I have some questions. Over the course of the last 2 years, my husband has perpetually bothered me for sex. he will ask and ask and keep asking until I give in. It got better after the affair because I stood my ground. Now, by no means do I deprive him. At least 2 times a week we do it voluntarily. But the man constantly bombards me with his penis, pressing it into me, groping me, etc. This is part of the reason he feels he has an additicion, he feels that his thoughts and feelings of sex overrun his mind and its all he can think about. He told his brother that even when I was crying on his shoulder, he was getting aroused.
Last weekend, a few days before FR, we where home sick. We where in the kitchen and he began pressing against me, he hoisted me up onto the counter and started making out w me and pushing on me,. He tried to pull down my pants, I said no honey I dont feel good...he kept telling me to bad. Not in a way where hes like "to bad I am going to restrain you' but almost in a way HE thinks is playful. I kept saying no and he picked me up and took me to the couch. He took off my pants and I kept saying babe, common! Im sick. And he put it inside of me. I got angry and pushed back a little and rolled my eyes. he stopped and said sorry. I put on my pants and he said sorry. Do I think this is ok? NO. Am I sure its rape? No not really.
My friend cares for me very much and has been looking at this site, the articles and agrees the advice is good and it probably works in "normal" cases. She asked me "what advice do they give out in response to spousal rape" and "are there people on that site who have had a problem like that and how did they deal with it?" "do they still encourage you to rebuild in an abusive relationship?".
I know this has been emotional abuse and maybe even sexual battering. I am not sure I am comfortable with "rape". I am not fearful that he would hit me or hurt me. I was in a physically abusive relationship before and I walked away. With 3 cracked ribs, but I was a kid. (17). I know physical abuse. However, I do have a hard time admitting something horrible has happened to me. I was molested several years ago by a 40 year old man when I was 17. My WH (who was not my boyfriend yet) was in the room but passed out drunk on the other side. I woke up being touched below by this man. I froze but eventually got up, and moved to the other side of the room. I never have considered that "rape" althoguh my therapist tells me otherwise. So maybe I am skewed. anyway. I wanted to put that info out there.
Everyone is different and everyone copes with experiences differently.
Some people would like you to define your experience as rape, so that you may see the importance and bearing of it, while others will encourage you to not call it that and or to brush it off.
Technically, rape can be perfectly defined, you can find those definitions on the internet and in the law.
Luckily, we are far removed from the days, where men where allowed to do with their wives as they may, including forcing sex on them or beating them.
On the other hand, we must admit, that no two people are alike and no two situations are alike. For many women there is a huge difference between being raped at knifepoint by a stranger who jumps out of the bush, or being more or less playfully coerced by their husband, or being forced to have sex by their husband who treats them like dirt, and so on. While for others, all of these situations, have the same bearing. With this, I do not want to say, it should be condoned, in any way, shape or form, to force someone to have sex with you. What I do want to say is, that you should be aware what happened, think it over for yourself, and determine what the meaning of that is for you and only for you.
We should beware to try to push our feelings onto others. Only you can live your life and only you can determine how best to cope with the situations you will experience. Some people cope by brushing things of, some will need professional treatment, some will not attach much emotion to it and make it something that just happened once. As long as you are honest to yourself, all strategies are legitimate. You will have to make that decision for yourself. Your therapist does not live your life. She had some 'therapist education' I'm sure, but who knows in what subjects she got a C? And we are only beginning to see scientific evidence for what the best strategy is to help people cope with things, and even then, what is good for 80% of people may not be good for the other 20%.
If you felt assaulted and grossed out when you were 17, you don't have to define it as rape, just because others would like you to. They won't have to live your life. It is yours and you sound like you are perfectly able to think for yourself. You make your own decisions.
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As to your husband and his sex drive, I can somewhat relate to that, as I've always had a high sex drive and wanting it more than one time a day and getting it 2 times a week can make you feel really frustrated. (In my case, it does feel somewhat like hunger - not easy to ignore a goodlooking pastry when you feel you're starving on a diet with too little calories.) The problem with your husband is not primarily his sex drive, but that he will let you feel bad, so that he can feel good. Dr. Harley wrote a nice article on that. The two of you can most certainly find many creative solutions so that both of you can be happy. But the solution cannot be, that he forces himself on you, without any kind of emotional connection, nice words, feeling loved. And then do with you as he pleases for a few minutes to get his high. What's in it for you? No foreplay, no affection, probably goes about his business right away, once he is done. That's enough to make anyone's appetite for SF to go away. (Would do it for me, I would then be Mrs. once-a-month probably ;-)
Once you start to recover, you will get to the meeting of emotional needs part. In that way, you get to address how you would like this need to be met, because I bet although you get more SF than you want, your need is not met in a way you are happy with. When you start meeting each others EN's and sharing UA and have fallen back in love, this need should be met better for BOTH of you.
Oh and PLEASE lose that marriage counselor. How is any woman going to feel better by looking at girls having xxx who look as if they spend all day in the gym and all summer getting boob jobs and have a team of make-up artists, hair dressers and lighting experts to make them look better thant best? Can I have a lighting expert in my own bedroom too? And a hair stylist, to do my hair between positions??? And a make-up artist to cover the zit on my but and to bleach my (certain body parts that should not be bleached)... Come on. You don't want to pale in comparison, do you? She can go make a movie herself if she thinks it's such a good idea.
Also, your husband seems to have picked up some bad habits anyway, which will be reinforced if he sees porn queen wanting it anywhere, everywhere, anytime with everyone. Not a very healthy notion for someone who just slithered past divorce for not being able to control himself in the real world. You can spend the MC money better.
Sorry this is such a long post, but I had to get that off my chest
You are doing great so far! Keep it up.
God bless Happyheart.
P.S.
As the children get older and less of a hassle, you will discover you have more energy for yourself and everything else.
