thanks CV for pointing all that out.

and thx Caracal for the bump.

just journaling a bit.

I have an issue of over pouring my thoughts, that it just spills into my replies, into my attitude, into my thought process, I question myself, others. I don't know, searching for anything, the answer, the key to fix this entire mess.

But I also find that I tend to immerse myself a bit into the things I am passionate about, is that a flaw?

I don't feel as if I have lost a balance in life.

For instance I was into cars, it became a hobby of mine right as I was graduating HS, it's a waste of money to some, but to those who are passionate about it......it's different, it's special.

At the same time this was all going on and developing.....my WW and her best friend since.......wow I mean when they were little.......they moved out into a nice duplex together to start college........but as soon as her friend started to have a life outside of their relationship......they never recovered that friendship b/c my WW just never understood it.

To this day........if I were to bring it up........instant Niagara Falls, over something so trivial b/c her friend was growing up......what happened shortly thereafter.........she moved in with me......

My WW then turned her attention on my hobby....she put up with it for a long time. Supported it at first...but again, grew tired of it and forced me to give it up when we moved into our home.......

I got out of it, I sold everything..........isolated myself from a lot of our great friends I had made and she had made doing that.........why?

So I had all this extra free time.......my WW was starting to really get involved with coaching.........so I got involved, taking pictures, making end of the year tribute videos for the kids.......to feel involved, which only led to me being more and more involved in her sport.........I grew to like it.

But she gave it up for no reason.......b/c she felt like she was being passed over? Wasn't being given enough credit for what she was doing..... I'd always talk her down, but it always would pop back up........but these were our only friends, people that have known my WW longer than I have. The sport she coached.........was year round and it made up our life........and she just up and quit one day, I supported her in her decision....what else was I to do?
And I remember........I was thinking.......what are we going to do now?

Again we became isolated........

She started becoming restless........we brought up marriage a couple times and it kind of just happened.....no real plan. I'll be honest........the thought of M never really crossed my mind, but I loved her.

And then boom 1 year later out of nowhere..........she has an affair.

And right now.......I can see the cycle starting all over.......she is about to graduate w/ her MBA that she has wanted to quit literally every week.......
And with that going away in December........she is all ready looking to get back into coaching......but is hesitant.......b/c it reminds her of me.......

Round and round we go.

Small update:
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Went to our house when WW was @ work to check on one of our dogs I haven�t seen in a month and to check on some stuff that I still have stored there including another vehicle.
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Everything appeared to be okay, WW has sold some premarital assets out of the home and is in the process of selling her car��
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Which I thought according to the D, neither of us was allowed to move any of our assets.� Will have to contact my attorney on that one, honestly I don�t care about those things, but if I have to follow the rules she should as well.
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One weird thing, I had a back pack in a closet, packed with stuff that my wife and I shared together, nothing terribly expensive, approx. $500 worth, it�s nothing she could sell b/c its unique to us and would be worthless to anyone else, but the items are all gone?
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Not quite sure what to make of that.
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Her wayward step father is advising her to change the locks on the home��.
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Again another issue to bring up with my attorney
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Her desk looks like a terrorist hang out, 3 or 4 different cell phones, game plans on what she needs to do��lol.
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Found about 100 or so pictures of her and POSOM near her desk as well, kissing, hugging, at her wayward parent�s house, anything and everything���it was weird b/c I literally felt nothing while looking at the pictures.
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Saw some printed off emails from wayward step dad to WW, continues to take jabs at me behind my back.� This was a problem before and I have confronted him on the issue but he never has the courage to say it to my face.
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Really that bothered me more than anything.� As I have mentioned before, wayward step dad has gas lighted WW before and that was when the problems started arise b/w him and I.
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I just want this to be over with.� I miss my other dog more than I miss my WW.�
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My IC asked me when was the last time I felt loved in our relationship w/ WW��.I couldn�t even answer her.
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And that�s the problem.� My WW has been head over heels for me since the day we met.� A year into our R I tried to break up with her�.and couldn�t do it.� WW moved in with us shortly after b/c she was going through a rough time, I remained committed and chose to still love her b/c��..that�s what good people do.
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I married a woman��.who values none of what I or my parents have showed her over our entire relationship�� but I must have been doing something for her, she always looked at me with such awe�.. I remember questioning myself on more than one occasion why I didn�t feel the same.
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I should have known better
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Still love her, still care for her��.not as a W though.
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Finah - Infidelity does that to you. You lower your value system to accomodate the changes you have to do inside of you.

It is a battle amongst them only. My WH had a higher value system while we were married. Now he is like your WW. They have a circle of friends that are not at their same value system.

Remember "Bad company corrupts good character."

Your WW will continue to chose those around her that make her pain, guilt, and choices tolerable. Because for her to up her friends with higher values means she will also have to up her values. That means she will need to address her issues. Today she refuses because inside it is too painful.

She knows you well, and she knows your family. You are her common enemy today because you represent her truth. She doesn't want her truth, and she doesn't want you to be in her face with her truth. Until she is ready to address her truth she will avoid you like the plague.

Stay dark and let her fester in her insides. Let her OM be her punching bag. She cannot control herself today. Her insides are building. They are building with pain, agony, doubt ... this will need to blow soon. You want to be out of her way when it blows. Let OM be around her to get the brunt of it.

Human nature cannot keep those insides locked away too long. She can try as much as she wants, but it will slowly begin to seep out of her.

Usually it starts with headaches, stomach aches, a lower immune system ... let me ask you, "Where is her negativity?"

My WH has hated everything in his life since his adultery. His job sucks, parenting sucks, I, his wife, suck, his friends suck, his finances suck, his living arrangements suck ... yada yada yada

Because inside he sucks -- something will give soon for waywards. It always does because this adultery works like an addiction. In the beginning the highs are there -- they are so powerful and so strong nothing in this world feels like it anymore.

As time progresses the chemicals wear off and reality sets in. The adultery is becoming harder to hide, harder to keep up with, and harder to rationalize. The adultery partner is beginning to show true signs of themselves. They rot with selfishness, lies, and deceit. The adultery partner is now human. But wait!!! How could this adultery partner be human when the feelings I had for them were so powerful?

This is when the adultery begins to crumble because the taker comes out now. The giver was in charge, but now the taker wants a turn and they turn on each other.

Adultery partners do not make good mates. The lies, deceit, and selfishness kills the relationship. Dr. Harley suggests that happens within two years. Sometimes it can take up five years. It just depends on the situation.

Today your choice is to wait out this adultery or move on with your life. It is up to you. She is showing signs there are cracks in the relationship. Wayward stepdad can try and pump up the relationship all he wants, but it is fading.

All the pictures of them two is her way of trying to hold onto the feelings of love. She is grasping at remembering the feelings. How many homes of elderly people do you enter and they have gobs and gobs of pictures of the two of them all over the place? Very few because maturity moves beyond that ... it is only sign of the first stages of romantic love. She doesn't have the tools to continue working it. They are both too selfish to make the relationship last.

You have plenty of time to decide your fate. She has another year left until she is at the two year mark. I predict its demise well before that time.

Tough~

Thx Tough

The kicker.......one of the pictures I saw......was both of their names written in sand w/ a big heart around it


We have the EXACT SAME PICTURE from our honeymoon that WW and I took, I couldn't help but laugh at that.

As for your question

It's every where in her life, her job, the house, her car.....she is getting rid of everything. Much like ur WH.



And I know what she is doing....


Pushing everything or anything out of her life that reminds her of me....or causes pain.

As if it will make it all go away like special fairy dust.

As for her wayward parents........they will do what they always do........drop off the face of the earth when things die down.


It's been over a year, approaching 1.5 years in a couple months, since she started this EA (or what I think was just an EA) with this POS.

It turned PA....literally overnight.


100% Her loss

I lose absolutely nothing by moving on and I have everything to gain.


If she did ever decide to grow a conscious and try and come back....I'm sorry but it's not going to be my job, yet again, to pick up the pieces for her.


There are serious consequences when you play the adultery card........


One of them is you may lose your BS forever.

Had the D Settlement meeting on Wednesday

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Pretty uneventful for me�..

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Probably should thank my attorney as she did all the work and negotiating for me�.. she knew I just wanted it over with and the details didn�t matter�..It�s all just stuff to me�.stuff that I can buy over�.money that I can still earn�.too young to sit there and worry about it.

That was my feeling.

Basically I received a cash settlement �..which surprised me and my attorney��

WW didn�t fight my attorney on anything�.which surprised me

WW was upset according to her attorney�..which didn�t surprise me

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I did make them go over a couple of big ticket items that were still left to be divided��I just wanted to prevent any confusion or future argument.

The things I chose��no fight from her side.

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As for the rest of the small stuff�..WW relayed thru her attorney that we should have no problem dividing it up��.which is news to me since she thought everything was hers.

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My attorney did bring up that my WW school debt (MBA program) that she incurred during the M��she could of laid half of that on me�..but didn�t even try to for some reason��.. she thought that was strange�..but we kept quiet on it.

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WW definitely got the short end of the stick��.by purpose�..to punish herself�..I don�t know?

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I thought for sure I was walking into a battle�..

*edit*

Is there something we can help you with?

You should read the articles on this site, and you too can have an affair proof marriage.

Affairs happen because a spouse has poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex. It says nothing about the state of someone's marriage. Even good marriages fall victim to affairs.

Maybe she did feel like she wanted to punish herself. I know that when my mom was having her affair, she signed EVERYTHING over to my dad. She was ready to leave the marriage with the clothes on her back. Her A ended, right around the 2 year mark, and she returned to my dad. They are currently floundering as they aren't following any type of recovery plan. Who knows why your WW did it, and it will make you crazy trying to figure it out.

Ima, I am offended. Both by your posts and by your posting handle. You show no signs of having any knowledge of Dr. Harley's work of over 40 years, and certainly do not exhibit any signs of being an "insider" to the Marriage Builders program in any way.

You jumped in here head first without introduction and started spewing nonsense that has nothing to do with marriage building.

I may get a moderator warning for this post, but rarely does a poster raise my ire such as you have with your presumption and reckless posting. I hope you will take some time to actually READ what this site is all about before you post again.

Who knows or to play the victim card.....just another wayturd mystery

She took notes when I took my own things out of the home, premarital belongings......

I had to literally steal 3 lunch containers so I could pack my lunch for work

Also coming from someone who wouldn't even give me a few spices for all the chicken that I cook.....

The constant message of everything is her's.....then a complete 180.


But....but they are soul mates.......the A end......not possible......A stands for ALWAYS.




That must be hard on you.......knowing what you know and how it can be saved.......I'm sorry.......my parents hold PhD's in love busting.......I often just have to leave the room.




Just a process I go thru.....

Big weekend coming up.

Moving time & the division of all the itty bitty things.

Honestly I can't wait to get my stuff out of there, recently it has felt like it has been holding me back in a sense from truly moving on.

Tried to get my stuff last week, WW wouldn't make time.

Heard thru the grapevine that over the weekend she thought I was dating.......which isn't true.

Magically her schedule opens up....couldn't spare me a day......now it's I'm free anytime.

wayturds....does it ever stop?

My original plan was to set aside a couple hours during the week where we would go over everything in the house......set it aside.......that way when I come w/ a truck on Sunday I can just pick it up and go.....no arguing....no fuss or confusion......done and over with.

I wanted to do that during this week........

She wants to do it on Friday or Saturday evening?

Hasn't given me a weekend in 7 months b/c those are strictly POSOM only days and now she can only meet then?

Pretty much preparing myself for anything in between gas lighting me and trying to sleep with me.

Ugh.... not looking forward to this.

Hi Finah, I'm only just updating on your thread and saw you are going to have contact.

You know you are breaking Plan B right? Up to you if you want to, but you are breaking it.

I thought I would suggest some options... does WW have to be there? Could you have IM write list of what items you want and ask WW to put these aside. Then you or IM could collect when WW is out of the house?

If you choose to do this in person with WW, I really would encourage you to have an impartial person accompany you. For support. You sound strong and may not need it, but it would likely reduce WW's gaslighting attempts and would certainly put a dampner on her trying to have SF!

Caracal
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I�m not worried about breaking Plan B��.I�ll be fine�.. I know it�s not advised ���..if I couldn�t handle it I�d use an IM��but really I have been fine around her, given her wayturdness.
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All just smoke and mirrors.
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It�s going to be a permanent plan B as soon as I leave with my things.
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Maybe I�d be up for reconciliation down the road��but not now.
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Sad thing is, this whole sitch���it�s taken me over a year to even begin to really see the big picture.
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I more than owned my side of things��..
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Her issues��..are bigger than the A �..It�s only a piece in that puzzle.
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In hindsight I wish I would have filed immediately with out warning when I discovered the EA.
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Naturally I was in plan A as soon as I discovered the EA�..been that way until I started going dark sometime in August I think��
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I am proud of myself though��when I discovered the EA��no love busters�..no disrespectful judgments��.never even raised my voice about it��..after we talked about it��I never brought it up again.
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Been busting my behind ever since trying to make her happy�..
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And I feel like I have sacrificed a lot of who I am in the process.
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The gas lighting I can control��.really when I deal with her it�s not bad��again for some reason I just have a way with her��
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Some BH�s are not so lucky on that front.
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As for the SF
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I don�t know�..I may record it��then send it to POSOM
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That seems like a nice going away present for everyone.

And on a side note. I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time she has cheated in our R.

this isn't surprising......just rec'd an email.


reneging on the plans....she doesn't want to rush things.


OH NOEZ POOR WAYTURD IS LOSING HER CAKE AND OPTIONSSSSS


Time for a reality check.

Those thoughts suck don't they? Not having any answers, just doubts and suspicions. I started to wonder about that at one point as well. Since WH doesn't even want to admit to the current affair, I don't have a hope in hell of getting an answer about the past. Especially not in Plan B.

I have just resigned myself to not knowing. I take pride in the fact that WH had no reason not to have trust in me. I can no longer say the same for him, and this taints my memories. If the fog ever lifts, WH is going to have some very bad days. Whereas for me, the worst is behind me. Ok, I am still on the roller coaster, but I am a long way out from D Day.

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Actually finah, in your sitch I often wonder if it is your WW that is benefitting a lot from your breaks in Plan B. Because you do have a way with her, and she craves your stability, you act as an anchor for her.



I hope you are only joking! Ok, we would all love to get revenge on the POS, but seriously, this is enabling WW. Not to mention you deserve much better than her crumbs.

WW would likely drag out memories of any SF with you for MONTHS. In foggy land, she will equate cake eating with you still being there for her.

Nope, show her that finah respects himself enough to only be there for her if she follows the conditions set out in the Plan B letter. Don't further confuse the wayward, they are good enough at that themselves.

This quote shows the time for Plan A is long past. Plan B = Plan Finah.

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Perhaps, in those moments I do find myself talking a lot with her actively listening, but she is so lost I find myself leading everything.
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I�m in desperate need of a sarcasm font on MB.� I�d never do that.
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Really my own thoughts on SF, it�s a shared intimate connection b/w two people who are with each other in the now.� It�s used to create an emotional depth, an emotional experience to ultimately bring each other closer to one another.
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If the other person is involved in an EA/PA, I just don�t see how that connection continues to grow in depth when their mind is elsewhere.�
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I recall on more than one occasion me stopping SF in the middle b/c I felt �she wasn�t there�.� This wasn�t some new issue either, pre A, her emotional availability for whatever reason�..was just not there, but this became hugely magnified post EA.� Yes HB took place but it didn�t last long as she slipped back into the fog of her EA/ potential PA.
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In fact I think at least in the case of my WW, having SF made it worse.� Yet one of the last things she tried to hint at was that she desired SF �..but her failure to understand that the SF was actively driving us apart simply due to her yearning for a connection that was not present b/w us b/c of her A��..therefore signaling to her that�.I wasn�t the one�or something was missing.
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I hope that makes sense.
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One I think it�s a grave mistake to think the differences b/w male and female SF is so starkly different.
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Women from a very young age are taught in essences to be a prude, that SF or desire for men or multiple men is wrong until you meet the �right� one.
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Yet somehow men are held to a different standard.
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So if a woman feels desire for another man outside of a relationship or M, instead of just chalking it up as a �man� would as basically wanting some �strange�, women tend to link those feelings with love b/c they are taught to link those feelings with love.
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Women�s Infidelity covers this beautifully.� And while I don�t agree with everything she says.� I think every woman and man should read that book.
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��
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Which may very well turn out to be plan FU��not too happy with the change of plans.