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I just found this in the article section. Very good reading. But no one told me!
by Steven W. Harley, M.S.
Bruce was absolutely furious about even being in this situation. "I was faithful year after year! I did what I was supposed to do and I never complained! I did my job!" he yelled, "Don't I get any credit for that?!"
Bruce was sitting in Andy's office, Bruce's lawyer. Bruce had just been fired from The Fealinngs Medical Company (TFMC) because Bruce lost his certification. He was meeting with Andy because Bruce was not sure what to do at this point. But he did know that it wasn't his fault.
"Andy, tell me how TFMC could be so cold? I've been a model employee for 12 years. For 12 years! And the first time that I lose my certification, BAM! I'm canned. And it wasn't my fault anyway. Can't they see that? Can't they see that I wasn't told! They didn't send the letter!"
Wait, wait, wait." Andy said, who was very confused with what Bruce was saying. "Can't who see what? Who didn't send you the letter?"
With a sigh of condescension, Bruce continued, but speaking much slower hoping Andy would understand him this time. "TFMC fired me because I lost my certification. But, what I tried to tell them was that I never got the information letter from the State Certification Board."
"Information letter? What information letter?" Andy questioned.
Bruce sighed again and continued. "It's a letter that the certification board sends out every year covering all the certification renewal information and when all of that stuff has to be in. I never got it!" he yelled. "This is what I tried to tell TFMC, but they wouldn't listen. They just fired me."
"Can't you just reapply?" Andy asked.
"Sure. But once you lose it, it takes 2 years to get it back. TFMC said that they didn't want to wait that long. They said that they needed someone who was certified to do the job right now. So, they are going to look for someone else." Bruce said in a very defeated voice.
But as Bruce sat in his chair and pondered his situation, he became increasingly angry and said, "I want to sue the state, Andy." "What?" Andy replied. "It's their fault!" Bruce exclaimed. "Every year, they would send me a clear reminder about what I had to. They spelled out what I had to do over the next year and when I had to do it. Every year for 11 years in a row, this is what they did. It was the routine. It was how it was done." With an almost sinister look on his face and increasing hope that this is how he could get his job back, in a louder voice said, "So, when they forgot to send it out this year, how was I supposed to know! No one told me!!"
Andy sprung up from his high-back leather chair and quickly shut the office door. "You'd better calm down, Bruce! And right now!" Andy stated with disgust. "Allow me to explain something to you here. And because we go way back, I'll be straight with you. Ok?" Bruce nodded. Andy continued, "It is YOU who is responsible to get those continuing education credits in on time. It is YOUR responsibility to understand how and when you need to get all that stuff in." Andy was becoming increasingly irritated. "Who do you think you are anyway? Do you think you're something special that the state would assume full responsibility for holding your hand every year so that you could maintain your expertise? Why would they do that?" he yelled. "You're a piece of work, Bruce. You really are."
Andy took a moment to gather his composure. He usually gets upset with himself when he loses his temper like that. But, there are few things in life that bother Andy more than people who refuse to see their own responsibility in things.
"Let me put it to you this way, Bruce." Andy said as he leaned forward in his chair. "Why do you like working at TFMC?"
Bruce had a puzzled look on his face because he wasn't sure where this was going.
"Why do you like working there?" Andy asked again.
Bruce answered, "Because it's my passion. It's what I love doing. I really enjoy how I'm treated there. Well, at least I used to enjoy it. And if I'm going to have to pay the bills doing something, this is what I want to do."
"So it's about as important to you than anything else you can think of, huh?" Andy stated in a very self-assured manner.
Bruce quickly responded, "It IS as important to me than anything else I can think of. It's my life, Andy. That's exactly why I want it back." Bruce started to feel depressed the more he thought about not working at TFC.
Andy continued his line of questioning in a very direct yet sincere voice. "Bruce, if it is so important to you, if that job is such a source of joy in your life, then why on earth would you rely on anyone but yourself to make sure that you were doing what you need to do in order to keep it? Any information provided by the state should be viewed as a SERVICE, not a right. Does it make your job easier when they provide this service? Absolutely! However, maintaining the requirements to keep your certifications is still YOUR responsibility."
Bruce literally sank in his chair as he felt the weight of responsibility drop in his lap.
So, how does this apply to your marriage? Consider TFMC as a representation of your spouse, the certification as a measure of expertise at meeting your spouse's needs and avoiding Love Busters, and the continuing education information letter as how to maintain your expertise.
It's nice to have important information provided for you. However, since maintaining your expertise is so critical to having a happy marriage, why not make it your responsibility to gather the necessary information?
Food for thought...
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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GREAT article, LD!
For what it's worth, I think you have to be direct with your H, spelling out very specific ways your H can contribute to your love bank without beating around the bush and without LBing.
That's what I've been trying to do lately - is give my husband direction and asking for specifics.
So often we want them to want to take the lead and they don't and we just get frustrated. Maybe you can hand H the books or workbook or whatever and tell him you want him to set up a schedule to get this done or something.
I do understand how you feel: you want to see progress, not apathy. Often when THEY feel things are good they don't see the need for action. You have to let him know it's not all good with you, in the most loving way possible.
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Ii have told him all of this and it will get better for a few days. Im to the point that having to tell him is a LB in itself.
I think I have to face the fact that I have a renter and he does not want to put that much work into it. It was easier to find someone else last time and I feel like he will do it again instead of working on us.
I pray im wrong and he will step up but so far he has went to craigslist more in the past 2 days than this site. Maybe if I post an add in the wanted section of craigslist he will respond. Who knows anymore. Im on AD's and I know they are working but im still going downhill fast.
All I've wanted to do is sleep for days and the only reason im getting up is my dogs need taking care of.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Ahhh...I didn't realize you've told him this previously. (I didn't read the whole thread, just the last couple of pages. I need to go back to the beginning I suppose to get the whole story.)
Maybe this has been addressed before...but what does he say about his frame of reference right now? Is he happy? Is he thinking nothing needs to change? What is he looking for on Craigslist?
I have suffered with depression in the past. Still do when I'm not careful to make sure I'm controlling it. I know how it feels to want to do nothing but sleep and isolate, and it isn't good.
What do you have in your life that's "yours"? I found going back to school very invigorating for me. It gave me goals and a sense of accomplishment. I didn't realize how badly I needed it until I jumped in and did it. Also, I made a point to have friends to do things with. That way I wasn't looking at H as my sole source of companionship. I started all this while I was Plan Aing, before discovering the affair. I have continued thrugh recovery.
I know your spouse needs to be your #1 companion, but I find that when you have more to bring to the table in terms of your own life, it sparks your spouse's interest in you and your feelings. When you're dealing with depression, you don't bring much to the table because it's all you can do to make it to the table!
Since you are already on ADs perhaps there are some lifestyle choices you can make that will help. ???
I feel for ya!
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He just looks through the stuff for sale. He buys cheap cars and fixes them up to resale.
He is happy for the most part but im sure that will change since im not meeting his needs as much.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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So, do you think he is just being lazy or that he doesn't care?
I find that sometimes what I feel is lack of caring is just that my H is perfectly satisfied and thus not as motivated to do things differently. Change can be hard. It's easy to slip back into "the usual" and it has to be a daily effort.
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Lazy, I had mentioned that Dees husband had come here but untill I was in tears today over him not doing anything unless I led him by the nose. He finally signed up and posted once. We will see how many times he posts and how long he sticks around.
If he would just put in 10% of the effort he did with her for my recovery, I would be better off than I am now. He would text her 400 texts a day and talk on the phone with her for hours at a time when they could not meet up.
I get maybe 2 or 3 texts a day telling me what time he is getting off and he loves me.
When we first started the recovery, he would do little things like send me texts for no reason or little notes or small .99 stuffed animals that said I love you. He has not done things like that in several months.
I miss it but if I tell him I want them, it is not the same.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Ok update. He has read in LB outloud to me 2 nights in a row. It was kinda funny because his new jobs hours are all over the place .... I never know when he will be home.
Anyway when he opened the book to read Saturday after getting off several hours late. The chapter we were supposed to read that night was chapter 10. "Resolving conflict over career choices and time management" he thought I had set that up but I didn't. That was where we left off.
Anyway it really had some things in it that got him thinking. He said the hours are crazy right now because they didn't have a trailer mechanic for so long they are backlogged and in a week or 2 he will be caught up and he will discuss set hours he had to leave by even if he had to go in earlier.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Sorry about double posts but my phone will not scroll down.
I guess some of the things you guys are saying are really sinking in. Don't get upset if he does not answer during the day because he is a heavy equipment mechanic and he does not pick up his phone unless he has to. He has damaged a few phones on the job.
I can see him trying some like he cooked for me last night and was more affectionate. I just don't want to get my hopes up again.
If in his posts it ever sounds like I need to step up in something ..please send the 2x4's this way. I might be as lost as he is.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Well dang keylogger.
20 mins before going to work. First 2mins on his post this morning.....rest looking around at junk on craigslist. Im just so diapointed. I really thought u guys were getting through.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Im just so diapointed. I really thought u guys were getting through. It's a marathon, not a 50M dash..... This will require the willingness for BOTH of you to be radically honest with the other if your marriage is going to survive. Tell him when he is hitting the mark, and tell him when he is not!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Does he know how you know what he does? He is not going to find out by reading here?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I did. I even worded it where he would understand
I said "in how would you feel if you gave me a website about something that was very important to you and told me our marriage depended on me learning everything I could on this site. How would you feel if you came home and I was playing a computer game instead? "
He said he got it.
Oh and he said you asked about NCL and EPs. We had already covered that before we found MB and im satified with both of those things. He had a small slip up last month looking at pictures but I called him on it and he tightened that one up.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Oh and he said you asked about NCL and EPs. We had already covered that before we found MB and im satified with both of those things. He had a small slip up last month looking at pictures but I called him on it and he tightened that one up. I'm building dialog with him to see what he understands about MB vs what he doesn't. It may feel like pulling teeth in the beginning, but I can tell he's apprehensive to begin with.... so steady we go. If I cover each step with him, he won't be able to say, "I didn't understand this/that". KWIM? You need to work on providing your H with "Care & Protection", while we work on teaching him how to provide that to you. Again, it's a marathon, not a sprint!
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Oh and he said you asked about NCL and EPs. We had already covered that before we found MB and im satified with both of those things. He had a small slip up last month looking at pictures but I called him on it and he tightened that one up. "He" wrote a NC letter? "He" wrote out a list of EP's that you are enthusiastic with?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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I really appriciate what you are doing. I know you have your life and a new little girl to take care of. (just noticed this in your sig. Congrats!)
I think he will open up to you as he said he was very supprised at how nice everyone was to him. I think he was expecting everyone to jump all over him as if he was still wayward.
I had lent my SAA to my son when he had his d-day but I told him to bring it back to me because I think David needs to read it. I read it and I guess I didnt translate it correctly before starting on the other books becuase he was still VERY touchy about even reading the word Affiar so I didnt make him read it.
He is supposed to bring it Thrusday and we have a few more chapters on LBs and then we will do the worksheets for that.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Did he come clean with ALL the questions you've had regarding his affair? Did he give you an adequate timeline of events?
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Oh and he said you asked about NCL and EPs. We had already covered that before we found MB and im satified with both of those things. He had a small slip up last month looking at pictures but I called him on it and he tightened that one up. "He" wrote a NC letter? "He" wrote out a list of EP's that you are enthusiastic with? No, he didnt write one and the ending was not exactly how I would have liked it because he admitted when he called to call it off she was breaking up with him first. I verified this with her the next day that she said she was done because he was lying to her. If you feel he should write one, please let him know but I dont really need it as I have been at peace about the ending for awhile now. EP's are not written out but we have talked about them. I would love to see them written out so we can make sure was are on the same page. He has givin me examples of how he will never put himself in that place again but in writting would be nice.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Did he come clean with ALL the questions you've had regarding his affair? Did he give you an adequate timeline of events? I think this last time I did but it had an extra time of sex that he remembered. I asked him when he "remembered" it and never really got an answer on that. I told him if he remembers anything else I must know right away. I had known there was more than he said, I had talked to her all day via texts the day after she called it quits.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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Thank you again for everything, He is going to talk to his work today to set a more rigid schedual. As of right now, I never know when he is going to get off work and it makes UA time hard to work on. He had to take what ever he got untill he proved that he was good at what he does (works on and rebuilds 18 wheeler trailers). They asked him to come on as temp untill the end of the year but now they are asking him to stay on. I have no problem with it since he really loves to work there but I had to have a set work schedual.
The guys that run the shop live in another town and stay at a campgroud during the week and go home only on weekends so they think nothing of going out to eat for 3 hours in the middle of the day and staying at the shop untill 9 or so at night.....That does not fly with me.
Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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