In other words, don't allow his "dream" to become your NIGHTMARE. Bad for your marriage!

confusedandtorn,

You're doing GREAT! Keep it up and DON"T second guess yourself.


You'll get some of those kind of comments. Keep in mind those are from people that have never walked that path and honestly have no idea how they would REALLY react IF they walked in your shoes! How many of us said "Cheat on me and you're outta here!" I know I did and I'd venture to guess most of us did. Until-- we really were in that situation AND found MB!!

No matter how your situation turns out, you will NOT be sorry for doing everything you could to save your marriage.

I guess I just worry that me telling him no creates that same resentment against me

I'm a people pleaser and a control freak, both
Of which I'm working on. I pretty frequently do things I don't really want to to please people I love. I spent thousands of dollars on my 2 bestvfriends weddings because I love them and they are there for me...but it put me in bad financial position. I guess I'm always afraid of someone getting mad. I'm getting better. It's nice to know I can come here and some one cam say "hellloooooo what are you thinking?!" lol

You can learn to stop that bad practice today, hon. Agreeing to things that make you unhappy is harmful to your marriage. The real threat is the resentment you will feel. He can find another "dream" that is not your nightmare. So you need to tell him that the idea of him being a cop makes you unhappy and is not something you are going to agree with.

He needs to find a job that COMPLEMENTS your marriage, rather than harms it. A job that makes you HAPPY, not resentful and sad. Making sacrifices, like you have in the past, harms your marriage in that it creates unhappiness and resentment. It also gives your husband a false expectation of entitlement that leads to neglect and abuse. Just think on that the next time you are tempted to "give in" to something that makes you unhappy.

from Effective Marriage Counseling pg 112-113

What about Resentment?
One of the most common objections to to the POJA is that it creates resentment when it is followed. I agree; it does usually create some resentment. But far more resentment is created when it is not followed. An illustration will make this important point.

George is invited to watch football with his friend Sam. He tells his wife, Sue, that he plans to accept the invitation. Sue objects.

If George goes ahead and watches the game, he's guilty of independent behavior. He is not following the POJA and Sue will be resentful. When George does something against the wishes of Sue, I call her resentment type A.

If George follows the POJA and doesn't accept Sam's invitation, then George will be resentful. When George is prevented from doing something because of Sue's objections I call this resentment type B.

Which type of resentment makes the largest love bank withdrawals: type A or type B? The answer is type A, and thats why the POJA helps build love bank balances. I'll explain.

When G violates the POJA, Sue has no choice but to feel the effect of the thoughtless decision [love bank withdrawals] for as long as memory persists - possibly for life whenever the event is recalled. But when George follows the POJA, the negative effect is limited in time. It only lasts as long as it takes to discover an enjoyable alternative that is acceptable to Sue.

George lets Sue know how disappointed he is with her objection but is willing to discuss other options. Sue wasn't invited to watch football and doesn't want to invite herself to Sam's house so she suggests inviting Sam and his wife to their house to watch football. George calls Sam, he and his wife accept, and the new activity puts an end to George's type B resentment.

Type A resentment can last forever, but type B resentment stops the moment a mutually enjoyable alternative is discovered. Those with poor negotiating skills may have trouble seeing the difference because they have not learned how to resolve conflicts. They may feel resentment about a host of issues that have been unresolved in their marriage. But after you teach a couple to negotiate successfully, unresolved issues are minimized. Then it becomes clear to them that the POJA helps build Love Bank balances by eliminating type A resentment.

Wow that makes alot of sense. You know, he is really laid back so hr never objects which so stems my insecurity. For example "I'm gonna go run w andre (my best friend-girl). He says ok.

He says "I'm going to my cousins to watch the fight" in my head I think "great leave me alone a night". Alternatives be we all go to cousins, but kids are grumpy and I deal w it. Or we take the kids to hid moms and I go. I dint generally *enjoy* the fights but I don't despise them either. Plus I like spending time w him and his family. They are dear to me. I might rather go be w my friends but we aren't supposed to
Leisure apart much at all right?

Also ...we showered together and talked about work. I told him "if you can't stay at *** with them compromising, you will probay need to go work w my uncle until you fond a new job". He hates this idea but we need income. He says "yea I know." I say I hate that it has to be this way but it does. And he says I should stop feeling bad. He says "I made my bed I'll lay on it" and hugs me. I said "I'll lay with you then"....

It was kind of nice...seems genuinely ok with the decisions he's made...which not ideal ge seems happy to be w me. Ill keep checking records and watching for withdrawal but that was at least nice.

confused, the way couples fall out of love is they stop spending time together. In order to sustain the love in your marriage, you and your H need to be spending 15+ hours per week meeting each others intimate emotional needs. Your H NEEDS to put his needs first and you need to be giving each other attention in your leisure time together. That means without kids and without friends. So while it is better for you to go his cousins with him, it would be even better for your marriage for you to go out on a romantic date with him.

I would, however, STOP doing things apart from each other. This is how couples grow apart and is the beginning of the end when they start having separate leisure lifestyles.

I would sit down and schedule 15+ hours a week just for you two ALONE. And then all of your other leisure time can be spent together with your kids and family. You are very lucky in that you have family that can babysit.

Doing this affair proofs your marriage because neither of you feels neglected by the other. And when a spouse feels neglected they can be vulnerable to the first skank who comes along and gives them attention.

You are doing just GREAT! I am so proud of how you bravely stood up for your marriage. YOU have brought your marriage to this point by putting aside your fears and taking a STAND. You kicked that old ho right out of your lives!

Thank you guys

It's going to be hard because our 2 closest couple friends are literally an integral part of our lives but I told him about the 20 hours and he said let's try so we will be focusing most of our time there. We will probably still have our friebd time but much less (and together...which since our friends are couples works out anyway)

We have a Halloween party the next 2 Saturday's and we are doing a couple costume

Yes, and cops have a high divorce rate.

Im on my phone so can't post links but find the article about type a &b resentment. It will help you understand.

How do you deal with being sad and hurt and get over thus pain? Here I am trying to be mrs. Nice nice....fawning on him because I know it strokes his ego (which is something I kno she did) etc. Trying hard to be "in the mood"... Trying not to pull away out of disgust when he kisses me. I love him so much... I'm just sad. I'm sad that we may be screwed financially. I'm sad I feel like I have to set aside how hurt I am etc. I love him. But how can I take time to grieve AND be attentive enough to meet his EN and keep him occupied?

And also... I kind of want to have my alone time. I'm training for a marathon....I don't want to think "well my training will ruin my marriage".... He says he'll come volunteer to hand out water on my Saturday long runs. I thought about buying a double jogging stroller so he can go w me tues/thurs fir maintenance runs but either his job situation I can't make purchases right now.

I feel so torn. I want to do whatever I have to t make this work....I guess I'm just grieving how much I have to sacrifice

I'm not going back I just guess I need to learn to manage it. I mean....I'm really strapped together constantly? I have to fear workouts will ruin my marriage? Or black Friday 4am shopping? I dunno.... I guess I'm just overwhelmed and sad.

I should be happy....but I just wanna curl up.

It's normal for you to feel, well, not normal.

You have done a great job in just 2 days you turned things around. It is normal to be exhausted.
Your feelings will go up and down during the next months. If you are having a hard time, sometimes antidepressants are recommended temporarily, because as you said, it is hard to rebuild, and meet your spouses needs, while you are actually the one, who is hurting tremendously.

It is normal to feel this way, and I think you are very brave!

God bless you and give you strength,
Happyheart

You are in the middle of the worst part of it. Please just hang tight and keep posting....it WILL get bette.

And you need to quit this. But of course you know that now.

This is all a part of prioritizing your M.

Confused, did you reinstall the spyware? You shouldn't be seeing that notice.

I'll bet they love the two of you, yes? And want you to be together and happy? When you let them know that you'll be spending more 'alone time' they should respect that. If they don't? Cut them off. They aren't friends of your marriage.

They respect it. I just will miss them.

I'm so pissed. My baby won't stop crying, my 5 year old wont listen and all I can think is that this might not even prevent losing everything, everything we've worked for since we where teenagers. Savrificed for. And he f*cked it all up. His career which we need, my heart, my confidence, my pride, my self esteem. I'm trying so hard not to let him see me cry and not to yell "eff you for ruining everything I believe in!" it's just horrid. Thanks for letting me vent here...I just want to yell and scream and beg. Agh

Normal response, sweetie. Yell here. We're used to it.