Lexxxy, I can say with 100% certainty that I am right, because after being 'told' by my spouse "If I leave, he goes with me."
I've consulted a local attorney who confirmed that there was nothing I could do to prevent my spouse from removing our child from our home should she leave. My only option at that point would be to file for dissolution of our marriage along with a petition for custody in order to "get him back".

And, I'm trying to protect our child from the negative consequences and minimize the impact of her bad behavior choices....nothing I've done has any intention on "protecting her from the consequences."

I am not trying to be argumentative, because I know that most people here are well intentioned and from what I've read seemingly caring people, otherwise I would've remained a lurking.

But earlier this afternoon, smug comments like this:
"Are you being mysterious in order to tease? Do you think it brings more interest to your story? " frankly annoyed me rather than helped me.

P.S. I have read "His Needs Her Needs".....I've read so many books since D-Day, trying to identify and make changes for the 50 % responsibility I own that contributed to the deterioration of our marriage, that I forgot the title.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?????? Um, yeah, there's something you can do: YOU TELL HER SHE IS NOT TAKING YOUR SON OUT OF HIS HOME.

Pretty easy, really.

Have you told her she needs to leave yet? DD, she's been dumping on you for a year. Tell her she has to go. You've put up with this disrespect long enough/

YOUR SON STAYS WITH YOU.

DD, the path you are taking now will lead to a situation where you end up being kicked out of your own home, and your WW moving the OM in to take your place. Is this that what you want? If not, you've GOT TO GET OFF THAT PATH.

Your WW is brazenly carrying on her A in front of you. She is showing you that she has absolutely no respect for you at this point.

You are not earning her respect by allowing her to continue to do what she's doing without consequences.

You can start by (a) securing your finances, then (b) filing for D, for sole use of your home, and for 100% custody. By filing first, YOU get to control the situation. Filing for D doesn't mean that you will end up getting D'd, as you can call the process off at any time.

SusieQ,
It took me a while to read through that post.

While I can relate to some of the elements, such as "Fear of �pushing her further away�. I would have to add "Fear of losing their child(ren)."

Once you accept the reality you are know facing as a result of your spouses choices, you not only have to consider that your response to your spouses choices will impact yourself, but your innocent child. Because the BS doesn't care about anyone but themselves, IF the LBS becomes selfish too and focuses of "finding their happiness too, like the BS, that leaves an innocent child traumatized WITH no responsible logical adult
looking our for their well being.

I guess what I've not seen in either "His needs, Her Needs" or "Love Must Be Tough" is any consideration for the impacts on children...both focus on the BS and LBS as if children are not to be considered.

I guess I was really looking for input, and being able to relate to others, facing similar circumstances, who have young children to consider. (And no, I'm not saying older children are irrelevant, just different circumstances.)

DD.

DevotedDad, I agree that you should be concerned about the impact of the affair on your child. As such, the best thing a betrayed spouse can do for his child is protect that child from a divorce. The best way to avoid divorce is to kill the affair. And what is the most effective way to kill the affair? Exposure. Exposure of the affair gives you the very best chance to save your marriage.

Those of us here in recovered marriages attribute our saved marriages to exposure. In some cases, exposure ended the affair the very day it was exposed. In others, it hastened its death. The reason is because affairs thrive on secrecy. Keeping it a secret only serves to ENABLE it. Exposure is ruinous because it ruins the fantasy. It is like turning on the lights in a crack house and inviting in a crowd of people. It is no fun to get high when everyone is watching!

Have you exposed the affair? Is the OM married?

MB

I am not kidding. Like I said,

I have no legal recourse to prevent it.

Just wanted to point out that there is nothing stopping you from taking your child back. If she has a right to take the child, so do you. We have had many men on this forum who got primary custody of their children and full possession of their homes just by hiring an aggressive attorney who filed on grounds of adultery. [in many no fault states, adultery is taken into consideration]

That being said, it might never come to that point if you can kill the affair. What kinds of things have you done to kill her affair?

I realize, I've enabled to a degree, because I felt if there was any chance of reconciliation, in hopes that she would "come to her senses", exposing (a.k.a, effectively smearing her) would be viewed through the affair prism/logic of an "act against her"...
worthy of unforgiveness.

And in the long run, "telling everyone" would serve only to negatively impact her willingness to be cooperative, and highly likely to cause acts of vengeance should I end up being a part-time dad.

I understand the logic of exposure, but looking at the big picture, and given the fact that there really is no one whose opinion she would consider valuable, other than a close personal friend who she's already rejected because she's expressed her extreme displeasure with her continued bad behavior.

Nothing seems to matter anymore, other than what she wants.

Trying to work with what I have, while praying and focusing on my relationship with our child. Hence, my comment about "unique circumstances".

In reality, a cookie cutter approach is not always possible.

The fact is, due to much of this country still being 'pro mother' you might not get the best deal in divorce. However, the fact also is you cannot continue to let this affair be rubbed in your face.

My dh did this with his now XW. He kept being 'nice' because he didn't want to lose his kids. He ended up losing his kids, his wife and everything he owned. He should have fought MUCH harder. He wishes he had.

It is really frustrating that we have to ask for four pages before you will tell us that you have not exposed and don't want to expose. *sigh*

I would really appreciate it if you would answer the question as to WHO OM is (coworker?), if he is married & if his BW has been informed.

{I've consulted a local attorney who confirmed that there was nothing I could do to prevent my spouse from removing our child from our home should she leave. My only option at that point would be to file for dissolution of our marriage along with a petition for custody in order to "get him back".}

Then you need to consult a different attorney/s-my WH/now X filed and paid money for an aggressive attorney IMO due to having and continuing to have affair/relationships with OW1 and now OW2/now current GF and his recreational drug use thru our marriage.

I strongly encourage you to CYA/protect your child. My WH/now X filed and that included a temporary parenting plan that was jacked up. Our DD was being shuttled back and forth on a nightly basis and this was what they considered to be in the best interest for our child! my first lawyer didn't bring up the infidelity, drug use til way late in the process and by that set precedent for "equal" custody.

Don't threaten, bargain, or make your WW aware of your intentions-find lawyer review sites and to find out what former clients have rated/remarked about the lawyer that you've consulted or will use.

Actually it has the opposite effect! Just ask those of us who have saved our marriages. Keeping it a secret will lead you to divorce. What it does is ruin the affair which causes the wayward to become more likely to work on the marriage. You are more likely to end up a part time dad if you DON'T. The worst thing you can do for your marriage is help hide the affair, because affairs thrive on secrecy.

Enabling your wife's affair is to contribute to the demise of your marriage and your child's family. You become an accessory to the crime by doing nothing. That is certainly not in your child's best interest.

As Dr Harley, who has saved thousands of marriages, would say, it is very hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. And keeping the affair secret is to ENABLE it.

Being an enabler is a complacent approach that reflects a lack of caring to your wife. On the other hand, exposing the affair and fighting for your marriage shows her you DO CARE.

Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders, says about exposure:



Some applicable radio clips where Dr Harley discusses how hard it is to save a marriage when you enable the affair: here

And another clip of a caller who saved his marriage by exposing it [his wifes affair was killed that very weekend by exposing it - they are now well into recovery]: here


Would you concede that -in reality - perhaps you are not the best judge of that? And that perhaps you are the least objective person on this thread?

A cookie cutter approach IS always possible since there is such little variance in the whole deal from couple to couple. Names are different. Addresses of homes are different. How the affairees met (meaning where) varies by work/neighbors/friends/gym/hobby
but the plans work since they are basically remarkably alike.
You put your instinct aside and use them and wind up in a better place than not using them. No guarantees the marriage survives but the betrayed one gave it their best, strong shot to rebuild a healthy marriage. Not a crippled one or one at all costs.

DD. Please listen to the advice you have been given. Your situation is not unique, not a bit. A textbook affair. Young child. Husband afraid to expose. You WILL lose your wife and child if you continue to play by her rules. Get your self respect back and fight for your family and son. Expose this nasty affair, PLAN A like mad. Man up! Your son will respect you for doing EVERYTHING in your power to fight for your marriage and make it fantastic.

SQ,

If you don't like the way I communicate, then please feel free to ignore me.

I didn't say "don't want to", I said the benefit is nil and the negative impacts are multiple and long lasting in the big picture. How do you get someone to care what someone else thinks ? Additionally, given our litigious society, I have reservations about things like "slander", "liable" even if they are not true, they are still expensive to defend against.....not interested in adding to the existing challenges already facing.

WHO OM is ?
A morally bankrupt individual, not worthy of the effort it would take me to spit, and certainly not worthy of my time or attention. Because, if it weren't him, it would be someone else. Right or wrong, I have focused my attention 100% on my spouse, keeping my family together, and taking responsibility for identifying and attempting to change the circumstances I have control over.

if he is married ?
Don't know,and I'm not aware of any way to find out.
I know a name and obviously cellphone, but nothing other than that. (See response above.)

&

if his BW has been informed ? See previous answer.

If you go away, I hope you go away happy, not frustrated.

MelodyLane,

I read the hyperlinks you provided.

And the following excerpt I am responding to in order to provide a clear indication of the circumstances, via () below.

"To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family (estranged from and whose opinions literally mean nothing), friends (already said, sole close friend knows and has been ignored), children (too young to understand), clergy (has stopped attending church and was never close to the priest anyway), and especially, the lover�s spouse (Unknown) be informed. Exposure in the workplace (unrelated to employment) depends on several factors."

Hence, my struggling to figure out what parts, if any, I can and can't use given the circumstances....because I know I need to do something.

If the whole enchilada is required, I guess I'm barking up the wrong tree.

You don't know that the benefit is "nil" and are not the best judge of that. Keep in mind that your best thinking has led your marriage to this terrible place. We are trying to help you turn this around. Your "reservations" are not rational, given that the truth is a defense to slander and libel.

I have been on this board for 10 years and have never seen a single case of slander brought due to exposure, however, I have seen hundreds of divorces filed when a BS didn't do anything to kill the affair. It is not in a waywards best interest to bring such a suit for obvious reasons.

Realistically, your greatest threat is divorce, not a slander lawsuit. There are only positive benefits from exposure. There are multiple negative consequences from the inevitable divorce that will come from enabling the affair, as you are learning the hard way.

I would implore you to accept that you don't have experience at fighting infidelity and let us help you.


Actually not. The reason it is this OM is because he did the best job of meeting your wife's EN and she is addicted to him. She is not addicted to someone else, after all. Saying he is not "worthy of your time or attention" is about like the French saying the Germans were not worthy of their attention as they invaded their country. If your country is being invaded, as your marriage is being invaded, then you had better learn everything you can about your enemy so you can vanquish him. You have to vanquish this enemy in order to save your marriage.

DD, I say this with kindness, but you do not have good instincts about infidelity and your ostrich strategy is going to lead you straight to divorce. Even if this affair ever does die a natural death before your marriage ends in divorce [unlikely] your wife will just go onto the next OM because she will still be wayward and because she knows you don't care much about your marriage. Your complacent approach reflects a lack of caring.

If you want to turn this around, you are going to have to set aside your complacent approach and do a little work here. We would be happy to help you but there is nothing we can do if you refuse to help yourself, my friend.

I would begin by getting as much information as possible about the OM. Find out his marital status, get a list of his facebook friends. Start making up a list of your wife's family, such as her parents, grandparents, siblings. I would also enlist the priest to speak to her.

Are your children age 4 or older? If so, then they should be told of the affair.

But first things first. Get all the pertinent information about the OM and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

START HERE. Find out his marital status, occupation, address, family members [esp. wife's name]. Get as much information as possible about him. That's where we start.