I'm new on here but I need help. I cheated on my wife and hurt her severely you all know her as loves David and I want to keep it that way. I'm just getting lost in how to help her heal. Every time I think I'm doing good it turns out I'm not I'm tired of seeing her hurt. So I'm on here to get some advice

I'm new on here but I need help. I cheated on my wife and hurt her severely you all know her as loves David and I want to keep it that way. I'm just getting lost in how to help her heal. Every time I think I'm doing good it turns out I'm not I'm tired of seeing her hurt. So I'm on here to get some advice

I'm tired of seeing her hurt.

We have read his needs her needs done the emotional needs questions and are reading love busters. She wants me to take charge of what to do to create a plan to follow and I really want to show her that I want it I'm just really lost at where to start. I know she is in a lot of pain
We have not done any coaching
Are biggest conflict is I'm not taking charge to create a plan and I've got to open up more about my past

Yes you are and I want to change that. I want to take the lead. I just know it will be hard and I will need help along the way. I'm going to start by making sure we stick with the steps. But I will be looking for advice along the way

Yes you are and I want to change that. I want to take the lead. I just know it will be hard and I will need help along the way. I'm going to start by making sure we stick with the steps. But I will be looking for advice along the way .......


Our biggest conflict is I'm not taking charge to create a plan....

The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

The first thing I'm doing is getting on MB to take in the advice from everyone and making sure that I do the reading and work sheets. As for the plan I'm kinda lost and can definitely use help coming up with it. Right now I'm just trying to be transparent about everything I do and be honest with my wife
I trying to follow the steps of the books and work sheets

Her most important need is openness and honesty
and I'm trying to meet that need I know I still need to work at that a lot though. I grew up having to keep everything in but I'm working on it
being new to this what is EP and NC

The Link that unhappybs posted is one of my threads that I started to help FWS's with EP's...

Lets take it one step at a time before you attempt to tackle the EP's though.

There are several critical things that need to happen first, OK!

First things first, did you do a NC Letter? If so, tell me how it was done.

I'm going to do what it takes to make things better no matter how much it hurts me.

Yes you are and I want to change that. I want to take the lead. I just know it will be hard and I will need help along the way. I'm going to start by making sure we stick with the steps. But I will be looking for advice along the way

Opening up about my past I had a very bad childhood. But I know it's nothing compared to what I did to my wife.

Opening up about my past I had a very bad childhood.

But I know it's nothing compared to what I did to my wife.

Dear K. R.,

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.

The NC was taken care of before we knew about MB and to enforce the NC my wife has all my passwords and if I don't recognise a number on my phone I don't answer it and let my wife call it back. And if I ever am contacted I will make it clear not to ever try again. And let my wife know it happened

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

First she likes it when I hold her, run my fingers through her hair, and snuggle. She said she would have to think about it more sort of caught her of guard with the questions

It all makes a lot of sense and even though I don't like talking about I see from you and reading other post that it is something she may need so I will do it

here is what i have so far


Give all passwords and and access to email and voicemail
Change or cancel email accounts
Allow access to truck ,tool boxes and anywhere else wanted
Allow any type of tracking to be put on me
Take polygraph any time
Allow to check up on me any time at work

A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Take a polygraph
E) Make a copy of my vehicle keys and any other keys my spouse does not have and give to them (i.e., safe deposit boxes, business keys, storage cabinets/lockers, etc.)
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
I) Install a webcam/security cameras for while at work that my spouse can access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Sell the house/purchase a new one.
L) Sell any vehicle AP was in and replace them.

On the first part we have already done a b f h and l. And not applicable are c g. And we already agreed to not do I j and k.
On the not applicable I never had any social networking sites. And my wife has always had full access to the bank and finances

What do I do when I start feeling so down about myself for what I did that I don't even know how to comfort my wife when she triggers. I really need help

DTL:

You are doing great, and I understand how draining it is to being doing all this hard marriage-building work AND posting on the website, but the time will be worth it.

Great job!

on top of all this he is reading SAA every night since I can't read it with him. It triggers me to bad to read the stories in it. I read it first in one day since im a fast reader and gave it to him. I get to cuddle next to him while he reads.

Im PROUD of my husband again. He is showing me that he does get it and we are worth working hard for.

13. I will always put you at the top of my priorities

Again, HOW will you achieve this?

13. By not putting anyone else's thoughts or feelings over my wife's and putting her feelings and needs over my own even

Paying attention to whats in red...

I don't believe your wife or anyone else wants you to do this.

What your wife has always wanted from you, and what I want you to catch is,,,,

It's critical that you CONSIDER your wife's feelings and needs before you make decisions and weight them EQUALLY with your own.
If you had done this through out the marriage, you would have never had an affair. ...Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

You've been doing well on putting some thought into these. I'm sure your wife will appreciate the fruits of your labors.

I want you to look at this one a bit more though....

My actions will be not putting anyone else's thoughts or feelings before my wife's and using poja on all decisions made so that we can both benefit from are decisions therefore making both of us happier

your reply;


Paying attention to whats in red...

I don't believe your wife or anyone else wants you to do this.

What your wife has always wanted from you, and what I want you to catch is,,,,

It's critical that you CONSIDER your wife's feelings and needs before you make decisions and weight them EQUALLY with your own.
If you had done this through out the marriage, you would have never had an affair. ...Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

The question still exists, HOW will you achieve this?
You can't just say; "I'll just make sure she's number one".....
There are actions you must take to insure her protection..

What actions will you take??

Their was never full exposure of my affair. And I'm not sure how to expose it my self. But I know it needs to be done. What would be the best way for me to do this

You must remember you'd be doing this to help your wife heal and to strenghten your marriage..... You are casting light on the darkness you've allowed in your life by disclosing the truth. You aren't purging all this to make yourself feel better at your wife and these other peoples expenses, OK!

I'm really encourage to hear you're considering this, many waywards skkip this step and miss out on the benefits that come as a result. We often talk on this forum about repentance.... well this is the step that leads you from repentance to restoration of the man God called you to be.
Please share how this goes....

The most important question;

Is your wife enthusiastic about this.

I have no real excuse. I don't even know what to say right now. I will get it done

The exposure step has Ben done. It was not as bad as I had expected my friends were supportive in helping and my son was a lot more mature then I was expecting and even apologized for how he had Ben acting

DTL,
'
Welcome. I know it seems an impossible task (taking the lead) after having devastated your marriage. I am willing to bet that you are terrified of failing. It is hard stepping into shoes you don't feel fit you anymore. It can be paralyzing. Sometimes though, you just have to do it. Pick up doing it anywhere along the line. I am betting luvsdavid will be willing to let you make some mistakes along the way until you get into the groove of taking charge of these things.

*<I hear the crickets chirping>*

Here's the thing dtl....

Your silence here is speaking LOUDLY to your injured wife.

Finishing my eps and reviewing them every day. I have finished the eps
Boxing up all my hobby stuff and storing it away it triggers her, done. Since then. She has told me this was a bare minimum. She don't know if she will get over them being a trigger
listing what ow was doing to meet my en's. And give a list of ens.
What I find attractive in a women
Exposure. Got told I was a chicken for doing in txt
tell her about a person I talk to online for a couple of weeks I was going to meet on a weekend that I went out of town but i backed out of meeting
sitting down every Sunday to schedule ua time.
And giving her a list of what I need from her

I do still want to recover my marriage very much.
I have visions of us together touring the country together when we retire. Doing every thing from canoeing natural springs in Florida to hiking in yellow stone and every thing in between. I see myself growing old with my wife
But I do have to admit that every time I here her make a comment that she is just giving it the 2 years like she has already given up. I go into self preservation mode. Because I know how bad I hurt her and don't see how she can ever forgive me for that.
I know it's not the right way to think. But I just can't help it sometimes. But I am trying
I have to get myself out of that frame of mind because I know when she gets like that I need to comfort that much more to bring her back up.

I know when she gets like that I need to comfort that much more to bring her back up.

We are doing better today.

Where are you with your EP's?

Please list them out here so we can review them.

And update me on which of Dr. H's books you've now completed.

here is my ep's

I will make a list of all passwords for email accounts, bank accounts, phone accounts and give this list to my wife. I will update any changes immediately.

I will eliminate or change any old email accounts and I will only have new, necessary, email accounts that my wife has access to.

I will make a seperate key to all vehicles, locks, storage units, etc. and give my wife the spare keys.

I will research and provide a means for GPS tracking of my whereabouts at all times.

I will schedule a polygraph with a professional that my wife is enthusiastic about. I will ask my wife to provide a list of questions for the polygraph that will not be disclosed to me ahead of time.

We have not done the poly yet we don't have the money for it

We have looked around and it is minimum 500. We have discussed it and im wanting to save that money and sign up for the online course instead. Im comfortable that I know all I need. I honestly don't want any more details.

I might ask for a poly later in recovery to verify things going forward bit im done looking back.

We have looked around and it is minimum 500. We have discussed it and im wanting to save that money and sign up for the online course instead. Im comfortable that I know all I need. I honestly don't want any more details.

I might ask for a poly later in recovery to verify things going forward bit im done looking back.

My mother is in hospice and they give her 48 hours. It woke me up to how little time we have and I don't want to waste it looking back at the bad..... only the good and what we can make out of the future.

My plan to stick to the course ? I don't think I have a plan to say. I just know I have to keep with it to be able to make are marriage the best that it can

Thank you for the advice. I like the idea of a actual check list. I try to do that stuff for here now. But sometimes I get so busy at work and stuff I forget and that's not good.

Sorry I've not posted any updates in a couple days. Right now I'm just focusing on trying to comfort my wife and be strong for her. Her mom's funeral is tomorrow and I know it is going to be a ruff day for her. I just hope I can comfort her enough through this

Just a small update my w is still just numb over everything going on. I'm trying to be there for her as much as possible. She says that she don't know of anything more I can do for her right now. But I'm going to keep trying.
On the upside of everything her newest grandson was born at the end of last week

Still holding on. She is having a really hard time with everything right now
She just showed me the poem chickadee1 posted in the marry Christmas thread. I really wish I could do that for her

I'm not sure what you are trying to get me to do

I tried to get the idea but never got anything back

JustUss2@aol.com may be vacationing over the holidays?

Thank you for the ideas.celticvoyager
Now for a little update
My wife is starting to feel a little better now. She has been sick for the past several days. I've been trying to take care of her but she keeps telling me she feels guilty having me do everything. I try telling her to not feel guilty for it. That I take care of her because I want to. Is there anything else I can do to help her not feel that way

Just another update. My wife is still triggering a lot with every thing going on. She has had a really tuff time these past several weeks. But I believe I'm doing pretty good. She is thanking me for everything that I've been doing for her. And when I ask if there is anything else I can do to make this time easier for her she says not that she can think of. But I'm not going to slack up any. I want to keep improving things

Yes I understand with the loss of her mom it will take extra time she has had a little bit of a ruff time with her kennels to. Not helping matters none. But I will be right by her side helping her to heal as long as she will let me. She is very strong so I feel we will make it through everything together

I feel that with all the effort I put into helping her through all of this there is very little deposit into her lb but I'm going to keep on doing the work.
Yes we have discussed poja I try to use it but sometimes I slip and forget to after so many years of not using it I just slip up. I do need to work harder at it.

Yes we have discussed poja I try to use it but sometimes I slip and forget to after so many years of not using it I just slip up. I do need to work harder at it.

I'm taking this seriously. I try to catch myself. But it still happens sometimes

If your negotiation turns sour, and one of you succumbs to the temptation of the Taker with demands, disrespect or anger, end the discussion by changing the subject to something more pleasant. After a brief pause, your spouse may apologize and wish to return to the subject that was so upsetting. But don't go back into the minefield until it has been swept clear of mines. The mines, of course, are demands, disrespect and anger, and you must discuss how to avoid them before you return to the issue. You can't negotiate if your Takers' destructive instincts control your discussion.

That is all good advice. And thank you.
I have no problem at all with using poja. I just sometimes need to be reminded when I don't use it. I usually don't realize I did it. I remember one day I made plans and told my wife about them without negotiating with her and realized what I did and called her right back and apologized for it and included her in with poja on it.
But I still have a long way to go

Just a small update things are still slow we have both caught the crud that has been going around. I've not got the item done yet that cv and I talked about I feel bad that I haven't done it yet. but by the time I get home from work and try to help her out with stuff around here I just want to sit and hold her and relax. I'm hoping to get started on it soon though

We are sort of standing idle right now. I feel like things are getting a little better myself. I can see she is starting to meet my needs a little more. But with both of us being sick and all it is just going slow. I told her tonight that I'm a little down I feel like I'm not doing enough to make are ua time count she said that it is about all she has felt like doing physically and mentally. I want to do more to bring her up. I'm trying to be strong during this hard time for her but I feel it is taking a toll on me mentally to. I need to find a way to jump start us back into recovery. I don't want her to think that I'm not trying. Because I am trying very hard

Another update even though things have been going slow we are starting on some better ua time. We went miniature golfing the other day and played battle ship tonight. We have been spending time together but it has been mostly watching TV together. It just means more to me when we do different stuff together

The Policy Of Undivided Attention; I don't care if you've read it before, read it again... link to POUA

It's pretty childish for either of you to complain about who comes up with the activities your going to do during your UA. Both of you should be sitting down once a week and planning out your UA schedule, otherwise the UA schedule doesn't happen! Flying by the seat of your pant's with UA time just turns to resentment in the end!

When you can't think of anything else to do, fill up the bath tub and go take a bath together, laugh about how hard it is to wash while your in there together. Then move to the bedroom, enjoy rubbing some baby oils, etc. on each other and make love.... UA time is critical!

RE-read the Link and follow Dr. H's road map!

Thanks for the reminder. I went back and read it again. And looking back at are post I agree with you. The important thing is quality ua time.

Well I've done it again. Every time I start feeling good about how things are going I find a way to screw it up. I'm a mechanic and one of the few perks to my job is getting to do side jobs for extra money when we are not that busy. Well I took one a few days ago and didn't think much about it but the Guy I worked on it for my wife does not like his wife because she acted to needy with me. Well I didn't tell her instendly about it. Now she is ready to give up on us. I wish I could make things right.

Well I took one a few days ago and didn't think much about it

That did not come out the way I meant it. I wasn't talking about honesty I was talking about openness and letting someone know about what I have going on.
I know I hurt her. But I'm not perfect by no means. What I'm trying to say is I'm have to teach myself a hole new way of life and actions. I have never met any one who is perfect and can get it right the first time and never mess up.
And I don't want to lose her. But I don't control her. She is free to do what she want and all I can do is hope that she sees I'm trying. And allow me to make lb deposits

I know all I have is excuses but I'm trying. Being open and thinking ahead to tell her everything is hard. Not because I don't want to but because it's something that I haven't had to do since I was about 12. And every time I do something like this I get told she has had enough and is going to leave me but I never get told when I'm doing good. And the threatening to leave makes me feel like there is no hope. I don't know if I'm even making any sense right now.

And the threatening to leave makes me feel like there is no hope.

A REFORMED alcoholic typically will white knuckle their sobriety and constantly fight the urge to pick up a drink. EP's will be resented as something they must do or they will drink again.

A TRANSFORMED alcoholic has an entire change of psyche, making it possible to cease fighting everything and everyone around them. EP's are easily incorporated into their lives as an enlightend and integrated part of life they now embrace. Rather than constantly feeling tempted by alcohol, they recoil from it, as if pulling away from a hot flame.


I frequently see waywards that are reformed, rather than transformed, which is why everything seems to be a struggle for them..... They fall short of the transformation necessary for a peaceful road toward recovery from infidelity, because they resent having to make any changes! They don't recognize that the opportunity for transformation is a GIFT!

I've read that post several times today. You make a lot of sense with that analogy. I want to become transformed.