Thank you. I know it is worth it to save my marriage and help my wife heal

on top of all this he is reading SAA every night since I can't read it with him. It triggers me to bad to read the stories in it. I read it first in one day since im a fast reader and gave it to him. I get to cuddle next to him while he reads.

Im PROUD of my husband again. He is showing me that he does get it and we are worth working hard for.

Highlighted love bank deposits in red.

7. I see what you mean. I will not go on any kind of dating , porn, or personals websites and won't look at any profiles on forums without her approval first
8. Using your rewrite. Don't think I could word it any better
9. Using it again
10. Was good
11. Was good
12. Was good
13. By not putting anyone else's thoughts or feelings over my wife's and putting her feelings and needs over my own even
14. I will except any other ep's that may turn up to be needed

You've been doing well on putting some thought into these. I'm sure your wife will appreciate the fruits of your labors.

I want you to look at this one a bit more though....


your reply;


Paying attention to whats in red...

I don't believe your wife or anyone else wants you to do this.

What your wife has always wanted from you, and what I want you to catch is,,,,

It's critical that you CONSIDER your wife's feelings and needs before you make decisions and weight them EQUALLY with your own.
If you had done this through out the marriage, you would have never had an affair. ...Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

The question still exists, HOW will you achieve this?
You can't just say; "I'll just make sure she's number one".....
There are actions you must take to insure her protection..

What actions will you take??

Excellent point, and a reminder that if you always put someone elses' needs above your own, that it is a form of sacrifice...and sacrifice breeds resentment. The application of POJA works to consider each spouses' needs equally.

That said, there are things that FWS's must do that could be viewed as putting our BS's needs above our own, which is where just compensation comes in as well as the critical need to do whatever we can to make our BS feel safe.

You're in good hands here - keep up the good work!

Here was his answer, it got lost in the post.

My actions will be not putting anyone else's thoughts or feelings before my wife's and using poja on all decisions made so that we can both benefit from are decisions therefore making both of us happier.

Every example he thinks of is covered under POJA so I dont know if this is even needed.

dtl,

It's easy to get tunnel vision when trying to think about answers to questions, isn't it?

I was actually thinking about actions like; (these are just a few)

* Sitting down on the couch every evening and talking to my wife about (fill in the blank)

*re-learning how to open up communication with my wife so I can learn about her thoughts and feelings.... And actually focus on hearing what she has to say. Reading some articles about and practicing listening skills.

*Paying close attention to what she says and making sure to NEVER AGAIN dismiss her opinions and beliefs.


dtl, you've done a great deal of damage to your wife. She will struggle for years with trusting you. You need to own the fact that your best thinking lead you to commit adultery.....
Placing her thoughts and feelings on equal footing with your own is not going to come naturally, we are very selfish beings by nature and our infidelity demonstrates this point very well.

Actions to overcome this selfish nature require us to operate from our intellect instead of our instinct.... Learning how to do this will require practice, but you've got to PURPOSE to do it or you'll fall back on your instincts....

* Sitting down on the couch every evening and talking to my wife about (fill in the blank )
How are day has went and getting to know each other again and what are needs are each day.
I believe I under stand what you have ben telling me thank you.

[/quote]

@DTL: Have you finished reading "Surviving An Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley & Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers yet?

If yes, how well do you feel you're applying what you've learned?

If no, don't you think it's long past time?

I'm trying to apply what I'm learning
No I'm not done reading it yet. I can't read that fast or I will not comprehend what I read. But I'm reading every night.

Cool, SAA is your roadmap out of this mess. The way is very narrow and specific. Those who ignore it -- or pretend that for some reason it doesn't apply to them -- almost inevitably fail to save their marriages. Those couples who both consistently follow it almost invariably succeed. Those couples in which only one follows it struggle quite a bit, and unless the partner gets on-board, typically their marriages fail, too.

I'm growing to learn that. And I do want my marriage to succeed and become even better then ever. Saa is teaching me a lot. And once again I like to thank every one for there advice

Their was never full exposure of my affair. And I'm not sure how to expose it my self. But I know it needs to be done. What would be the best way for me to do this

The most important question;

Is your wife enthusiastic about this.

If your wife is enthusiastic....

First make a list of who you intend to disclose your adultery to.

I would recommend that you discuss & decide if your wife wants to go with you, if she wants to, then you take her with you as you meet with these people.

Then you look to your list and schedule times to meet with these people.

Remeber, you are meeting with these people for three purposes;

1. To disclose the truth about what YOU'VE done

2. To acknowledge the pain you've caused your wife as well as the deception you perpetrated on her and others.

3. To apologize for the pain you've caused each of them and ask for their forgiveness.

4. To ask them for their full support of your wife and your marriage while sharing with them the things you've been doing to help your wife and your marriage recover.


What you DO NOT allow during this disclosure;

1. Any blame shifting

2. Any excuses for your behaviors

3. Any discussion that your wife played a role in your choice to cheat..... You remind everyone, your wife didn't get to vote on whether you had sex with OW... See what I mean?

4. Don't share any details your wife doesn't want discussed.

5. Don't expect any kudos! (Expect some of them to be hurt while they process this information, OK! And yes, you still owe them an apology regardless!)


You must remember you'd be doing this to help your wife heal and to strenghten your marriage..... You are casting light on the darkness you've allowed in your life by disclosing the truth. You aren't purging all this to make yourself feel better at your wife and these other peoples expenses, OK!

I'm really encourage to hear you're considering this, many waywards skkip this step and miss out on the benefits that come as a result. We often talk on this forum about repentance.... well this is the step that leads you from repentance to restoration of the man God called you to be.
Please share how this goes....

Thank you for the advice. I do understand all of it

Yes I'm very enthusiastic about this.... at least to the few we are talking about.
Becuase I didnt expose and the A was over before I found this site, I'm now having to deal with the fall out instead of him.

For example:
His son does not know. He has not wanted to come over the last few weekends. He told his mom it was becuase "he (dtl) was always up my butt and they never do anything without me"

He also is not spending time with a few of his friends and they dont know why. It is becuase the hobby he does with them is what he used as an alibi while spending time with the OW. I have asked him not to do that hobby for awhile and see if I can overcome the trigger of it. If not, he must give it up completely.

His son was also in the hobby and they did it alot (almost ever weekend without me) so that is one of the things the son is mad about but does not know why they are not doing it.

Im getting the fallout becuase they know it is something to do with me but do not know what it is so they just think I'm being a B*tch