We got back yesterday from a trip and it was amazing my wife and I had a great time I've always wanted to go to Italy and it was not a disappointment. My wife was amazing on the trip she had planned out a six-day tour of basically the entire country we got to see Rome,Naples,Venice,Milan, basically everything A Roman history buff like me would want to see. I had a lot of triggers on the trip Especially when I saw my wife talking to any other man be that the busboy for the tour guide. but my wife has been very supportive and willing to do whatever I need Be that keeping her distance for A little while OR listening to me scream about FBF. she says and has been following through so far that she will do anything I ask to show how sorry she is and how much she loves me and will spend the rest of her life thinking of new and better ways to show her love for me. But I still struggle with wanting to feel close with her There are times when we are very close and I feel like we were going to make it But at the drop of a hat that can change and I feel like I should just Leave and start a new life.

Another Roman history man! Excellent! I envy you sir, never been to Italy myself...

Since you've decided to try reconciliation, and if you're mind is scrambling, let me tell you this story you may already know:

Tiberius is married to Vipsania. Augustus needs Julia, a widow, to be married. So, he forces Tiberius to divorce Vipsania in order to marry Julia. Tiberius is crushed, but does as he is told. Afterwards, whenever he sees Vipsania, he is heartbroken, and tears up. Aides are forced to keep them apart so the future emperor does not cry.

A few thousand years later, here you are. As the rollercoaster goes up and down, you have the choice, which Tiberius did not. You've chosen to follow the plan here, in an effort to rebuild. Try keeping that in mind when you hit a dip - what is keeping you there. Hopefully, its the idea of a future with a rededicated wife committed to providing YOU with a healthy and happy future.It can be done! If I recall correctly, when you first brought up reconciliation, she told you about her research into infidelity and recovery. I'd take that as a good sign, others being her willingness to be transparent, no contact, follow the MB plan. Only you can determine if she is genuine in all this, but I sense that there is hope in your post, which is good!

Tiberius and Vipsania I never thought of it like that well said sir. And thank you for the words of encouragement

Its not exactly an easy fit, I never read of Vipsania having an affair on Tib, but my focus was on the option of having a choice.Reading your Roman history comment made it pop into my head. I'm glad to hear you had a good time on va-kay with the wife.Good way to start some new memories!

yeah right it is an uneasy fit but the story of Tiberius has always been one I've enjoyed its always struck me as kind of sad his mother marries the Emperor and he's taken away from his Home dad and forced call on you man father. And to top it all off he has to deal with the stresses of being the future Emperor.
And yes we had a great time and whether we stay together not I will never forget this trip.

I'm having trouble feeling attracted to my wife. We are having sex and it's great physically but I don't feel an emotional connection to her and was hoping to find out if that will hurt our recovery and if it's healthy. I spoke to my wife about it and it Really upsets her to hear me say that. I tell her that it is not that I don't find her attractive it's just every time we have sex I think of her and the OM And it's like it sucks all the joy out of Our lovemaking. So I thought I'd start This new thread to see if anyone else had this problem and how they've gotten past it I could really use some help as I think it will hurt our recovery.

Yes.

I still have mental movies, but not as often. Maybe this is TMI: @ 1-2 times out of ten I may have 'trouble' if you know what I mean. (after dday, it was SHE who was having trouble connecting with me in that way).

The difference now? We do not give up on each other if it's not perfect...our SF simply means spending more time together, in various ways, until, well, our SF is over.

And odd as this may sound being a BS -- I have found the most effective way to get through most of this is to concentrate that much harder on meeting HER ENs.

Thanks.

Not odd at all. We don't just do good things for those we like, we begin to like those for whom we do good things.

Its called the Benjamin Franklin Effect.

My wife and I are having a disagreement and I was hoping I could get some advice here. It seems like were having this disagreement ever since we decided to reconcile. She keeps saying that her affair has nothing to do with me And happened because she was afraid of getting old and wanted to recapture her youth. I find this hard to believe and feel that there must have been something wrong with our relationship or some EN one of us was not meeting for her to go out and do this. She says no that our relationship was great and that it was just a midlife crisis and that I make her very happy and she loves me very much. The question I have is do people have affairs without their being something wrong in the relationship from what I've read on this website that doesn't seem to be the case most people seem to have affairs when their marriage hits a rough spot and I was hoping I hear from some people who had affairs or their spouse had an affair and the wayward spouse said there was nothing wrong with the relationship.

Anyone is susceptible to an affair no matter how good the marriage, it is the boundaries and precautions taken that prevent an affair.

I would assume you are are missing some EN's for your wife even though she she says not. Read the book "his needs her needs" for pointers and perhaps try texting your wife at least once a day, use words that show you love her or flirt with her. If you not into texting, google for examples , don't go overboarand observe if there is a reaction on her side.

1.
It actually is hard for a woman to age. You can't do much about it (if you don't want to end up looking like a freak), but you notice that all women who are presented to be attractive in the media are younger than you. Well, except the one who is advertising for incontinence diapers, that is. And it is harder for a woman, if she has always been more than averagely attractive, because if people approach you because of your looks and treat you better than others, you become to think of this as normal. Until the day that you notice, that men are now opening doors for girls, that are your daughters age and staring at them while pretending to listen to what they say. And they don't see, really see you anymore. And you are starting to ask yourself if and how long you are still attractive. And along comes a man, who looks you in the eye and listens to every word you say and seems to find you attractive. You will have gained again, what you believed to be lost (you must be still hot ;-). And this may be the last time a mans was mesmerized by you, because you are approaching 40...

2.
Some people actually crave excitement in their lives. It is not listed among the 10 most common emotional needs, but Dr. Harley says in his book, that you can add your own needs, that you need for your spouse to provide. Maybe no the bungee-jump-kind of excitement, but probably more the I-can't-keep-my-hands-off-you-excitement.

3.
If you told her, that you have trouble finding her attractive, that must have really hit her hard. Because that is exactly the need the other man was probably meeting beautifully. I do not think it was just about sex. The panic about approachig 40 rather points at the problem I laid out under (1). You can still have sex with a hoast of people when you approach 70! And 70-year-old men will be perfectly willing to grab something on the side, I suppose. She wanted someone to want, to crave her, to feel exactly about her as the 10th commandment forbids. She wanted that to feel young and alive and sought after again. I severely doubt if it was the sex.
And now you are saying, that you have trouble finding her attractiv and are certainly not craving her at the moment. I am sure, she feels would rather be loved by you platonically for the rest of her life, than to be without you, but I do have the feeling (Having read your thread, not knowing her) that she also needs the feeling of (let's call it physical admiration).

Well, you know her a bit better, just think about it.

Happyheart

I was reading Happyhearts post on here and maybe chime in a little as a 40 year old woman.
First of all, 40 is a tough age to turn, I never thought of myself as a "woman" until then, I was always a lady or gal. Now suddenly I am middle age. It is hard to accept.
Now suddenly feeling "old" I want to feel young. When I look in the mirror I see lines that were never there before and the grey hair is creeping in and what used to be perky and firm isn't, it makes me kind of sad that my youth is going away.
EN are really important right now. A 40 year old woman wants to feel attractive, loved, important, young, sexy, beautiful (anything but "old") etc.
Just a little food for thought.

Another woman's perspective...no, I have not been comfortable aging either. I started focusing on it probably when I turned 35. I'll be 40 this year. Our culture tries to convince us that the "ideal woman" is a skinny, preternaturally young creature with an impossibly tiny waist and impossibly perky breasts (lol what goes through my mind when my girls are playing with Barbie dolls!!!). Ever notice how male actors often have longer careers as leads than female actors? Yes, there are notable exceptions, but seems like the leading ladies get younger while the leading men age.

I've never had a great degree of self-confidence in my looks anyway, but that whole getting older thing was in the back of my head. One of my top ENs is admiration. Allowing OM to meet that need was allowing him to make LB$ deposits. It was not about the sex at all for me. I wanted to feel beautiful and desired. I threw my life away for something so shallow.

Maybe...flirt with her like you did when you were younger and courting. Look into her eyes. Read SB's body language thread. Tell her she's beautiful. When my H and I were dating and newly married, he used to leave me little notes or say to me, "Good morning, Beautiful." Major LB$ deposits. I miss it.

Inner beauty is not so bad.
Inner beauty lights up the eyes and brightens the smile.

Wow great insights I never really thought of it that way I've always just assumed that if someone has an affair it has to be because someone was Doing something wrong. And it's very hard to find out that you can do "everything right" in the relationship and still have your spouse cheat on you. but perhaps your are all right And my wife was just afraid of getting old how do i deal with that how you deal with someone who can cheat on you for no good reason. I mean remorse and begging for forgiveness can only take you so far you still have to deal with how they could do this to you and that's what I still struggle with. So I guess I should rephrase my question and asked again. Is there any BS/WS whose marriage was in good shape before and during the affair and If so did your marriage recover and how????

Mittens, I was not trying to justify what your wife did. I am no expert, I am going through my own personal he11. I was just trying to let you see what it feels like to a 40 year old woman.

Exactly right - I think the point is that your W's "reasons" - whether it's fear of aging or anything - don't justify the decision to cheat. However, it may have caused her to have a greater need for admiration than perhaps she ever had before - our ENs do change - and having poor boundaries and allowing OM to meet her need for AD simply allowed him to get a foot in the door. Mitt, do you think she does not quite yet grasp what boundaries and ENs are? b/c if everyone who feared aging had an A, well, there would be a lot more people having A's. It's the combination of unmet ENs and poor boundaries that causes A's. You may have been doing an excellent job meeting her need for AD, but as she changed, her needs changed, and she began to need AD more. Rather than being O&H with you that it was something she needed, she started outsourcing that need.

I never thought you were and thanks for the perspective.





I'm pretty sure she gets the concept of boundaries and EN's it's just I think she's having a hard time with guilt Because Whatever we were doing wrong back then That caused the affair changed And the fog lifted and she gave up the affair. and now she feels guilty For what She felt back then and just doesn't want me to know and cause me more pain. I have told her that the truth is the best way for us to recover but I don't think she'll ever admit that I wasn't meeting her EN or what was really wrong to cause a affair.

My marriage was good before the affair. It was lousy during because... well, she was having an affair. Her motivations? largely to tick her parents off and get back at them. we are still recovering, but see light at the end of the tunnel.

Doesn't that piss you off that she would hurt you so bad for something so insignificant and Petty. I mean that's what gets to me the most that she would do this Over something so trivial as your age.