I'm talking about what, I'm terms of circumstantial evidence is sufficient to
Support a statement such as "XYZ has been engaging in an affair with my spouse."
What is adequate "proof" to support that statement ?
Given there are no 'smoking gun' elements such as pictures, or eyewitnesses.

Hasn't your WW already admitted it? Have you printed off OM's FB page? You can have cell phone records subpoenaed as well.

DD, this sounds like conflict avoidance to me as it is based on an irrational assessment of risk. First off, it is not against the law in the US to tell the truth. Secondly, if you are threatened with such a lawsuit, you should WELCOME it, because it will force the affairees to produce all their communications under discovery. A cheater is not going to be apt to subject himself to such scrutiny. That is why in my 10 years on this board, after hundreds of exposure, there has never been a suit brought. There have been lots of threats and empty promises to do this over the years but no one has ever given us the pleasure of bringing such a suit for obvious reasons.

Most attorneys can be expected to tell you to take NO risk, so what do you do if you get one who tells you not to do it? Sacrifice your marriage based on a very irrational risk assessment?

If you are really concerned about lawsuits, you should be more concerned about the divorce suit you are currently headed for. If you don't expose the affair, you are very likely headed for divorce. That is a REAL RISK that you seem to be ignoring.

You can always say you will request polygraphs of all parties to prove the truth.
Seriously, do you believe they would go a law suit which will require that THEY get on the stand and make a statement and risk perjury?!

As an attorney myself, I've often suggested on MB that it may be prudent (if you don't have absolute proof of sex) to use the term "affair" rather than "adultery". An "affair" doesn't have to be sexual at all to be true...whereas "adultery' has a specific legal definition.

Doesn't matter much...they'll only sue if they think they can shut you up for the time being and prevent further exposure...which is why you get it done all up front and with one swoop. Then you can just say..."ooops, my bad. Didn't realize your friendship was big secret. I won't do it anymore"

After that...there's no sense in them suing you as public courtroom is the last place a wayward wants to be.

Mr. Wondering

What is your evidence of an affair?

Listen to Mr. W. He's an attorney.

You'll otherwise just waste your money.

Now, read other people's threads. You'll see what exposure does. Exposure KILLS affairs.

Your plan is apparently to get a lawyer to tell you a worst case scenario about a groundless lawsuit so that you will decide not to expose after all. In the meantime, you will have taken so long to "prepare" that it will be too late for exposure to really be effective.

Have you read other threads here to see what worked and what didn't?

Except being viewed as an attempt to paint her in the worst light possible with as many people as possible out of spite.

Like I said, I would prefer to minimize the perception of doing this out of anything other than a "last ditch effort" to save my family from being destroyed.
It has nothing to do with smearing, although I fully expect it to be interpreted in the most negative perspective as possible.

And/or as my attempt to "play the martyr".

Yes, that is how she will view it. EXPECT it and EMBRACE it. She will accuse you of being spiteful, just as the falling down drunk accuses you of being spiteful when you take the keys to the car away.


Worrying about how you will be perceived is a waste of time. You have no control over the perceptions of your wife or anyone else. You need to worry about doing what you need to do to save your marriage.

Your wife will perceive you as "vindictive""hateful," blah, blah, blah..... That is an expectation. Some people will also criticize you for exposing. That is an expectation.

NEXT!

Make NO mistakes....it will be viewed as an attempt to be 'mean' out of spite.
It WILL. That means you hit a home run.
Waywards have a warped view of the world that means all things getting in the way of the fantasy romance are spiteful. Cause the world revolves around them while they are wayward.
You will get no rewards from the wayward for exposing but it is the right, strong, proper thing to do anyway. It is the right action even though some will see it as a campaign born from spite. Cause it isn't. They are wrong. You have to go into it knowing you won't get love immediately, but you do it anyway.
Oh. Those of us here know cause we lived it. And we would do it again. Whatever impact it had on the affair, we would do THAT important thing. It is that critical overall.

Exposure is done to bring light to the affair and to pull it out of the darkness where it thrives. The goal is to expose to someone/anyone who can influence your WW to end the affair.

Whether it makes you look good, bad or indifferent is not the goal.

I really appreciate all of the input.

Especially the distinction of terminology between affair and adultery.

Given, the only 'evidence' that exists is circumstantial but "hard"
is phone/text records.

Local Lawyer indicated expense of a PI not warranted because ultimately if things go down the path of dissolution, "No fault" makes it a moot point.

Hasn't your wife admitted to an affair? Her admission is a big portion of your evidence. And when you expose, you are simply going to say "According to the evidence, Joe Scumbag is having an affair wtih my wife, Susie, ............."


BE sure and double check this. In many no fault states, adultery is taken into account. It is used to determine custody and property division in many no fault states. You have to keep in mind that the goal of an attorney is to take the easiest, softest path and facilitate a nice, easy "amicable" divorce. I would suggest you do your own research before you take his word on anything.

I think to some degree, I've been dealing with the warped perspective Reading
Referenced for so long, along with my personality of trying to predict someone's
reaction and what I will do if a.), if b.) or if c.) happens,

One thing I've learned is there are absolutely no limits to the waywards ability to twist things and be unpredictable and inconsistent with their pre-wayward selves.

ML

Admission is not proveable to the OM's spouse/family/friends.....that's all I'm saying.

But it is evidence of an affair. And you can use it. You don't need to have a video of them having sex to expose the affair. You don't need to get into all that. Just explain that she is having an affair and has confessed this to you.

VEry true. And this is an expectation. It is much like trying to control or anticipate the reaction of a falling down drunk. You can expect your wife to be infuriated, to make threats and to spin the truth.

So when are you going to expose?