GG, your point about the babysitting was as good one.

Opt, It sounds like your life is full and going well, that's good!

Well, it seems as though we�ve gotten through some weird family blending issues. Time and limited interaction has helped. I learned a lot about NG�s daughter and son in the last couple months and I can see that they are quite affected by rough childhoods with a father who chose not to participate in their upbringing (who wouldn�t be affected by that?).
I�m going to have to be very patient and understanding with them.
Unfortunately my S15 is not so forgiving and is still upset with the way his sister was treated by NG�s daughter. As well he should be, but it�s hard for him to understand just how difficult it is for her, she is a very troubled young lady.
My strategy for now is just to keep either separation or supervision.

Meanwhile NG and I get along famously. We laugh a lot. She nurtures me and I love taking care of her. She�s a jewel. I wish I could be more, but I think she understands things have to move slowly as there are so many factors, not the least of which is it�s only been a year since my D was final (last week). I�m sure I still have barriers up. I trust her to protect me and our relationship, but sometimes I wonder if I�m really ready to give everything I have, or if I�m holding back for some reason, or am I just deficient in some way?

I don�t concern myself with ex, but that she still hangs with OM#2 is a source of irritation. He�s a loser and I wish he wasn�t around my kids at all. If she needs to be with a loser, at least pick one who didn�t have a hand in assisting the demise of my marriage � I think it�s insulting to the kids. I don�t know how some people do it when their exes marry and move in with OP�s and carry on like that; it must be so hard. My heart goes out to them so much.

I still love the way NG handles conflicts and problem solves. She encourages communication and talking. She is emotional but she doesn�t let it cloud her approach � not for too long anyway. And she apologizes! It�s so amazing to be with someone who admits when they see things differently than at first � with some introspection. We both seem to recognize that the relationship is far more important than little issues.

She�s still reading MB stuff and even was on the site a couple weeks ago. She gets a lot of the principles and we�ve been talking about POJA a lot lately. Her big thing is to sidestep the drama. How the negative emotions just make so many situations worse. In that, she has helped me see a whole new approach to life and it has been very compelling.

It�s been 9 months. I have been opposed to having her stay here when I have my kids � not wanting to send a message that overnights were okay for non-committed couples. However, one of the barriers to her getting to know my kids is that she isn�t here when I have them�
Catch 22?
If we get engaged, I would feel more comfortable with occasional overnights�
Am I a heathen?
Thoughts?

opt

Well, I think that you need to start having her over more when the kids are there, but not have her stay the night. If you're thinking of marrying NG, she and your kids need to start building a relationship. The only way S15 is going to get over his anger/hurt about how Little Sis was treated is to see that NG is a good person.

As far as overnights with the kids there...what have you taught them about sex outside of marriage? You need to practice whatever you've been preaching. I've always taught my kids that sex was for marriage, so when I start dating, that will be my standard.

Opt - I just have two questions. Has your WXW regretted anything yet? Does it seem like she realizes what she gave up in you?

Tough~

Kirby,
Thank you for your thoughts. I believe you are right and we have been trying to do more everyday activities with the kids and everybody all around at once. It is not easy. Basically it is just taking longer to get to that point than I expected. I suppose that is a good thing, because looking back I now feel I actually did rush some things with the kids when it comes to dating Nature Girl. My son wasn�t really ready for all of it, even though he thought he was, and said he was.
Fortunately, I think NG gets it, and she is patient. She does not put pressure on me, although we have talked about long term plans. I believe the kids (mostly S15) need more time to digest all this and develop trust of NG and that she is good for me.

In the meantime, we had another fantastic weekend together. Not my Saturday/Sunday with kids, so we took off for a rustic weekend in the woods and really enjoyed ourselves.

As for the overnights, Kirby I appreciate your words. I have had several discussions with my son about sex. Some of his friends started doing various sex acts at 14. He has steered away from them and has a couple of close friends he spends time with who share his ideals. I have stressed with him that sex is a huge responsibility and comes with many risks and considerations. I explained that 14-15 year olds simply aren�t ready to take on that role. So far that seems to have been sufficient. We spoke about sex again the other day and I will continue to just keep the lines of communication open. Personally, I can�t say I ever thought sex was only for marriage, so I can�t preach it.

opt

Hey Tough! Fortunately I can't really answer those questions. I don't honestly know what she regrets and what she doesn't. The last conversation we had about anything of that nature (our marriage) was maybe a couple weeks into the actual divorce, now over a year ago. Since then I have done a good job of keeping the conversations strictly related to the kids; she hasn't challenged me on that.
I don�t know what it seems like she feels either. I only know she seems to be the same stressed out drama girl I remember her as. Everything seems to be a big episode. Frankly I�m so happy to be away from it. NG is so opposite of that and has helped me develop a new even-keel approach to life�s issues. I wish I could deliver my kids from teh drama they get over there. But for now the best I can do is expose them to non-drama for 3.5 days per week.

Your question got me thinking about my regrets however. I can say that I still hate the idea of divorce, for my kids. I regret everyday that they can�t see their mother and father loving each other and treating each other with respect. Sometimes I think maybe there was more I could have done. Then I think about how resistant she was to change, and has proven to continue to be resistant to change. She has I suppose made some modifications, but she�s still with the same friends (including OM#2), watching t.v. almost constantly, and parenting with a �what about ME� attitude instead of looking for teachable moments or opportunities to bond. I also would still be dealing with the intimacy issues/painfully mismatched sex-drives, I�m certain of that. And it�s hard to be the parent you want to be when your wife is rejecting you; I know that from 15 years of experience. So, I wind up just regretting I ever married her in the first place. But then I would never have had two awesome kids who are truly a gift to humanity in my unbiased opinion. So I guess I just move on and try to learn from my mistakes and hope to imbue my kids with enough skills that they won�t make the same mistakes.
opt

So, it was my birthday yesterday and NG pulled out all the stops. She made me breakfast, gave me concert tickets, then later on came over and made dinner for me and the kids (my favorite - baked mac and cheese). Then more gifts (a couple smaller ones).

I was a little overwhelmed and uneasy actually. Why is that? Any insights? Is there an MB based explanation or do I just lack something?

My $LB is definitely overflowing as I love the Domestic Support. I just wonder why it's hard to embrace all the attention.


opt

Happy Birthday!! It sounds like you had a GREAT day.

Today is my birthday.

Here's my theory. NG's "love language" is acts of service and/or gifts. She did all those sweet things for you because that's one way she likes to show love. For you, either that's not your favorite way to receive love or you've been hurt/manipulated by someone in the past who did nice things then expected some kind of payback.

You've never posting anything about NG being manipulative, so IMO you need to relax and enjoy it.

That's kind of what I was thinking, only with a different slant...I was thinking it is maybe a trigger for you and that someone in your past did these things to manipulate you into loving them but they used you for their own purposes or it ended badly.

Hey, opt -- yesterday was MY birthday, too! We are twin brothers from different parents, it seems.

Happy birthday! It sounds like you had a great one!

Happy Birthday, opt & Fred!!

Wow, all the Birthdays! I think I remember that from last year, Fred -- HBD to you.
I hope you had a good one Kirb!
Thanks for checking in Susie!

I appreciate the insights. I suppose I've dated some manipulative women in the past; I can say that I don't remember being the object of such unselfishness.

Regardless, your encouragement is helpful. I will try to enjoy NG's generosity. She said today how much she liked doing things for me and making my day special.
One of her EN's is IC. I'm a good listener and so I have to remember there is "give" and "take" happening all the time.

I'll also re-read the love languages book. It's good.

opt

Happy Birthday, Fred!!

Thanks, Opt. It's been a good day.

Kirby, I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier ~ happy birthday!! My eyes went right over the pink font.

Happy B-day Opt and Fred !!!!!!!

Opt, the only thing I think I would add from the outside looking in is not to rush this, take your time, enjoy,

Take your time, the last thing you want is to in anyway rush into another marriage. And for sure you need to get through the infatuation phase of falling in love.

That said, I hope you enjoy to the fullest a wonderful relationship with NG, I hope she is the one for you..........

Happy b day
Don't get stuck.... I gotta say it must b nice to have someone who is happy making u happy......
My IC said to me today most men get married by 1 year post divorce but I am sure your not that guy.....
Good luck,....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ALL(Just like Scotty to come late to a party )

Why do YOU think you felt uncomfortable Opt?

Happy Birthday, both of you! 10/19 was my late husband and my wedding anniversary, kind of a difficult day for me now.
did you know it is also "Sweetest Day"?

Thanks for all the well-wishes! I love you all!
The best part of my Birthday was definitely sitting down to dinner with my two lovely children and my beautiful significant other. My son is finicky with food, but he loved the meal and that was a nice surprise.
D15 was so sweet to buy me a Yankee Candle with his own money he made babysitting; so cute. DD10 gave me some gift certificates she was saving; completely melted me. I said we�d get something together that we could both enjoy.




You know, Scotty, I�ve thought a lot about it, and obviously read the thoughtful responses here. I will not do the revisionist history thing. I could say it�s all my ex�s fault cause she was this and she was that (yes, she had a problem with shading the truth, but I tolerated it). I was at least 50% responsible for the feelings I felt and the position I was in for 15 years during that marriage. I could probably go back to other relationships as well although I never had many girlfriends.

I do believe the shortcomings of that relationship were a lack of trust and a lack of trust in sincerity. I don�t believe I ever could accept a gift in that relationship without feeling that I would be expected to reciprocate in some way (even if that wasn�t the case). Perhaps that was something I put on myself, but without openness and honesty, I was left to deal with it on my own.

The lack of sincerity and fear of getting too intimate with my wife-at-the-time probably stemmed from my infidelity from the years past and then keeping that to myself (I think there�s a subconscious fear that something will �slip� in the wrong moment when one is carrying around secrets).

So, for some of those reasons, I have to say I was never the object of such overwhelming generosity. Perhaps exWW was incapable of it; or perhaps I made it impossible for her to be that generous. Ultimately, when NG poured it on the other day, it was a humbling experience and I simply was not used to it. We discussed it again further on Saturday (there�s a whole lotta O&H in this relationhip).

In summary, I think my past relationships have contributed to my not being sure how to handle the attention. But I don�t want to say in a way that would indicate I was a victim in those relationships, that would not be fair; nor productive.

opt