all drag some baggage into adulthood.

There are too many variables to objectively state that childhood abuse = adult infidelity.

The bottom line is this: we are all wired for affairs. We can avoid affairs by having firm boundaries and an awareness of maintaining firm precautions.

My H was never sexually abused as a child. He had the affair. He had poor boundaries. Simple as that.

I wanted to give everyone an update on my situation. I am finally out of the fog and through withdrawl. What an awful experience. 6 months.........
Anyway, this past weekend I gave my husband full disclosure. Told him everything......even details. I was ashamed and embarrassed listening to myself talk. It felt good to put it all out there though. I hated seeing him hurt. I hate what I've done to him. My therapist said I can't focus on my shame because that's an excuse to lower my standards again. I have to focus on "growing up" and enjoying what I have. So many people would kill to have the life I have. I am very lucky that I have a husband who is willing to work on recovery with me. We still have a long way to go but I have the confidence we'll make it. Keep the advice coming.
CT

ComedyTragedy,

I'm so proud of you, you will be a great help on this board for other waywards going through the same process..........I am glad you came clean as well, I know as a BS I have a lot of questions about how and why...........it just doesn't make sense to us that the person we loved could do something so uncaring and deceitful to us......It helps that we know you at least have some respect again to give us the whole truth and to do that yourself is the best start......
My husband now says to me that he is going to spend the rest of his life making it up to me. He is ashamed and embarrassed too.........
You won't ever do this again as time passes you will see what you did was so hurtful and it was something that wasn't necessary for you to get what you wanted.........
You could have just walked away first and spared your husband all the pain he is having to deal with now...........you know now you had other choices, but you chose to hurt him in the worst way, you shouldn't be able to do that again.....

As time passes you will see how much you disrespected yourself in all this as well, how that relationship changed who you were for the worse.......
You are very lucky your husband can still see the woman you were before the affair and that is the woman he wants back, he loves that woman just like the rest of the BS's on this form we want the person we married back and the relationship back that was respectful, honest and affectionate and understanding, supportive ......
We think you Wayward spouses are worth it even if you yourselves didn't think so.........
He is carrying you now and has been since you have lost your way........it's your turn now to make sure he is taken care of, show him his faith and commitment isn't lost on you...........
I am looking forward to hearing how happy you can be again being in love with your husband.........
We all make mistakes just don't make a second one, take your second chance and make it count.........
make all the tears and hurt mean something.......
jessi

Comedy Tragedy-I am reading your posts. I escaped too. My own BH is the one who released me. Thank you for your advice. There is so much to learn. I am trying.

This is a shout out to MrsWondering........would you please send me a PM? I got your wonderful message. NEED to connect with you! Thank you!

Hows it going CT?

Hi CT!

I'm so glad to hear that you got it -- I hope it didn't freak you out too much! I left to go shopping for our dd's bday shortly after I sent you that message, and this is the first chance I've gotten to take a look here -- I hope you didn't think I'd forgotten about you!

PMs are disabled on MB, CT, but you are more than welcome to contact the moderators and ask them for my email address -- I'll give them a shout and let 'em it's okay.

I will tell you this though -- I much prefer to offer any help that I can HERE on MB, rather than privately, and I'll tell you why...

1. I've yet to see good results from a new FWW getting off board help. I have tried -- unfortunately, what usually happens is the person becomes too dependent upon me for ALL the answers, and I'm no pro -- I don't have all the answers -- not even close. It is far better for you and your husband that you get all different perspectives. You just never know what will strike a chord.


2. If I get too close, I have a hard time being as firm as I should be at times -- I lose objectivity, and again this wouldn't benefit you, your husband and family.

and

3. You never know when something that gets posted on your thread may help someone else...

Now, all that isn't to say that I wouldn't welcome an email from you -- I absolutely would -- I look forward to hearing from you!

Mrs. W