Ok, confused, I get it now. I think the job situation is fine and you should go for it.

A big part of the reason your husband has been like this is because you have enabled it. You need to show your friends your list of conditions and assure them that your husband either makes a radical change or he is gone. All of these changes have to be verifiable because promises are worthless.

Have you given him your conditions yet? What is the plan for that?

Also, BEFORE he comes home, provided this all works out, I would slap a key logger on that computer that you can check from work. A good one is eblaster because it will send reports to a web based email account.

He needs to understand that if he looks at porn or contacts any woman that he is done. You will KNOW. Just tell him you have ways to know and that is none of his business.

I second EBlaster as a great choice. It works REALLY well from any location.

Friends and families' first reactions are often to "dump the bum" because they feel that is the quickest way to get rid of YOUR pain. They don't want to see you hurting. And they are likely angry with him.

We see waywards change all the time because they follow the plans to recreate their marriages. Your marriage can be better than ever - as long as he gets on board and is willing to change. You will be changing too.

I wouldn't pay much attention from the friends

They are probably mad that they are not the ones controlling this situation

They might want revenge, and have been watching this going on, and are hopping mad about it

This won't help in reconciliation, and they are to close to this, to see how to help you out of the woods

Plus, I doubt they know how to save and restore marriges

Crap. He gets home before I do (and I didnt change the locks bc I didnt do plan B yet)....where do I get a key logger (eblaster) on there? ITs his laptop. I can just ask him if I can use it, because my desktop is broken (TRUE and he knows it).

How can I do this on his phone? Right now he has a samsung fascinate. Id be willing to invest in a new phone for him (his is breaking anyway) i phone or something IF it meant i could track emails etc.

Melody - my plan was to give him the letter tonight at home. He already knows I have conditions and said he will meet any of them and he also asked me for the no contact letter format or what it should be. He seems willing...I am trying not to be hopeful etc...but you know. its hard.

Also need to work on intermediary still. Im having a hard time with that.

Of course you are hopeful, but from what you are writing you are also intelligent and careful.

I think if you want to look deeper into the 'spy' thing you can get the most help in the thread 'operation investigate' at this forum. As far as I know, they mostly recommend flexispy on a cell phone and e-blaster on a computer.
And a VAR (voice activated recorder) to hide in his car.

I hope everything goes well for you this evening. So that you may look back at it as a turning point for you in the foreseeable future.

God bless, Happyheart

Thank you. I posted today on my face book that I am really thankful for all the support I am getting and I feel very loved and appreciate it. That goes here to.

I will check that stuff out and google it, see how I can buy it.

WH doesnt do any bills or money...he doesnt even know passwords, so he cant see what I buy. Plus when first dday happened, I paid off my cc and not his (just min pmts)...so I have plenty of room on my private cards.

And im still going to sock away $ for a while.

confused, before you do anything, set up a new email account. Use this account for all of your spying purchases.

When you buy eblaster or other spying tools online, they will send a confirmation of the order. You probably know that, but you should also be aware that the reports will be sent via email on eblaster. You don't want him to ever see that on your email. ALSO (this caught me by surprise because I never thought about it) the companies sending you the tools may send occasional emails to remind you about updates, etc. You don't want him seeing any of that.

It's not acceptable to assume he will never see it because he doesn't know your current email password or account. After you reconcile, the two of you are going to make sure that you've both given each other access to all of your accounts (total transparency goes both ways). So you can give him your 'regular' email password without worrying that he will ever see any spying info.

Never disclose your 'spying' email address or any of your spying tools. That is not part of being transparent.

ok, confused, have you presented him your list of conditions? Present him the list of conditions and he either agrees or not agrees.

If he doesn't agree, then you ask him to leave.

THEN you come back here and we will help you work on your plans for Plan B.

Thanks Melody.

I have not presented the list - I am on PST so it is still 230 in the afternoon But it's printed. I added this

11. Post Nuptial agreement
12. Confession & apology to children
13. Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him
14. IC, MC, & Family C
15. Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose

what are the other 10?

I have some questions. Over the course of the last 2 years, my husband has perpetually bothered me for sex. he will ask and ask and keep asking until I give in. It got better after the affair because I stood my ground. Now, by no means do I deprive him. At least 2 times a week we do it voluntarily. But the man constantly bombards me with his penis, pressing it into me, groping me, etc. This is part of the reason he feels he has an additicion, he feels that his thoughts and feelings of sex overrun his mind and its all he can think about. He told his brother that even when I was crying on his shoulder, he was getting aroused.

Last weekend, a few days before FR, we where home sick. We where in the kitchen and he began pressing against me, he hoisted me up onto the counter and started making out w me and pushing on me,. He tried to pull down my pants, I said no honey I dont feel good...he kept telling me to bad. Not in a way where hes like "to bad I am going to restrain you' but almost in a way HE thinks is playful. I kept saying no and he picked me up and took me to the couch. He took off my pants and I kept saying babe, common! Im sick. And he put it inside of me. I got angry and pushed back a little and rolled my eyes. he stopped and said sorry. I put on my pants and he said sorry. Do I think this is ok? NO. Am I sure its rape? No not really.

My friend cares for me very much and has been looking at this site, the articles and agrees the advice is good and it probably works in "normal" cases. She asked me "what advice do they give out in response to spousal rape" and "are there people on that site who have had a problem like that and how did they deal with it?" "do they still encourage you to rebuild in an abusive relationship?".

I know this has been emotional abuse and maybe even sexual battering. I am not sure I am comfortable with "rape". I am not fearful that he would hit me or hurt me. I was in a physically abusive relationship before and I walked away. With 3 cracked ribs, but I was a kid. (17). I know physical abuse. However, I do have a hard time admitting something horrible has happened to me. I was molested several years ago by a 40 year old man when I was 17. My WH (who was not my boyfriend yet) was in the room but passed out drunk on the other side. I woke up being touched below by this man. I froze but eventually got up, and moved to the other side of the room. I never have considered that "rape" althoguh my therapist tells me otherwise. So maybe I am skewed. anyway. I wanted to put that info out there.

MFJ - sorry I thought I posted 1-10 earlier.

1. Leave job
2. No Contact in any way shape or form with other woman for LIFE.
3. No Contact Letter handwritten where you addresses your disrespect and hurt to you and his family therefore no contact for life. I will mail the letter.
4. complete transparency into your life
5. commitment to MB recovery plan.
6. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
7. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc - EXCHANGE CELL PHONES, CANCEL EMAIL ACCOUNT, CANCEL FACEBOOK
8. no opposite sex friendships
9. complete honesty about the affair
10. commit to the Marriage Builders program
11. Post Nuptial agreement
12. Confession & apology to children
13. Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him
14. IC, MC, & Family C
15. Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose

when you say your divorce came to a screeching halt can you elaborate? Just wonderin.

Oh and he doesnt look at porn that I know of, although our marriage counselor told us to look at it together (as did my OBGYN when I went wondering why I couldnt get aroused). But he does look at photos of me naked. Of course, now I know he was also looking at ones of her *sigh* that I saw...which sickeningly where very similar to the ones he had of me. He never asked for pics before he was with her...and it makes me nauseous to send him of me, because even though he likes it and it makes him feel good...ti reminds me of her. *sigh* any thoughts?

confusedandtorn. This jumped out at me. Your WH CANNOT talk about personal issues with members of the opposite sex including your best girlfriends. That would be poor boundaries and how he got himself into trouble to begin with.

There are many BS here where the OW was the betrayed spouse's friend... including me.

The reason your H is so overcharged and aggressive is because he watches porn, which needs to stop. And he should never do this again. Tell him he has to keep his hands off you unless you want it. He stupidly is causing a sexual aversion by doing this. And you shouldn't allow him to do it. As far as "abuse," there is nothing he has done that is as abusive as his affair.

Porn does not turn on most women so that is stupid advice. Women need 2 things to feel sexual desire, an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment. One of the main reasons you don't feel aroused is because your H paws you. That is a turn off to most women. If your H would learn to meet your needs in a way that made you feel emotionally attached him, you would feel attached to him.

Ok. So his boss and his boss's boss talked to HR. They told him to take a few days of vacation and think it over. They are supportive and understand his choice. They want him to come back after talking to me and let them know what the "stipulations" are. Seems to me they are very supportive. They said he can take as long as until next Friday.

I said the following stipulations:
1. He cannot work in that building. He must work in an alternate location.
2. No contact of any kind. No phone, email, letters, interoffice correspondence (he said this to them to, they said that's fine).
3. I want something informing me that they are aware of the situation in it's entirey. Whether this be a letter, email, a meeting with HR. Whatever.

Seem ok?

Also - do I let him home? I'm off all day tomorrow also...soooo I will be there if he is there.

How do I behave? Like normal? Make dinner, sit on the couch together, hug?

I have my list of conditions. I gave it to him. He read it at my desk at work.

He is willing to send the letter but thinks its backward that I say no contact and then make him write a letter. But he's doing it so yea.